CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865339
09/14/19 11:04 PM
09/14/19 11:04 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
R
Rick71 Offline OP
Member
Rick71  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
I know I was told early on because of the ILYBINILWY and other things to expect an EA/PA. Everything I read on it suggested the same. I was hopeful that maybe by a slight chance my sitch wouldn't follow.

Well.........

Today I'm pretty sure I have confirmation of either a EA, most likely a PA. Written in her writing is the info for her Text Free account for a texting app. Apparently her name is Jennifer Smith (its not). This app also offers calling and she has a phone number for it as well as a gmail account for "Jennifer". Also written on the sticky (twice) is "Matt loves Candy". Matt is the managing director over her department. Matt seemed to always be very helpful with trying to advance my wifes career. He wants to make her a manager, submitted her name for a coarse offered by her job for skills advancement and made sure she was accepted to it and he had just recently moved the manager my wife reported to because she always had complaints about him.

He's been at her job since December 2018. Thinking back, it was probably around February/March that my wife seemed a little more detached from me, not coming to me for hugs, not initiating kissing me and really stopped touching me.

I know that this is just a symptom of the problems in the M and not the cause of it. I haven't said anything to her, she's actually gone, to her "girl friends" since last night. Guessing she won't be home until tomorrow. She doesn't know that I know she has a secret app to contact him thru.

I'm really not sure how to address this. I don't really feel upset about it as even though I was hopeful an EA/PA wasn't the case with my sitch, I had it in the back of my mind for the last several weeks that it could be true. But it was shocking and hurtful to see those words written in ink by my wifes hand.

I'm reluctant to blow up things around the house right now since my son only has about 7 weeks until he goes to basic training and I Don't want him to go with it on his mind.

Please advise me on my next steps.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865351
09/15/19 04:44 AM
09/15/19 04:44 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
R
Rick71 Offline OP
Member
Rick71  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
So after thinking for a bit, I think I'll say nothing about it since this really changes nothing. I was already told to expect it.

So I think tomorrow when shes home I'm going to go work out and hopefully get a run in or go on a hike if the weather's good to get me out of the house. I've got some running around I can do to to pick up some things I need for projects around the house.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865377
09/15/19 05:32 PM
09/15/19 05:32 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
R
Rick71 Offline OP
Member
Rick71  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
Worked out at home this morning while W wasn't home. I think I'm going to leave for a few hours and go on a hike. When I look at her right now, I just think about those words she wrote down. Maybe when I get back I'll be in a better frame of mind.

I feel betrayed and angry now that I've uncovered that somethings going on. Thinking back before the BD, I felt uneasy about her and her manager. She seemed to know a bit much of his personal life for a guy that's not in her office 1 to 2 days a week.

So enough about her, going out to do my GAL stuff. I've gotta do my stuff for me. 😁


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865433
09/16/19 03:30 AM
09/16/19 03:30 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,215
D
DejaVu6 Offline
Member
DejaVu6  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,215
So sorry Rick. It is amazing the percentage of sitchs here have EAs or PAs even when people are sure their sitch is different. I know I was one of them. Someone on here, can’t remember who at the moment, said “Tarzan doesn’t let go of one vine until he has a hold of the other”. It is so true. I think your decision not to say anything is a good one. Keep moving forward with your GAL activities. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865440
09/16/19 05:32 AM
09/16/19 05:32 AM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 1,979
Missouruh
O
ovrrnbw Offline
Member
ovrrnbw  Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 1,979
Missouruh
Sorry to read that Rick, but yes it is pretty much expected. Say nothing for now, try not to act differently. Overnight stays are never a good sign.

Let this fuel your detachment and your GAL. Stop being home when she is home. When she is gone, enjoy your home. BTW I'm in your AO so I hope you're soaking up this summer blast we're getting and making the best of it!


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865447
09/16/19 08:25 AM
09/16/19 08:25 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,032
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,032
R,

Yep you can pretty much set your watch by it.

Don’t confront until you come here and map out a plan. If you confront you need a strong plan in place. There is nothing that makes a man look weaker then if he is willing to share his w with another man.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865461
09/16/19 12:27 PM
09/16/19 12:27 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 767
S
SoTorn Offline
Member
SoTorn  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 767
Originally Posted by Rick71
I know I was told early on because of the ILYBINILWY and other things to expect an EA/PA. Everything I read on it suggested the same. I was hopeful that maybe by a slight chance my sitch wouldn't follow.

Well.........

Today I'm pretty sure I have confirmation of either a EA, most likely a PA. Written in her writing is the info for her Text Free account for a texting app. Apparently her name is Jennifer Smith (its not). This app also offers calling and she has a phone number for it as well as a gmail account for "Jennifer". Also written on the sticky (twice) is "Matt loves Candy". Matt is the managing director over her department. Matt seemed to always be very helpful with trying to advance my wifes career. He wants to make her a manager, submitted her name for a coarse offered by her job for skills advancement and made sure she was accepted to it and he had just recently moved the manager my wife reported to because she always had complaints about him.

He's been at her job since December 2018. Thinking back, it was probably around February/March that my wife seemed a little more detached from me, not coming to me for hugs, not initiating kissing me and really stopped touching me.

I know that this is just a symptom of the problems in the M and not the cause of it. I haven't said anything to her, she's actually gone, to her "girl friends" since last night. Guessing she won't be home until tomorrow. She doesn't know that I know she has a secret app to contact him thru.

