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A Message from Michele
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Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: CWarrior] #2863617
08/31/19 12:07 AM
08/31/19 12:07 AM
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Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Rick71  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by "Rick71"
I tried to come up with something else to talk about and realized that without being able to talk about things that spouses/friends might discuss (something about the past, plans for the future, etc.), I couldn't find anything to talk about with her.

Hi Rick,

Another way to look at it, is she still views you as a safe person to share her feelings with. smile

I've been talking a bunch to my partner lately, and not just about the past and future. A month ago we talked about her childhood. This week we talked about her favorite TV shows and books. Yesterday we talked about physical training, her plans for a Halloween costume, a coffee date she had with her girlfriend, and about types of IPAs. So much about her I didn't know! Do you feel you know everything about your lady--or are there things you're curious about learning? Maybe her camping trip would be a good topic!




She usually does tell me about how her camping trips and boating weekends with her friends. I just ask "So how was your weekend?" and she takes it from there. It's nice hearing about something other that her aggravations with work.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2864811
09/10/19 12:21 AM
09/10/19 12:21 AM
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Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Rick71  Offline OP
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I'm still here, just not much had changed so I gave it more time between posts.

Things are pretty much the same. Still the same general conversations about work, she told me about what her and her friends did on the girls boating weekend over Labor Day.

This past week she's been home more. She was still with her friend Wednesday night after bowling but she was home from Thursday thru Sunday, 1st time shes been home all weekend since before the BD.

I'm trying not to see too much in it, could be that all her friends had things going on and had nowhere to go. I also had to be at the the DMV with her on Friday to register her car because of some of the paperwork that was in my name. We also went with my son to an airshow this past weekend where he was able to participate in a public swearing in for the Airforce. She also had a meeting she had to be at Sunday morning.

So her being home was probably more for her convenience than being home with me. I keep watching for small signs of change in her and I've seen nothing yet, just the same friendly conversation.

I did get out of the house to go out with friends Friday night. So it was nice to get out while she was home. She told me have a good time, I was hoping she would seem interested in who I was with and what I was doing when I got home, but she said nothing.

There's still been no M or R talk AT ALL since she BD'd me 9 weeks ago. Sometimes I feel like with my silence about everything, it will make her think I agree with everything she said that day and I'm done with us too. I'm sure that's not the case and I'm trying to ride this out, it's just hard holding back talking it out. I'd be happy to not talk it out, just to listen and validate.

I just wish I could see something change.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2864813
09/10/19 12:45 AM
09/10/19 12:45 AM
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LH19 Offline
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R,

Keep thinking marathon not sprint. Things likely won’t change for many months likely years and things usually have to get worse before they get better.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: LH19] #2864822
09/10/19 03:04 AM
09/10/19 03:04 AM
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Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Not sure if I have the stamina for a marathon, but I guess thats my price to pay for the years of neglect and lack of intimacy she went through. It hurts me to think of her feeling even a fraction of what I feel now over those years.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2864841
09/10/19 01:13 PM
09/10/19 01:13 PM
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Rick71 Offline OP
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So our 24 year anniversary is coming up on the 23rd this month. Do I acknowledge it at all with even just verbally or just treat it as another day and say nothing unless she does?

My mom also sent us a small inscribed gift. She won't see or talk to my parents since we live across the country. Should I just put it away somewhere so she doesn't see it since it's just another reminder that she's still married to me or just leave it out for her to see it and say nothing of it?


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2864867
09/10/19 04:34 PM
09/10/19 04:34 PM
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Ready2Change Offline
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Originally Posted by Rick71
just treat it as another day and say nothing unless she does?
Do this. You can also get a simple card, and have it "just in case" she gives you one first, but most likely it will just stay hidden and you never give it to her.

Quote
Should I just put it away somewhere so she doesn't see it
YES.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2864886
09/10/19 06:54 PM
09/10/19 06:54 PM
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Posts: 1,970
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Quote
So her being home was probably more for her convenience than being home with me.
Probably.

But this is where you need to 180. You need to be the one she is worrying about.

Quote
She told me have a good time, I was hoping she would seem interested in who I was with and what I was doing when I got home, but she said nothing.


