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A Message from Michele
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Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2860456
08/07/19 11:45 AM
08/07/19 11:45 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,546
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DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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Good Morning bttrfly

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Anyone who thinks parenting ends when their kids turn 18 has some surprises in store.

Amen to that!

Originally Posted by btrfly
I'm trying to be both mom and dad...I'm not being a good mom or a good dad by trying to be both...I will focus on being the best mom I can be...It's not my job or my place to be both parents.

Spot on.

And your realization, decision, and choice to do so - well done.

I am glad to see you completed the 4th step. It is apparent you are looking forward to the 5th at tonight’s session. Running towards something rather than from something.

It is very nice to see son wanting to ride with you to a restaurant, “our favourite” not just his favourite, and willing to be with you in a car for 90 minutes.

Adolescents / young adults reach out slowly like that, little bit at a time, even timidly. Spending time together is awesome and paves the way for future revelations. He knows he can count on you, and you have his back - it’ll be years until he figures out how to tell you that. However, he does show it, all the time; although a lot of those signs are frustrating.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S20 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2860558
08/07/19 06:08 PM
08/07/19 06:08 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,833
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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bttrfly  Offline OP
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thx DnJ - the sad thing is he used to tell me that all the time. Now, no. It's ok. I work hard to respect where's he at ... and harder to dig deeper for patience, lol.

More car issues today, which were happily resolved. It died again, wouldn't start. I called my cousin, she came bombing down the road to help jump start it. We couldn't figure out where the ground was on her battery. She was on the phone with her husband as I was saying, "Cuz, I don't think we're as hot as we used to be ... look at all these guys driving by and not stopping to help us!" when a nice young man did just that. Probably took pity on two women of a certain age, lolz. Car is now fixed (new battery, new (used) coil packs, and corroded main ground is now cleaned and lubed.

I was talking to my car buddy (mutual friend of exh and I for over 30 years) after this fiasco and we were trading "rules" of dating. He has rules, I just have a don't want list and a do want list. .. anyway, as I was talking to him I heard myself say, "You know what? My worst fear was abandonment and losing my family. I've lived through that. I'm now fearless. Thanks for that little bit of freedom! BRING IT ON!"

and you know what? I mean it. Not tempting fate, just saying once your worst fear is realized, what's left? Carpe Diem!!!


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2860565
08/07/19 06:49 PM
08/07/19 06:49 PM
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DnJ Offline
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
My worst fear was abandonment and losing my family. I've lived through that. I'm now fearless.

Yes!


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S20 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2860601
08/08/19 01:02 AM
08/08/19 01:02 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,833
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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Ok I would rather a more peaceful happy stress free existence so maybe stop with the issuing of challenges, not necessary to prove myself, since I'm already battle-tested.

Just finished my 5th step, a re-telling of my 4th. I feel amazingly lighter and freer. Truly a freedom step. Truly a gift and a good bit of work there.

Celebrating with a milkshake, lol and a few peanut m&ms ... will start the healthy eating tomorrow.

Waiting for a call from friend. I remembered something interesting tonight - I'd asked the Universe to put someone in my life and within a couple weeks there he was. I am eager to participate in the unfolding of this, whatever it will be.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2860630
08/08/19 11:18 AM
08/08/19 11:18 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,833
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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bttrfly  Offline OP
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Good morning all. Chatted last night before sleep, just as promised. Wow, someone who does what he says he's going to do, imagine that. Also ended conversation with 'talk to you tomorrow' .... hm.

Last night after my 4/5th steps I felt so great, like I was on a pink cloud. It felt amazing to get all that out. I felt so good and optimistic about the future, whatever it will be. Now it's today, a cloudy, rainy day here. Queen's 'You're my Best Friend" came on the radio, which always reminds me of exh, as we used to sing it to each other whenever we heard it, and I flashed through all the things I'd written about and also the good times too. I got a little teary eyed. I loved him so much. There was a time when we were really happy, and it wasn't just in the beginning, it was in the middle also. Other than his initial diagnosis of hypothyroidism, when his numbers were in the three digits and he was completely bananas, the vast bulk of our relationship was loving, supportive, kind. I trusted him in a way that can only come with time and deep intimacy. I miss that and wonder if I will ever have that again with anyone. Truth is I miss him - the guy I married not the guy who divorced me. I miss him like I miss my Dad, someone who is gone and doesn't walk this earth any longer.

