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A Message from Michele
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Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861317
08/14/19 12:15 PM
08/14/19 12:15 PM
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bttrfly Offline OP
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thanks Doodler and Andrew.

My co-worker quit. Not quite 4 months in. She did this last Monday because our boss yells all. the. time. and she doesn't like the work. Ok, fair enough. She took this week off so I'm doing her and my job. Fine. I was so exhausted I got to work early in order to take a meeting that was actually scheduled for next week. I did what I could of my work but had to focus mainly on hers. Didn't finish until after 6 and missed the FedEx pickup. Really a problem. Had to drive two towns over to drop off an important package containing large checks for a client. Fine. Put me on a trajectory home that I would normally never be on. And, I rear ended a woman. Both cars had to be towed. Her back bumper was pushed into her muffler, which made it un-driveable. My light assembly and bumper are pushed in such a way that I can't make a right turn. The policeman laughed when I said that I could carefully plot my drive home so I only turn left. No. can't do that. Yes, yes and I can ... I can go left up the street and then go straight and then ...no, it's not safe. Fine. Guys -- you know what a woman really means when she says, "Fine" don't you? I'm gonna leave that right there, having said Fine several times in one paragraph.

Had to wait for a tow. The other person and her husband are such nice people. I am so sorry to have caused them stress and to have met them under such circumstances. No one was hurt, thankfully. The tow truck driver was also a peach of a guy. The policeman was super nice also. This happened near a parking lot so I immediately pulled in and then got out of the car and ran over to make sure the person I hit was ok, as any decent human being would. As I did so some absolute nitwit of a twenty something goes driving by slowly with her phone out, filming it. I told her sternly that she had no right to film anything as there was nothing to see here, so move it along. Note that there was no concern that anyone was hurt ... oh no, millennials seem more concerned with viewing life behind a screen. REALLY IRKED ME. I told the policeman and he said that is his and every cop's life now. The lady was as appalled as I was. No one seems to care to help, only to "document." Tow truck driver said the same thing and this happens to him all the time too. If this is how humanity is "evolving," I'm unimpressed.

So, here I am. I love my car, so I want to fix it. But man, does this bring up even more angst. My exh did a nationwide search for this car for me. Found it out west, flew there, bought it and drove it back for me. I guess it's tangible proof that once upon a time he loved me. It wasn't all for nothing, was it, the 26 years I spent with him?

My boss yelled at me again yesterday, about something this other person who just quit did. I said, "Stop yelling at me, please. You cannot keep doing this. She's leaving because of your constant yelling and she won't tell you that. Now we have to hire someone else and how are we going to keep someone if you don't change this behavior?" Had to be said. He apologized profusely but man, SUPER stressful day. Triggers everywhere. Just everywhere. Walked a freaking landmine.

I did not sleep well. Today I have a pit in my stomach. I'm not looking forward to the day. Dreading the palliative care assessment for mom. Really don't want to deal with one of my cousins who is not easy, to say the least, and my remaining aunt, who is sure to say some unkind and baseless thing about dad's care, or lack thereof and how I didn't do enough to save him. Cousin means well, but we have VERY different views on life ... auntie is demented, at best ...still hard to deal with but it's aunties birthday and I cannot back out. Who knows how many birthdays are left?

I was weirdly calm during all of this business with the accident, until I got home. I fed son, who was obnoxious until he realized how upset I was. I spoke to my friend who is concerned about me and says I really need to slow down, and take care of myself for a bit. He's right. Then I spent an hour on the phone last night with my hs buddy, who went through a divorce herself years ago. I missed exh so much, I just wanted to be held and told it would be ok. I miss my dad, who always took care of car matters.

I am hesitant about relationships because it's not like it was last time I was single - 24 and baggage free. This is a whole different thing, this post-D world we inhabit. The criteria is different. The checklist is way different in your 50s than in your 20s. I wonder if I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, or will I have what I really want, which is a loving supportive relationship with someone who loves me as much as I love him. A true partnership. I really want that, there I said it. I miss the emotional intimacy of a loving relationship, especially after a day like yesterday. Sorry for the rant. Off to the races.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861327
08/14/19 01:43 PM
08/14/19 01:43 PM
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doodler Offline
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bttrfly,

It's cliche, but when it rains it pours. I'm sorry you're having a rough time of things recently. And, divorce magnifies everything because you don't have the security and redundancy of having someone you can rely on to help make things better. I know how painful it can be. (I'm going through my own stuff right now, so I completely understand.) Keep plugging along; you'll get through this rough spot and everything will be better. Unfortunately, it usually takes longer than you'd like.

Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861338
08/14/19 03:21 PM
08/14/19 03:21 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
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Ginger1 Online
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Iím very sorry. I know thatís the last thing you needed right now. And as doodler said, when it rains it pours, and you just crave that person or place of comfort. One year ago pretty much to the day I got rear needed twice in one week! Had some other things go in and then they really started looking up.

I hope they start to look up for you, and we are here for you.

Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861365
08/14/19 06:00 PM
08/14/19 06:00 PM
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kml Offline
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Sorry about the crummy day. You said just the right thing to the boss. How much can the boss take up slack for the lost employee instead of you? It sounds like you need to put some limits on what you will do.

I hear you on the desire to have a shoulder to lean on. Actually, for all that he turned out to be crazy, Crazy Ex-BF was really good at that.

To get there though, you need to be ready to do the work of dating. (Don't worry too much about the baggage issue. Lots of people our age have their own baggage, parents, kids, stuff. AS long as they're not living with you the baggage isn't that big a deal I find.) When you're ready and have time to date, you'll find somebody.

Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861392
08/14/19 08:01 PM
08/14/19 08:01 PM
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Dawn70 Offline
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So sorry that everything seems to be piling up on you. Hang in there! Better days/times are coming.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861453
08/15/19 09:36 AM
08/15/19 09:36 AM
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bttrfly Offline OP
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Thx Doodler, Ginger, Kml and Dawn. Yeah, so did NOT need this. I've decided to turn the whole car thing over ... the old "1, 2, 3 Give it to God" trick I learned years ago.

{{{{{Doodler}}}}} I know how upsetting it was for me to sell our home. Brutal. The good news is once you get through all the feelings that brings up and mourn that loss (yes, it's yet ANOTHER layer of the Divorce lasagna ), you do feel a little bit freer of the whole mess. At first while building here I tried to re-create what I'd lost, but I quickly realized this was an opportunity to create something completely different that was solely mine. Once I embraced that concept, I never looked back. This place really suits me as I am now, with space created just for son and my parents as well. It's not the same, but it's still wonderful. My friend, I wish the same for you, with less heart pangs. xoxoxo

Ginger, I remember that week for you. Ugh. And yes, things did look up for you. Thank you for the support; it means a lot!

Kml, small office. He's maxed out and cannot take on much more, which is one of the reasons he's so cranky all the time. I had to take yesterday off because we had a two hour visit in the middle of the day with the palliative care team at mom's oncology facility, so he had to cover for both of us yesterday. I'm way ahead on my editorial calendar and my marketing efforts, so really there's nothing for him to cover on my end, just phones and her stuff and I'm sure he left that for me. Our book keeper heard me say that to the boss - she and I had discussed how to tell him it was getting out of control. Made me smile to read what you wrote, as she said exactly what you did! Thank you!

Re: dating. Yes. Must be willing to do the work or you don't get the reward. That's true of everything, isn't it? I guess what I'm trying to figure out is whether I've already found someone in my friend. I feel like I'm going through a process of getting clearer about my feelings, what I like about him, if there are any red flags, etc. I'm finding out that I have a checklist (didn't have one at 24), and he ticks off a lot of the boxes I didn't even know I had. I've also decided it's time to lean back on that as well and see what he does with that. Because my life has more demands, I schedule things in advance. His life is far more simple and he doesn't think about it until he's got the free time. I can't live that way right now, so I am usually the one asking if he wants to do something. I don't like feeling like I'm chasing because I have to have it set up a week ahead. I remember how surprised and happy I was when he called me and asked what I was doing and to meet him at a show in an hour if I could. Spontaneity isn't something I can really indulge in right now, but I'm sure like everything that will change as my responsibilities shift. Anyway, long way of saying, is it him? Not sure but it's time to also do the "1, 2, 3 Give it to God" trick on this too. He's told me some stories in the past week about his early dating experiences (think teen years) and in both instances he said he didn't know how he felt about these ex-gfs until they were gone. Makes me think leaning back is a good thing to do for a number of reasons beyond my own very busy life.

Hi Dawn and thanks for the encouragement. Yes, I agree that better days are coming. Mom always says that - "it won't always be like this" is her mantra to me since BD. Thank you for the support. I know you had feelings for your friend. I remember reading your posts and smiling and being eager to see how that would unfold for you. I was disappointed that it didn't work out, but you wouldn't have met Sparky if it had, and look where your life is headed now! So I will lean back and see what unfolds for me.

So Mom is on hospice officially. She clearly needs more support and they get it. The oncologist wants her in assisted living, but agreed with me when I said a change in environment might be the worst thing right now. If we can get her services to support her at home, there's likely to be a better outcome. The goal isn't longevity, but quality. Her neck pain is excruciating, esp when she doesn't wear the collar and she refused to put it on yesterday, so she was in absolute agony by the time they finally came in an hour late for her appointment. They prescribed lidocaine patches for her which I hope help the pain. I'm going to try acupuncture for her. See if that calms things down.

I have so much to do but opted to take a nap, so fell asleep until son woke me up when he got home from work. It was a 3 hour nap. I got up, made dinner and fed everyone then went back to bed and slept for another 6.5 hours. My self care plan includes a pedicure in my future. That always makes me feel good. Add to the critter count: there was a coyote at the tree line in my back yard yesterday, apex predator cruising through looking for lunch. I've seen no evidence of a den or an established territory. My cat stays indoors and my dog is always with me when he's out so I'm not concerned. Now waiting eagerly to see if the local bobcat ventures through. That would be something! maybe someone will gift me a critter cam for my birthday - boy, would I love that!

