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If she goes through with a D, will you be able to be with them 100% of the time they are around her? The answer is, you can't manage her relationship with them. Only her and they can do that. You handled the disagreement very well, didn't take sides and suggested away to diffuse the situation. Well done. But not all of them will be that easy, nor will she appreciate your involvement. So tread lightly.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Hi Steve,

Thanks for the reply. Understand that I will not be able to be always around and they have to form their relationship.

I noted the dynamics between the elder son and her had changed and I am not sure if it's lack of her presence around them that causes it, or her crusade for separation which my Elder son had come to realize and understand what it is about (he's 9 years old), that increases such frequency of disagreement between them both.

He seems short fuse towards her and I am stepping in to prevent any negativity or issue on getting to him from the outcome this situation. One thing is he would not behave towards me like that but would just snap at her. End day no matter what comes, I hope he would still be respectful towards her as a mother.

I do not know if such dynamics is the outcome of my family situation moving more and more towards like a single parent situation (as we used to do everything together but nowdays most of their activity only involve 1 parent). Even if it really ended in divorce, I just want to minimize the hurt/effect on them thus trying to be around them as much as I can.

Perhaps I should seek out some professional support on how to manage them through. I will be meeting my IC next week and see if she has any recommendation for me too.

For now my goal is to speak less, keep my replies short, concise and don't initiate any conversations unnecessarily.

By the way hypothetically speaking, if she gets me a Christmas present, should I get her one too? or I should just say thank and remain at that? Never intend to get her any so to prevent it looking like a pursue.

Last edited by ToSmile; 12/13/19 05:54 AM.

M:38 W:38
T:14 M: 12
S:9 S:6
BD: 07/18
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Latest update.

She has told me that the draft she passed to me will be the terms and conditions for our Divorce. Her Lawyer will not be sending anything to my Lawyer's office. I can just proceed to my Lawyer's Office myself and check if the terms are fine.

If they are, we can just make an appointment with her Lawyer and sign it at her office and the Divorce will be finalized in 3-5 months. Would not even need to attend the court hearing as everything will be handled by her Lawyer.

To which I asked her upon then we will dispose our current house? She mentioned yes. Then I asked if there are any time frame which that has to be done? She mentioned no.

For now, I just replied: ok thanks. I will check with my Lawyer.

Am thinking how should I react to the above as of now. I got the feeling that the ball is "Served into my court" from the above exchange. That instead of her Lawyer serving the official notice to mine, I got to go check with my Lawyer if all is fine and then make an appointment with her to go to her Lawyer's office to sign.

And the open time frame bout disposing the house? I have some questions with that which I will have to clarify with my Lawyer. It would be like if there is no limitation on time frame when we will be disposing the house, I bet shes very likely going to sit on it base on the laziness of the WAW and then really cake eating having the Single status yet enjoying the benefit of family?

I do have the option to contest on her divorce application and drag the finalization of it to wait out the separation period of 3 years. Am considering about that.

Any advise to spare me here vets? Anything would be good in how I should take it from here or behave.


Last edited by ToSmile; 12/13/19 08:40 AM.

M:38 W:38
T:14 M: 12
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TS,

My advice to you is that if the terms are acceptable to you to agree to it and get the process rolling. To me there is nothing worse then living with someone who wants a divorce. It's not good for anybody.

One thing I have learned from this entire process is that when someone no longer sees you as a valuable person you remove them from your life as soon as possible.

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TS,

Completely agree with all LH said.

The whole quote "She has told me that the draft she passed to me will be the terms and conditions for our Divorce." rubs me wrong though. Don't let her bully or control you, but yeah if you and your atty agree it's a good deal, the quicker you can get her out of your life the better.

-B


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Hi Guys,

Thanks for the reply. I've called up my Lawyer but he's having year end holiday and likely will be meeting him beginning next year.

He browsed through the draft which I forwarded to him and he flagged out with regards to the maintenance which I will be paying to her in perpetual or until she is remarried. It was just a nominal sum which I input previous but he seems to have some concern on that. Well will follow up with him when he is back.

Just last this weekend, she was still asking if I am going over to her side for the weekly dinner. I told her no. Previously I had already mentioned to her that as we are processing for the D, I will no longer go over to her place anymore. I would not want her family to have any false hope. And yet she is asking me that.

I wonder really what is going on in her mind and if she knows the seriousness of all these.

The other funny thing is she is still carrying out home improvement stuffs during this period such as planting & potting, getting a cpu fixed up for the kids and such.

