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Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY #2859116
07/29/19 01:32 AM
07/29/19 01:32 AM
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St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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This Is my 1st post to the forum, but I've been on here for a few weeks.

So, 3 weeks ago Saturday, I got home around noon, my wife was sitting on the back porch and something just didn't feel right. I asked her what was wrong, said she was just thinking, I asked about what and this is where everything gets a bit fuzzy. She said ILYBNILWY. Said that shes probably felt this way for 3 years but just recently had time to think about things when she went with her girlfriend and girlfriends 2 daughters two weeks earlier on a camping/kayaking weekend and had hours to think while floating down the river.

I don't remember everything that was said that day but I cried, said we could fix this, even offer to find a marriage counselor but she said she wouldn't do more than a visit or 2. She went on to say she was done and couldn't do this anymore but she had nowhere to go. She ended up going to her friends house that night so I could think about things and came home Sunday night after she knew I was already asleep.

Since then, shes been home about 2 days a week, spending Wednesday thru Sunday evenings with her friends. The first 2 days after she broke the news to me, we only said maybe 10 words between us and she was spending the evening hours in another room avoiding me. Shes sleeping in the spare room, I have the MBR. The past 2 weeks, things have gotten progressively more "normal" around the house, good conversations, eating dinner together, hanging out on the back porch and shopping, although she still in the other room and only home 2-3 days a week. Almost feels like were just friends though. There's like no emotional connection there.

I haven't brought up anything about the day she broke the news to me or anything about our relationship. Just going day by day being almost like a friend.

Guess I should give some of our past. Will be M for 24 years this September, D21, S18. One of her complaints is we never did anything together including anything significant for our anniversaries, just dinners. We did stuff early on, just the 2 of us, but as the years went on, everything we did included the kids. Four years ago (around or 20th anniversary) she had a voucher for a hotel on the lake, I shot it down because of bad reviews and never booked anything else. She said this is about the time she started falling out of love. We used to go hiking or for walks together but even that came to an end over a year ago. The last several months I knew something wasn't right but didn't do anything about it.

I've had 3 recessions with a DB coach, starting 3 days after getting the bad news. After 1st secession, told me to just talk to her like a friend and no R talk. Maybe even try asking her if she wanted to go out and get a biet to eat or something, never did.

After the 2nd secession, had me work on validation and empathy with her and had me write her an apology letter taking ownership of the things I did wrong in her eyes in the R, but not give it to her.

3rd and final secession, fine tuned the apology letter and told me to give it to her when I felt things were going good. Not sure if the friend stage we're at is when I should or not or do I wait until I see changes in her that looks like she's having a change of heart. Also to continue validation/empathy. And to write down situations, what I did that work and what didn't.

So, where I'm at now, we're like friends, talking and hanging out around the house. No physical contact except for a single shoulder massage I gave her. No R talk. I'm not sure where her head is with what's going on. I want to talk R and talk to her about working on what we can do to start moving in the right direction.
Forgot to mention, there's been no mention of the D or separation.

I'm sorry this is so long, just trying to get all the info in.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859118
07/29/19 01:37 AM
07/29/19 01:37 AM
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Cadet Offline

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859119
07/29/19 01:48 AM
07/29/19 01:48 AM
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Rose888 Offline
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Sorry you are here.

I know it’s tempting to start a talk about your relationship but that is almost never a good idea.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859132
07/29/19 04:10 AM
07/29/19 04:10 AM
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Hi Rick,

Losing affection you've counted on for 24 years must be a gut shot. Sorry you're going through this. Glad to hear you're taking things slow, steady, and considerate.


My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859150
07/29/19 11:35 AM
07/29/19 11:35 AM
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St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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So I just realize I didn't really state what I'm questioning in my original post.

Do I just stay the coarse, keep up the friendly conversation and living in separate rooms?

I know I can talk R right now, but should I let her know that when she's ready to talk, I'm always open to it and leave it at that, not being it up again unless she does.?

What's driving me crazy is not knowing what she's thinking, what her plans are , if she has any. About a week after she broke the news to me, she was rear ended and I think the cars being totalled. I don't know if that's the only reason she's still at home. Yesterday we were doing some shopping for things she needs, hanging out around the house, conversations are like they were before all this happened, like friends hanging out, almost like it never happened, but with no physical contact.

I know this can sometimes be a long process and I can't change the way she feels. I just want to be sure I'm handling things right or if there's anything I'm missing.

Thank you for.any and all replys.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859165
07/29/19 12:46 PM
07/29/19 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Rick71
What's driving me crazy is not knowing what she's thinking, what her plans are , if she has any.


Sorry but I am sure right this minute she has no clue what she is doing or thinking, and if she does
it does not include you.

Best thing you could do right now is to start making changes for YOU,
so you feel better and not make changes to try to win her back.

Do you have any desire to go on hikes in the woods.

Do it or something else that you have wanted to do.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859173
07/29/19 01:12 PM
07/29/19 01:12 PM
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St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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I've started working out at the gym, which I had been putting off. Been going on runs and working on projects around the house on projects I've been meaning to get to. I've been read a lot as well.

As far as the apology letter that my DB coach had me write, I should have clarified with her, but she said to give it to my wife when things seem to be going good or getting better. Things are ok right now, but like I said, we're like friends,. I would assume she probably meant when things are turning around and going in a positive direction. Am I right?


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859179
07/29/19 01:51 PM
07/29/19 01:51 PM
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What do you hope to accomplish by giving her the letter?

If it is to turn things around then I do not think this is the time.

The letter is a form of pursuit and more likely to drive her away then bring her closer.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859184
07/29/19 02:28 PM
07/29/19 02:28 PM
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Rick, sorry you are here, this is a miserable thing to go through but don't give up hope!

Quote
I don't remember everything that was said that day but I cried, said we could fix this, even offer to find a marriage counselor but she said she wouldn't do more than a visit or 2. She went on to say she was done and couldn't do this anymore but she had nowhere to go. She ended up going to her friends house that night so I could think about things and came home Sunday night after she knew I was already asleep.

Since then, shes been home about 2 days a week, spending Wednesday thru Sunday evenings with her friends. The first 2 days after she broke the news to me, we only said maybe 10 words between us and she was spending the evening hours in another room avoiding me. Shes sleeping in the spare room, I have the MBR. The past 2 weeks, things have gotten progressively more "normal" around the house, good conversations, eating dinner together, hanging out on the back porch and shopping, although she still in the other room and only home 2-3 days a week. Almost feels like were just friends though. There's like no emotional connection there.


OK so first I'm assuming that since you found DBing and a coach that you know not to do anymore of the crying/ begging/ pleading. We all did it at first so don't worry about it, but no more. If you need to cry then cry, but do it in private. I cried all the way to work and home every day for who knows how long. Second, normal behavior is good! So many here deal with a WAS that has gone completely off the rails, and that can make things even more miserable. Friendzone and "no emotional connection" are par, it will hopefully change with time but it's going to take a while. Try not to spend too much time with her, it'll be tempting but she does need time and space to process things.

Quote
I haven't brought up anything about the day she broke the news to me or anything about our relationship. Just going day by day being almost like a friend.


Good. No pressure!

Quote
One of her complaints is we never did anything together including anything significant for our anniversaries, just dinners. We did stuff early on, just the 2 of us, but as the years went on, everything we did included the kids.


I know it's tempting to do a 180 on that, but now isn't the time. If you start working on things later then you can consider that, but for now no dates or anything, that's all pressure.

Quote
3rd and final secession, fine tuned the apology letter and told me to give it to her when I felt things were going good. Not sure if the friend stage we're at is when I should or not or do I wait until I see changes in her that looks like she's having a change of heart. Also to continue validation/empathy. And to write down situations, what I did that work and what didn't.


The coaches are great and it sounds like you are getting some excellent advice. I agree with Cadet on the letter though, now isn't the time. Many of us wrote such letters early on and gave it to our WAS only to get zero response. The thing is, your W is just as complicit in the marriage falling apart as you, but in her eyes it's all your fault. If you write a letter accepting all the blame it just validates her belief that you are the problem and she needs to leave and find someone else. With time she will start to remember things more clearly. She'll remember that things weren't so bad after all and in fact were pretty good, and she'll learn to miss you. But until then you have to give her lots of time and space.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859231
07/29/19 05:04 PM
07/29/19 05:04 PM
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unchien Online
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Rick71 - Read my sitch if you want to see how well letters go over at this time in your situation.


M: 11, T: 15
S7, D5, D3
MC1: 09/2018-01/2019
BD: 06/12/19
MC2: 06/12/19-??
S: 06/29/19-??
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859238
07/29/19 05:24 PM
07/29/19 05:24 PM
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Steve85 Online
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Originally Posted by Rick71
I know I can talk R right now, but should I let her know that when she's ready to talk, I'm always open to it and leave it at that, not being it up again unless she does.?.


Rick first of all I want to quote this and tell you that you do not have to do this!! She will come to you when she is ready to share. She knows you will listen to her plans. You don't have to tell her. We have a saying around here: when she wants to come back you will know it, when she doesn't you will be confused.

Stay the course.

Sorry you are here. But you came to the right place. Brace yourself for at least an EA and probably a PA. Her behavior points to it. Strongly.

Do not give her the apology letter unless and until she comes back wanting to work on things. I will only push her further away if you give it to her otherwise.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859242
07/29/19 05:33 PM
07/29/19 05:33 PM
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Hey Rick -

So sorry you are going through this. 27 years is a long time - I've been in mine nearly 21 and it hurts like nothing I've ever known on bad days.

You've gotten some good advice. I know it's not what you want to hear but giving time and space are two of the most crucial things you can do right now. That's not to say to ignore your W - but she needs to figure her own stuff out without input from you.

I did the same things you did - pressure, begging, pleading etc - for quite a while until I found this site. My sit was horrible until I backed off. Once I did, it went from horrible to really bad, but it slowed down things and relieved a lot of pressure.

The key is to focus on yourself right now. Also - actions over words. I wouldn't give her the letter right now, wait until things are better. But I would start journaling - it helps to process your emotions.

This is an extremely hard thing to go through but you will be okay. These things take time and patience.

And remember to take care of yourself too. This would be a good time to get into individual counseling if you are not already - or if you are feeling really down.

If you have any questions feel free to ask - a lot of the vets here have been around longer than I have and they know what they are talking about.

Take care - stay strong! smile

Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859334
07/29/19 11:57 PM
07/29/19 11:57 PM
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Thank you for all the replys, it really helps getting support and guidance from those that have been through this. This emotional roller coaster really [censored]!!
So I'll continue with what I'm doing, no R talk, GAL, and trying to keep myself busy.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Steve85] #2860777
08/09/19 02:33 AM
08/09/19 02:33 AM
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Steve85

Sorry you are here. But you came to the right place. Brace yourself for at least an EA and probably a PA. Her behavior points to it. Strongly.



