It is almost scary how much our wives are alike. Even down to bury her face I. The phone at dinner and watching reality tv. Somehow we married twins. Unfortunately we are still heading down the same miserable road with w who don’t realize what they had in us. Stay strong my friend and we will get through this. Maybe we will meet amazing women and this will all be a thing of the past. There are women out there deserve men like us, not these ungrateful women we married!! Just by going out and meeting other women has showed me there are some pretty amazing women out there that got “bad” husbands like we did wives!! Keep in touch IH we are on the same path which almost seems like the same woman. Scary!!!
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Hi IHCLACS, how's it going? I saw you post elsewhere. I hope you're finding yourself in a mellower place. Your conversations with your partner were getting mighty tense for a bit.
Originally Posted by "IHCLACS"
H:I am unable to communicate efficiently with you regarding S1 well being, appointments, finances, and other pertinent subjects from conversations that never took place, or partially took place verbally between us and left open ended, due to lack of written response on your part, or you're memory loss.
Please stick to the plan of email for all future events and requests. It is what works for both of us right now. I can take care of a portion of the yard Thurs or this weekend.
Been quiet lately. Been wanting to write here for weeks everything that is going on. Been having a lot of good realizations. Have to... Well.. Don't have to but.. Kind of need to pack up and get out of my own home in 15 days. She's moving BIL in to help with her cost to her new mortgage she refinanced all the individual and joint debt into, and she's charging me rent if I stay past October according to PMA. I've asked her not to move BIL in while im still in the home with the awkwardness between us as it is. She agreed at first, then sneekily had BIL drop off some of his stuff in basement two weekends ago. I haven't signed quit claims deed yet. BIL is coming from Pittsburgh to live here, pay rent, and make small repairs to house to get it market ready for next year, and help out with MIL who's going through chemo, and FIL who is going into VA home because of dementia. Her family is helping her out and vice versa. I get it. I understand it's nothing personal. But I'm kind of taking it personally. She's not doing it to hurt me, but to survive, and supplement cost if child daycare.
I'm sort of depressed, in a place of complacency, avoidance and non motivational daze, and been avoiding packing up my garage and shed. Just been sitting around the house watching self help You Tube videos lately. I have a lot of tools and a lot to clean up. I have no idea where I'm going to put all my stuff. I'm on a scramble to find a place suitable to income, location to work and S2. I have to come up with security deposit, plus whatever furnishings I may need for S2.
I've kind of let myself go as far as helping with the yard stuff, pool, etc. I just clean up my area, keep it straight, and help out with main floor of home for now. I've completely stopped doing husbandly duties for a while. The grass, weeds, landscaping hasn't been tended to in weeks. I figure its going to be her house now until she sells it. Her and BIL can figure it all out. I'm scared about $$$ and survival. I just had a reduction of hours at work this week. Am going to have to figure in CS support eventually and monthly daycare. She will release $5000 once I sign the quit claims deed to the property. We've both been dragging our feet with mediator, CS and moving this along.
As far as GAL I have a dance meetup today which also conflicts with an apartment viewing I have today. Been doing band practice and hanging out with a few friends which has been fun.
S1 was sick all last week. Monday he suddenly came down with Croupe and couldn't breath Mon. Night so we called the ambulance. ER visit was short, and he was ok within a few hours. He was good up until Weds/Thurs. But had stomach/bowl issues all week so we kept him home. I took 2 days off to watch him to give her a break and lost more $ there at a time where I desperately need it. The thing that really stunk about all this I booked him a party for his birthday Sept 14th and had to cancel it to allow him to recover. Don't know when I will be able to rebook it with all that is going on. Still celebrated his 2nd bday yesterday at home with pizza and cake. It was fun. He was happy. My mind is in 50 directions.
I've pretty much pulled away and have been doing my own thing for a while. We just ignore each other most of the time other than for the sake of S2. We bury ourselves in our phones. It's been this way since Jan. Had a kind of R talk last week. Brought up when back in Feb. She wanted me to move to basement. I didn't want to do it because of lack of respect, consideration, and humidity in summer. Her narritive that although wouldn't have been ideal for her, it would have gave her more space for herself, and me daily access to S2. (Again playing the family co-parent narrative.) Plus would have helped her still with the mortgage $. I kind of asked when she decided on moving BIL in. It was this June. Again trying not to take this personally I see this is clearly all about money and survival. But still with friends like that who needs enemies? I think this whole time she's wanted to keep me involved with things and keep me involved with her family and functions, but I've been distancing myself from everyone intentionally. She flipped the script on me and said that since you asked for your space I just gave it to you and didn't invite you to anything, and told her family such, after I declined a few invites this summer. My cousin invited all of us to her house warming party last weekend. I asked that only myself and my son attend. I kind of disinvited W. I made it a point to say that it wouldn't be awkward for me to have her there at the party. But it's also not fair to me that I wasn't invited anything all year with all the trips that she made. That I was disincluded. She again subscript inside Vault you denied my invites on a few occasions so I just gave you your space. I explained that if we are separating then I'm going to act seperated. Clearly we are on two totally different narratives I am hurting and I'm just trying to heal, and she still wants my company or did want my company earlier in the year at these occasions probably for the sake of co-parenting. I won't be a friend I won't be a plan B and I won't be second place to someone who fired me as her H. She just doesn't see it this way at all she doesn't get it? She thinks I'm being difficult. I also made a mention that once I move out I want to arrange a public meeting place to pick up S1. That I won't be coming by the house to pick him up. A convenience store right down the block from the home. But I don't want to know what's going on the home or set foot in front of it ever again. She starts mentioning to me how it's inconvenience for her to do that. I make a point that no matter where I'm going to be living within a 15-mile radius if I can help it, and I'm doing her the favor by picking him up that close to the home which is 2 blocks away.
