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A Message from Michele
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Re: These Old Shades [Re: DnJ] #2862066
08/20/19 02:04 PM
08/20/19 02:04 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,837
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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bttrfly  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DnJ
Hello bttrfly

Originally Posted by bttrfly
thank you for saying that. it's taken me a few days to be able to acknowledge that you said this.

You are welcome. Iím glad you heard me.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
the truth is I just don't feel desirable at all. I'm uncomfortable at my current weight.

Youíve known me for... well... for all the time Iíve been here. What do I say about feelings?

Feelings are fleeting. Feeling can and will change. Do not solely follow them, nor make decisions based solely on them.

Quit feeding them.



Not gonna happen DnJ. I'm an empath, and kinesthetic. Feelings aren't facts, I get that completely, but I am not comfortable at this weight. I look at photos of myself and do not like what I see. I do not feel well, healthy, energized. I need to take care of this for my own wellbeing. In this case, feelings are facts as the bottom line is I'm heavier than I've ever been and can't physically do some of the things I enjoy doing because I sit all day at a desk, sit hours a day in a car and don't do a bit of exercise to counteract all that.

Originally Posted by DnJ
This admission of your feelings is excellent. Well done! I know how hard that is. (((bttrfly)))


It wasn't hard at all. this is just the way it is and I need to do something about it. Harder by far to admit having feelings for my friend. I don't know how I feel about that yet. Still working it out.

Originally Posted by DnJ

So, a few days go you asked for suggestions on how to overcome this. As I said firstly, I hope you can see and believe it is possible. In truth I know you can. You have a strong mind, and you know itís possible (donít follow those feelings).

Next steps (not linear, maybe not even in order):

(And do know just how much I care about you)

Destroy XHís tape in your head. You know XH is way our there. You know the non-validity of his words. Ergo the tape is destroyed. The real problem is not Hís tape playing in your head - itís your tape playing.

XH said enough stuff, for long enough, that it became more than just fleeting feelings, it became an unwanted belief.


Yes. I believed him hook, line and sinker. When you grow up with emotional abuse it's unsurprising to find it in your adult relationships. That seems "normal" ... even if it didn't start out that way, over time he became every bit as much of a gaslighter as my mother.

Originally Posted by DnJ
This leads and feeds your feeling of not being desired and your projection that others will also feel that way. A fear response as well.


I don't agree. I don't like being this far above my fighting weight, it's pretty simple. I don't find it attractive. It's an assumption that others wouldn't as well, but truly how anyone else views my weight is irrelevant. It's about my own attitude and viewpoint.

Originally Posted by DnJ

Change that tape girl. Come on, you have value, you have worth, and you are desirable. You are battle tested. Youíve survived and thrived. Look at what youíve accomplished. Donít you dare think less of yourself. You. Are. Bttrfly.


Yes, I've accomplished a lot. I have more to do.

Originally Posted by DnJ

Losing weight is an obvious one. However, desirable contacts. Holding hands, walking, hanging out together, etc.. Enjoy them and allow the altering of some deep unwanted ideas.


I'm very confused about how and with whom I'm supposed to be holding hands with my friend. I look around this room and all I see is me.
Originally Posted by DnJ

When one gets all their cars lined up - physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual - life is really sweet. All facets of yourself are more or less working together and going in the same direction.

To alter, diminish, and create such a force does take a concerted effort. Mental assertiveness, one of the thing you can directly control, is key. Realize the belief you are altering. Realize itís origin, born from poisonous words from XH. Replace it with something much better.


Yes, I took action yesterday and I feel worse, but I know it's a purging.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Iíve had poisons within me. Felt worthless. Felt undesirable. Felt unwanted. I reinforced those feelings. I believed what XW was selling herself. It took time to purge that belief. Took time to let it go.

I had some incredibly kind and helpful people along my path. People who really made a difference. You are one of those people. You are one of the people who allowed me to believe I could believe something else - to believe in me.

I get where you are, and what you are facing. I know, first hand, it is possible. To encourage you - I do feel desirable and worthy again, and I believe it.

Believe in yourself bttrfly, I certainly do.

DnJ


Thank you. I do believe in myself. Right now, I'm in another purging phase. Have to run to a meeting or I'd write more.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: AndrewP] #2862082
08/20/19 03:03 PM
08/20/19 03:03 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,837
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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bttrfly  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2015
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Massachusetts
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Any word on the car? Going to get your sweet wheels back on the road any time soon?

