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A Message from Michele
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Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2860889
08/10/19 11:58 AM
08/10/19 11:58 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,407
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,407
Southern Maryland
Good luck in changing the belt on the tractor. Once you learn how to maintain these things, it will become second nature to you. BTW, have you tried to look up the instructions on line? I have found some of those sites to be great and easy to follow.

You got a great deal on the bar stools. I'm sure they look wonderful in your home.

Sorry to read about your son. I hope he didn't lose his job.

Bttrfly, you sound like you are digging yourself out of that dark hole. I am so glad to see you are doing something for yourself and not just for your home. You need that down time to recharge your battery.

Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2860933
08/11/19 12:20 AM
08/11/19 12:20 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,826
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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bttrfly  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,826
Massachusetts
So. I do not know what to make of this.

We texted this morning, though not about dinner. He went to his event at 2 ... was supposed to call me so we could meet for dinner.

Radio silence.

He has never ever done anything like that.

I texted about two hours ago - hope everything is ok ... made a joke. No response.

I fed son and myself, because well, clearly we are not having dinner. Took a shower. Now am in bed. Texted him again. Hey I gather we are not having dinner. Hope everything is ok.

No idea what to think.

And, the belt did get put on but the pulley seems to have seized as the tractor blade isn't turning. So, belt needs to come off and we need to analyze this to see which pulley might be seized and we may need to replace the bearings. My friend wants us to take a crack at it. Can't for a few weeks. Going to hang out with her brother next Saturday, working on a set list.

Thoughts, anyone? This is very out of character for him. I hope he's ok.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2860967
08/11/19 02:12 PM
08/11/19 02:12 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,543
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DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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Posts: 1,543
Good Morning bttrfly

Have you heard from him?

I am with you, this does seem out of character. I hope he is ok too.

If you haven’t heard from him yet. Perhaps a bit stronger text. Something along the lines of “Are you ok? I am worried. If you need some space and do not wish to talk right now that is fine. Please just let me know you are ok.”

Hugs bttrfly.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S20 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2860991
08/11/19 06:03 PM
08/11/19 06:03 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,826
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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bttrfly  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,826
Massachusetts
got a text
'its too late" with a sad face emoji.

my response - yes, I've already eaten, taken a shower and am in bed.

the people hosting the party wanted to talk to him after everyone else left and were very embarrassed to have me come because the other guests were a new group of people they're interacting with who are apparently odd, and they don't know me well enough to be comfortable having me there too, because they were worried I would judge them harshly. Obviously they don't know me because they don't know how odd I am, lol - j/k. I wouldn't judge them by their guests. Anyway, I get it and he was there til 2am because they didn't want him to leave and had a lot to talk about, obviously.

He and I just talked on the phone for over an hour. mostly him talking about different things, me listening. he said he would have rather hung out with me and had an earlier night for himself. We are seeing each other tomorrow night after work.

I dunno. I'm less enthused about moving beyond friendship here, to be honest, but I have to also remember that I was ridiculously late for meeting up with him three times in the past month and a half due to my misjudging summer traffic, and he was upset but wouldn't admit it. I should cut him the same slack he cut me on those occasions.

It's interesting to see my responses when things come up in a quasi-romantic relationship. Lets me know how I guess I really feel about it: ambivalent, at best, right now.

I have to go to a friend's impromptu birthday party that I found out about an hour ago. I have a million things to do and do not have time to spend two hours in the car, but she's very dear to me so I'm going.

Feeling out of sorts and cranky. >:p


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861014
08/11/19 10:08 PM
08/11/19 10:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,887
K
kml Online
Member
kml  Online
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,887
Here's the question - did you text or call him when you were going to be late?

Nothing prevented him from just texting you "dinner isn't going to work out tonight, I'll tell you about it tomorrow ". That's the problem here. It's not about the flaking or whatever. It's just about extending the common courtesy of letting you know he wasn't going to make it. The

Re: These Old Shades [Re: kml] #2861023
08/12/19 01:08 AM
08/12/19 01:08 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,826
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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bttrfly  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,826
Massachusetts
did I ?... the last time definitely. not sure about the others ... I really cannot remember.

and yes. that's what bothers me, that he did not, and that is very atypical of him.

so... ugh


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861055
08/12/19 12:37 PM
08/12/19 12:37 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,048
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Dawn70 Offline
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
I dunno. I'm less enthused about moving beyond friendship here, to be honest, but I have to also remember that I was ridiculously late for meeting up with him three times in the past month and a half due to my misjudging summer traffic, and he was upset but wouldn't admit it. I should cut him the same slack he cut me on those occasions.

It's interesting to see my responses when things come up in a quasi-romantic relationship. Lets me know how I guess I really feel about it: ambivalent, at best, right now.

I can definitely empathize with you here. I have, in the past, (and even admitted here) had feelings for a good friend and it is kind of a weird place to be when they seem to reciprocate that there is some level of interest, but there is kind of a stand-off when it comes to actually initiating anything or even having an open discussion about it. it does lead to a feeling of ambivalence, which then makes you wonder what you are even doing/thinking...if that makes sense.

