A year on and standing

[ToSmile]

A long and rough day.

This morning on the way to work, she mentioned to me that perhaps we should make some arrangement for care taking of our children when my mother goes for her surgery next February. I told her sure, it should be fine as our helper should be able to assume the task for both kids will be enrolled in same school coming spring and there should be no issue with logistics.

Next, she told me that the divorce paper should be ready soon. I said ok. Then she mentioned that I do not need to rush to plan in moving out with the kids. I told her, well, it is fine. This has been dragging for long. We will just proceed with our plan to move out and let her have the life she sought for. And on that note, she also does not need to worry about the children arrangement during my mother's surgery as we will make the arrangement ourselves. With that, I bid her good bye as I alight to my work place.

I thought that I will be fine when she mentioned the divorce topic and pretty much gotten over it but somehow, it stung me still. Couple days back, my helper was also sharing with me that when I was away, my wife was telling my children that I treated her so nice back then. But nowadays I only scolds her. (I did not actually scold her but reprimand and made my stand clear when she crosses my boundaries).

We had some disagreement over the weekend on how to discipline a dog which she had bought but later just leave it at home and left the care taking to others, for over a year plus. Then later, she got her mum to call and ask me not to punish the dog (I slap the dog's backside and showed it the pee when it starts peeing all over the house to housebreak the dog. Previously I succeeded in doing so but when my wife is around, the dog starts peeing all over and got away with it. Till now it starts peeing everywhere).

I gave her mum the words that I would not punish the dog again. Then I told my wife I will not be doing that and will carry out more positive reinforcements.

Then my wife said that she understand that I may feel angry and such and it's better that I continue with my counselling. It will be better for my well beings. I told her yeah thanks. I had actually been doing that. And I will just be a better person for the kids. And as it has come to this stage, its kind of tiring for me.

I share with her that, even if she made up her mind to divorce me, I am fine with it. And we are under the same roof, she does not has to treat me that way everytime she sees me. I asked if divorce would really solve the issue of her unhappiness? If it will, it's fine. And is she going to talk to me like that still even after we divorce? It's funny. It takes alot of energy to behave in this way. And I do not think she is happy. But well if she feels that is the best way it is to be and having a divorce is going to make her a happier person than now, then is fine. Just proceed.

I do not know if above constitute a relationship talk but I just feel I have to voice out. It has get quite tiring for me to face her in this way in daily manner and I don't quite see or understand the point of it. I told her to just drop the angst and such if she had made up her mind.

Today just ain't my day. Burnt out at work too. Time to get a drink.

[LH19]

TS,

Come on man you know those talks are pointless. Do you really think she's going to say "maybe you're right, it won't make me happy?". I'm very curious as to why you still ride to work together? Also, curious as to why you are the one moving out?

[ovrrnbw]

I gave her mum the words that I would not punish the dog again. Then I told my wife I will not be doing that and will carry out more positive reinforcements.

What you did is fine, that's how dogs learn. Why would you let her mom scold about a dog that your WW dumped on you? I'd tell your MIL to stay in her lane, and if she got mouthy more I'd be more frank about what her daughter is doing and ask if she plans on intervening there as well.

I agree with LH in that you need to stop with the R talks, quit talking about her.

[SteveLW]

I gave her mum the words that I would not punish the dog again. Then I told my wife I will not be doing that and will carry out more positive reinforcements.

What you did is fine, that's how dogs learn. Why would you let her mom scold about a dog that your WW dumped on you? I'd tell your MIL to stay in her lane, and if she got mouthy more I'd be more frank about what her daughter is doing and ask if she plans on intervening there as well.

I agree with LH in that you need to stop with the R talks, quit talking about her.

This is very common today where we can't hurt a dog's feelings. I just heard a report where you should never "yell" at your dog. LOL People view animals and pets above humans these days. So none of this surprises me. I am sure in some jurisdiction in the western world swatting your dog on the butt would get you jailed for animal cruelty. Crazy mixed up world today.

However, I agree with TS's capitulating on this. Best to defuse the situation than to aggravate it. It is a small point of concession. Is the plan for her to take the dog after the D?

[ovrrnbw]

I agree Steve, you have a way of making a point that is very helpful to someone who is still full of piss and vinegar like me.

I just wouldn't tell her that I'm not going to punish the dog ever, because I'm not letting someone make a liar out of me either.

She's probably wondering why she's scolding her SIL about a dog anyways.

[ToSmile]

Hi LH,

We are still taking the same ride to work because that is the family car and I am paying half of it. Thus I felt that why should I let her have it by herself, and I have to incur other transportation expense for myself? Just like why I am still staying in the house.

With regards to moving out of the house, that is because I intend to dispose our current home once I sign the papers if it is presented to me.

Hi ovrrnbw,

Her mum actually did not scold me but talked to me nicely and said she's very sad when the dog is being beaten. I did tell her mum what I did was disciplining the dog when normally the owner was nowhere to be seen to be doing her job. Then she starts saying that she would like to take over the dog after her current dog which is of old age dies. I told her by doing this, she is taking over the crap that her daughter left behind. The daughter previously had a dog before we were married and left the dog with her parents. Then the dog was also spoiled and untrained, [censored]/pee through the whole house even on my parent in law's bed and gets away with it.

My in laws actually knows what is going on and the daughter is lying. They had been enabling her previously especially my MIL and when I touch on the topic of her daughter, it has almost go to the extend she was trying to avoid it now a days.

I also do understand why. Because they are unable to do anything except apologizing to me due to how she had spoiled her and just sighing away. Well anyway I don't expect them to be doing anything for me either so I also don't feel good about dumping it on my MIL.