In this conversation she made a mention of how we both would have been able to have our privacy and although not ideal for her but suitable, if I moved to the basement when she asked me to back in Feb, and somewhere she mention that she wouldn't be running guys or people in and out of the house. I was like what!?... So I playfully accused her of seeing someone or being potentially being involved with someone. She reinforced that she wasn't but you couldn't even look at me when she said if she had her head down the whole time. So I playfully told her she was full of $hit and just laughed at it. Every time I've done this she's always said I don't have the time or the energy to have a relationship with someone else. I said who said anything about a relationship? She said if she was to have a relationship with someone else, she would want to work on herself for at least a year post seperation. I doubt she is seeing someone, but still am suspicious. All the red flags are there. But may mean absolutely nothing.
More irony is I had a few dating profiles active from February that I deactivated recently. Just before I deactivated them the other day, my brother's ex-girlfriend from 7 years ago who got divorced two years ago that my wife hangs around with and has been hanging around with this whole time came up in my dating search. My wife mentioned to me back in April this divorced XGF of my brother was seeing six guys at once. Because this woman still talks to my younger brother. I can tell my wife was a little bit hesitant back then to reveal any further info and protective and hiding something about something that she knows getting back to my other brother getting back to me. They recently went to a concert together two weeks ago on Labor Day and my wife anticipated that I was going to be at that concert but assumed incorrectly cuz I went to a different concert. I also came across another dating profile that is the sister of my wife's girlfriend who is getting married in January. I also have suspicions that this other girlfriend of hers is another enabler if there is anything going on? I asked my wife if she hung out with this person, she said no, she's annoying, but mentioned to me that she is single. I told her I know playfully and she want to know how I knew...lol... I guess you could say we're temp checking each other.
My wife also asked me for money again last week and I asked her what it was for and what it was going to and she said it was none of my business. So I took the money back. Then she cried and she said she wanted to take her father to the boardwalk before they put them in a home which hasn't actually happened yet. My MIL is putting it off. So I gave her a few $100 to tide her over until she got paid on the 15th. She was broke from the end of August until then, and until the refinance went through.
Things are a mess I'm going to have to figure out where I'm going to live I'm going to afford it where I'm going to put all my stuff and I have to do it really fast. My head is spinning. But I hope I figure it out and it all works out.
That's my update. I sometimes wonder if I have the wrong mindset and all of this and I'm being a stubborn hard a$$. I've been trying really hard to take a balanced approach to be polite courteous and friendly, without seeming punitive. But I'm still willing to lose it all and lose her for the sake of my self-respect as pridefull as it seems. There are days where I just don't care anymore. I don't want to R. I just want to build a new life, be more subject to change for the better, and move on. Then there are other days where I'm kind of numb, still in disbelief this is happening and wish I could reconcile with her. The silence and the lack of communication, different narratives, understanding, vulnerability, willingness really bugs me. Sometimes I have to remind myself to curb my anger about it and keep a balanced mindset, be alert about what's really going on around me, but yet still of compassion for her.
She puts on a really good normal front in front of other people and acts like she's happy, but when around me alone, her tone and behavior changes. You can hear the depression and stress in her voice struggling to survive and be the new person she wants to be. She is dedicated to all of her programs and her therapy. But her habits and actions indicate otherwise.
Just need more time more space and more detachment. I hope she figures herself out in her life. Just as much as I need to figure mine out individually.
Oh man I’m feeling your pain and confusion brother. I’m absorbing some of it for you mate to give you some headspace.
How’s your son’s croup? Keep an eye on his tonsils and temperature. Don’t hesitate to go back to hospital if needed.
Can you afford temporary storage for your stuff or store with a mate? Can you afford Airbnb or similar if you don’t find a place in time? Caravan park? Just something temporary. You don’t want to rush into a lease.
What’s a quit claim?
If your heads spinning make sure you keep a notebook with you to map things out and jot things down. This plays havoc on short term memory and rapid decision making.