I'm glad he did finally text you, even if it was late. Sending positive vibes your way!


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861208
08/13/19 01:32 PM
08/13/19 01:32 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,826
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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bttrfly  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,826
Massachusetts
Thx Dawn. Yes, makes perfect sense. I usually go one step further, makes me wonder why bother with a relationship at all, with anyone. Perhaps too extreme of me.

We got together yesterday after work. He was tired and cranky from little sleep and two very late nights. My boss called three x in the first 2 hours we were hanging out which annoyed me to no end, as it wasn't anything that needed my input or attention.

We grabbed some food and ate outside. He wanted to talk about what's going on with him. Has nothing to do with me or potential us or anything like that, just a private issue he's dealing with. As we walked back to the car I put my arm through his, he didn't pull away. I put my head briefly on his shoulder. Then we both kind of pulled away at the same time.

I dunno, I felt like we aren't on the same page, but that's probably not a truly fair assessment as he is really grappling with something he needs to deal with that's really bothering him. I guess I'm noticing what a handful I can be. He pointed out that he was going to watch a movie on Saturday morning but instead spent the time texting back and forth with me for over an hour, when I said he blew me off Saturday night. One does not negate the other, but I def see the point he's making also.


Here's the truth: I deeply loved my exh. I miss him. I cannot have him. He no longer exists. The man who divorced me is so far removed from the person I spent the bulk of my life with that the two are barely recognizable as being the same person. I miss being in a relationship. I miss the emotional intimacy and deep love and caring that I thought I had. I feel like Dad's death has brought all that grief up again. Tomorrow is my remaining auntie's birthday. We will get together to visit before I bring mom to the dr for a palliative care assessment. i don't know how much time mom's got left. She's stable right now, I think, but I'm not sure.

Am I trying to make this more than it is? I don't know. I felt like this about him before Dad passed, so I really don't think it's a grief reaction. I think I'm going to stop thinking about it and anything else for the next while and focus on getting my house ready for the birthday party I want to throw for my dad's birthday. I want to have the whole family over and any friends of Dad's who want to come, just to spend the day and relax and enjoy each other. Maybe tell nice stories about Dad. Mom thinks it is a bad idea, but she always thinks this sort of thing is a bad idea and ends up really enjoying herself.

Whatever is going to happen is going to happen, whether I worry it do death or not. Better to let it all go and stay open to whatever is coming my way. Might be him. Might be someone else. Might be a new puppy. Who knows!?

Feeling sad today though, for sure. Miss my dad a lot. He'd have really enjoyed the two deer I saw in my back yard early this morning. Hope you all have a nice day xo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861213
08/13/19 01:59 PM
08/13/19 01:59 PM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,647
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doodler Offline
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doodler  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,647
Originally Posted by bttrfly

Here's the truth: I deeply loved my exh. I miss him. I cannot have him. He no longer exists. The man who divorced me is so far removed from the person I spent the bulk of my life with that the two are barely recognizable as being the same person. I miss being in a relationship. I miss the emotional intimacy and deep love and caring that I thought I had. I feel like Dad's death has brought all that grief up again. Tomorrow is my remaining auntie's birthday. We will get together to visit before I bring mom to the dr for a palliative care assessment. i don't know how much time mom's got left. She's stable right now, I think, but I'm not sure.


bttrfly,

I'm sorry about the difficulties right now. It seems like the bad stuff always comes in clusters. I feel your pain. You'll get through this; hang in there.

Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2861247
08/13/19 06:47 PM
08/13/19 06:47 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,654
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline
Member
AndrewP  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,654
Canada
(((bttrfly))) - I think those of us who hang around here well beyond our divorce and whatever closure that may have given us do so because we are those who are capable of loving and on holding on to what is precious to us. Even when it doesn't exist any more.

When the full import of my ex-wife's affair hit me, I nearly didn't survive the impact of that. There were some very scary close calls. Even now I still lurk around, muse about what she's up to, whether she's happy. This despite like you, knowing that the persons that we loved so intensely don't exist any more. Whether they ever did is a subject for another debate, but our reality was that they did.

I know that I will never have the same depth of shared history, of inside jokes, of intimate moments with anyone else. And that makes me sad just like it does with you too. I mourn this. You in fact helped me find words, images and tools to do that.

You are a couple of years younger than I am, but we are at that stage of life where we seem to be losing more things than we gain. It's tough. I've lost my spouse, my partner, my love. My children while I know they care for me are both distant from me. My parents and grandparents passed many years ago.

I was chatting literally just moments ago online with a good friend who is angry at me because he feels that I need to aggressively re-invent myself. But I like the person that I am and I know that you like you. Without a loose thread to pull on, how do we knit something new? And yes, this has perhaps turned in to being about me too much and using too many metaphors as usual.

I am trying right now to look within myself for that "fire" I used to have, just like I am sure you did too. The old fires are done and gone - we need to look at how new ones can be kindled.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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