I guess it's all the time she's away from the house as well as the ILYBINILWY, but with no proof, how do I approach this? Do I still continue doing the same that I've been doing, shes still at home 2-3 days a week. Wednesday thru Sunday afternoon, shes with her "girlfriends", camping or boating or whatever they're doing, and just wait for her to want to talk about things or do I try and get proof she's cheating? I could work past the infidelity if it got to the point that we're working on the marriage, just not sure re how to approach it.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860779
08/09/19 03:14 AM
08/09/19 03:14 AM
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Affairs are secondary issues. I made my worst mistakes when I discovered her EA. I was badly torn on whether to confront or not. I didn’t follow Sandi’s advice on it..hadn’t read it yet....and it backfired. Best to assume it and detach so that if it happens, you don’t freak out. Brace yourself because if there is never an affair, you will be relieved...but if there is one and you aren’t braced, you won’t handle it well.


Me: 36 W:38
M13
S10 D8
ILYBNILY: Feb 2019(?)
Sep in House: Mar 2019
EA1 started 2017, discovered 6/19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860780
08/09/19 03:32 AM
08/09/19 03:32 AM
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LH19 Online
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R,

If you get proof then what? You confront her she denies it then what’s your next steps?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860837
08/09/19 04:20 PM
08/09/19 04:20 PM
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Quote
She said ILYBNILWY. Said that shes probably felt this way for 3 years but just recently had time to think about things when she went with her girlfriend and girlfriends 2 daughters two weeks earlier on a camping/kayaking weekend and had hours to think while floating down the river.


There's a reason it's called the "bomb drop", b/c it comes out of left field and totally blindsides the H. One thing I recommend is that you don't give her words much credibility from this point until reconciliation. Don't define your day by what she says or whatever mood she happens to show at any given moment. You are going to learn a lot of information on the board, and I hope your focus will not be on what your W is saying or how she's acting. Don't be afraid you might make her angry or upset at you. If you can accomplish what I've said within just this first paragraph, you will be better prepared to undertake futher challenges that await you.

I want you to pay close attention to what I am saying. You must not share your thoughts and/or feelings with your W as you go through this horrific period. Why? B/c she doesn't care about your feelings or thoughts. She has changed, and it's probably going to get much worse before it gets better. She is no longer the same girl you married. You cannot trust her, even if she has always been the most trustworthy person you've ever known. Therefore, you cannot entrust your feelings to her. You cannot share your private thoughts & concerns. You cannot tell her how hard you are willing to work, or how much you still love her, or that you will always be there for her. Why? B/c she doesn't care, Rick. She didn't drop the bomb to get your attention that you had better shape up or ship out. That's not what all of this is about. All she cares about right now is freedom. She doesn't want to hear about MC or working on the MR. She's emotional done with it, and the more you try to do something to fix it..........the more she will resist. So, don't talk to her about saving the M, or giving you a chance to correct whatever mistakes in the past, etc. She doesn't care. Any complaints she might give you about things that were lacking in the relationship,.........doesn't matter at this point. You could become Mr. Perfect and it would not change her mind right now. Why? B/c in her opinion, this situation is not really about you. It's all about her. Her so-called complaints is simply smoke screens to distract and cover. Jumping through hoops of fire to impress her how much you are "trying", is useless. However, there are other things you can do.

What I am suggesting is that you establish a private plan just for Rick (no sharing with the W). It will be your guideline for how you will determine your actions. It will be based on what's best for you, your values, integrity, dignity, honor, spiritual/moral belief system, etc. Right now, you have to get your head detached from her, so that you can think with your brain and not with your emotions. Emotions were not designed to think and make decisions. The job of our emotions is to respond. With that said, I realize you must be dealing with a lot of pain and bewilderment. (((Rick))) You will probably hear the board tell you to "detach". DB detaching is stepping back emotionally from your W and her drama. It is protecting yourself, so you don't go spiraling downward. DB detaching is not behaving mean, cold, mad, or other negatives you may think it's suggesting. You don't cave to your strong emotion to be attached to her. Detachment is needed in order to gain strength and clarity.

Quote
The past 2 weeks, things have gotten progressively more "normal" around the house, good conversations, eating dinner together, hanging out on the back porch and shopping, although she still in the other room and only home 2-3 days a week. Almost feels like were just friends though. There's like no emotional connection there.


This is very typical. Your W wants to "normalize" the new arrangement she has forced on the family/home. She is just fine demoting you from husband to a friend, and going through the motions of happy family. Sadly, many couples spend the remaining married years in the friend zone. BTW, how was your sex life, before the bomb drop?

Quote
So, where I'm at now, we're like friends, talking and hanging out around the house. No physical contact except for a single shoulder massage I gave her. No R talk. I'm not sure where her head is with what's going on. I want to talk R and talk to her about working on what we can do to start moving in the right direction.
Forgot to mention, there's been no mention of the D or separation.


Here's what I see in most H's when they first get the ILYBINILWY speech. It wakes him up and he immediately wants to jump into action to fix whatever is making her unhappy. Two things I want you to remember. You cannot "nice" her back, and you cannot "talk" her back. H's want to resolve the issues by talking to the W, but it doesn't work. The quicker you accept that relationship talks are off the table for now, the sooner you will start absorbing the information we want to pass along. I need to clarify something about R talks. Most W's try to con the H into a R talk. If you see your W's conversation leading that way, it's not b/c she wants to resolve the problems. It's b/c she wants to paint you the bad guy in the M, and thereby, justifying her feelings and whatever actions she may take.

Here's how to deal with her bringing up the relationship, if she does. As long as she doesn't scream, cruse at you, throw things, threaten you, or something alone those lines..........you just listen. But should she start with some of those behaviors, then you leave. On the other hand, if your W talks about the issues in the relationship without getting crazy, your job is to listen. Don't argue, don't defend, & don't explain. Most women just want to be heard. She is not asking to be fixed.

I don't know how well you validate, but I find that many people do not have that natural talent, especially when validating their spouse. There is a thread at the top of newcomers forum that gives a cheat sheet. Read it and be ready to validate your W when she is venting about you, the MR, or something else.

It's important that you read Cadet's recommendations. Post every day you can. You are not alone in this situation. Many people here are further down the road, and be a great help to you.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860838
08/09/19 04:47 PM
08/09/19 04:47 PM
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Wow sandi that was really well said, I wish we could archive that because it was the the best description of what is going on in the majority of our sitches.

But anyway agreed with the others rick. Now is not the time for the letter. Your W has friend zoned you. I know you still somewhat live together so things must be difficult. It sounds like you have a WW on your hands but maybe a veteran could advise your better but if you get the chance read sandis guide about how to deal with WWs.

For now I stress how important GAL is. Not only will it help you to not think about W but it will give you opportunities for new friends and new hobbies. Don’t worry about stepping on her toes, get out of the house and GAL as often as possible!


Me: 26 W:26
T:6 M:1 S: 1
BD: 3/26/19
DBing: 4/12/19
Separation: 5/20/19
I filed: 8/7/19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860839
08/09/19 04:54 PM
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Sandi2 is very wise. Read her words above again multiple times and get everything she says burned into your mind.


I was bomb dropped 10 years ago. I was with my wife for 18 years. I have been on these boards for a long time.

Here is what I believe:


"Set her free" to get her back. Set her free to get her back. Set her free to get her back.


Most newbies take to long to do this. She is wayyyyyy ahead of you. You need to get ahead of her. She is very predictable. Spend enough time reading here and you should be able to predict everything she will do and have a plan on how to respond appropriately.


"I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me"

I am not saying you do this immediately but you should quickly get to a point where you understand why I am recommending this:

H:"W, we need to talk"
W:"OK"
H:"W, I have thought about what you said the other day, and I agree. This is not working for me either. I think it is best that you start looking for a place to live."


#1) You tell her you listened to her.
#2) By agreeing, you validate how she feels.
#3) You let her know that you understand it is not working for her
#4) You let her know that it is not working for you.
#5) You as the man are leading. No stuck in limbo.
#6) She wants out, you are not standing in the way.
#7) she wants out, she moves out.
#8) you are creating distance for her to pursue you








"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860842
08/09/19 05:19 PM
08/09/19 05:19 PM
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My W became a lot friendlier right before the BD.

"Believe none of what they say, and half of what they do" - this applies to both negatives and positives.

If you find yourself assuming something your W said or did means something, stop and consider the alternatives. You will find you can come to almost any conclusion -- and hence you are wasting your time and energy thinking about it at all. Focus on yourself instead.


M: 11, T: 15
S7, D5, D3
MC1: 09/2018-01/2019
BD: 06/12/19
MC2: 06/12/19-??
S: 06/29/19-??
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860843
08/09/19 05:39 PM
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Quote
I know I can talk R right now, but should I let her know that when she's ready to talk, I'm always open to it and leave it at that, not being it up again unless she does.?


No, and here's why. As crazy as it may sound, she should wonder if she's pushed you away. Even if you are behaving like friends at the moment, she should never be assured that you will always be there for her.......no matter what. She should not be assured that there is nothing she could ever do that would stop you loving her. These are things you tell a spouse who is in love with you. Didn't she tell you she is no longer "in love" with you? You may not see pursuit in the quote above, and that's understandable. Everything is pursuit (emotional pressure), for her. Just suggesting that you would be open to a R talk whenever she's ready..........is pressure. When she's ready to talk, she will. She needs no encouragement or assurance where you stand.

Quote
What's driving me crazy is not knowing what she's thinking, what her plans are , if she has any.


Then turn this ^^^^^^^around. She should be going crazy not knowing what you are thinking, and what your plans are, since she bombed you.

Quote
About a week after she broke the news to me, she was rear ended and I think the cars being totalled. I don't know if that's the only reason she's still at home.


She always has two plans. Plan A takes priority, but it doesn't always fall just like she wants.......therefore, she always has a backup plan. That's where you come into the picture as her backup, better known as Plan B.

Quote
Yesterday we were doing some shopping for things she needs,


And why were you tagging along?

Quote
hanging out around the house, conversations are like they were before all this happened, like friends hanging out, almost like it never happened, but with no physical contact.


Welcome to your new normal. It will stay this way until Plan A comes through, or one of you die.

Quote
As far as the apology letter that my DB coach had me write, I should have clarified with her, but she said to give it to my wife when things seem to be going good or getting better. Things are ok right now, but like I said, we're like friends,. I would assume she probably meant when things are turning around and going in a positive direction. Am I right?


