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Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859238
07/29/19 05:24 PM
07/29/19 05:24 PM
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted by Rick71
I know I can talk R right now, but should I let her know that when she's ready to talk, I'm always open to it and leave it at that, not being it up again unless she does.?.


Rick first of all I want to quote this and tell you that you do not have to do this!! She will come to you when she is ready to share. She knows you will listen to her plans. You don't have to tell her. We have a saying around here: when she wants to come back you will know it, when she doesn't you will be confused.

Stay the course.

Sorry you are here. But you came to the right place. Brace yourself for at least an EA and probably a PA. Her behavior points to it. Strongly.

Do not give her the apology letter unless and until she comes back wanting to work on things. I will only push her further away if you give it to her otherwise.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859242
07/29/19 05:33 PM
07/29/19 05:33 PM
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IronWill Offline
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Hey Rick -

So sorry you are going through this. 27 years is a long time - I've been in mine nearly 21 and it hurts like nothing I've ever known on bad days.

You've gotten some good advice. I know it's not what you want to hear but giving time and space are two of the most crucial things you can do right now. That's not to say to ignore your W - but she needs to figure her own stuff out without input from you.

I did the same things you did - pressure, begging, pleading etc - for quite a while until I found this site. My sit was horrible until I backed off. Once I did, it went from horrible to really bad, but it slowed down things and relieved a lot of pressure.

The key is to focus on yourself right now. Also - actions over words. I wouldn't give her the letter right now, wait until things are better. But I would start journaling - it helps to process your emotions.

This is an extremely hard thing to go through but you will be okay. These things take time and patience.

And remember to take care of yourself too. This would be a good time to get into individual counseling if you are not already - or if you are feeling really down.

If you have any questions feel free to ask - a lot of the vets here have been around longer than I have and they know what they are talking about.

Take care - stay strong! smile

Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859334
07/29/19 11:57 PM
07/29/19 11:57 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Rick71  Offline OP
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Thank you for all the replys, it really helps getting support and guidance from those that have been through this. This emotional roller coaster really [censored]!!
So I'll continue with what I'm doing, no R talk, GAL, and trying to keep myself busy.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Steve85] #2860777
08/09/19 02:33 AM
08/09/19 02:33 AM
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Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Steve85

Sorry you are here. But you came to the right place. Brace yourself for at least an EA and probably a PA. Her behavior points to it. Strongly.



I guess it's all the time she's away from the house as well as the ILYBINILWY, but with no proof, how do I approach this? Do I still continue doing the same that I've been doing, shes still at home 2-3 days a week. Wednesday thru Sunday afternoon, shes with her "girlfriends", camping or boating or whatever they're doing, and just wait for her to want to talk about things or do I try and get proof she's cheating? I could work past the infidelity if it got to the point that we're working on the marriage, just not sure re how to approach it.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860779
08/09/19 03:14 AM
08/09/19 03:14 AM
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Affairs are secondary issues. I made my worst mistakes when I discovered her EA. I was badly torn on whether to confront or not. I didnít follow Sandiís advice on it..hadnít read it yet....and it backfired. Best to assume it and detach so that if it happens, you donít freak out. Brace yourself because if there is never an affair, you will be relieved...but if there is one and you arenít braced, you wonít handle it well.


Me: 36 W:38
M13
S10 D8
ILYBNILY: Feb 2019(?)
Sep in House: Mar 2019
EA1 started 2017, discovered 6/19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860780
08/09/19 03:32 AM
08/09/19 03:32 AM
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LH19 Online
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R,

If you get proof then what? You confront her she denies it then whatís your next steps?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860837
08/09/19 04:20 PM
08/09/19 04:20 PM
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sandi2 Online
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Quote
She said ILYBNILWY. Said that shes probably felt this way for 3 years but just recently had time to think about things when she went with her girlfriend and girlfriends 2 daughters two weeks earlier on a camping/kayaking weekend and had hours to think while floating down the river.


There's a reason it's called the "bomb drop", b/c it comes out of left field and totally blindsides the H. One thing I recommend is that you don't give her words much credibility from this point until reconciliation. Don't define your day by what she says or whatever mood she happens to show at any given moment. You are going to learn a lot of information on the board, and I hope your focus will not be on what your W is saying or how she's acting. Don't be afraid you might make her angry or upset at you. If you can accomplish what I've said within just this first paragraph, you will be better prepared to undertake futher challenges that await you.

I want you to pay close attention to what I am saying. You must not share your thoughts and/or feelings with your W as you go through this horrific period. Why? B/c she doesn't care about your feelings or thoughts. She has changed, and it's probably going to get much worse before it gets better. She is no longer the same girl you married. You cannot trust her, even if she has always been the most trustworthy person you've ever known. Therefore, you cannot entrust your feelings to her. You cannot share your private thoughts & concerns. You cannot tell her how hard you are willing to work, or how much you still love her, or that you will always be there for her. Why? B/c she doesn't care, Rick. She didn't drop the bomb to get your attention that you had better shape up or ship out. That's not what all of this is about. All she cares about right now is freedom. She doesn't want to hear about MC or working on the MR. She's emotional done with it, and the more you try to do something to fix it..........the more she will resist. So, don't talk to her about saving the M, or giving you a chance to correct whatever mistakes in the past, etc. She doesn't care. Any complaints she might give you about things that were lacking in the relationship,.........doesn't matter at this point. You could become Mr. Perfect and it would not change her mind right now. Why? B/c in her opinion, this situation is not really about you. It's all about her. Her so-called complaints is simply smoke screens to distract and cover. Jumping through hoops of fire to impress her how much you are "trying", is useless. However, there are other things you can do.