I found insight timer app helped calm my mind when it was racing. Davidji and David gandelman are so soothing!
Nothing I’ve read suggests your mindset is distorted.
Stay strong mate and stay the course. You’re your children’s rock. Cheers ds
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Why you giving her money ? She is just manipulating you with don stories. You are going to kick yourself down the line . She is happy around everyone else but when you she is shaky with stress and depression?
IH, hang in there, even though separating might put a financial strain on you I suspect you will start feeling a lot better about life after you get out of the limbo you're stuck in right now! Sounds like you're handling interactions with your W well. I wouldn't bother with the R talks anymore because it just sends you spinning and who knows if she's even telling you the truth.
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I sometimes wonder if I have the wrong mindset and all of this and I'm being a stubborn hard a$$.
I think a lot of us have or had those same thoughts. You spend years treating this person like they are your best friend and to suddenly shot that down makes you feel like a jerk. But detaching, GALing, leaving her alone is absolutely the best approach. It's not being cold, rude or indifferent. Just "not as available".
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I've been trying really hard to take a balanced approach to be polite courteous and friendly, without seeming punitive.
Good!
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There are days where I just don't care anymore. I don't want to R. I just want to build a new life, be more subject to change for the better, and move on. Then there are other days where I'm kind of numb, still in disbelief this is happening and wish I could reconcile with her. The silence and the lack of communication, different narratives, understanding, vulnerability, willingness really bugs me. Sometimes I have to remind myself to curb my anger about it and keep a balanced mindset, be alert about what's really going on around me, but yet still of compassion for her.
Yes, this is a great summary of the difficulties of being an LBS. It is frustrating, but it is also normal. And your last sentence (bolded) is spot on.
AS, Tryhard, and DS9. Thanks for the support. As far as $ and the W. Both her and I maintained our individual health insurance with our workplaces, but she had me on as a secondary on her policy. I had her keep me on it from January to August for the mental health benefits since my plans deduction was over $1000. So she took my half of the tax return money from this year deducted that from what I owed her (Even though she already spent it.) So owed amount came out to $321 and change. So I gave her $100 torwards that to give her a little cash flow until she got paid. I'm in no hurry to give it all to her at once, despite having the money because I have to plan for all of my amenities purchases and rent security deposit in the next 15 to 30 days. She can sweat it. Besides she's holding my $5k until I sign the quick claims deed. What that is is basically you relinquish any ownership of title to the property. She is now the sole mortgage holder for the mortgage note since refinance. Funny story she had a guy come by the house I filled out some papers and signed off on them. I didn't relinquish anything it was just with knowledge that she is the sole mortgage note holder. Had to fill out our date of marriage on the form. She couldn't remember the year...lol... even though our 10th anniversary was three weeks prior.
As far as our R talks... I'd rather slam my ball$ in a sliding door then have another one of those talks. I mean yeah it brings Clarity on other people's perceptions of things but it really doesn't do any good as far as the marriage is concerned. I only bring certain things up every once in awhile just to gauge how far off both of our perceptions are since we barely communicate. I'm done fighting for her, standing for her, and holding onto her. She is overall a good woman, but I'm just hurt as a man, a father and a husband. She is not out to get me or screw me, she is being fair overall and amicable. Im just more focused on getting my act together for my own and S2's sake. Im gone though. I'm going out of my way to distance myself from her and her family despite them all still being very good people. I'm not playing into her narrative that we can still be a family, act as a family, etc... So yeah I'm being a little bit of a hard a$$ at times, but that's my mindset, and my family's mindset when people divorce and seperate. Her family's mindset is everybody can still get along and go to family functions and be friends and all this other stuff, bring future relationship mates etc... maybe one day when I'm ready for it, years down the road when im detached. The only thing I'm willing to attend is if its for S2 like birthdays or back to school night. Otherwise..SEPERATED!!! Good luck to you and your new life, I wish you well. as far as dealing with the headaches I'm getting the better end of the deal when it comes to the buyout and she's going to have to go through all the trouble to put the house in the market... So?...TBC... going to my first swing dancing lessons tonight yeehaw
Found this really awesome guy on YouTube who is a life coach on living your best self and relationships. Teaches valuable life lessons. He really goes deep into how to live the best version of yourself, heal, handle relationships, etc.
Last edited by job; 10/04/1908:47 PM. Reason: Removed reference name to another coach who is not associated with DB
I have some thoughts and feelings here to express later that I've been thinking about all day and very similar to Uni and IW. Thornton and Wolf as well. But first tonight I'm going to go live for me I'm going out solo I think I'm going to go find a jazz club or something. I need to make me happy and I need to be alone doing it and get reacquainted with myself. I have mostly always been a socially lone wolf that is a lot of fun cuz if I ever have to wait around for someone else to do the things that I want to do. I would never get to do them. Time to regrow who I was and grow who I will be.