I think you are right. I also think you need to forget about the apology letter, b/c it's distracting you from more important things at the moment. For example, you refer to things being okay right now. Although she's not sleeping with you and says she's not in love with you, you define the situation as okay..........b/c she has friend zoned you and for some reason you want to believe it's better than nothing. Let me ask you, if you knew this would be the best it ever gets in the MR, is that okay with you?

Actually, I think I get you. You are trying to follow some general advice that one gets to improve their M, and you want to know if you are doing it correctly. The thing is that by the time a H comes to a public forum seeking help for his M problems, it's very serious and there's usually more going on than comes out initially. I've been around long enough to see this same scenario play out many times. It starts with the H going along with whatever his W decides, and if she's in the mood to hang out and play happy family, goes shopping with her for things she needs, etc. In other words, he is very accommodating.

A wife loses her attraction for her H, and her "in love" feelings, b/c she stops respecting him. Her desire/love is tied to how much she respects him as a man, and as her H. So, that's where you need to start working. She's not going to start respecting you by hanging out with her whenever she decides to drop by the house for a few days. Don't go shopping with her when it's all about her. You should be too busy GAL that doesn't include her. Don't tag along while she's women shopping. Fill up your calendar with activities for yourself. I'm not talking about computer games or watching TV, I mean something that gets you away from the house. You'll probably be concerned about what she'll think about it. Well, that's part of the problem. Stop worrying about her. This is the time to give her a massive amount of space. No texting throughout the day, no doing all her chores around the house, no smothering her with your constant watching or following her around the house.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: sandi2] #2860865
08/10/19 12:39 AM
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I want to say thank you to everyone for all the replies. I plan to reread them several times to let it all sink in, its a lot of good info.


Originally Posted by sandi2

This is very typical. Your W wants to "normalize" the new arrangement she has forced on the family/home. She is just fine demoting you from husband to a friend, and going through the motions of happy family. Sadly, many couples spend the remaining married years in the friend zone. BTW, how was your sex life, before the bomb drop?



Well, there's some info missing from my original post that came out with my talk with my DB coach regarding the sex life. We hadn't had sex for about 2 years before the bomb drop. Her reason given for it was she said it was because of menopause. Prior to that, we probably had sex maybe every 2-3 weeks, hard to remember how often when it's that far back. I can't really say how long ago the infrequent sex started. As far as our sorry sex life and lack of intimacy, I believe I'm the cause of that. I never considered it a problem until talking with my DB coach, but I've been involved in viewing porn for most of our married life. i don't remember how often I would view it earlier in the marriage, but going back maybe 15 years, it was fairly excessive, viewing porn maybe 4-6 days a week, sometime multiple times per day. Maybe anywhere between 1/2 hour to maybe 2 hours or more wasted time per day. I know this affected our intimacy, my sexual performance, my lack of desire to have sex when my wife wanted it. I would usually say I just wasn't in the mood or too tired. I had trouble maintaining an erection during sex, my wife tried to get me to go to the doctor to have things check out, but I would just blow it off.

Right now, I'm trying to control it on my own. Porn blockers on my devices, trying to be conscious of any triggers that make me want to view porn and redirecting my thoughts. I've only had a couple slip ups the past 5 weeks and I realize I may need professional help.

So,I know all this is the reason for the decline in our marriage. The emotional disconnect this caused between my wife and me was compounded by the lack of us doing much together as a couple over the last several years. I don't blame her for the current situation of our marriage. The bomb drop was my wake up call to all the things I've done wrong for many years that caused her to drift away emotionally and lose the love for me. I'm working on myself and trying to address the issues I have, so even if she were ready to R and come back into the marriage tomorrow, I couldn't do it until I can get my stuff straight. I just want to be ready so when it comes time to R, I won't slip back into my old self and repeat the same mistakes.


Originally Posted by sandi2


Quote
What's driving me crazy is not knowing what she's thinking, what her plans are , if she has any.


Then turn this ^^^^^^^around. She should be going crazy not knowing what you are thinking, and what your plans are, since she bombed you.



So to get her going crazy not knowing what I am thinking, is that just part of GAL? Is it just a matter of being mysterious because she doesn't know what's going on with me, where I'm at or what I'm doing?


Originally Posted by sandi2


Quote
hanging out around the house, conversations are like they were before all this happened, like friends hanging out, almost like it never happened, but with no physical contact.


Welcome to your new normal. It will stay this way until Plan A comes through, or one of you die.


Actually, I think I get you. You are trying to follow some general advice that one gets to improve their M, and you want to know if you are doing it correctly. The thing is that by the time a H comes to a public forum seeking help for his M problems, it's very serious and there's usually more going on than comes out initially. I've been around long enough to see this same scenario play out many times. It starts with the H going along with whatever his W decides, and if she's in the mood to hang out and play happy family, goes shopping with her for things she needs, etc. In other words, he is very accommodating.

A wife loses her attraction for her H, and her "in love" feelings, b/c she stops respecting him. Her desire/love is tied to how much she respects him as a man, and as her H. So, that's where you need to start working. She's not going to start respecting you by hanging out with her whenever she decides to drop by the house for a few days. Don't go shopping with her when it's all about her. You should be too busy GAL that doesn't include her. Don't tag along while she's women shopping. Fill up your calendar with activities for yourself. I'm not talking about computer games or watching TV, I mean something that gets you away from the house. You'll probably be concerned about what she'll think about it. Well, that's part of the problem. Stop worrying about her. This is the time to give her a massive amount of space. No texting throughout the day, no doing all her chores around the house, no smothering her with your constant watching or following her around the house.




So with this I guess I should GAL and be around her as little as possible. Usually when she is home for the 2-3 days, its in the evening after work when I'm making dinner and getting my things ready for work the next day. She usually gets home between 6-6:30 and I'm off to bed around 9:30. In that 3 hours, I don't hang around her, I don't greet her at the door. She usually finds me to talk to about her day at work while I'm making dinner ( for the 3 of us, with my son ), or if I'm sitting on the back patio. When she makes her way into the living room, I find something to do in another room. I also don't call or text her unless its something important, the number of times I could count on one hand. She rarely calls me and only texts me when she needs something and I keep my responses short.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860866
08/10/19 12:45 AM
08/10/19 12:45 AM
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Also forgot to say that she doesn't know about my porn issue, she had only caught me looking a porn once many years age.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860925
08/10/19 10:03 PM
08/10/19 10:03 PM
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Thanks for sharing that part with us, Rick. There was a poster on the board named Trumpet (like that name) who had porn addiction. He went cold turkey and last I heard, he had not looked back. If you're interested, check out his story.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...Main58584&Number=2624322#Post2624322


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861021
08/12/19 01:00 AM
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So since my last post,coming clean with the porn problem, I've been dealing with the pain of realizing how much this porn addiction has lead to what's going on now. The resentment my wife must feel for me for the years I wasn't emotionally connected to her and the lack of intimacy and disinterest I had in making love to her. I know the past is in the past and I can't change what's happened.

This realization occurred shortly after that post, I guess seeing it in writing and admitting to it on this forum has made me see how damaging it's been to my family.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861038
08/12/19 09:00 AM
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Rick, I think I recognise where you are because I was there once. Some plain advice about my situation may be appropriate. I'm not preaching because I don't know the whole story and cannot expect to so take on board any or none of this as you feel appropriate.

  • loss of attraction takes time
  • I was ignoring her emotional needs that I didn't understand for some time
  • This depletes the feeling of love slowly and relentlessly
  • ILYBINILWY is a critical sign that she's almost giving up but she is reaching out
  • talking about R right now will give rise to negative thoughts that could tip the R over the edge
  • The only safe way forward is to build love ignoring all else
  • Finding out what she's not been getting( probably for years ) is critical
  • It is likely to be something that seems insignificant( to you or me ) and is easy to provide
  • Demonstrating understanding of that will change her perception
  • Once love is restored all the issues that were swept under the carpet must be addressed


Hope this helps you avoid a load of mistakes I made. Good Luck.


Now divorced, boys grown up. Now in new failed relationship( never again, please )
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861042
08/12/19 11:49 AM
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Thanks for the reply Family Man, I think a lot of that applies to my sitch.

I read your thread and I'm sorry for what you're going thru a 2nd time. This is by far the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. Hope things begin turning around for you sooner rather than later.

So I think I'm doing pretty good with my detachment right now, I don't feel like I'm as concerned about what she's doing or where she's at much anymore. And I think after posting about my porn issues and getting out in the open, the realization of what it did to the marriage and the pain I was feeling for it has been subsiding. Using this forum as something of a journal helps too I guess.

My biggest worry now with all this isn't so much what my wife may be doing but what affect it has on the rest of the family and our finances. We have a house and mortgage, I can't afford it on my own if she just uo and jump ship and takes her income with her. We have a bankruptcy on our credit report that drops off next year and if we loose the house, that's another hit to my credit. My daughter is in the Navy, stationed in California, we live in Missouri. My son is here with me but he'll be leaving for the Airforce sometime around November. I'm not sure how much contact she has with either of them, my daughter has mentioned that she's text my wife but doesn't always get a response back. My wife hasn't really show much interest in what my son has going on with the airforce that I've seem. When she's home for a couple days she doesn't reach out to him to see how he's doing, but she'll talk with him if he comes to her.

I don't know if this is because she's in a state of confusion because she doesn't really know what she's doing or what.
I'm not sure but maybe she's avoid talking to my kids much thinking maybe there going to bring up the MR. My D did contact my wife and asked her if she wanted to talk, my W told her she wasn't ready to talk and my D left it at that.


Any insight anyone might have would be appreciated.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861044
08/12/19 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Rick71

My biggest worry now with all this isn't so much what my wife may be doing but what affect it has on the rest of the family and our finances.

Who are you trying to kid? Fix the issue with your wife and the other problems go away. It is time for a new you to step up to the plate. Talk to her about what's missing in her relationship with you. Don't judge, justify or argue, just listen and then develop a new game strategy. Keep it honest though - she will see straight through any BS. The new you is the prototype for the future you who has a great relationship with your W. You can probably guess I'm trying to reinforce my own determination.


Now divorced, boys grown up. Now in new failed relationship( never again, please )
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861442
08/15/19 02:15 AM
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So, I wanted to hit on a couple of things from earlier on than I never responded to.



Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Sandi2 is very wise. Read her words above again multiple times and get everything she says burned into your mind.


I was bomb dropped 10 years ago. I was with my wife for 18 years. I have been on these boards for a long time.

Here is what I believe:


"Set her free" to get her back. Set her free to get her back. Set her free to get her back.


Most newbies take to long to do this. She is wayyyyyy ahead of you. You need to get ahead of her. She is very predictable. Spend enough time reading here and you should be able to predict everything she will do and have a plan on how to respond appropriately.