Hi Andrew,
No word. Company adjuster can't see the car until tomorrow. It's crap. I lose a week of my 30 days rental because they can't get to see the car. I guess I will know more tomorrow. I miss my car.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2862365
08/22/19 04:11 AM
08/22/19 04:11 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,837
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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bttrfly  Offline OP
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Car is totaled.

Cannot be repaired, frame is bent.

Mom signed onto her hospice today.

I have either a bladder or kidney infection. I'm on antibiotics and the fun pill that turns your pee neon orange. If my flank pain goes away tomorrow, then we know I'm getting better. Otherwise, maybe a kidney stone. No history of that in my family or with me.

Now I know why I was so tired yesterday I was in bed before 8pm.

Saw The Alarm tonight. Great show. Mike Peters tore it up. Sounds every bit as good if not better than he did in '86 (the last time I saw them).

I'm pretty desolate about the car and have no idea what I'm going to do for transportation.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2862382
08/22/19 10:00 AM
08/22/19 10:00 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
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Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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flank pain is gone.

I spent almost every waking moment until 6pm in tears yesterday. the car of course isn't about the car, it's about the man who loved me once who went to extraordinary measures to get me that car. kml, I think I'm being dragged behind a two ton high performance vehicle because I haven't completely let go. and I have to.

I miss my dad. Mom is fading away, almost willing herself to go. We did the MOLST form yesterday. I can't even wrap my mind around this. I want her to be happy and pain free, but I want my mom. I feel like I'm shattering into a million pieces and I don't know how to put myself back together.

When I got into the accident, I turned it over and said, ok, whatever is going to happen is going to happen. if it's time to let go some more, then that's what it is.

a good friend of mine said when exh left, "oh. you're having such a hard time because you still love him." her own MLCr ex was emotionally and physically abusive and an alcoholic. by the time they split she was happier without him, almost immediately. me, not so much. it's really hard being the misdirected target of decades of anger. that hasn't abated.

it kills me that I can't do more for my mom. yesterday morning I just hugged her and wouldn't let go. she and I have a date for Sunday.

I think the infection is definitely being helped by the antibiotic. how did this happen? In it's usual fashion - I am not taking care of myself. I'm not drinking nearly enough water. last week I think one day I didn't even have 8 ounces of water. It's just run run run until I drop and part of me could care less if that came today. Exh has won. His intent was to inflict maximum pain and yes, he has.

So, I need to buy a new car. Not a lot of $$ to spend. Any suggestions? I'd like another of what I just lost because they are so much fun to drive and I do a LOT of driving. Not sure I can afford the repairs though.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2862383
08/22/19 10:02 AM
08/22/19 10:02 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,837
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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Massachusetts
sorry the last post was so disjointed. I'm all over the place. obviously.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2862386
08/22/19 10:45 AM
08/22/19 10:45 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
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Ginger1 Offline
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It was not disjointed. I totally understood what you were saying. You have a lot of emotionally difficult things going on right now. You are doing wonderful things for your mom. I am a nurse care manager, Iíve been an ICU nurse and a hospice nurse. And what you are doing is completely selfless and one of the hardest things you will ever do. Iíve seen family members keep their parents alive suffering for THEMSELVES and itís awful. You are doing this for mom. Itís an incredible gift. The circle of life is very difficult. And sometimes we just go back and need our mom.

Please please please drink that water! I ended up in the hospital in The ER in December for a bad kidney and bladder infection. Almost got admitted. Itís awful. You need water and you need salt. It will help. Please take care of yourself. You are loved so much and you need to love yourself too. Iíve been there where I couldnít care of God just took me. I worked hard to get out of that hole.

Do you take ADís? I swore I never would, because then that would mean I was just like my mother....... ( she was major depressive) but I fell in a hole so bad a few times that I needed to get out, and they really helped. Iím still on them. I almost went off..... but decided to stay on them due to the break up and my seasonal affective disorder. I donít want to go back to that hole .

I also believe once you have love for someone it never goes away. You will always love your ex and your ex will always love you. My ex did me extra dirty. And I have love in my heart for him. I think he has some love for me too. Same for the other 2 on my life I have loved.

If I lived closer, I would be over with water and wine and we would laugh and cry. I mean it.

