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A Message from Michele
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Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2862653
08/24/19 03:09 PM
08/24/19 03:09 PM
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Posts: 1,964
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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ovrrnbw  Offline
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Missouruh
I think it's normal. Just tell text your daughter back outside of the group texts b/c it appears that your W does not want to be a part of them.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: ovrrnbw] #2862700
08/25/19 04:12 AM
08/25/19 04:12 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Rick71  Offline OP
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I hate that the kids have to put up with this. I'm just glad they're older and can deal with it a little better than younger children can. My W and D used to be so close, there was nothing my D wouldn't share with my W. I know some of their separation is because my D has been out of the house for 2 years and she's usually pretty busy between her job and watch duties as well as new friend and new places to visit. When my D texts both of us, it's usually something she's excited about. I've noticed over the past several months, and I'm sure my D's noticed too, the responses from my W are kind of generic, things like "awesome", "cool" or "wow!" , just single word replies. I think those replies are worse than not replying at all.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2863361
08/29/19 01:47 PM
08/29/19 01:47 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Rick71  Offline OP
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St Louis, MO
So, just a quick update/journaling.

Things going the same as usual. W has been with her friends camping over the weekend since Friday. She's been spending Sunday nights at her friends house for the past 2 weeks now as well. Still seeing her 2-3 days a week. Since the BD 7 weeks ago there still has been no R talk, no arguments, just normal convo's.

Although what I was calling good conversations before were nothing more than her talking/complaining about issues at work and the traffic she deals with. I use it as an opportunity to practice validation/empathy. Tuesday when she was home complaining about work, I was getting a bit annoyed that that's all our convo's amount to. I tried to come up with something else to talk about and realized that without being able to talk about things that spouses/friends might discuss (something about the past, plans for the future, etc.), I couldn't find anything to talk about with her. I guess that's part of this whole thing and another reason in need to get out when shes home.

I've been polite to her but not a good guy, doing everything for her, door mat.

I keep fighting this feeling like I need to say something about the M because by doing and saying nothing she'll take it as I'm ok with the way things are and the distance between us. I know this isn't true, just a feeling I'm not acting on.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2863366
08/29/19 02:59 PM
08/29/19 02:59 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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We all have here at sonetime or another driven a whole box of nails onto our marital coffins by talking about the M. She has to come to you to discuss it. She has to bring up the topic. She is the one leaving. It sounds counter intuitive because you feel the need, urge, want, to do something, say something, vent emotions and thoughts, etc. Sounds counter intuitive, but you want them to think you are unaffected by it. Keeps them second guessing themselves, and the reasons why they are feeling the way they are feeling. A lot of these situations cone down to these elements. The ability to change, attraction, neediness, confidence, resolve, self work, validation, self worth, and value.

Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2863369
08/29/19 03:05 PM
08/29/19 03:05 PM
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Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Missouruh
By not discussing the M, you are showing her that you have heard her and that you respect her. Fear not, my friend!

Enough about her GAL, what about your GAL? Your 180s?


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2863385
08/29/19 03:48 PM
08/29/19 03:48 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,458
Colorado
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Originally Posted by Rick71
Tuesday when she was home complaining about work, I was getting a bit annoyed that that's all our convo's amount to


You job is to listen to UNDERSTAND how she was FEELING. This is how women connect.


180- Stop being annoyed. Be happy she is sharing with you. Sit there an listen quietly and pay attention. Do not give any advise.

Throw in statements like these every so often:
"Sounds frustrating"
"I bet you were pissed"
"That would make me angry"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2863412
08/29/19 06:45 PM
08/29/19 06:45 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 233
United Kingdom
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DaB35 Offline
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The empathy is important. I have realised since separation how little I did it - virtually hardly ever. For 8 years.
It's such a crucial thing to stick to.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2863415
08/29/19 07:14 PM
08/29/19 07:14 PM
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Posts: 644
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CWarrior Online
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Originally Posted by "Rick71"
I tried to come up with something else to talk about and realized that without being able to talk about things that spouses/friends might discuss (something about the past, plans for the future, etc.), I couldn't find anything to talk about with her.

Hi Rick,

Another way to look at it, is she still views you as a safe person to share her feelings with. smile

I've been talking a bunch to my partner lately, and not just about the past and future. A month ago we talked about her childhood. This week we talked about her favorite TV shows and books. Yesterday we talked about physical training, her plans for a Halloween costume, a coffee date she had with her girlfriend, and about types of IPAs. So much about her I didn't know! Do you feel you know everything about your lady--or are there things you're curious about learning? Maybe her camping trip would be a good topic!


Last edited by CWarrior; 08/29/19 07:16 PM.

My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: ovrrnbw] #2863613
08/30/19 11:58 PM
08/30/19 11:58 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Rick71  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
By not discussing the M, you are showing her that you have heard her and that you respect her. Fear not, my friend!

Enough about her GAL, what about your GAL? Your 180s?



As far as my GAL, I've been trying to keep up with going to the gym and running, some days it's hard to get the motivation. I try and get out and do things with my son. I think tomorrow, we're going to a Cardinals game. Currently looking for an inexpensive guitar and taking lessons, wanted to do that for a long time. May go for a hike.

As for my 180's, I listen to her and make eye contact when she talks, my focus is on her and what she's saying, without my phone in hand. This is opposite of what we both did before, as we would both be on our phones while trying to maintain the convo. Iv'e stopped doing everything for her as I did before the BD, cleaning, laundry and picking up after her around the house.

The 180's are probably what I've had the most trouble figuring out. Before the BD, the trouble with the marriage was related to intimacy and not spending enough time together, just us. Putting too much focus on the kids. I can't 180 on those yet. The day she told me ILYBINILWY, I did the crying, begging and trying to convince her we can work it out. I found this site the days after so I haven't done any of that since.

I see that a lot of people 180 on their negative actions that cause more problem in what is already a failing sitch. I haven't been pursuing, I haven't called her over the past 8 weeks except to return her call maybe 3 times. I don't text her unless it's something important. I don't follow her around the house or great her at the door when she gets home, I let her come to me. I never ask her where she's been or where she's going. I haven't brought up the M or R.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Ready2Change] #2863615
08/31/19 12:00 AM
08/31/19 12:00 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Rick71  Offline OP
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Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Rick71
Tuesday when she was home complaining about work, I was getting a bit annoyed that that's all our convo's amount to


You job is to listen to UNDERSTAND how she was FEELING. This is how women connect.


180- Stop being annoyed. Be happy she is sharing with you. Sit there an listen quietly and pay attention. Do not give any advise.

Throw in statements like these every so often:
"Sounds frustrating"
"I bet you were pissed"
"That would make me angry"



The annoyance was only internal, I didn't let her see it. I did continue listening and validating.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
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