"I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me"

I am not saying you do this immediately but you should quickly get to a point where you understand why I am recommending this:

H:"W, we need to talk"
W:"OK"
H:"W, I have thought about what you said the other day, and I agree. This is not working for me either. I think it is best that you start looking for a place to live."


#1) You tell her you listened to her.
#2) By agreeing, you validate how she feels.
#3) You let her know that you understand it is not working for her
#4) You let her know that it is not working for you.
#5) You as the man are leading. No stuck in limbo.
#6) She wants out, you are not standing in the way.
#7) she wants out, she moves out.
#8) you are creating distance for her to pursue you





This reply from R2C along with comments about bring in the "friend zone" and limbo with my sitch. Earlier on, my wife was only home from Sunday evening until she goes to work Wednesday, and then spending the rest of the week with her "friends" or who ever, I really don't care at this point. Last week, she was home Thursday as well and this week, I know she'll at least be home Saturday too, although it may only be because I need to go to the DMV with her because of the registration for the new car she bought herself.

To get back on subject, I'm really getting tired of this limbo and not knowing where this is all going. When she's here, we talk, I joke with her, she laughs, everything is really pleasant. I have no idea what she wants, if she has a plan or if I'm included. I'm getting to the point I want her to decide one way or the other, separate and stop living under the same roof or work on the M. With her living away from me, I feel I can get on with my life and go dark and if she makes up her mind to include me in her life, I would be willing to work on the M, otherwise I just keep doing what I need to do for myself.

I guess my concern with not knowing anything is I don't know if she's just playing house until something better comes along, or if she's in the process of getting a place to move to, whether with a friend or on her own with no concern that I can't afford the house we're in without her. Or maybe she's just confused and questioning everything, not really knowing what she wants or whether she wants to work on the M.

I'm in no hurry to go either way with this, just something I'm considering.

I just feel if I push to either work on the M or we need to separate, I'll be taking the lead and getting thing moving one way or the other. I just don't know how long I can live like married friends. It also won't be a quick separation we have to sell the house first. Although I do see if I push for one or the other, it'll most likely be a separation since I'm sure she's not to the point of working on anything. But, I don't think she can afford to live on her own since she just bought a new car and she'd have to get her own insurance. Then I have the concern that maybe she would choose to work on the M to buy her some time to come up with a plan to move on without me. I don't know how I could tell if she was genuine in her wanting to work on the M.

But is it also possible that this may get her thinking about seriously reconsidering stay in the M and working on it? I just don"t know......

Something else on my mind is that my son goes to basic for the Air Force in November and my daughter's in the Navy, so anything that comes up with them and graduations, my wife and I will both be attending. This whole situation also makes the visits home for the holidays that much more stressful....


Any comments or suggestions are appreciated.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861457
08/15/19 11:08 AM
08/15/19 11:08 AM
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R,

The best thing you can do right now is to start to think about what kind of life do you want moving forward and start planning for it. Start to prepare to sell the house. Make an appointment with a realtor. Eat right, work out, exercise your body, mind and spirit everyday. Reconnect with old friends, make new friends. Take up a hobby.

I hate to break the news to you but this will most likely take many months most likely years to play out. Also, it is highly likely your W is having an affair. Don't be too hard on yourself for the mistakes you made in the past. We are all imperfect human beings. Unless you had parents who were in a healthy relationship most people don't know what it's like to have a healthy relationship. This is where you learn from your mistakes and start reading up on the subject.

Read Sandis rules print them out and implement them. No one will ever treat you in a way that you don't allow them to. If you are not cool with the friend zone then don't allow yourself to be in the friend zone.

Unfortunately in the world we live in right now it is extremely difficult for high school sweethearts to go the distance. Your best chance is to become a man only a fool would leave.

Last edited by LH19; 08/15/19 11:09 AM.

M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: LH19] #2861468
08/15/19 12:52 PM
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Yea, the friend zone stinks!! Lately I've preferred the days she's gone over her being home, I feel like the ways she's acting around me is fake with all the conversation, because when she's gone at her friends, there's no contact.


So you think I should give her a letter explaining where things are going for me and selling the house and moving on is our best option? That way she can prepare for herself and find somewhere to go. I say a letter because that way I can lay it all out with out interruption, plus I'm not good with confrontation in person. I always leave things unsaid because I lose my train of thought.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861485
08/15/19 03:37 PM
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R,

First off letters are not a good idea so let's put that to rest right now.

Second what are you confronting her about? Are you doing this as a way to wake her up? If so it won't work and will likely blow up in your face.

You have to have infinite patience if you want this to work out.

Last edited by LH19; 08/15/19 03:39 PM.

M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861490
08/15/19 03:56 PM
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Lol why do the LBS's always want to write a letter? I swear we are a sappy bunch!

What you should be doing is enjoying this beautiful weather we have in town right now. GAL GAL GAL!!!! When I didn't know what else to do I'd go to Main St in St Charles and run and run and run and look at the pretty river and pretty girls and read a book and get good food and just soak up life. And then of course I'd go home and hurt again, but still.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861498
08/15/19 04:19 PM
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Rick,

You mentioned an apology letter a couple weeks ago, now a new letter.

NO LETTERS!!!

I learned this the hard way, it is ingrained into the fabric of my being.

Originally Posted by Rick71
I say a letter because that way I can lay it all out with out interruption, plus I'm not good with confrontation in person. I always leave things unsaid because I lose my train of thought.

You want to avoid confrontation by writing a letter, because you are bad with confrontation. I've been there too.

2x4 - it's time to work on your conflict avoidance. The instinct to write a letter is a maladaptive coping mechanism that is holding back all of your relationships. Writing letters is conflict avoidance. It is not healthy for your MR, or any relationship for that matter.

Let me guess: When you and your W have conflict, in the heat of the moment, she starts talking, and your mind is racing. You are trying to listen to her, and you start to feel overwhelmed and your brain locks up. You start to feel like your truth carries less weight than hers. After the fact you are frustrated and perhaps angry about this. You want to go back and fix it.

So you want to write a letter and lay it all out there. That way you can organize your thoughts in a nice structured flow.

It... does... not... work.

I would go so far as to say the act of letter writing is controlling. You want to structure everything perfectly because you want to control how your W interprets the message. You want her to "get it."

I did exactly this! it doesn't work. It's not about your W, it is about basic human communication. Up your game, work on yourself. You'll be glad you did it, it will improve ALL of your relationships.

It is super difficult to get over this hump. There's lots of advice here on improving conflict avoidance. Validation is a start. Ultimately I think this is about getting in touch with your values and your needs, seeing them as equally valid as anybody else's, feeling secure, and then handling conflict starts to become second nature. Letting go of expectations of the outcome of a conversation -- also a must.

Incidentally, the other problem with a letter is the permanence of it. You will hear caution about creating evidence which could be legally problematic, your W can read it over and over for the rest of her life, etc. But fundamentally I hope you can see the problem I have with the instinct to write a letter, which is that you are choosing to continue a poor style of communication rather than work on your own issues.

No letters. Do it.


M: 11, T: 15
S7, D5, D3
MC1: 09/2018-01/2019
BD: 06/12/19
MC2: 06/12/19-??
S: 06/29/19-??
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861503
08/15/19 04:42 PM
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Originally Posted by "unchien"
Ultimately I think this is about getting in touch with your values and your needs, seeing them as equally valid as anybody else's, feeling secure, and then handling conflict starts to become second nature.


A conversation I had backpacking with my partner.

Me, stops to enjoy the sound of a waterfall.
Her, wants to continue
Her: You always choose the pace. I feel like you're controlling us, you're holding the trip hostage.
Me: You're free to go ahead. I'll catch up. I control me. You control you.
Her: But I want to hike with you.
Me: I gotta do me. You gotta do you.

This simultaneously asserted my control over me while making no attempts to control her.

Originally Posted by "OverRainbow"
GAL GAL GAL!!!! When I didn't know what else to do I'd go to Main St in St Charles and run and run and run and look at the pretty river and pretty girls and read a book and get good food and just soak up life.


Rick, GAL and Detach help immensely. My happiness jumped from 5's to 8's. I went salsa dancing last night. I'm doing martial arts today. I went backpacking this weekend. Each time I thought of ending my relationship, I asked, "What would I do next?" The answer usually was something other than Tinder. That helped me find the patience to wait and see where my sitch would end up, and improved the outcome.

Originally Posted by "OverRainbow"
And then of course I'd go home and hurt again, but still.

It may feel fake or challenging at first, and there will be low moments.

Of course, you do you. If you feel your life would be better without her--take some time--then go for it.

Last edited by CWarrior; 08/15/19 04:48 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861512
08/15/19 05:28 PM
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I get it, no letters. It wasn't meant to be a wake up call, I guess I don't want to get blindsided if she leaves and I get stuck with a house payment I can't afford. I figured laying it out that we either work on the M or go out separate ways, I could be better prepared with selling the house.

I guess my mind had been all over the place and my current frame of thinking was that I'd rather her be gone than to deal with the way we currently are, married friends.

If it weren't for everyone here, I probably would have written the letter and caused more problems. I appreciate all the input from everyone to keep me on track. So for now, I'll just let things go as they are and get busier with GAL.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861514
08/15/19 05:44 PM
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Rick,

Are you educated about your financial rights in the state you live in, should your W decide to leave?

I might be misreading your post, but it sounds like part of your fear is related to not understanding fully how that scenario would play out. If so, I'd suggest rather than going to your W first, educate yourself on the process so you understand how the various scenarios might play out.

This might mean getting a consult from a L or FA. Many offer free 30-60 minute consults. Obviously if you choose this path I would recommend discretion.


M: 11, T: 15
S7, D5, D3
MC1: 09/2018-01/2019
BD: 06/12/19
MC2: 06/12/19-??
S: 06/29/19-??
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861515
08/15/19 05:52 PM
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Originally Posted by unchien



2x4 - it's time to work on your conflict avoidance. The instinct to write a letter is a maladaptive coping mechanism that is holding back all of your relationships. Writing letters is conflict avoidance. It is not healthy for your MR, or any relationship for that matter.



Unchien, I believe you're right it being conflict avoidance. I never thought of it that way.


Originally Posted by unchien


Let me guess: When you and your W have conflict, in the heat of the moment, she starts talking, and your mind is racing. You are trying to listen to her, and you start to feel overwhelmed and your brain locks up. You start to feel like your truth carries less weight than hers. After the fact you are frustrated and perhaps angry about this. You want to go back and fix it.



This seems to be the way our arguments would go in the past. I do have more to work on with myself than I first thought.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861526
08/15/19 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Rick71
So you think I should give her a letter explaining where things are going for me and selling the house and moving on is our best option? That way she can prepare for herself and find somewhere to go. I say a letter because that way I can lay it all out with out interruption, plus I'm not good with confrontation in person. I always leave things unsaid because I lose my train of thought.