I'm really not sure how to address this. I don't really feel upset about it as even though I was hopeful an EA/PA wasn't the case with my sitch, I had it in the back of my mind for the last several weeks that it could be true. But it was shocking and hurtful to see those words written in ink by my wifes hand.

I'm reluctant to blow up things around the house right now since my son only has about 7 weeks until he goes to basic training and I Don't want him to go with it on his mind.

Please advise me on my next steps.


My exww cheated with her boss. One of the red flags was him always pushing for her advancement in her career and him always traveling with her even though there was zero reason for him to go anywhere with her.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865462
09/16/19 12:30 PM
09/16/19 12:30 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 767
S
SoTorn Offline
Member
SoTorn  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 767
Like everyone said. Be a ghost to her. Be indifferent to what she does. I was a ghost once I confirmed PA. We deserve better.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: DejaVu6] #2865532
09/16/19 11:40 PM
09/16/19 11:40 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
R
Rick71 Offline OP
Member
Rick71  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
So sorry Rick. It is amazing the percentage of sitchs here have EAs or PAs even when people are sure their sitch is different. I know I was one of them. Someone on here, can’t remember who at the moment, said “Tarzan doesn’t let go of one vine until he has a hold of the other”. It is so true. I think your decision not to say anything is a good one. Keep moving forward with your GAL activities. (((HUGS)))


Dejavu6, I like the Tarzan Reference.



Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Sorry to read that Rick, but yes it is pretty much expected. Say nothing for now, try not to act differently. Overnight stays are never a good sign.

Let this fuel your detachment and your GAL. Stop being home when she is home. When she is gone, enjoy your home. BTW I'm in your AO so I hope you're soaking up this summer blast we're getting and making the best of it!


Yea, I feel more desire to increase my GAL activities and I'm feeling more detached but I still have more work to do on that part.
I could do without the humidity but I'll take all this heat before winter sets in. I did a 2-1/2 mile hike/run on Sunday, the humidity made it rough.



Originally Posted by LH19
R,

Yep you can pretty much set your watch by it.

Don’t confront until you come here and map out a plan. If you confront you need a strong plan in place. There is nothing that makes a man look weaker then if he is willing to share his w with another man.


I don't plan on confronting anytime soon. In the back of mind mind I knew it was a possibility, this just confirmed it, so for now, I'm just going to continue my GAL and detachment.
My son leaves for basic training on November 24th, so any confrontation won't be until after that, if confronting her is the best path. I've got time to set my direction.
I'm taking this time to work on the house and get it ready for sale if it comes to that, although I would prefer not to, I just want to prepare.



Originally Posted by SoTorn

My exww cheated with her boss. One of the red flags was him always pushing for her advancement in her career and him always traveling with her even though there was zero reason for him to go anywhere with her.


Yea, my wife has been to the corporate office a couple times about 2 hours away with an overnight stay. I'm sure he was there with her.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865976
09/20/19 10:52 PM
09/20/19 10:52 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
R
Rick71 Offline OP
Member
Rick71  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
So, finding that note with the texting app login W is using to text/call OM has really been a huge speed bump in DBing and GAL. Probably should have let it slide, but I didn't.

In trying to get more info into how long this may have been going on, seems that I had the wrong Matt. It's not her boss but an IT guy from her previous job over 2 years ago, about the same timing as to when my wife stopped having sex with me. She's also been with him recently when shes said she'd be with her friend "Alice", so he's probably been the "Alice" shes been doing things with the past couple years.

I realize following her a finding out where she's actually going is something I shouldn't have done, but the note I found was just eating at me.

Right now, I have no plans on confronting her about the affair as I don't see it getting me anywhere and she'll deny it anyway. I still plan on doing work around the house so it's ready if we need to sell.

But.... I don't feel that us continuing to live together is working out for me anymore finding that the affair has probably been going on a lot longer than I first thought. And I think if there's anyway she'll find her way back to me, we need to be separated for it to happen.

I also may be over thinking this, but before my son had planned to go into the air force, he was going into the army. He would have been the last child to leave the house and we'd be empty nesters. About a month after he decided to not enter the army is when my wife dropped the ILYB bomb and said she couldn't do this anymore. It wouldn't surprise me if she had planned to leave me once he left and him not going ruined her big plan and she BD'd me. So with him set to leave for the air force Nov. 26th, I'm anticipating that may be her new departure date.

Her leaving after the kids are gone is based on what my W told my D a few years ago. I believe it was on the trip W and D took when W told D that she wished I'd take her on more vacations and do more with her and also told her that if we ever got a divorce, it would be after D and S where out of the house.

So in order to not get left with the mortgage and bills I can't pay on my own and be financially destroyed, my thought was to talk with her and tell her,

My first concern is to keep things as they are until S is gone so he doesn't have a lot of negative on his mind while in basic training. That I understand that she's unhappy and done with us and that I won't get in her way of leaving, if that's what will make her happy. It's not what I want but I won't stop her. All that I ask is that we work together to get the house sold.

There'll be a bit more to the convo. than that, but that the basic idea. Not sure if I'd bring up the idea of legal separation or divorce, or just an agreed upon separation. Also don't have a timeline on when(if) I talk to her about this.

Please give me any thoughts on this.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004