I told her that sounds funny to me. Why should my Lawyer be the one drafting out these? I engage my lawyer to represent me and to provide me sound advice when I face the situation of divorce, not to draft the documents for divorce. Then she said her lawyer's fees are high. In which, I replied she can just go google and there are a lot of Lawyers that's offering rates even cheaper then my lawyer online. Then she replied in that case, ok.
That's a great response, well done!
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For the Vets, what do you'll think of this weekly thing? Temperature testing? or just being plain lazy and still waiting to be served?
She wants a divorce but she doesn't want to do the work. First of all, it's just too much responsibility and WAS's don't want responsibility, they want Easy Street. Second, she wants to be able to "save face" with others by telling them that YOU were the one that divorced HER. If you keep doing what you're doing and leave her to do the D work then she may very well never bother. It happens a lot.
W moved back and we sleep in the same room though she took the kid's bed while the kids sleep with me.
However ever since she moving back and when we are on the way to work (alone in the car after dropping the kids off), she would raise about the Divorce. This happens once a week for about a month. Happens again this morning. However, I headed the advice here and stop saying that: " she can proceed this is what she wants but not what I wanted". I simply acknowledged it and said ok.
Earlier, she was talking about the high expenditure from our joint family account and I explained to her those where the requirement to keep the family running and I had always been the one overseeing it. After that, she brought the topic to the divorce again. She repeated on the issue of cost of lawyers for both side if she is going to engage for her own lawyer and I get mine. Then she suggest again that why not everything goes through my lawyer and then she will not engage a lawyer and just read through the documentation my lawyer draft and go through the divorce. Her stance, is to save cost.
I told her that sounds funny to me. Why should my Lawyer be the one drafting out these? I engage my lawyer to represent me and to provide me sound advice when I face the situation of divorce, not to draft the documents for divorce. Then she said her lawyer's fees are high. In which, I replied she can just go google and there are a lot of Lawyers that's offering rates even cheaper then my lawyer online. Then she replied in that case, ok.
After that, she went on and ask if I am going over to her parent's place for dinner during the weekend and as there's a stretch of public holiday coming up, how the arrangement of the kids would be. I told her that with regards to her parent's place, I have to see if I have any other appointments. And for the holidays, basically I have programs everyday. So I would likely be available only for 1 day to be around.
But since she came back, she had also mellowed down much and lesser of her previous emotional mood swings and verbal abuses. Thou still some projection and blame shifting, generally it had reduced. I wonder how serious she is about the Divorce now as it's like a repetitive conversation that she always bring up once we are alone and once weekly that I could already predict what she is going to say. Towards my family members, she's behaving the same towards them though maybe still avoiding family events which I never force her to attend as well. when she asked me if it's necessary for her to be there? I always told her up to you if you would like to be there.
For the Vets, what do you'll think of this weekly thing? Temperature testing? or just being plain lazy and still waiting to be served?
I don't know if Sandiz might read this thread and provide some opinions too?
You have a WW and WWs are the laziest creatures this side of a sloth. I am concerned and need to give you one 2x4:
"I told her that sounds funny to me. Why should my Lawyer be the one drafting out these? I engage my lawyer to represent me and to provide me sound advice when I face the situation of divorce, not to draft the documents for divorce. Then she said her lawyer's fees are high. In which, I replied she can just go google and there are a lot of Lawyers that's offering rates even cheaper then my lawyer online. Then she replied in that case, ok. "
Stop being so wordy.
"My lawyer represents me, and since I am not the one pushing for D I will not agree to use him to file D papers."
Her: "But my lawyer fees are so high!"
"I understand that you feel that your lawyer's fees for filing are too high."
Her: "Why aren't you helping fix this?"
"I am sorry you feel I am not helping. That must be frustrating."
Her: "Why are you being difficult?"
"I can understand how you feel I am being difficult, that is not my intent."
Make your case: "My lawyer is for me."
Then listen and validate. Have you read the validation thread?
Oh, and STOP SOLVING HER PROBLEMS FOR HER.
"In which, I replied she can just go google and there are a lot of Lawyers that's offering rates even cheaper then my lawyer online."
Don't do this!!! This stuff is for her to figure out. Just like the parking. And even in that case, don't say it, just leave it to her.
"Sorry, I am too busy to take care of the parking arrangements."
Then listen and validate.
Last edited by Steve85; 08/08/1901:18 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just validate when she says it will be expensive, or hard, or whatever. Do not figure out the divorce for her. She is an adult and you are not her assistant. I'd stop sharing rides if possible too.
She keeps bringing up the divorce b/c she isn't sure. If she was sure she'd have taken action. Don't let emotion (fear in this case) guide you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Just validate when she says it will be expensive, or hard, or whatever. Do not figure out the divorce for her. She is an adult and you are not her assistant. I'd stop sharing rides if possible too.
She keeps bringing up the divorce b/c she isn't sure. If she was sure she'd have taken action. Don't let emotion (fear in this case) guide you.