Actions speak volumes more than words. You body language and tone are more important than the words. 80% of what is communicated is through body language and tone. Maintaining eye contact is also important.


The words I gave you need to be said in person. More important, you have to believe them 100%. In reality, you do not need to say them, you need to live them.


Each of these words was picked very carefully, based off of some very wise DBers:
H:"W, I have thought about what you said the other day, and I agree. This is not working for me either. I think it is best that you start looking for a place to live."

After you say these words, you shut up and listen very closely. You remember every word she says. You validate. You remember HER body language.

And finally, this is not a confrontation. This is moving forward out of limbo. This is real communication with W.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861568
08/16/19 01:54 AM
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Thank you LH19, ovrrnbw, unchien, CWarrior and Ready2Change. I need to continue reading over all this and let it sink in. I think I need to take a step back, stop over thinking everything and do a better job at GAL and detaching. I don't think I'm going to do anything just yet about her moving out. I need to get my head straight before making that decision.

And no letter writing...


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861569
08/16/19 02:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Rick71
I need to continue reading over all this and let it sink in.


Read this thread and all the threads linked in the first post:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984


The best thing you can do is arm yourself with information. The hard part is that you then have SO MANY CHOICES on how to respond making it harder to decide.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2861645
08/16/19 04:37 PM
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How about doing an ole switcharoo? The next time she makes her usual visit, she sees you all spruced up wearing a new shirt and smelling good with a different cologne than your usual brand. Within just a few minutes of her arrival, you inform her you are going out and there's probably something to eat in the frig. Don't be sarcastic or cold. In fact, act as if you are excited to be going out. If she asks questions about where you're going, and who you are going with (and she will)..........be vague in your answers. I'm not telling you to lie, I'm suggesting you be a little mysterious and don't give her details.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: sandi2] #2861665
08/16/19 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by sandi2
In fact, act as if you are excited to be going out. If she asks questions about where you're going, and who you are going with (and she will)..........be vague in your answers. I'm not telling you to lie, I'm suggesting you be a little mysterious and don't give her details.


Like this:

H:"W, I am headed out. There is fried chicken in the fridge." Start walking out
W:"Where are you going?"
H:"Meeting some friends" Keep walking.
W:"Who?"
H:"You don't know them"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Ready2Change] #2862232
08/21/19 01:27 PM
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How about an update, Rick?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2862356
08/22/19 02:57 AM
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Hi Sandi, didn't realize it had been 5 days since my last post.

So, this past weekend, she had been home more than she has since before the BD. She still went to her friends house after bowling and drinking on Wednesday but came home after work on Thursday, and was home Friday and Saturday. Still having conversations with her, she usually comes to me to talk as I intentionally avoid the room she's in most times to give her space. What I really enjoy about talking with her now than what is was before is there's a lot more eye contact and engagement in the conversation. Before the BD, our talks also included us with phones in hand and eyes on our phones, although it may have been more me than her not paying enough attention when we would talk.

I'm still working on GAL. Thinking about buying a guitar and taking lessons, always wanted but never did. Went clothes shopping and bought a bunch of new stuff. I had left the bag of new shirts and pants by the laundry hamper and I could tell she was curious as she had looked thru it. I've always worn just jeans and tshirts for just about everything, plus they didn't fit as well as they should. Ended up with several new button up collared shirts and good fitting pants. Felt good shopping for just me.

I've given it no more thought about getting her to reconcile or move out. I realize it's only been 6 weeks since the BD and I need to give things more time.

Not sure if it means anything or not, but I head off to bed before she does and occasionally I'll tell her good night. A few weeks ago her tone sounded kind of reluctant in her reply, but the last few times she's had a softer more caring tone when she responds. I'm sure it doesn't mean anything more than shes just more comfortable with our current situation.

So for now I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing. Probably going to have an evening out with a couple friends for drinks, still working out and running and hopefully learning to play the guitar.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2862547
08/23/19 01:20 PM
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Good to hear from you.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2862560
08/23/19 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Rick71

Thinking about buying a guitar and taking lessons, always wanted but never did. Went clothes shopping and bought a bunch of new stuff.


Music really helps. I do it in my spare time (for me, piano and percussion, plus I write music too). It just takes you to a better place, and you feel a real sense of achievement when learning an instrument and progressing.

New Clothes shopping is a must. It was my birthday recently and I got about £120 in total from family members. I bought new trousers and shirts and cleared out old stuff and gave them to charity. It felt great; you will see it will improve your confidence and you will feel more like "go get em" when you're out in public.

Get that guitar!


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: DaB35] #2862607
08/23/19 07:19 PM
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Getting new clothes felt really good. I had gotten to the point I was wearing mostly jeans and tshirts, and the t's were a size too big because I had gained weight over the years and developed a gut. Larger t's hide it a bit better. But since the BD, I've been eating better and working out. Getting into clothes that fit better has improved my self confidence.

Now I just need to start the guitar lessons.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2862628
08/24/19 02:52 AM
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So, I have a question about my sitch with my W in regards to my children, D22, S18. Does the WW/WAW usually withdraw from the children as well?

My D is in the Navy about 2000 miles away, so we may only see her once a year. Today my D was group texting me and my W about her job and a couple of new pets. My W never responded to any of my D's texts, only I did. I asked my D about it and she told me my wife doesn't respond to many of her texts, she also has trouble getting my W on the phone. My D said it's been like this for almost the past year.

My S leaves for the Airforce basic training in November and my wife hasn't mentioned anything about wanting to spend time with our S before he leaves. She does see him the 2-3 or so days shes home during the week during dinner but that's it. She's been gone every weekend for the past several weeks so she leaves no time to spend with him.

Is this normal for a W in my sitch or could there be something else causing her distance herself from the kids?

Thank you in advance for ant responses.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2862637
08/24/19 11:24 AM
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My W is the same. Pulled away from me and our S2 and continues to put her own needs well above his. She gave up one of her limited days with our S2 just because she wanted to hang out with her "friends" in the city. Likely she's having an affair and everything to do with our family just gets in the way of that life for her.

Priorities are obviously out of whack. Who knows why and better not to even try to figure it out.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2862653
08/24/19 03:09 PM
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I think it's normal. Just tell text your daughter back outside of the group texts b/c it appears that your W does not want to be a part of them.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: ovrrnbw] #2862700
08/25/19 04:12 AM
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I hate that the kids have to put up with this. I'm just glad they're older and can deal with it a little better than younger children can. My W and D used to be so close, there was nothing my D wouldn't share with my W. I know some of their separation is because my D has been out of the house for 2 years and she's usually pretty busy between her job and watch duties as well as new friend and new places to visit. When my D texts both of us, it's usually something she's excited about. I've noticed over the past several months, and I'm sure my D's noticed too, the responses from my W are kind of generic, things like "awesome", "cool" or "wow!" , just single word replies. I think those replies are worse than not replying at all.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2863361
08/29/19 01:47 PM
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So, just a quick update/journaling.

Things going the same as usual. W has been with her friends camping over the weekend since Friday. She's been spending Sunday nights at her friends house for the past 2 weeks now as well. Still seeing her 2-3 days a week. Since the BD 7 weeks ago there still has been no R talk, no arguments, just normal convo's.

Although what I was calling good conversations before were nothing more than her talking/complaining about issues at work and the traffic she deals with. I use it as an opportunity to practice validation/empathy. Tuesday when she was home complaining about work, I was getting a bit annoyed that that's all our convo's amount to. I tried to come up with something else to talk about and realized that without being able to talk about things that spouses/friends might discuss (something about the past, plans for the future, etc.), I couldn't find anything to talk about with her. I guess that's part of this whole thing and another reason in need to get out when shes home.

I've been polite to her but not a good guy, doing everything for her, door mat.

I keep fighting this feeling like I need to say something about the M because by doing and saying nothing she'll take it as I'm ok with the way things are and the distance between us. I know this isn't true, just a feeling I'm not acting on.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2863366
08/29/19 02:59 PM
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We all have here at sonetime or another driven a whole box of nails onto our marital coffins by talking about the M. She has to come to you to discuss it. She has to bring up the topic. She is the one leaving. It sounds counter intuitive because you feel the need, urge, want, to do something, say something, vent emotions and thoughts, etc. Sounds counter intuitive, but you want them to think you are unaffected by it. Keeps them second guessing themselves, and the reasons why they are feeling the way they are feeling. A lot of these situations cone down to these elements. The ability to change, attraction, neediness, confidence, resolve, self work, validation, self worth, and value.

Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2863369
08/29/19 03:05 PM
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By not discussing the M, you are showing her that you have heard her and that you respect her. Fear not, my friend!

Enough about her GAL, what about your GAL? Your 180s?


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2863385
08/29/19 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Rick71
Tuesday when she was home complaining about work, I was getting a bit annoyed that that's all our convo's amount to


You job is to listen to UNDERSTAND how she was FEELING. This is how women connect.


180- Stop being annoyed. Be happy she is sharing with you. Sit there an listen quietly and pay attention. Do not give any advise.

Throw in statements like these every so often:
"Sounds frustrating"
"I bet you were pissed"
"That would make me angry"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2863412
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The empathy is important. I have realised since separation how little I did it - virtually hardly ever. For 8 years.
It's such a crucial thing to stick to.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2863415
08/29/19 07:14 PM
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Originally Posted by "Rick71"
I tried to come up with something else to talk about and realized that without being able to talk about things that spouses/friends might discuss (something about the past, plans for the future, etc.), I couldn't find anything to talk about with her.

Hi Rick,

Another way to look at it, is she still views you as a safe person to share her feelings with. smile

I've been talking a bunch to my partner lately, and not just about the past and future. A month ago we talked about her childhood. This week we talked about her favorite TV shows and books. Yesterday we talked about physical training, her plans for a Halloween costume, a coffee date she had with her girlfriend, and about types of IPAs. So much about her I didn't know! Do you feel you know everything about your lady--or are there things you're curious about learning? Maybe her camping trip would be a good topic!


Last edited by CWarrior; 08/29/19 07:16 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: ovrrnbw] #2863613
08/30/19 11:58 PM
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
By not discussing the M, you are showing her that you have heard her and that you respect her. Fear not, my friend!

Enough about her GAL, what about your GAL? Your 180s?



As far as my GAL, I've been trying to keep up with going to the gym and running, some days it's hard to get the motivation. I try and get out and do things with my son. I think tomorrow, we're going to a Cardinals game. Currently looking for an inexpensive guitar and taking lessons, wanted to do that for a long time. May go for a hike.