Doesn't mean she wasn't interested. Give it time, her interest may grow.

Quote
Sometimes I feel like with my silence about everything, it will make her think I agree with everything she said that day and I'm done with us too. I'm sure that's not the case and I'm trying to ride this out, it's just hard holding back talking it out.
That may be a good thing if she wonders that. You also show her that you have heard and understood her.

Quote
Not sure if I have the stamina for a marathon, but I guess thats my price to pay for the years of neglect and lack of intimacy she went through. It hurts me to think of her feeling even a fraction of what I feel now over those years.
Nobody knows how much they really have, or what they are truly made of, until they are put to the test. It's a mental test. Mental pushes are the hardest things you can experience and offer the most room for personal growth and achievement.

I agree with R2C on the anniversary. It [censored] but you can't bring it up IMO.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: ovrrnbw] #2864915
09/10/19 11:44 PM
09/10/19 11:44 PM
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Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Rick71
just treat it as another day and say nothing unless she does?
Do this. You can also get a simple card, and have it "just in case" she gives you one first, but most likely it will just stay hidden and you never give it to her.

Quote
Should I just put it away somewhere so she doesn't see it
YES.


Thanks R2C, this is what I was thinking, just need another opinion.



Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Quote
So her being home was probably more for her convenience than being home with me.
Probably.

But this is where you need to 180. You need to be the one she is worrying about.


Yea, I need to do a lot better on this with GAL. I downloaded the Meetup app on my phone. I'm going to try it out if I can get the courage to meet up with people I've never met. Its going to take me way out of my comfort zone, which I think I need. Although since I've been working out, dressing a bit better and taking better care of myself, I've noticed my self confidence is higher. Hoping that confidence makes it a bit easier to get out.

There was a thread i was reading the other day, don't remember who's, but one of the posts, the LBS mentioned he had relied on his W for a lot of his happiness. Made me realize I'm a lot the same. Actually until a few years ago, both my W and I would do almost everything together, although she did occasionally get out with friends.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2865164
09/12/19 09:33 PM
09/12/19 09:33 PM
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sandi2 Offline
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There's still been no M or R talk AT ALL since she BD'd me 9 weeks ago. Sometimes I feel like with my silence about everything, it will make her think I agree with everything she said that day and I'm done with us too.


And there you have it, ladies & gentlemen. The fear that pushes this need to talk about the MR.

If you can't find anything to talk about, other than the MR..........then you aren't interesting enough. Make your life more exciting. At least, note worthy.

What if she did think you agreed with everything she said that day and assume you are done, too? SO WHAT? Would you do something differently?

Tell me something. On an average, how much are you gone while she's at the house?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: sandi2] #2865332
09/14/19 09:53 PM
09/14/19 09:53 PM
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Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by sandi2
Quote
There's still been no M or R talk AT ALL since she BD'd me 9 weeks ago. Sometimes I feel like with my silence about everything, it will make her think I agree with everything she said that day and I'm done with us too.


And there you have it, ladies & gentlemen. The fear that pushes this need to talk about the MR.

If you can't find anything to talk about, other than the MR..........then you aren't interesting enough. Make your life more exciting. At least, note worthy.


We do have things to talk about, I think it's the part of me that wants to work on fixing the MR that wants to talk about things. I haven't and don't plan on discussing the MR with her.


Quote

What if she did think you agreed with everything she said that day and assume you are done, too? SO WHAT? Would you do something differently?


No, I realize that this has to run its coarse, where ever that may take me. I need to focus on doing a better job on GAL and taking care of myself.


Quote

Tell me something. On an average, how much are you gone while she's at the house?


Not nearly often enough. Problem I have with getting away is when she's home weeknights, she'll get home around 6:30 in the evening and I'm trying to get to bed by 9-9:30 to get up at 4 AM. This time of the night, I'm exhausted, eating dinner and getting things ready for the next day.

Although now that I see it typed out, it looks like a bunch of excuses and I need to do a better job at getting out when she's home. Just like above, I need to focus on doing a better job on GAL and taking care of myself.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
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