CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY #2859116
07/29/19 01:32 AM
07/29/19 01:32 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
R
Rick71 Offline OP
Member
Rick71  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
This Is my 1st post to the forum, but I've been on here for a few weeks.

So, 3 weeks ago Saturday, I got home around noon, my wife was sitting on the back porch and something just didn't feel right. I asked her what was wrong, said she was just thinking, I asked about what and this is where everything gets a bit fuzzy. She said ILYBNILWY. Said that shes probably felt this way for 3 years but just recently had time to think about things when she went with her girlfriend and girlfriends 2 daughters two weeks earlier on a camping/kayaking weekend and had hours to think while floating down the river.

I don't remember everything that was said that day but I cried, said we could fix this, even offer to find a marriage counselor but she said she wouldn't do more than a visit or 2. She went on to say she was done and couldn't do this anymore but she had nowhere to go. She ended up going to her friends house that night so I could think about things and came home Sunday night after she knew I was already asleep.

Since then, shes been home about 2 days a week, spending Wednesday thru Sunday evenings with her friends. The first 2 days after she broke the news to me, we only said maybe 10 words between us and she was spending the evening hours in another room avoiding me. Shes sleeping in the spare room, I have the MBR. The past 2 weeks, things have gotten progressively more "normal" around the house, good conversations, eating dinner together, hanging out on the back porch and shopping, although she still in the other room and only home 2-3 days a week. Almost feels like were just friends though. There's like no emotional connection there.

I haven't brought up anything about the day she broke the news to me or anything about our relationship. Just going day by day being almost like a friend.

Guess I should give some of our past. Will be M for 24 years this September, D21, S18. One of her complaints is we never did anything together including anything significant for our anniversaries, just dinners. We did stuff early on, just the 2 of us, but as the years went on, everything we did included the kids. Four years ago (around or 20th anniversary) she had a voucher for a hotel on the lake, I shot it down because of bad reviews and never booked anything else. She said this is about the time she started falling out of love. We used to go hiking or for walks together but even that came to an end over a year ago. The last several months I knew something wasn't right but didn't do anything about it.

I've had 3 recessions with a DB coach, starting 3 days after getting the bad news. After 1st secession, told me to just talk to her like a friend and no R talk. Maybe even try asking her if she wanted to go out and get a biet to eat or something, never did.

After the 2nd secession, had me work on validation and empathy with her and had me write her an apology letter taking ownership of the things I did wrong in her eyes in the R, but not give it to her.

3rd and final secession, fine tuned the apology letter and told me to give it to her when I felt things were going good. Not sure if the friend stage we're at is when I should or not or do I wait until I see changes in her that looks like she's having a change of heart. Also to continue validation/empathy. And to write down situations, what I did that work and what didn't.

So, where I'm at now, we're like friends, talking and hanging out around the house. No physical contact except for a single shoulder massage I gave her. No R talk. I'm not sure where her head is with what's going on. I want to talk R and talk to her about working on what we can do to start moving in the right direction.
Forgot to mention, there's been no mention of the D or separation.

I'm sorry this is so long, just trying to get all the info in.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859118
07/29/19 01:37 AM
07/29/19 01:37 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,005
NY
Cadet Online

Member
Cadet  Online

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,005
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859119
07/29/19 01:48 AM
07/29/19 01:48 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 854
R
Rose888 Offline
Member
Rose888  Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 854
Sorry you are here.

I know its tempting to start a talk about your relationship but that is almost never a good idea.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859132
07/29/19 04:10 AM
07/29/19 04:10 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 644
C
CWarrior Offline
Member
CWarrior  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 644
Hi Rick,

Losing affection you've counted on for 24 years must be a gut shot. Sorry you're going through this. Glad to hear you're taking things slow, steady, and considerate.


My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. She says she's committed to making it work, to try to return home, and to be an 'us' forever.
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859150
07/29/19 11:35 AM
07/29/19 11:35 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
R
Rick71 Offline OP
Member
Rick71  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
So I just realize I didn't really state what I'm questioning in my original post.

Do I just stay the coarse, keep up the friendly conversation and living in separate rooms?

I know I can talk R right now, but should I let her know that when she's ready to talk, I'm always open to it and leave it at that, not being it up again unless she does.?

What's driving me crazy is not knowing what she's thinking, what her plans are , if she has any. About a week after she broke the news to me, she was rear ended and I think the cars being totalled. I don't know if that's the only reason she's still at home. Yesterday we were doing some shopping for things she needs, hanging out around the house, conversations are like they were before all this happened, like friends hanging out, almost like it never happened, but with no physical contact.

I know this can sometimes be a long process and I can't change the way she feels. I just want to be sure I'm handling things right or if there's anything I'm missing.

Thank you for.any and all replys.