As for my 180's, I listen to her and make eye contact when she talks, my focus is on her and what she's saying, without my phone in hand. This is opposite of what we both did before, as we would both be on our phones while trying to maintain the convo. Iv'e stopped doing everything for her as I did before the BD, cleaning, laundry and picking up after her around the house.

The 180's are probably what I've had the most trouble figuring out. Before the BD, the trouble with the marriage was related to intimacy and not spending enough time together, just us. Putting too much focus on the kids. I can't 180 on those yet. The day she told me ILYBINILWY, I did the crying, begging and trying to convince her we can work it out. I found this site the days after so I haven't done any of that since.

I see that a lot of people 180 on their negative actions that cause more problem in what is already a failing sitch. I haven't been pursuing, I haven't called her over the past 8 weeks except to return her call maybe 3 times. I don't text her unless it's something important. I don't follow her around the house or great her at the door when she gets home, I let her come to me. I never ask her where she's been or where she's going. I haven't brought up the M or R.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Ready2Change] #2863615
08/31/19 12:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Rick71
Tuesday when she was home complaining about work, I was getting a bit annoyed that that's all our convo's amount to


You job is to listen to UNDERSTAND how she was FEELING. This is how women connect.


180- Stop being annoyed. Be happy she is sharing with you. Sit there an listen quietly and pay attention. Do not give any advise.

Throw in statements like these every so often:
"Sounds frustrating"
"I bet you were pissed"
"That would make me angry"



The annoyance was only internal, I didn't let her see it. I did continue listening and validating.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: CWarrior] #2863617
08/31/19 12:07 AM
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by "Rick71"
I tried to come up with something else to talk about and realized that without being able to talk about things that spouses/friends might discuss (something about the past, plans for the future, etc.), I couldn't find anything to talk about with her.

Hi Rick,

Another way to look at it, is she still views you as a safe person to share her feelings with. smile

I've been talking a bunch to my partner lately, and not just about the past and future. A month ago we talked about her childhood. This week we talked about her favorite TV shows and books. Yesterday we talked about physical training, her plans for a Halloween costume, a coffee date she had with her girlfriend, and about types of IPAs. So much about her I didn't know! Do you feel you know everything about your lady--or are there things you're curious about learning? Maybe her camping trip would be a good topic!




She usually does tell me about how her camping trips and boating weekends with her friends. I just ask "So how was your weekend?" and she takes it from there. It's nice hearing about something other that her aggravations with work.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2864811
09/10/19 12:21 AM
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I'm still here, just not much had changed so I gave it more time between posts.

Things are pretty much the same. Still the same general conversations about work, she told me about what her and her friends did on the girls boating weekend over Labor Day.

This past week she's been home more. She was still with her friend Wednesday night after bowling but she was home from Thursday thru Sunday, 1st time shes been home all weekend since before the BD.

I'm trying not to see too much in it, could be that all her friends had things going on and had nowhere to go. I also had to be at the the DMV with her on Friday to register her car because of some of the paperwork that was in my name. We also went with my son to an airshow this past weekend where he was able to participate in a public swearing in for the Airforce. She also had a meeting she had to be at Sunday morning.

So her being home was probably more for her convenience than being home with me. I keep watching for small signs of change in her and I've seen nothing yet, just the same friendly conversation.

I did get out of the house to go out with friends Friday night. So it was nice to get out while she was home. She told me have a good time, I was hoping she would seem interested in who I was with and what I was doing when I got home, but she said nothing.

There's still been no M or R talk AT ALL since she BD'd me 9 weeks ago. Sometimes I feel like with my silence about everything, it will make her think I agree with everything she said that day and I'm done with us too. I'm sure that's not the case and I'm trying to ride this out, it's just hard holding back talking it out. I'd be happy to not talk it out, just to listen and validate.

I just wish I could see something change.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2864813
09/10/19 12:45 AM
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R,

Keep thinking marathon not sprint. Things likely won’t change for many months likely years and things usually have to get worse before they get better.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: LH19] #2864822
09/10/19 03:04 AM
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Not sure if I have the stamina for a marathon, but I guess thats my price to pay for the years of neglect and lack of intimacy she went through. It hurts me to think of her feeling even a fraction of what I feel now over those years.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2864841
09/10/19 01:13 PM
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So our 24 year anniversary is coming up on the 23rd this month. Do I acknowledge it at all with even just verbally or just treat it as another day and say nothing unless she does?

My mom also sent us a small inscribed gift. She won't see or talk to my parents since we live across the country. Should I just put it away somewhere so she doesn't see it since it's just another reminder that she's still married to me or just leave it out for her to see it and say nothing of it?


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2864867
09/10/19 04:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Rick71
just treat it as another day and say nothing unless she does?
Do this. You can also get a simple card, and have it "just in case" she gives you one first, but most likely it will just stay hidden and you never give it to her.

Quote
Should I just put it away somewhere so she doesn't see it
YES.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2864886
09/10/19 06:54 PM
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Quote
So her being home was probably more for her convenience than being home with me.
Probably.

But this is where you need to 180. You need to be the one she is worrying about.

Quote
She told me have a good time, I was hoping she would seem interested in who I was with and what I was doing when I got home, but she said nothing.


Doesn't mean she wasn't interested. Give it time, her interest may grow.

Quote
Sometimes I feel like with my silence about everything, it will make her think I agree with everything she said that day and I'm done with us too. I'm sure that's not the case and I'm trying to ride this out, it's just hard holding back talking it out.
That may be a good thing if she wonders that. You also show her that you have heard and understood her.

Quote
Not sure if I have the stamina for a marathon, but I guess thats my price to pay for the years of neglect and lack of intimacy she went through. It hurts me to think of her feeling even a fraction of what I feel now over those years.
Nobody knows how much they really have, or what they are truly made of, until they are put to the test. It's a mental test. Mental pushes are the hardest things you can experience and offer the most room for personal growth and achievement.

I agree with R2C on the anniversary. It [censored] but you can't bring it up IMO.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: ovrrnbw] #2864915
09/10/19 11:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Rick71
just treat it as another day and say nothing unless she does?
Do this. You can also get a simple card, and have it "just in case" she gives you one first, but most likely it will just stay hidden and you never give it to her.

Quote
Should I just put it away somewhere so she doesn't see it
YES.


Thanks R2C, this is what I was thinking, just need another opinion.



Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Quote
So her being home was probably more for her convenience than being home with me.
Probably.

But this is where you need to 180. You need to be the one she is worrying about.


Yea, I need to do a lot better on this with GAL. I downloaded the Meetup app on my phone. I'm going to try it out if I can get the courage to meet up with people I've never met. Its going to take me way out of my comfort zone, which I think I need. Although since I've been working out, dressing a bit better and taking better care of myself, I've noticed my self confidence is higher. Hoping that confidence makes it a bit easier to get out.

There was a thread i was reading the other day, don't remember who's, but one of the posts, the LBS mentioned he had relied on his W for a lot of his happiness. Made me realize I'm a lot the same. Actually until a few years ago, both my W and I would do almost everything together, although she did occasionally get out with friends.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865164
09/12/19 09:33 PM
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There's still been no M or R talk AT ALL since she BD'd me 9 weeks ago. Sometimes I feel like with my silence about everything, it will make her think I agree with everything she said that day and I'm done with us too.


And there you have it, ladies & gentlemen. The fear that pushes this need to talk about the MR.

If you can't find anything to talk about, other than the MR..........then you aren't interesting enough. Make your life more exciting. At least, note worthy.

What if she did think you agreed with everything she said that day and assume you are done, too? SO WHAT? Would you do something differently?

Tell me something. On an average, how much are you gone while she's at the house?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: sandi2] #2865332
09/14/19 09:53 PM
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Originally Posted by sandi2
Quote
There's still been no M or R talk AT ALL since she BD'd me 9 weeks ago. Sometimes I feel like with my silence about everything, it will make her think I agree with everything she said that day and I'm done with us too.


And there you have it, ladies & gentlemen. The fear that pushes this need to talk about the MR.

If you can't find anything to talk about, other than the MR..........then you aren't interesting enough. Make your life more exciting. At least, note worthy.


We do have things to talk about, I think it's the part of me that wants to work on fixing the MR that wants to talk about things. I haven't and don't plan on discussing the MR with her.


Quote

What if she did think you agreed with everything she said that day and assume you are done, too? SO WHAT? Would you do something differently?


No, I realize that this has to run its coarse, where ever that may take me. I need to focus on doing a better job on GAL and taking care of myself.


Quote

Tell me something. On an average, how much are you gone while she's at the house?


Not nearly often enough. Problem I have with getting away is when she's home weeknights, she'll get home around 6:30 in the evening and I'm trying to get to bed by 9-9:30 to get up at 4 AM. This time of the night, I'm exhausted, eating dinner and getting things ready for the next day.

Although now that I see it typed out, it looks like a bunch of excuses and I need to do a better job at getting out when she's home. Just like above, I need to focus on doing a better job on GAL and taking care of myself.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865339
09/14/19 11:04 PM
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I know I was told early on because of the ILYBINILWY and other things to expect an EA/PA. Everything I read on it suggested the same. I was hopeful that maybe by a slight chance my sitch wouldn't follow.

Well.........

Today I'm pretty sure I have confirmation of either a EA, most likely a PA. Written in her writing is the info for her Text Free account for a texting app. Apparently her name is Jennifer Smith (its not). This app also offers calling and she has a phone number for it as well as a gmail account for "Jennifer". Also written on the sticky (twice) is "Matt loves Candy". Matt is the managing director over her department. Matt seemed to always be very helpful with trying to advance my wifes career. He wants to make her a manager, submitted her name for a coarse offered by her job for skills advancement and made sure she was accepted to it and he had just recently moved the manager my wife reported to because she always had complaints about him.

He's been at her job since December 2018. Thinking back, it was probably around February/March that my wife seemed a little more detached from me, not coming to me for hugs, not initiating kissing me and really stopped touching me.

I know that this is just a symptom of the problems in the M and not the cause of it. I haven't said anything to her, she's actually gone, to her "girl friends" since last night. Guessing she won't be home until tomorrow. She doesn't know that I know she has a secret app to contact him thru.

I'm really not sure how to address this. I don't really feel upset about it as even though I was hopeful an EA/PA wasn't the case with my sitch, I had it in the back of my mind for the last several weeks that it could be true. But it was shocking and hurtful to see those words written in ink by my wifes hand.

I'm reluctant to blow up things around the house right now since my son only has about 7 weeks until he goes to basic training and I Don't want him to go with it on his mind.

Please advise me on my next steps.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865351
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So after thinking for a bit, I think I'll say nothing about it since this really changes nothing. I was already told to expect it.

