To add to what AS said I would stop doing things together as a family. It help with detachment and it gets the kids use to doing things separately. Also, you need to stop trying to use logic and reason with her and validate her feelings.
It's very typical for the WW to drag their feet with D papers because right now she is getting the best of both worlds. She's living the single life and getting the comforts of the family life. Especially because the LBS is trying to placate the WW and turning into to super spouse and doing everything around the house.
Yes, I thought to myself that as I had said my piece to her, I would leave it as it is that even in future such instances occurs of her messaging so discreetly and such, I would not react on it the slightest bit.
I would need to DB even further and GAL more. With regards to the doing things as family part, normally if there is an event coming up, I would extend the invite and if she does not wish to join, I don't force or beg her to and just leave it as it is. As like now for her family side events, she would ask me if I would like to join and if I am not, she will just go ahead with the kids.
Just that this weekend, we would be going for a short trip arranged by her family much earlier as I think they were hoping that we can mend through such get together? But we opted for separate connecting rooms for the trip.
Another thing on GAL for me is maybe I am not that ready for my kids to be independent yet? There were occasions which is supposed to be her nights to look after the kids but she went ahead and plan events for herself. And when I told her that I am going out too, she would suggest that just leave the kids by themselves after they sleep. I am not very comfortable with that as the chaps does wake up middle of the night and when they found neither of us around, would be very worried.
Just like couple of days back, the younger one woke up and saw the mum missing and started to question her where she went in the middle of the night even though she accompanied them to sleep and goes out after that. For me when such occasion occurs, I opt to stay back with the children instead of proceeding with my plans. May not be a healthy move because it would just encourage her to go ahead with her plans anyway even though it's her turn to look after the kids. I am still looking for better arrangement for above situation.
Frankly, judging and looking at the state she is now, I cannot imagine getting back and living life with her. It would be a nightmare.
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
I guess I'm wondering why you are asking her to come along on family trips? Do you still plan on doing things together as a family when your are divorced?
My kids transitioned into D fairly well and I think it was because dew eased them into it by doing things with them separately. The only thing we did together as a family was eat together.
I am seeing the R talk recently. It doesn't seem to have helped. Talking about her behavior being unacceptable seems to be counter productive when you are still hanging around and not leaving her, so IMO you should avoid these talks for the time being.
Keep your sorrow and personal growth to yourself IMO. Don't discuss how great things could have been. I don't think she cares about your pain at the moment, and you talking about how you moving on to be a greater person and parent just comes off the wrong way.
Let her see these things for herself, because she won't hear it from you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Actually the trip was not arranged by me but by her family members. They hope that I would be joining and I went along as it was planned earlier and I was worried about the kids. Other than that, I just keep options open on events if she wish to come along / not as I read somewhere around here that it's fine to extend invitation but just don't let her change your plans? Other than that, same we only eat together as a family and it's also the if you like to join us, then join. If not, its fine we will not change our plans for you.
After it's over, I do think back and thought to myself, indeed the previous talk was relational. I should have drop it than to even be bothered by it. Focus on validating. However, she does try to take a cheap shot at me once in a while which really irks me as her remarks were so damn ridiculously outright to spite you. Most of the time, I just ignore it than even validating or replying her. But if it's too much, I would make my stand strongly.
Sometimes, I do get the funny feeling that she is doing the detachment thing from us and she is doing it quite well. Perhaps she's already genuinely on path the other direction thus able to pull it off so naturally. I should learn from it.
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
Actually the trip was not arranged by me but by her family members. They hope that I would be joining and I went along as it was planned earlier and I was worried about the kids. Other than that, I just keep options open on events if she wish to come along / not as I read somewhere around here that it's fine to extend invitation but just don't let her change your plans? Other than that, same we only eat together as a family and it's also the if you like to join us, then join. If not, its fine we will not change our plans for you.
After it's over, I do think back and thought to myself, indeed the previous talk was relational. I should have drop it than to even be bothered by it. Focus on validating. However, she does try to take a cheap shot at me once in a while which really irks me as her remarks were so damn ridiculously outright to spite you. Most of the time, I just ignore it than even validating or replying her. But if it's too much, I would make my stand strongly.
Sometimes, I do get the funny feeling that she is doing the detachment thing from us and she is doing it quite well. Perhaps she's already genuinely on path the other direction thus able to pull it off so naturally. I should learn from it.
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
From your last couple post you are making a lot of mistakes with relationship talks, cake eating and allowing disrespect.
I feel like your cherry picking information here and there trying to fit into your narrative. You most likely have a wayward on your hands so you should not allow her to play happy family. You should never allow her throw cheap shots at you especially in front of the children. Also, never validate cheap shots and disrespectful behavior.
If you are looking to turn things around and attract her back she most respect you first. Right now she clearly doesn't.
I see nothing horribly wrong with going on the trip and playing "happy family" because she is not involved with an OM and she hasn't moved out. Might there be things happening that we don't know about? Sure, but at the same time if TS knows of nothing, or if it is not a physical affair, then I'd go be AMAOFWL around her, the kids, and extended family.
As for the disrespectful things she says, just find a way to leave the room. You can't control, but you don't have to tolerate that stuff TS.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Sorry OB but woman don’t stay out until 5:00am playing cribbage.
My wife stays out all night and has been coming home at these times. I'm torn because in one of Sandi's 37 rules she says not to ask ANY questions. But i feel like coming home that late repeatedly is disrespectful to myself and son. I dont know what I should do. It's becoming more frequent, the last time she came home at 5am was halloween , and then she went out with her friends after work and came home closer to 2am this past saturday. Both times I texted her to have a good time. am i enabling her at this point?