What I am suggesting is that you establish a private plan just for Rick (no sharing with the W). It will be your guideline for how you will determine your actions. It will be based on what's best for you, your values, integrity, dignity, honor, spiritual/moral belief system, etc. Right now, you have to get your head detached from her, so that you can think with your brain and not with your emotions. Emotions were not designed to think and make decisions. The job of our emotions is to respond. With that said, I realize you must be dealing with a lot of pain and bewilderment. (((Rick))) You will probably hear the board tell you to "detach". DB detaching is stepping back emotionally from your W and her drama. It is protecting yourself, so you don't go spiraling downward. DB detaching is not behaving mean, cold, mad, or other negatives you may think it's suggesting. You don't cave to your strong emotion to be attached to her. Detachment is needed in order to gain strength and clarity.

Quote
The past 2 weeks, things have gotten progressively more "normal" around the house, good conversations, eating dinner together, hanging out on the back porch and shopping, although she still in the other room and only home 2-3 days a week. Almost feels like were just friends though. There's like no emotional connection there.


This is very typical. Your W wants to "normalize" the new arrangement she has forced on the family/home. She is just fine demoting you from husband to a friend, and going through the motions of happy family. Sadly, many couples spend the remaining married years in the friend zone. BTW, how was your sex life, before the bomb drop?

Quote
So, where I'm at now, we're like friends, talking and hanging out around the house. No physical contact except for a single shoulder massage I gave her. No R talk. I'm not sure where her head is with what's going on. I want to talk R and talk to her about working on what we can do to start moving in the right direction.
Forgot to mention, there's been no mention of the D or separation.


Here's what I see in most H's when they first get the ILYBINILWY speech. It wakes him up and he immediately wants to jump into action to fix whatever is making her unhappy. Two things I want you to remember. You cannot "nice" her back, and you cannot "talk" her back. H's want to resolve the issues by talking to the W, but it doesn't work. The quicker you accept that relationship talks are off the table for now, the sooner you will start absorbing the information we want to pass along. I need to clarify something about R talks. Most W's try to con the H into a R talk. If you see your W's conversation leading that way, it's not b/c she wants to resolve the problems. It's b/c she wants to paint you the bad guy in the M, and thereby, justifying her feelings and whatever actions she may take.

Here's how to deal with her bringing up the relationship, if she does. As long as she doesn't scream, cruse at you, throw things, threaten you, or something alone those lines..........you just listen. But should she start with some of those behaviors, then you leave. On the other hand, if your W talks about the issues in the relationship without getting crazy, your job is to listen. Don't argue, don't defend, & don't explain. Most women just want to be heard. She is not asking to be fixed.

I don't know how well you validate, but I find that many people do not have that natural talent, especially when validating their spouse. There is a thread at the top of newcomers forum that gives a cheat sheet. Read it and be ready to validate your W when she is venting about you, the MR, or something else.

It's important that you read Cadet's recommendations. Post every day you can. You are not alone in this situation. Many people here are further down the road, and be a great help to you.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860838
08/09/19 04:47 PM
08/09/19 04:47 PM
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Hallzy9 Offline
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Wow sandi that was really well said, I wish we could archive that because it was the the best description of what is going on in the majority of our sitches.

But anyway agreed with the others rick. Now is not the time for the letter. Your W has friend zoned you. I know you still somewhat live together so things must be difficult. It sounds like you have a WW on your hands but maybe a veteran could advise your better but if you get the chance read sandis guide about how to deal with WWs.

For now I stress how important GAL is. Not only will it help you to not think about W but it will give you opportunities for new friends and new hobbies. Donít worry about stepping on her toes, get out of the house and GAL as often as possible!


Me: 26 W:26
T:6 M:1 S: 1
BD: 3/26/19
DBing: 4/12/19
Separation: 5/20/19
I filed: 8/7/19
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860839
08/09/19 04:54 PM
08/09/19 04:54 PM
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Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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Sandi2 is very wise. Read her words above again multiple times and get everything she says burned into your mind.


I was bomb dropped 10 years ago. I was with my wife for 18 years. I have been on these boards for a long time.

Here is what I believe:


"Set her free" to get her back. Set her free to get her back. Set her free to get her back.


Most newbies take to long to do this. She is wayyyyyy ahead of you. You need to get ahead of her. She is very predictable. Spend enough time reading here and you should be able to predict everything she will do and have a plan on how to respond appropriately.


"I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me"

I am not saying you do this immediately but you should quickly get to a point where you understand why I am recommending this:

H:"W, we need to talk"
W:"OK"
H:"W, I have thought about what you said the other day, and I agree. This is not working for me either. I think it is best that you start looking for a place to live."


#1) You tell her you listened to her.
#2) By agreeing, you validate how she feels.
#3) You let her know that you understand it is not working for her
#4) You let her know that it is not working for you.
#5) You as the man are leading. No stuck in limbo.
#6) She wants out, you are not standing in the way.
#7) she wants out, she moves out.
#8) you are creating distance for her to pursue you








"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2860842
08/09/19 05:19 PM
08/09/19 05:19 PM
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unchien Offline
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My W became a lot friendlier right before the BD.

"Believe none of what they say, and half of what they do" - this applies to both negatives and positives.

If you find yourself assuming something your W said or did means something, stop and consider the alternatives. You will find you can come to almost any conclusion -- and hence you are wasting your time and energy thinking about it at all. Focus on yourself instead.


M: 11, T: 15
S7, D5, D3
MC1: 09/2018-01/2019
BD: 06/12/19
MC2: 06/12/19-??
S: 06/29/19-??
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