So I think tomorrow when shes home I'm going to go work out and hopefully get a run in or go on a hike if the weather's good to get me out of the house. I've got some running around I can do to to pick up some things I need for projects around the house.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865377
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Worked out at home this morning while W wasn't home. I think I'm going to leave for a few hours and go on a hike. When I look at her right now, I just think about those words she wrote down. Maybe when I get back I'll be in a better frame of mind.

I feel betrayed and angry now that I've uncovered that somethings going on. Thinking back before the BD, I felt uneasy about her and her manager. She seemed to know a bit much of his personal life for a guy that's not in her office 1 to 2 days a week.

So enough about her, going out to do my GAL stuff. I've gotta do my stuff for me. 😁


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865433
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So sorry Rick. It is amazing the percentage of sitchs here have EAs or PAs even when people are sure their sitch is different. I know I was one of them. Someone on here, can’t remember who at the moment, said “Tarzan doesn’t let go of one vine until he has a hold of the other”. It is so true. I think your decision not to say anything is a good one. Keep moving forward with your GAL activities. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865440
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Sorry to read that Rick, but yes it is pretty much expected. Say nothing for now, try not to act differently. Overnight stays are never a good sign.

Let this fuel your detachment and your GAL. Stop being home when she is home. When she is gone, enjoy your home. BTW I'm in your AO so I hope you're soaking up this summer blast we're getting and making the best of it!


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865447
09/16/19 08:25 AM
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R,

Yep you can pretty much set your watch by it.

Don’t confront until you come here and map out a plan. If you confront you need a strong plan in place. There is nothing that makes a man look weaker then if he is willing to share his w with another man.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865461
09/16/19 12:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Rick71
I know I was told early on because of the ILYBINILWY and other things to expect an EA/PA. Everything I read on it suggested the same. I was hopeful that maybe by a slight chance my sitch wouldn't follow.

Well.........

Today I'm pretty sure I have confirmation of either a EA, most likely a PA. Written in her writing is the info for her Text Free account for a texting app. Apparently her name is Jennifer Smith (its not). This app also offers calling and she has a phone number for it as well as a gmail account for "Jennifer". Also written on the sticky (twice) is "Matt loves Candy". Matt is the managing director over her department. Matt seemed to always be very helpful with trying to advance my wifes career. He wants to make her a manager, submitted her name for a coarse offered by her job for skills advancement and made sure she was accepted to it and he had just recently moved the manager my wife reported to because she always had complaints about him.

He's been at her job since December 2018. Thinking back, it was probably around February/March that my wife seemed a little more detached from me, not coming to me for hugs, not initiating kissing me and really stopped touching me.

I know that this is just a symptom of the problems in the M and not the cause of it. I haven't said anything to her, she's actually gone, to her "girl friends" since last night. Guessing she won't be home until tomorrow. She doesn't know that I know she has a secret app to contact him thru.

I'm really not sure how to address this. I don't really feel upset about it as even though I was hopeful an EA/PA wasn't the case with my sitch, I had it in the back of my mind for the last several weeks that it could be true. But it was shocking and hurtful to see those words written in ink by my wifes hand.

I'm reluctant to blow up things around the house right now since my son only has about 7 weeks until he goes to basic training and I Don't want him to go with it on his mind.

Please advise me on my next steps.


My exww cheated with her boss. One of the red flags was him always pushing for her advancement in her career and him always traveling with her even though there was zero reason for him to go anywhere with her.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865462
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Like everyone said. Be a ghost to her. Be indifferent to what she does. I was a ghost once I confirmed PA. We deserve better.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: DejaVu6] #2865532
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
So sorry Rick. It is amazing the percentage of sitchs here have EAs or PAs even when people are sure their sitch is different. I know I was one of them. Someone on here, can’t remember who at the moment, said “Tarzan doesn’t let go of one vine until he has a hold of the other”. It is so true. I think your decision not to say anything is a good one. Keep moving forward with your GAL activities. (((HUGS)))


Dejavu6, I like the Tarzan Reference.



Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Sorry to read that Rick, but yes it is pretty much expected. Say nothing for now, try not to act differently. Overnight stays are never a good sign.

Let this fuel your detachment and your GAL. Stop being home when she is home. When she is gone, enjoy your home. BTW I'm in your AO so I hope you're soaking up this summer blast we're getting and making the best of it!


Yea, I feel more desire to increase my GAL activities and I'm feeling more detached but I still have more work to do on that part.
I could do without the humidity but I'll take all this heat before winter sets in. I did a 2-1/2 mile hike/run on Sunday, the humidity made it rough.



Originally Posted by LH19
R,

Yep you can pretty much set your watch by it.

Don’t confront until you come here and map out a plan. If you confront you need a strong plan in place. There is nothing that makes a man look weaker then if he is willing to share his w with another man.


I don't plan on confronting anytime soon. In the back of mind mind I knew it was a possibility, this just confirmed it, so for now, I'm just going to continue my GAL and detachment.
My son leaves for basic training on November 24th, so any confrontation won't be until after that, if confronting her is the best path. I've got time to set my direction.
I'm taking this time to work on the house and get it ready for sale if it comes to that, although I would prefer not to, I just want to prepare.



Originally Posted by SoTorn

My exww cheated with her boss. One of the red flags was him always pushing for her advancement in her career and him always traveling with her even though there was zero reason for him to go anywhere with her.


Yea, my wife has been to the corporate office a couple times about 2 hours away with an overnight stay. I'm sure he was there with her.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865976
09/20/19 10:52 PM
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So, finding that note with the texting app login W is using to text/call OM has really been a huge speed bump in DBing and GAL. Probably should have let it slide, but I didn't.

In trying to get more info into how long this may have been going on, seems that I had the wrong Matt. It's not her boss but an IT guy from her previous job over 2 years ago, about the same timing as to when my wife stopped having sex with me. She's also been with him recently when shes said she'd be with her friend "Alice", so he's probably been the "Alice" shes been doing things with the past couple years.

I realize following her a finding out where she's actually going is something I shouldn't have done, but the note I found was just eating at me.

Right now, I have no plans on confronting her about the affair as I don't see it getting me anywhere and she'll deny it anyway. I still plan on doing work around the house so it's ready if we need to sell.

But.... I don't feel that us continuing to live together is working out for me anymore finding that the affair has probably been going on a lot longer than I first thought. And I think if there's anyway she'll find her way back to me, we need to be separated for it to happen.

I also may be over thinking this, but before my son had planned to go into the air force, he was going into the army. He would have been the last child to leave the house and we'd be empty nesters. About a month after he decided to not enter the army is when my wife dropped the ILYB bomb and said she couldn't do this anymore. It wouldn't surprise me if she had planned to leave me once he left and him not going ruined her big plan and she BD'd me. So with him set to leave for the air force Nov. 26th, I'm anticipating that may be her new departure date.

Her leaving after the kids are gone is based on what my W told my D a few years ago. I believe it was on the trip W and D took when W told D that she wished I'd take her on more vacations and do more with her and also told her that if we ever got a divorce, it would be after D and S where out of the house.

So in order to not get left with the mortgage and bills I can't pay on my own and be financially destroyed, my thought was to talk with her and tell her,

My first concern is to keep things as they are until S is gone so he doesn't have a lot of negative on his mind while in basic training. That I understand that she's unhappy and done with us and that I won't get in her way of leaving, if that's what will make her happy. It's not what I want but I won't stop her. All that I ask is that we work together to get the house sold.

There'll be a bit more to the convo. than that, but that the basic idea. Not sure if I'd bring up the idea of legal separation or divorce, or just an agreed upon separation. Also don't have a timeline on when(if) I talk to her about this.

Please give me any thoughts on this.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865978
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You don't want her to ruin you financially so my advice is to get a legal separation prepared so that you are protected as much as possible. I don't know your financial situation but in my world I needed to get it done so I could make sure my kid was provided for and to force her to start paying her share of the expenses.

You need to look after yourself.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: jac12] #2865983
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Originally Posted by jac12
You don't want her to ruin you financially so my advice is to get a legal separation prepared so that you are protected as much as possible. I don't know your financial situation but in my world I needed to get it done so I could make sure my kid was provided for and to force her to start paying her share of the expenses.

You need to look after yourself.


That's my fear, that she leaves with no thought or concern of financials. I doubt she'd think of anything other than what she wants.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866011
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Rick hold tight on that convo for now, things are probably still too raw for now.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: ovrrnbw] #2866022
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Rick hold tight on that convo for now, things are probably still too raw for now.


I'm thinking that I'll wait until the day he swears in and heads off to basic. She'll be with me that day and we'll both have the day off. I think that's when I'll talk with her.

So I have time to get my head straight and work on detaching as much as I can. I want to get my thoughts lined out and my wording in place to keep the convo. as calm as possible, she's always been difficult to talk to. In the past (years ago) when I'd try and talk with her about issues, calmly, the first words out of her mouth had tones of anger, that would get me worked up and would turn our convo into an unproductive argument.

I think that's why when things didn't feel right over the past couple years, I didn't know how to approach it without starting a fight. She didn't come to me to talk either and now I'm in the current sitch.

So this is my plan right now, as long as she doesn't bail on us before my S is gone. Also trying to ramp up my GAL activities.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866024
09/21/19 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by “Rick”
In the past (years ago) when I'd try and talk with her about issues, calmly, the first words out of her mouth had tones of anger, that would get me worked up and would turn our convo into an unproductive argument.

Listening to and validating someone who’s upset at us is challenging.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/21/19 03:32 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866093
09/22/19 06:25 PM
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Reposting, not sure why it didn't go thru.


Thinking I may need to talk with my wife before my son leaves for basic training, maybe in a couple weeks. My feelings now the marriage is probably done and I need to prepare myself for the big D, or at least separation.

I don't feel the fear of losing my marriage as much as my fear that she's going to hand me divorce papers and put me in a position to pay for a divorce I can't afford and a bad sitch financially with the house. I don't know if she's talked to a lawyer yet as I can't access any of her email accounts, I just want to assume the worst to prepare for it. I feel that if she's planning on doing anything, she's probably waiting until S is gone to do it since she's done nothing yet.

Things between us while she's home have been good. No arguments, no anger, we get along good and talk about most anything, except MR. (not saying I expect her to or I want to at this point, this is just the overview of out interactions). In my mind, I'm seeing this as her keeping things calm until the S is gone (even though I'm sure she hates faking she wants to be here and not with OM), and then putting her plan in action. (again I'm just trying to view a worst case scenario)

So, with having a talk with her in maybe a couple weeks, I hope to get the ball rolling in a more favorable direction for me and suggesting either a legal separation or uncontested divorce (looking online, was shocked to see contested divorces can cost thousands, even 10’s of thousands)

My idea is to NOT talk MR or reconciliation. Just discuss with that I want to hold off doing anything until S is gone and that when ever she’s ready to work out the details of the div. or sep., that we’ll sit down and discuss the details, and that I understand how she feels and that she’s done with us. I don’t want to stand in her way of her happiness. If she’s still unsure what she’s doing, I’ll give her more time.