I'm trying to flip it - instead of wondering if I'll ever have something like that again, I'm reminding myself how lucky I was to have it at all, because not everyone gets that. I used to say that to exh often - we are so lucky to have the life we have. I don't think he grew to feel the same, obviously, and that's a d@mn shame for all of us.

I guess the point is to be grateful, turn my face to the horizon, feel the wind and look to the future, whatever that may be, with a clear mind and heart.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2860633
08/08/19 11:43 AM
08/08/19 11:43 AM
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DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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Beautiful words and sentiment. A very freeing perspective. That was wonderful to read first thing this morning.

Let today’s rain splatter against your horizon gazing face; rain is short lived and the sun is just above the clouds.


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S20 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2860645
08/08/19 12:28 PM
08/08/19 12:28 PM
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Posts: 3,652
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doodler Offline
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bttrfly,

I know exactly how you feel. I think we're kind-of in the same place. My divorce was finalized a few months before your divorce.

My ex-wife was my best friend; we'd finish each other's sentences. And then she got a new best friend and that broke my heart. But as silly as it sounds, I truly believe all of the bad stuff has put me on a new trajectory that's far better than I could've imagined in my former life. As a famous Canadian said, "Sometimes you have to burn everything to the ground so you can rise out of the ashes and become something new and better." (Paraphrased.)

So, yes, I agree that gratitude is important. I'm extraordinarily grateful that the bad stuff lead me to a new and better path.

Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2860672
08/08/19 02:00 PM
08/08/19 02:00 PM
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Posts: 1,189
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DejaVu6 Offline
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(((Btrrfly))). That’s how I feel too. Gratitude for the good times and the gifts I have gotten because of my relationship with H but also the gifts I received when he abandoned me. I too had the same fear and I also survived. There is a strength that comes from going through something like this, isn’t there? I am grateful for that too. I hope your relationship with your friend continues to grow. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: These Old Shades [Re: doodler] #2860764
08/09/19 12:22 AM
08/09/19 12:22 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,833
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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Originally Posted by doodler
bttrfly,

I know exactly how you feel. I think we're kind-of in the same place. My divorce was finalized a few months before your divorce.

My ex-wife was my best friend; we'd finish each other's sentences. And then she got a new best friend and that broke my heart. But as silly as it sounds, I truly believe all of the bad stuff has put me on a new trajectory that's far better than I could've imagined in my former life. As a famous Canadian said, "Sometimes you have to burn everything to the ground so you can rise out of the ashes and become something new and better." (Paraphrased.)

So, yes, I agree that gratitude is important. I'm extraordinarily grateful that the bad stuff lead me to a new and better path.




Doodler .. yes, exh and I would do the same Re: finish each other's sentences. And no, that belief does not sound at all silly to me. There's a quote from a close family member of mine, like a brother to me actually, who was a brilliant psychiatrist - he said to love absolutely everything about your life because it helped make you who you are today. I believe that, and also that the people we are today are on a path that's far more in alignment with our true natures.

Gratitude? You better believe it!


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: These Old Shades [Re: bttrfly] #2860888
08/10/19 11:31 AM
08/10/19 11:31 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,833
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline OP
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bttrfly  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,833
Massachusetts
Happy Saturday, folks in DB land!

Today I'm going to do a lot of cleaning and my hs buddy whom I love dearly (she's family at this point, 40 years into our relationship, lol) is going to come here fresh from her hair appointment to give me encouragement as I attempt to replace the belt on Dad's tractor. Wish. Me. Luck! My cousin's husband is insistent that I learn how to do this, and he's right. I need to take the next step towards self-sufficiency.

Which reminds me I need to ping her brother who is going to be my singing partner. He's back from vacation this week, and this is when we're supposed to come up with a set list, etc. Hmmm, need to also ping my cousin who wants to do the same ... he's done some acoustic stuff already, and is waiting for me to jump in. Yay!

Seems son may or may not have lost his job. Hope he's ready to pay the rent on the 15th regardless. His boss did something awful, and son was being a jerk about it, now it's not clear where he stands.

This will be the first full weekend in a long time (maybe a month or more) that I have to focus on my space. I scored bar stools on craigslist this week for $100, 3 of em, gorgeous, like new, light wood, made in Italy, rush woven seats. They look fabulous and fit the budget perfectly!

And... I will be having dinner tonight with my friend. . . who I think is definitely trending in the same direction I've been trending in, although neither one of us has brought that up yet. Something tells me a conversation is heading my way soon.

Hope everyone has a beautiful day! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
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