Please send good wishes for the car adjuster that he realizes how special and rare my car is and takes that into account when he inspects it.

Hope all have a good day xoxo Happy Thursday already!


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861461
08/15/19 11:50 AM
08/15/19 11:50 AM
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DnJ Online
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Good Morning bttrfly

Iím glad that ďfineĒ day is behind you. Sorry, it sounded really stressful, as well as a few other adjectives that job would censor and admonish me for using. So fine it is. <Shudder> Male instinct with that word.

Good for you telling you boss about his behaviour and affect on you and the office. It needed to be said. Hopefully he not just heard you, he really listens.

Iím with you on the state if the world. Yeah, too many people documenting their lives, their food, everything - and end up not living and enjoying it. When they look at the world through a small cell phone screen window - thatís what they see - a small bordered world. The boundaries - the plastic bezelled edge of a small plastic screen projecting the world to their numb eyes. Not many roll up their sleeves and dig in anymore. Too afraid to get documented perhaps.

I am thinking about your comment on our check lists for dating, and how they are different, 50s vs 20s. Are they really all that different? I mean the important stuff? Perhaps we just didnít realize we had some of those items on our lists back in the 20s. And perhaps we donít need some if the ones weíve placed on now.

I think a box that needs to be ticked for him and you is willingness to compromise. That does not mean to give something up, sometimes things get planned and sometimes spontaneity is way, for example.

Iíve been thinking about this idea of 50s vs 20s, the times of dating in our worlds. In the 20s we were quicker to roll up our sleeves and dig in. Ah innocence. Perhaps itís an ingredient weíve misplaced. Baggage aside, your relationship with friend has much innocence, it is just starting to bloom, no need to drag past and unrelated stuff into it. There is a certain amount of innocence one can reclaim.

How many items are on your list due to hurt and fear, as apposed to hope and passion?

Hope today is good to you.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S20 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861470
08/15/19 01:12 PM
08/15/19 01:12 PM
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Posts: 3,647
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doodler Offline
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
{{{{{Doodler}}}}} I know how upsetting it was for me to sell our home. Brutal. The good news is once you get through all the feelings that brings up and mourn that loss (yes, it's yet ANOTHER layer of the Divorce lasagna ), you do feel a little bit freer of the whole mess. At first while building here I tried to re-create what I'd lost, but I quickly realized this was an opportunity to create something completely different that was solely mine. Once I embraced that concept, I never looked back. This place really suits me as I am now, with space created just for son and my parents as well. It's not the same, but it's still wonderful. My friend, I wish the same for you, with less heart pangs. xoxoxo


bttrfly,

Thank you for the kind words.

Re: These Old Shades [Re: DnJ] #2861725
08/17/19 01:15 PM
08/17/19 01:15 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,828
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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bttrfly  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DnJ


I am thinking about your comment on our check lists for dating, and how they are different, 50s vs 20s. Are they really all that different? I mean the important stuff? Perhaps we just didnít realize we had some of those items on our lists back in the 20s. And perhaps we donít need some if the ones weíve placed on now.


For me, yes. I have things on my list that I never even considered the last time I was single, at the dawn of civilization.

Originally Posted by DnJ

I think a box that needs to be ticked for him and you is willingness to compromise. That does not mean to give something up, sometimes things get planned and sometimes spontaneity is way, for example.


Nope. No need. The talk was all it took. Awareness raised. Issue resolved. For me it was feeling like I was always the one initiating. Now I get it, he gets it and we're good.

Originally Posted by DnJ

How many items are on your list due to hurt and fear, as opposed to hope and passion?

Hope today is good to you.

DnJ


You really had me thinking there. Most of the really important things, the dealbreakers, are new. Why? Because I was too innocent at 24 to even know to ask for these things. I thought they were a given. I have found out the hard way that they aren't. So, perhaps hurt from bad experience has put them on the list, but any future relationship will be better for having them there. Or another way of saying it: If they aren't there, I'm NOT going to be in the relationship, period.

A benefit of divorce is that I now know what works for me and what does not. I'm willing to compromise on a lot of fronts but not on certain things because I know what I need to feel secure and happy in a relationship, and I know what makes me miserable and drives me bonkers.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861728
08/17/19 01:24 PM
08/17/19 01:24 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
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Ginger1 Online
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Iím sorry I have been self absorbed these past few days.

You have so much going on right now and admire the way you handle it. Iím sorry about your mom. I canít imagine how difficult it must be. I was a hospice nurse and you will get incredible support. And support for you. Take it.

When you go through divorce and come here and try to save a marriage, your out look on dating is so different. You have tools that not many possess. And it will take a strong understanding man to get that. And you will find you need more than you thought. Because you are good by yourself. You wonít be finding someone to make you happy. What they give you has to add. I think itís a tall order for some. I think it might be harder to be a partner to someone who has it together and has developed their own lives and happiness. Those people donít take crumbs or BS. You are one of those people. Your partner will respect and admire you and work with you. And it will be awesome. Never settle for less. Itís out there. Maybe harder to fine, but worth it when you do.

Take care of you. Itís so important

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