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A Message from Michele
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Still figuring it all out #2853791
06/20/19 10:43 AM
06/20/19 10:43 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Previous thread:

Figuiring it all out

Iím back to more normal now. Hormones donít help a situation.

D11 and I went on a shopping spree Tuesday night. We got ice cream after and had quite a convo. Questions on whether or not my ex was dating his wife when we were married. She said ď he canít be my dad if he did something so horribleĒ I told her what happened between adults doesnít affect him being your dad. She thought about it and said ďyouíre very happy now, momĒ I told her I was so there was nothing to worry about. She told me she really likes M and his son is just so cute. Iím glad everyone likes each other.

She almost got high honor roll! Well, Iím my book she did. And 89.2 and the teacher couldnít give her an A. Grrrr. But I told her in my book, she got straight aís and she can have the rewards I promised her. Iím really proud of her, she rocked it. She was at her grandmas last night and I asked if she told her dad and all he sai was ď niceĒ she was like ďthatís it mom, thatís all he saidĒ so she called me a few times for praise last night. I have it to her

He accepted my dinner invitation last night. We had a really really nice night. Very loving. He slept over. Tomorrow night is movie and Sunday is the party. A friend made a very good point. Heís probably giving all he can give right now. I do think he wants to give a lot. And in ways he is. Iíve got to kind of just let things be for now.

This stuff is hard but itís worth it


Last edited by job; 06/20/19 02:15 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Re: Still figuring it all out [Re: Ginger1] #2853795
06/20/19 01:14 PM
06/20/19 01:14 PM
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neffer Offline
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I was going to post yesterday but your thread was closed.

Now, I see I donīt need to post...
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Iím back to more normal now.


Congrats to D11!!! Yes, be proud of her. Sure sheīs proud of you.

Sometimes is one day at a time, sometimes not. Time and patient are useful tools. Use them!

(((G)))


WW H(me): 49
W: 45
T: 25 M: 20
S: 15
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Still figuring it all out [Re: neffer] #2854071
06/22/19 12:58 PM
06/22/19 12:58 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,346
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uRworthy Offline
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Hey G...

Yay for little G..good for her. About her dad...she knows who he is and she struggles with it. She loves him because he's daddy, but, she sees what she sees and being so intuitive, it is hard for her.

She will get what she does from that relationship and thrive because of you.

About M...your reactions to his actions come from a place of fear instead of a place of strength.

Until you know deep in your soul that you are worthy, you will continue to feel as you do. That's the bottom line. While I would be devastated if something were to happen between me and R, I would be ok. I have walked through the toughest of storms and made it. So, I would make it through again. The reason I feel that way is because I know who I am and that I am enough.

That is not to say that your feelings about this relationship arent valid. They are. Wanting to spend more time with him and feeling that he is vested...nothing at all wrong with that.

But...you cant change him. Nor can you make him want to give more. That has to come from inside him.

So, your choices are to either allow this to unfold in his timeframe and accept that and be good with it or decide if that is what YOU want.

The thing is that until you are ok with you, you will continue to feel as you do. His actions have to do with him. Your reactions are on you.

He is showing you what he wants and what he is capable of. You are either ok with it or you're not. But you need to stop making excuses as to why he is who he is.

You have the right to feel as if you want more...without a doubt. If he isnt giving you what you need, then you have a decision to make. But the most important thing to know is that you matter. Your feelings matter. You deserve to have what you want because you are worthy of it and anyone is lucky to have you.

Re: Still figuring it all out [Re: Ginger1] #2854177
06/23/19 10:17 PM
06/23/19 10:17 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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M just dropped us off from my cousins house for the party. I have got to hand it to him. He showed up in front of a lot of new people and was just awesome. We all had lots of fun. Itís kind of funny, because for many years I have been showing up as solo mom. Iíve never shown up with a guy EVER. You can tell everyone was pretty thrilled for me.