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859165
07/29/19 12:46 PM
07/29/19 12:46 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,005
NY
Cadet Online

Member
Cadet  Online

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,005
NY
Originally Posted by Rick71
What's driving me crazy is not knowing what she's thinking, what her plans are , if she has any.


Sorry but I am sure right this minute she has no clue what she is doing or thinking, and if she does
it does not include you.

Best thing you could do right now is to start making changes for YOU,
so you feel better and not make changes to try to win her back.

Do you have any desire to go on hikes in the woods.

Do it or something else that you have wanted to do.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859173
07/29/19 01:12 PM
07/29/19 01:12 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
R
Rick71 Offline OP
Member
Rick71  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 50
St Louis, MO
I've started working out at the gym, which I had been putting off. Been going on runs and working on projects around the house on projects I've been meaning to get to. I've been read a lot as well.

As far as the apology letter that my DB coach had me write, I should have clarified with her, but she said to give it to my wife when things seem to be going good or getting better. Things are ok right now, but like I said, we're like friends,. I would assume she probably meant when things are turning around and going in a positive direction. Am I right?


Me 48, W 47
T30, M24
D22, S18
BD 7/6/2019
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859179
07/29/19 01:51 PM
07/29/19 01:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,005
NY
Cadet Online

Member
Cadet  Online

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,005
NY
What do you hope to accomplish by giving her the letter?

If it is to turn things around then I do not think this is the time.

The letter is a form of pursuit and more likely to drive her away then bring her closer.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859184
07/29/19 02:28 PM
07/29/19 02:28 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,279
A
AnotherStander Offline
Member
AnotherStander  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,279
Rick, sorry you are here, this is a miserable thing to go through but don't give up hope!

Quote
I don't remember everything that was said that day but I cried, said we could fix this, even offer to find a marriage counselor but she said she wouldn't do more than a visit or 2. She went on to say she was done and couldn't do this anymore but she had nowhere to go. She ended up going to her friends house that night so I could think about things and came home Sunday night after she knew I was already asleep.

Since then, shes been home about 2 days a week, spending Wednesday thru Sunday evenings with her friends. The first 2 days after she broke the news to me, we only said maybe 10 words between us and she was spending the evening hours in another room avoiding me. Shes sleeping in the spare room, I have the MBR. The past 2 weeks, things have gotten progressively more "normal" around the house, good conversations, eating dinner together, hanging out on the back porch and shopping, although she still in the other room and only home 2-3 days a week. Almost feels like were just friends though. There's like no emotional connection there.


OK so first I'm assuming that since you found DBing and a coach that you know not to do anymore of the crying/ begging/ pleading. We all did it at first so don't worry about it, but no more. If you need to cry then cry, but do it in private. I cried all the way to work and home every day for who knows how long. Second, normal behavior is good! So many here deal with a WAS that has gone completely off the rails, and that can make things even more miserable. Friendzone and "no emotional connection" are par, it will hopefully change with time but it's going to take a while. Try not to spend too much time with her, it'll be tempting but she does need time and space to process things.

Quote
I haven't brought up anything about the day she broke the news to me or anything about our relationship. Just going day by day being almost like a friend.


Good. No pressure!

Quote
One of her complaints is we never did anything together including anything significant for our anniversaries, just dinners. We did stuff early on, just the 2 of us, but as the years went on, everything we did included the kids.


I know it's tempting to do a 180 on that, but now isn't the time. If you start working on things later then you can consider that, but for now no dates or anything, that's all pressure.

Quote
3rd and final secession, fine tuned the apology letter and told me to give it to her when I felt things were going good. Not sure if the friend stage we're at is when I should or not or do I wait until I see changes in her that looks like she's having a change of heart. Also to continue validation/empathy. And to write down situations, what I did that work and what didn't.


The coaches are great and it sounds like you are getting some excellent advice. I agree with Cadet on the letter though, now isn't the time. Many of us wrote such letters early on and gave it to our WAS only to get zero response. The thing is, your W is just as complicit in the marriage falling apart as you, but in her eyes it's all your fault. If you write a letter accepting all the blame it just validates her belief that you are the problem and she needs to leave and find someone else. With time she will start to remember things more clearly. She'll remember that things weren't so bad after all and in fact were pretty good, and she'll learn to miss you. But until then you have to give her lots of time and space.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY [Re: Rick71] #2859231
07/29/19 05:04 PM
07/29/19 05:04 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 845
U
unchien Offline
Member
unchien  Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 845
Rick71 - Read my sitch if you want to see how well letters go over at this time in your situation.


M: 11, T: 15
S7, D5, D3
MC1: 09/2018-01/2019
BD: 06/12/19
MC2: 06/12/19-??
S: 06/29/19-??
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004