However I felt that her priority in the call is all wrong. Though I was already expecting she would call because I never went to her place for dinner. There are other matters to worry about but she is focusing on such matter and losing sleep over it. But well, she is someone who will go all out for animal than human anyway like what Steve85 mentioned so I just leave it there.

With regards to the car and because of my part in financing it, what's your take guys? Continue sharing it? or Take alternative transport myself even though I am financing it? Would need the car for now for ferrying the children and I know if I stop financing my share for the car, she would not be able to own it as well.

[ToSmile]

Recently, I noticed one thing.

When the wayward spouse does abit of chores, she would amplify it and makes as if she is the one that had been handling all the housekeeping and it's all her effort.

Conversation was started by her with regards to their well being touching on sleeping time of the kids and their request for ice-cream etc. She was claiming that although now is the holiday period, the kids should not sleep later than 10:00 pm and they should not be having Ice-Cream etc.

Although I validate on the part on kids should not sleep that late and not having Ice-Cream on a very frequent basis, I disagree on her extreme handling on it to the extend that kids should not have any of these treats, lollipop and sleeping later than 10:30pm like it is the rule of law. (However if she is the one that breaks it, it's fine).

I told her to cut the kids some slack. They are after all children. I told her to think like a 6 and 9 year old and what they like and what makes them happy? She is clamping down on them like how her mum had been treating her when she was young. She was not happy and now she is doing the same thing to our kids?

Then she starts to claim that now I am trying to be the "good guy" and allowing them to do or give whatever they want / like while she took on the role of a bad person. I told her that was never the intention. What I meant is in moderation. She was banning the kids from this and that and whenever there's the opportunity or behind our back, the kids would start to gorge themselves silly and lie to us. I told her I do not want this to become a characteristic behaviour that they carry into adulthood of hiding things. And how long can you restrict them?

They are growing up and they would have ample of opportunity to do it, either you like it or not. Most importantly is to explain to them and educate them on their choices. Likewise I told her I have stopped imposing strict restriction on the kids on their TV time but teaching them how to manage. We should not be so tough on them like she only allow 1 hour of TV time each even though it's the school holiday now and the kids are at home the whole day with nothing to do.

She starts to mentioned they should play their toys. I told her no kids play the same toys over and over again. We can allow them several activities in moderation. Next she claims she is the one who is always packing their toys and we are not doing anything blah blah blah (Just because she did that last weekend). I told her, well I appreciate you for packing the toys. But running a home and keeping it going is not only about packing the toys. There are many other chores that are ongoing in the background and we have been doing it. Just that we never sound out or mention it, doesn't mean we are not contributing to the household chores nor everything will just fall in place by themselves.

What I am sharing with you now is not to push blame but grooming the kids is our responsibility. If it does not work in one way, we try using another way. Just think of it that if you are a 9 year old kid what makes you happy? How would you feel if you are being restricted like the way you are doing to your kids? She just went quiet after that.

Seriously, its funny coming from someone who is missing from action most of the time and start making alot of noise for being around for a bit of time and doing something. Even the domestic helper was telling me that she's always kicking a fuss when she is back. And my elder boy had been challenging her more and more recently for her method towards him.

I have been releasing the rope more and more. On other times, the conversation with her had improved when I told her she does not need to talked to me in the manner she did. With angst in her tone or what. Thus after the previous post, she had talked to me more pleasantly. Previously she was telling me that she does not wish to mislead me or give me hope as I will be receiving the first draft of the divorce paper soon. I told her thanks for that. I am actually not harboring any hope or what so she can don't worry about that. I am just doing what a man is doing and how a father is treating his children. Just let me know when the papers will be here and I will let my lawyer know too. But she never reply after that.

I also had a change of mind recently. I would live at the house until the divorce has wrap up and the house being disposed then move out with my kids. I think both the chaps need sometime to transit as previously when I told them that we are shifting and we are separating, they both hugged me and cried. Mentioning they don't want to.

Well got to arrange some counselling sessions for them to when this happens. It's just irritating for what happened this morning. Especially the part on the amplification of self. We done alot for the house and the family and we never mention or claim credits for it because it's our home.

Not being away and neglecting all your duties, then help out a bit and start throwing your weight around and discrediting the others.

[ToSmile]

Updates.

This morning, she suddenly asked me how is my work? I gave her a brief description of what going on and what I am doing now.

Then she told me actually the draft divorce papers are ready since a couple days ago. It is just that she felt I looked stressed during this period and thus she had yet forward it to me. And she is also thinking about it.

Then I told her, well there's always stress in life. Depending on how one overcomes it and focus on all the meaningful little things we have now. Then she said ok she will be forwarding the draft paper to me. I said sure. Then I just bid her good by and alight to my work place.

How have I handled the situation?

[SteveLW]

Fine.

I would have preferred you just said, "I'm okay with whatever you decide." Remember, usually the less you say, the better. But you didn't handle it wrong or poorly.

[ToSmile]

I received her Lawyer's draft this morning.

It was a simple 2 page draft that mentioned about custody and division of asset.

Her claim on the reason for divorce was irreconcilable difference and we have been "separated for 3 years" in order to backdate and waive away the separation period as mandatory prior to divorce by the law of where we are.

She told me to take my time and read it. Well there isn't any much need to take my time to read. I browse through it within 5 minutes, then replied her that for any amendments, I will get my lawyer to work on it upon her official draft.

And I told her make the process as amicable as possible as I want to protect the kids and cushion them as much as I can from the impact.

To think that when we are leaving the house today, she was still asking for me help to get food for the dog as it's running out. I really like to see how this will work out.