Sometimes I wonder if I am dealing with a mentally ill or a WW.


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Do not get her a Christmas gift. She fired you as her H, and that is something a H would do. If she gives you one I would consider not accepting it. "I didn't think we were exchanging gifts this year, so I cannot accept this." If she insists, thank her in a gracious manner, and then do not open it in front of her.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted by ToSmile

Sometimes I wonder if I am dealing with a mentally ill or a WW.


There are almost no differences. Mental illness results in a person that is completely different than the person you knew. Guess what, waywardness results in the same exact thing.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Some stuffs happened earlier that made me snapped and lost my sh*t at her. I just regret that it was in front of the children but she really crossed the line.

Yesterday she brought the children over to her mother place for dinner and I was out GAL. By the time I came back, I saw everyone was sleeping and thus I thought it was a fine night except that she seems not to be feeling well with a few coughs through the night. This morning, she called in sick And mentioned she will not be going to work.

I was back during lunch to get food for the children and then back in the evening after work. Then, I was hinted by helper to be at home more often and be around with the kids. Something happened yesterday after they return from MIL place. I got my elder son over and asked him what happened? He started to narrate to me and broke down.

They got into a quarrel with the mother because they were playing with the console and phone when they were at the mother in law place. Then the mother gave him the silent treatment on the way back. And when they were home, they requested to play the console again but the mother does not allow. Then she got angry at them because “she was not feeling well” and pulled the trick which my mother did to her when she was a child and was so affected by.

She packed her bag threatening to leave the house. The elder one was shaken by it so much he went to the kitchen to take a knife and wanted to kill himself. Then she saw it and came back to stop him.

I was furious by this and tried to hold back. After a while when I got out to the living room, I saw the elder one sitting there with his dinner which he had only a plate of white rice and nothing else. No side dishes and such. I asked him what happened then he told me he is having an ulcer thus he is just taking plain rice. I guess something else and I took him to the dining table and my wife gave me a dirty look.

I could not take it anymore and start to confront her if the incident the day before. She relate what the elder one said, tried to justify that she was not feeling well and omitting the knife portion. I questioned her about it and told her that she is treating them like how her mother did to her and dumping her emotional baggage on them. Then she tried to challenge me saying I am the one who knows all and always the best. I told her there is no one who is the best and we are all learning to handle them. But her problem is she think she is always right and shoot others down. She is not fit to be a mother. Which decent mum will push a kid to such edge that he wanted to knife himself? The kids started crying at the table, we got into a staring match before she left the table to the study room and cry.

I told the kids it’s not their fault and they should never pull such self harming stance again. If there is anything and I am not around, just call me. The elder one then left the table and went to the bedroom to look for his mother. When I went in to look for him, she was hugging him and he was crying saying he does not want any of us to leave him. Then I told my wife u hear it from the horse mouth and so much thanks to your conditioning to the children about separation. You are affecting them but you refuse to acknowledge. I consoled him saying we all loves him and it saddened us that’s did such a thing.

Then he got over, I hugged him and he told me that he wanted me to tuck him in to sleep. Which I did so for him and the younger one before turning in because I am also running a fever. But now it is 2:35am at my place and I woke up with so much anger it is kind of eating me up. I am also considering to challenge the 50/50 custody previously agreed and limit her from overnight access to the children. Because she simply does not has the capability or patience for them. Most of the time when I am not around, they will erupt into a quarrel.

Considering such an incident happened yesterday and she was still quiet about it, really so much for co parenting for the best interest of the children. I am really so mad about it.


M:38 W:38
T:14 M: 12
S:9 S:6
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The action of wayward really reflects the dark side of humanity. Particularly those that you watch in TV or movie which you may think its being dramatized, until encountering it first hand.

After the previous day episode, the wife brought the kids out for a while yesterday morning and then got back and rest at home the whole day as she was not feeling well. And she was accompanying the kids when I got home yesterday night with some mini games. I wonder if it was for show because they know I was returning home to prove that she is not what I claim her to be or genuinely be with the kids.

This morning as I was leaving the house, she was telling me that she will be going over to stay at her friend's place for today and tomorrow. Just 2 days after she threatened to pack and leave and the reaction from the elder boy. I have no words for her. I just replied Ok.

I would need to really spend more time with the kids.


M:38 W:38
T:14 M: 12
S:9 S:6
BD: 07/18
W Moved out: 5/19
W Moved in: 7/19
D draft received: 12/19
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