THIS^^^
She's also using to try and manipulate you. That is why detachment is a must!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don’t think I will still be attending anymore of the family functions once the divorce is through. My thoughts are for now, the invitation from her parents had been extended to me and I am practising the only going if I felt like going and not for any other thing else.
We are sharing the ride because we drop off the kids together and by that time if I am to take public transport, I would be late. We only have one family car and as I also contribute to it, I felt I do have the right to use it and the she dropping me off after the kids had been a routine.
Noted on the validation part. I was kinda lost as till current state, I’m not too sure already what to reply her as it’s repetitive and getting sickening. Just thinking if she’s a totally gone case or there is still possibility for her to get out of the fog down the toad and if I am to still stand, what should be my behaviour. Same? Or aggressively distance myself further?
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
I am not sure you need to be aggressive about any of it. Just GAL, detach, and work on your 180s. Give her the time and space she asked for.
Read cadet's links again. A lot of those tell you what your demeanor and behavior would be. I kept a copy of sandi's rules with me (electronic on my phone) at all times!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yep had been giving her space till I’m treating her like almost non existent. Never dabble into her life and choices and just let her be.
Would carry on to focus in GAL n 180s. Sometimes, she initiated certain pleasant conversations with me and I just replied cordially. Other times I just keep short. And sometimes she would be nice and check if I would like lunch or what and she can cook my share or offer to help me with take away which I just decide according to my mood. Right way to go?
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
This morning while on the way to drop me off, W told me that she had proceeded to file and it will be attention to my Lawyer. I said ok. Then I asked her when did she file it? She mentioned last week. Then I said I will inform my lawyer and she said it will not be that soon anyway will at least take about 4 - 5 months. I told her well I'll just give my lawyer the heads up and anything will be through him. Then after I got off, I notice she's been keep looking at me as if thinking how I would react but I just went on my business as usual.
Over the weekend, she was behaving fine and raise some conversations with me. Next, she mentioned the above this morning (as if to fulfill the weekly KPI)
Anyway, I guess I should just continue what I am doing? Or there are any specific actions that I should take now?
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
There are certain days which you would feel the low and today is one such for me.
Down with a flu while dragging myself to work due to multiple important meetings for the day. Did not sleep well the night before as Son was having nightmares and woke me up couple of times. Coping with a knee injury too hence Jogging maybe out for a while. On the whole I'm sitting in front of my work desk stoning away till the next meeting.
Counting back if all is true that she had proceeded with the filing the previous week, I should be receiving the notification from my Lawyer this week as I told her to direct the application to my Lawyer. Upon that, I will commence my plan to pack up with my kids and move out of the current place over to my parents as per initially decided and terminate whichever joint support I am contributing for this home.
This morning on the way to work, the trip was silent with no conversation shared. There was the urge to tell her I will commence the above immediately but I held back. I don't want her to felt that she could get a reaction from me by tell me that she had proceeded last week. She always mentioned that we can be good friends even after we separated and etc. But I have something for her. The next time she mention that, I will tell her that once the process is done, I will see you no more than the mother of my children. Have you ever seen me still being good friends with my exes?
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
Thought I detached much but still way to go. Since my last post, these 2 weeks had been fine and she starts to get into small but short general conversation. Things seems to be slightly positive but I also do not pin too much hope on it. And when I stopped jogging as I injured my ligament, she even remind and suggest me to go see a sports injury doctor one particular day when I was away from work.
Couple of days back, we were on the way to work and alone again. The trip started fine after dropping off the younger kid and we were talking about various topics and I got abit conversational and showing more interest in the chat. Suddenly out of the blue, she just said oh yeah that her lawyer called her the day before and asking if we are to state down the figure of the joint maintenance fee for the children in the divorce agreement? I told her yeah, why not? She then say the lawyer advice if we do not state down, there would be more room and flexibility for adjustment. I told if there are future changes it would be up to negotiation but list it down for now. Then she said ok and tried to switch to another topic.
After a while, I told her, well once my lawyer received the notification, I will move out with the kids per previously mentioned and cease all existing living arrangement. The common financial contribution, the live in domestic helper's service and various other. She then asked me what's the rush? I could wait till year end school holiday for the kids to do that and the divorce will only be official next year.
I told her well since we are going for it, what for drag and delay it? What is to come will come and just make it swift and decisive. Thereafter, the trip went silent and till I got off the car, I just said good bye to her. Sometimes, I am suspecting if she is deliberately delaying the divorce till next year because by then, she will be relocating to somewhere near our town to work and she can actually forgo the car then. Now it is because she needs the family car and I am co-sharing it thus she is dragging it? But if this wild assumption of mine is true, then well wow, it's kinda speechless for a reason to delay divorce with.
I thought I could be fine and taking it as normal but whenever she raise about the divorce topic, even though I don't show it to her, it still thugs my heart. It still have some effect on me through periods though not totally removing my functions previously. And on the other note, I have this metaphor like she is trying to drive the knife slowly into me over periodic intervals especially when things are fine for a while then she will stab a bit... then leave it there till the next time when she will push the knife in another inch again.
Any advice from the vets?
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