I am so very sorry you are hurting so much. But please remember it will get better. And youíve got people who care about. You will get through and come out on top again. Inpromise

Re: These Old Shades [Re: Ginger1] #2862389
08/22/19 11:44 AM
08/22/19 11:44 AM
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Posts: 2,837
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
It was not disjointed. I totally understood what you were saying. You have a lot of emotionally difficult things going on right now. You are doing wonderful things for your mom. I am a nurse care manager, Iíve been an ICU nurse and a hospice nurse. And what you are doing is completely selfless and one of the hardest things you will ever do. Iíve seen family members keep their parents alive suffering for THEMSELVES and itís awful. You are doing this for mom. Itís an incredible gift. The circle of life is very difficult. And sometimes we just go back and need our mom.


yes. I can't do that to her. I love her. It's not about me, it's about her and what she wants and me helping her.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

Please please please drink that water! I ended up in the hospital in The ER in December for a bad kidney and bladder infection. Almost got admitted. Itís awful. You need water and you need salt. It will help. Please take care of yourself. You are loved so much and you need to love yourself too. Iíve been there where I couldnít care of God just took me. I worked hard to get out of that hole.

Do you take ADís? I swore I never would, because then that would mean I was just like my mother....... ( she was major depressive) but I fell in a hole so bad a few times that I needed to get out, and they really helped. Iím still on them. I almost went off..... but decided to stay on them due to the break up and my seasonal affective disorder. I donít want to go back to that hole .


yeah, gotta work on the water. I also bought unsweetened cranberry juice, which I have to cut with water. now that I think of it that might be a way to get to me stay more hydrated if I make that a regular thing. I was hospitalized with a kidney infection in my early 20s. Not. Fun. Had another when I first got pregnant with my son.

no to the ADs. My Dr. wants to put me on them. I'm refusing. I would rather try flower essences or straight st john's wort.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

I also believe once you have love for someone it never goes away. You will always love your ex and your ex will always love you. My ex did me extra dirty. And I have love in my heart for him. I think he has some love for me too. Same for the other 2 on my life I have loved.


I dearly love the man I married. I am not the biggest fan of the man who divorced me. I see his pain and turmoil, and I have compassion for it. He told me he loves me dearly but we don't work. My DB coach said that was despair talking. The truth is, he didn't know how to do the work, and frankly I'm not sure he loved me or our son enough to try. He told me he didn't love me enough to try. I take him at his word.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

If I lived closer, I would be over with water and wine and we would laugh and cry. I mean it.

I'd have the water and you'd have the wine, lol xoxoxo

Originally Posted by Ginger1

I am so very sorry you are hurting so much. But please remember it will get better. And youíve got people who care about. You will get through and come out on top again. I promise


Ty. It's hard. And tiring.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2862390
08/22/19 11:49 AM
08/22/19 11:49 AM
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doodler Offline
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bttrfly,

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. When bad stuff starts cascading down on you, it can be hard to imagine ever getting back to a happy place. You'll get there, but it always seems to take longer than you'd like. I remember the line from the old country song, "If it weren't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all."

A couple of years ago I hit a deer and my car was totaled. I bought a used car from CarMax and it was a great experience and a really good deal. They don't have sales people. You can pick out a car online and then go test drive it.

Re: These Old Shades [Re: doodler] #2862392
08/22/19 12:01 PM
08/22/19 12:01 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,837
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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thx Doodler. you are the second person to send me to Carmax. the problem is I'm used to a high performance 300 hp 6 speed manual that goes from 0-60 in 5.6 seconds. hard to find something comparable. I drive so much I'd like to have it be a pleasurable experience rather than a chore.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2862395
08/22/19 12:19 PM
08/22/19 12:19 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,423
Southern Maryland
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I am so sorry that your car is totaled. I do agree w/looking at Carmax. They have some great cars out there and fairly decent prices.

I hope that you are feeling better today. Nothing worse than having orange urine while taking that medication...but the medication doesn't take long to kick in. As everyone has pointed out...lots of water, cranberry juice and I was told beer is a good one too.

bttrfly, you are a wonderful and caring daughter. You have been there for your dad and now for your mother. You can't be everywhere at the same time and having someone checking on her is a blessing in disguise. She knows that you love her and that you are doing everything you can to be there for her.

Please take care of yourself. Your body is telling you to take some "me" time and for once, please listen to what your body is telling you. I know you are juggling lots of things, but there comes a time when you need to slow down and take a few hours or even a day to focus on just you.

Feel better soon!

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