Letís rewind to Friday which was movie night . It went very nice. Heís getting closer and closer to not hiding us. We pulled up and his son saw us and he lit up and came running . D11 says, ďmom, he really love youĒ D11 plays with him so good and he loves D11. Then it was interesting. M forgot something at home when we were at the lake. His house is literally 2 minutes away. His son was playing in the sand with D11. I said ďgo, I got emĒ and he kind of froze and asked if I was sure . I said. Iím pretty good with kids, go!Ē So he asks his son if he wants to take a ride or stay with us. He stayed with me of course. I think he got nervous because ifngod forbid something happened on his watch, under my eye, his ex would go bezerk. All was well. He also knows Iím pretty great with kids. He laughs because every where I go strange kids flock to me. I took a womanís son into a funhouse at the carnival because she asked me. She was pregnant. We went to the community pool and these two little girls were all about me watching all their tricks and then decided to hold onto me in the pool . And today, a friend of my cousin has 3 young kids which are hard to keep up with. They attached to me and I kept them busy so she could relax a little. She said ď my kids love you, you are so good and patient with them!Ē I am actually pretty good with children

Saturday morning D11 says to me ď Son is going to have so much at the party with so and soĒ then she gets this scared look on her face. ď mom! What if they donít play nice with him?!? Well, Iím going to make sure they do!Ē Then in the pool today she is helping him on and off the rafts and M saw it and he thought it was so cute. They completely act like brother and sister. I imagine this is a lot of what it would have looked like. And we are pretty good with the both of them even if we parent a little differently. Itís definitely surreal, but itís becoming a natural comfortable dynamic.

That brings me to the issue at hand and what you said UR. Intellectually I know I am worthy. I have grown so much as an adult. Iíve Survived some unbelievable stuff. I also managed to make something of myself through that survival . Iím an extremely dedicated mother. Flawed but wholly dedicated to my child. I am loving and forgiving, smart and funny. Iím good with kids, I am extremely loyal and I would do anything for the ones I love. And a guy who doesnít nurture that would be a fool. I know this. But my self doubt according to my track record with men goes into a tailspin. Because of logistics, really. How can I not be ďworth itĒ to so many men, if Iím so worthy? But......

After a lot of thinking and looking at the big picture. I know M thinks I am worth it. And I truly think he is worth it. And I donít think my patience will be for nothing. I think we will meet at the same place in the road one day. And I am in no rush to get there. He is making a true effort for all of us to spend time together. We see each other often with our kids. And how great is it that they get along so well? We will have a great weekend this upcoming weekend just the two of us.

And what scares me. The family bonding is going so well. I seriously just love his little boy. We all have a love for each other. And having that end scares me.

And I also have to remember, not every relationship comes to an end. Itís another thing I need to get myself in used to. Iím sitting here wondering when he end date is. Then I realize, maybe there isnít one?

I would survive too if it did, but I would be devastated. This is the most serious R in my life ever. Sometimes it seems more serious than my M was. Because itís more adult and more real.

Now, here, Iíve babbled. If you made it this far, I praise you. But Iím beginning to really put things into perspective and not in panic mode.

Re: Still figuring it all out [Re: Ginger1] #2854194
06/24/19 01:27 AM
06/24/19 01:27 AM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,346
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uRworthy Offline
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G, why don't you, for the first time, just enjoy what is at this moment? What if you just decide that you are going to enjoy your time together with M, without fear of what will happen?

Because I am thinking that having the mindset that this is going to end, without any sign that it is, is not allowing you to enjoy it.

Sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith and see where we land.

Get out of your head some.

Allow it to unfold. You can, at any time, assess whether it is serving you or not and then make decisions accordingly.

You seem to have this whole layout in your head of where you think this should be and how it should look. All relationships are different.

My only concern is how you feel about you. You have to really wrap your head around the fact that you are a wonderful person who he is lucky to have found. And that if something were to happen, it would not be because you are lacking.

Just enjoy it, sweetie. Continue to express what you need to express in regards to your feelings, but, make sure they come from a place of strength. <3

Re: Still figuring it all out [Re: Ginger1] #2854237
06/24/19 02:40 PM
06/24/19 02:40 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
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You know G in some ways I can relate to what M is going through. You have to remember that everyone leaves their marriage, has different views of what happened, and has been single for different periods of time. I agree with the above and it is so much more about him than you.