I won’t bring up the OM, as I thing that’ll take any talk in a bad direction.

Again, I feel that I need to make the first move so that I don’t get served first. I will be talking with a lawyer soon as well.
.
Doing this in a couple weeks is still open to change, maybe 4 weeks from now, not sure. I just want to address this before she does something. Neither of us can afford a divorce alone, but the OM is an IT manager probably making 6 figures, she wouldn’t have trouble with paying for her share of it if that’s what he wants.

Any comments from the above are greatly appreciated.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866119
09/23/19 03:11 AM
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So my W continues to remind me why I want to get the ball rolling on either a separation or divorce. Just when I was thinking maybe I was jumping the gun on talking in a couple weeks, she's at the OM house for the 4th night in a row. She always tells me one of 3 friends names, but she's with him.

She's been with him a lot since the BD. In the past 2- 2 1/2 years, shes done a lot with "Jennifer", "Brooke" or "Alice". These are the only friends I know of that aren't on her facebook and I've never seen pictures of any of them. Which is odd considering all the boating and camping weekends they've done together, would have thought there'd be pictures and facebook postings of all their fun.

I know I shouldn't have looked (snooped) into things and just DB'ed, but it was done to protect myself since she's been gone a lot. Seems the OM was married as of possible last year. Looking at tax records on the house, his wife was removed from ownership August of last year. I believe my W has been seeing him over 2 years so this affair may be what ended their marriage and now mine may be on the brink. Wouldn't surprise me if he's pushing for something to happen, because when she BDed me and her phrase "I can't do this anymore" leads me to believe she couldn't handle faking our marriage and that when my son backed out of the army, it was going to prolong her plans.

So this is my reasoning for wanting to move towards a separation or an uncontested divorce before she does since we have no minor children and it's only our financials and all the stuff we own that needs divided. It doesn't mean I'm giving up on her, recon can still happen but I don't think it'll happen while she's here.

But I won't wait forever.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866133
09/23/19 10:32 AM
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R,

If you think waiting on your son is better for him I think you should just wait it out. You know now so stop snooping. Start to prepare on how you want to live the rest of your life moving forward.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866148
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Yep, no more snooping, already know all I need. As far as my son, I'm still thinking of talking to her on a couple weeks and then breaking the news to him about what we decided. He'll have about 6 weeks to process it and I'll be here for him to answer any questions. Other wise he'd find out after basic training and I doubt that would be any better.

I don't plan on bringing up OM when we talk divorce or separation, but not knowing what her plans are, if she tells me she needs more time living at home to think things over (continuing the current living sitch), should I bring OM then and let her know this can't continue (her cake-eating)?

What's the best way to handle the OM issue?


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866149
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R,

Well legally it is her house so she entitled to live there until she’s off the deed.

As for the talk I’m not sure what you are trying to accomplish with the talk? Can you explain?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: LH19] #2866153
09/23/19 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
R,

Well legally it is her house so she entitled to live there until she’s off the deed.

As for the talk I’m not sure what you are trying to accomplish with the talk? Can you explain?


I feel I'm ready to be done with all this as it looks like this is a long term affair, maybe 2+ years. I feel that she's looking to be gone once the S is out of the house, since shes BD'd once my S said he wasn't going into the army (now he's going air force in November) and I believe that stop her plan to leave in July ( my daughter told me that about 3 years ago, W said if we divorced, it would be once they were both out of the house.)

So if she's really done with us, I'm ready for divorce.

My question is that if she's against divorce and wants to continue things how they are, living here a few days a week and with the the rest, do I let her know then that I know of him and this can't continue? ( I'm not trying to kick her out of the home we both own).


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866155
09/23/19 02:57 PM
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I’m in a similar situation.
As hard and as scary as it is, you need to tell her you won’t live like this anymore. I would do this ASAP, depending on when your son leaves. Why should she get to come home whenever she wants, get what she wants and needs from you her home, then take off with the OM whenever she wants?!
It will either be a wake up call for her or it will allow you to move forward without her. Either way is better than sharing her with another man.

Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Choco44] #2866157
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Originally Posted by Choco44

It will either be a wake up call for her or it will allow you to move forward without her. Either way is better than sharing her with another man.


Kinda how I feel. But, if it's a wakeup call and says she wants to work on the marriage, I then I have to figure out how to trust her again. My fear with that is I've read several sitch's on here when there's reconciliation and years down the road it happens again. I don't think I could take all this pain again.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866158
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Well Ricky you can’t force her to stop seeing him. All you can do is let her know you know what’s going on. Let her know that you won’t live in an open marriage. If she chooses not to end it then you file for divorce. Just so you know the entire process usually takes a year or so.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: LH19] #2866161
09/23/19 03:40 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Well Ricky you can’t force her to stop seeing him. All you can do is let her know you know what’s going on. Let her know that you won’t live in an open marriage. If she chooses not to end it then you file for divorce. Just so you know the entire process usually takes a year or so.


I'm hoping she won't be a witch about it and we can do an uncontested divorce. It'll get her to her OM sooner. I don't have the funds for a full on contested d. Uncontested is a flat fee of $650-850 and can be complete in around 30-45 days.

House gets sold, equity split, no minor kids, each have separate bills. She can have what ever she wants out of the house, I have no attachment to any of it.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866288
09/24/19 02:58 PM
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Quote
Just discuss with that I want to hold off doing anything until S is gone

I'd leave this out. She's going to take it the wrong way.

Quote

I won’t bring up the OM, as I thing that’ll take any talk in a bad direction.

If you're going to bring up separation/divorce, I'd state it point blank. "I'm divorcing you because you are a cheater and have been involved with Mr. OM for some time. I didn't think you had betrayal in you but I was wrong". Hand her papers, turn and walk away. Focus on getting through this. This would be a strong approach.

I think this is a great opportunity for you to take the initiative in your situation. I think it puts your W on her heels. She may not care too much. She may hurt a little, but be relieved. Who knows, who cares?

Your son will be able to handle this. I was 16 when my parents broke the news to us. I was very upset. But I had the best summer of my life that year because I was 16 and had good friends and this whole amazing world to explore.

Quote
( my daughter told me that about 3 years ago, W said if we divorced, it would be once they were both out of the house.)

I imagine if your W said that to your daughter 3 years ago, she already had OM in the works for some time.

I don't have a good feeling about this Rick, which is why I advise you to take the approach that keeps your respect and shows you are strong enough to get through anything.

Anyways, more awesome weather, hope you are getting out before the days get too short.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866366
09/25/19 01:14 AM
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Ovrrnbw, thanks for all the input. I'm not concrete on how I want to handle it right now, just trying g to come clear with all my options so I have a clear path to follow when the time's right.
With bringing up the her infidelity with OM, I believe you're right that it needs to be raised if/when it gets to divorce/separation.

And yes, weathers been beautiful, just using it to complete some outdoor projects before it gets cold.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866706
09/28/19 10:00 PM
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So, I'm still considering going with the separation/divorce route, I just don't want to do it until i'm absolutely sure that's the way I want to go as once it goes there, there's no coming back.

Whats stopping me is that I've been told as well as read on other sitch's that these things need time to play them selves out (W's EA/PA). I confirmed the OM about 2 weeks ago( she doesn't know I know). The bomb was dropped on me almost 3 months ago, and with her cutting off sex about 2-1/2 years ago(always had some physical/illness excuse) and that being about the same time she was laid off from the job that the OM works at. I believe this affair has been going on for a long time.

How much more time should I allow for this to play out? I feel that if its been going on this long, it may be more than just an affair. I believe the 4 night a week that she said she was staying with a friend, its been with him and its been like that since the BD. I believe thew only reason she's still at home is because my son doesn't leave until November.

I know that whether I bring up divorce/separation now or she does after my S is gone, it takes us to the same end.

Could it work out better if I initiate it before she does?

Any help is appreciated.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866708
09/28/19 10:12 PM
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Originally Posted by "Rick71"
So, I'm still considering going with the separation/divorce route, I just don't want to do it until i'm absolutely sure that's the way I want to go as once it goes there, there's no coming back.

Rick, I don't buy this. I had 'ways back' for 3yrs after I divorced my ex-wife. Unless you mean you'd consider her if she changed now, but you wouldn't consider her if she changed after you filed for divorce.

Originally Posted by "Rick71"
Could it work out better if I initiate it before she does?

It certainly sounds like an easier story to live with. "I discovered she was cheating, and she found out when I served her with divorce papers and said 'I won't be married to someone who sleeps with others on the side.'" vs "I discovered she was in an affair. I could accept that, but when my son left, she left."

Originally Posted by "Rick71"
Uncontested is a flat fee of $650-850 and can be complete in around 30-45 days.

Lucky bloke. You must not live in America.


Last edited by CWarrior; 09/28/19 10:14 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866710
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It’s highly unlikely if you initiate D that it changes anything. If your hunch is true and the A has been going on for that long she will likely D you when son leaves. I would let her do all the dirty work and just start planning a life for post D.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866715
09/29/19 12:11 AM
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by "Rick71"
So, I'm still considering going with the separation/divorce route, I just don't want to do it until i'm absolutely sure that's the way I want to go as once it goes there, there's no coming back.

Rick, I don't buy this. I had 'ways back' for 3yrs after I divorced my ex-wife. Unless you mean you'd consider her if she changed now, but you wouldn't consider her if she changed after you filed for divorce.


CW, by "no coming back", what I meant by it is I can't threaten divorce without going thru. That would make me look weak. I want to be sure that's the path I want to take.
As far as considering getting back with W before or after a divorce, I wouldn't shut the door on it either way, I just feel like I don't want to live with her in my life while she's with the other man.


Originally Posted by LH19
R,

It’s highly unlikely if you initiate D that it changes anything. If your hunch is true and the A has been going on for that long she will likely D you when son leaves. I would let her do all the dirty work and just start planning a life for post D.


I'm not looking at filing D to make any changes in her. If she decided to work on the marriage after talking D, I wouldn't believe anything she said related to recon, it would only be to buy her more time to get her plans in place.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2866741
09/29/19 12:13 PM
09/29/19 12:13 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,481
Southern Maryland
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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,481
Southern Maryland
Please start a new thread and link your threads together.

Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2867004
10/01/19 10:40 PM
10/01/19 10:40 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
R
Rick71 Offline OP
Member
Rick71  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
New thread
Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY #2
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2867003&#Post2867003


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
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