I have struggled on many different levels with the Dr. Even though our timelines are the same she wanted out of her marriage and was miserable while I was blind sided, still loved my XW and would have done anything to make it work. I also knew she wanted a LTR from the start and I wasn't messing with someone that was just going to be a 3 or 4 date fling.

I know the Dr. is a catch which is why I have not pulled back and have continued to stay the course getting more comfortable. It has nothing to do with her. She is an amazing woman, a giver, sweet and kind.

From what you have written on this board it doesn't sound like M has ever once mentioned or brought up ending things with you. Freaked out?? Maybe at times but that is much different than ending things.

I as well have been freaked out, scared, afraid to be vulnerable and commit but I have never been close to pulling the plug. I do think about my struggles from time to time but ultimately the Dr has a say in things as well. If she doesn't feel that I am giving to her and/or reciprocating based on her needs then she can easily end it as well.

And to the above it has to be from a place of strength. You are a catch, believe you are a catch, and realize that any man would be lucky to have you. It's not about if M thinks you are worth it......it's about if G thinks M is worth it.

If you do then give, love, receive, stay true to your boundaries and enjoy the R as it unfolds. Be patient, stay in the present and try not to read into anything.

TBH I have found the less I talk about the DR. on the board the less I analyze about the situation smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Still figuring it all out [Re: Ginger1] #2854292
06/24/19 06:42 PM
06/24/19 06:42 PM
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Dawn70 Offline
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I agree with what J9 said...believe you are a catch and realize that any man would be lucky to have you. I know that is difficult, especially for women sometimes, but you have to change your mindset to prevent you from driving yourself crazy. You can think about those other times it didn't work out and all of that, but the fact of the matter is, at this current time, you have a guy who you say yourself you believe loves you, so just relax and enjoy it. Yes, it could end. But, it could also last forever. I'm the queen of negativity sometimes, so I get it. I tend to worse case scenario things ALL the time. In fact, I did it just this morning in a conversation with Sparky (not about our relationship, but something else) and I am sure it is exhausting for him when I do that sometimes. But, G, M is on board right now, giving you what he can give you. I said before and I stand by it, that you need to decide if what he can give you is enough and if it is, then by all means, give yourself permission to just relax and enjoy it and not worry so much about if/when it will end. I mean, I could win the lottery tomorrow or I could get run over by a chicken truck when I walk out my front door...honestly, the odds are about the same because I didn't buy a lottery ticket today and chicken trucks don't usually come by my house, but the point is, we just do NOT know what the future holds and it may be fleeting, but it may be that M is the one and he is just working through his own stuff while giving you what he can.

You are definitely worthy, G. Start convincing yourself of that!


Me 50, H51
3 adult daughters from XH's first marriage (plus 4 grandkids)
Divorce final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
1 adult daughter and bonus daughter-in-law from current H's first marriage
Re: Still figuring it all out [Re: Ginger1] #2854304
06/24/19 08:08 PM
06/24/19 08:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 239
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EyeTie Offline
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I can't agree more with everyone. It's very hard when you are the left behind spouse to be able to trust again. Finding relationships are fairly easy, if you want to settle. But to find someone that you can trust takes time.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
Re: Still figuring it all out [Re: Ginger1] #2854334
06/24/19 10:56 PM
06/24/19 10:56 PM
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Posts: 15,532
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kml Offline
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Quote
I could win the lottery tomorrow or I could get run over by a chicken truck when I walk out my front door...honestly, the odds are about the same because I didn't buy a lottery ticket today and chicken trucks don't usually come by my house,


Hahahahaha Dawn smile

I tell people all the time - CMM could live five more years and I could get hit by a truck tomorrow, none of us are guaranteed the future so we might as well enjoy today.

Re: Still figuring it all out [Re: Ginger1] #2854595
06/26/19 12:23 PM
06/26/19 12:23 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Iíve been taking a break, but I definitely have been letting it all sink in.

Iím just going with flow and enjoying the moments. I havenít had anxiety over this, Iíve been calm and not overthinking .

I am a touch nervous about tonight and the graduation . I donít know if sheíll just not say a word because they donít interact. Or she will try to talk to me. I donít know. His ex does know about me from son. Iím hoping everything just goes smoothly for that little boy. I believe it will.

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