CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III #2858707
07/25/19 08:32 PM
07/25/19 08:32 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2858714
07/25/19 09:10 PM
07/25/19 09:10 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213
Hello All. After ten months on the Newcomers Forum and my divorce being finalized in the courts currently, I decided it was time to switch to Surviving the Big D and I am hoping my "people" from Newcomers will continue to follow along. This is a section of the community I originally did not want to be a part of but now that the worst is over and I am finding me again, I am actually happy and proud to be joining you. I did not save my MR... there wasn't much to save, truth be told, but...I did save me and I have the people in this community to thank. Without your support, I'm pretty sure I would not be in this position... finding happiness again being DV6 2.0.

Yail...to respond to your last post on my thread in Newcomers. Jack has slowly but surely been having a bit more interaction with my kids and it is going pretty well. He is pretty comfortable with S11 but is very cautious with D11 as she has a very "flirty" personality and he is not used to being around kids so it scares him a bit. He told me the last time he was over when they were home, she threw a blanket over his head when I was in the bathroom and it seemed to him she was trying to get him to roughhouse with her (she is definitely a bit of a tom boy). Apparently that scared him a bit so he opted out which is just fine with me...lol. I'd rather he be super cautious and respectful of my kids than overly comfortable and friendly as that would probably set off some alarm bells in my head [once a social worker, always a social worker]. Would not date anyone who is more interested in my kids than me, that's for sure.

I am also not surprised about him not wanting me to meet his friends. He told me before he thinks I am out of his league and I suspect he thinks my meeting his friends might remind me of that. Little does he know that most of my friends are a lot more like him and don't have multiple degrees or own million dollar homes. I've been very lucky in that regard and I see it as that. Frankly, I came from a small town and I am most comfortable with small town people. When I lived on the mainland in the ritzy part of the city, I felt like a fish out of water and did not feel like I had a lot in common with my neighbours or my kids' friends' parents. I grew up next to a farm, I play pool for fun, I've been to my share of "pit parties" and campfire sing-a-longs so my dating a welder/musician does not feel weird to me at all. But I am aware there are two sides to every story and I know that I am not the norm for him. Maybe I'll just have to drink beer instead of wine and swear around him more...lol. laugh

Anyway...normally he would have gone back home this morning (an hour drive away) but I asked him to stay because I said work is always way less stressful when I can look forward to seeing him at the end of the day. He pressed me a bit on "why" that would make a difference and "why" I wanted to meet his friends and I got the impression he was asking me about my feelings for him. I just told him that I knew at the beginning that he was "dangerous" for me and he reminded me that I said we were a bad idea and have I changed my mind about that and if so, why? Hmmm.... not the discussion to have when I have five minutes to get to work so I told him that I had obviously changed my mind about that (well...almost) and "because I have"...lol. Discussion to be continued, I'm sure. I was surprised he brought up the "bad idea" comment which is what I said to him on our second date three months ago. Made me wonder if he is still thinking about that and if that is the reason it feels like he has kind of backed off a bit. I think both of us are scared we might be fooling ourselves that this could work longterm and are waiting to see where he ends up working as that could really change things...for better or worse. I think I'm hoping for better even though, not gonna lie, our age difference is still weighing on me a bit. Not now. It's fine now cause I look like I am 40. But the reality is that I'm not and in ten years when I'm 61 and he is 48...will it still work? Or in 20 years when I'm 71 and he is 58? It could look a whole lot different. But then again, who says either of us will even live that long...lol? Given what I have been through with my XH, it is funny how I still make decisions with the assumption that I can control any of that.

So much rambling...lol. I feel like I just did some stream of consciousness writing and I'm too lazy and bored with myself to edit it. So there it is... the jumbled mess of thoughts and emotions that are on my mind and in my heart. Oh well...over all, at least I am still having lots and lots of fun!!! laugh

Love and (((HUGS))) to all of you out there in DB Land. xo


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2858723
07/25/19 09:44 PM
07/25/19 09:44 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,948
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,948
13 years isn't that bad. After all, lots of women live to 85 and their husbands die at 73. You could still outlive him. According to recent statistics the life expectancy for US men is 73.4 and women 80.1.

But also - ask yourself, if you had 15 great years together and then broke up, would that be ok? Nothing is guaranteed. He could get lung cancer like my boyfriend. Don't borrow trouble from the future. So long as you're in reasonably similar stages of life (i.e. he doesn't want more kids, you don't want to retire tomorrow) and you are enjoying each other, it should be no issue. It does sound to me like he thinks you're nt serious about him because he's been carrying that comment of yours around in his head all this time.

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2858726
07/25/19 10:19 PM
07/25/19 10:19 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213
Really, really good points KML. You are so right about there not being any guarantees and I think I would rather have 15 good years with him than 30 "meh" years. Not that we are anywhere close to that as we are still seeing how we fit into each other's lives. But if it came to that...

Predictably I did not get a lot of sleep last night. Still getting used to sharing a bed with someone who always has to be touching me in some way. While he doesn't say a whole lot about his feelings for me, he certainly makes up for it in how physically affectionate he is. My XH said "I love you" a lot, most of it lies, but the physical affection went out the window as soon as he decided we were done (about one year prior to BD1). Certainly I didn't feel that he was saying it with any genuine affection. Jack is the opposite although he did a lot of staring into my eyes last night that gave me the impression he was on the verge of saying something.

Different kind of fear I'm dealing with these days... To be continued... laugh


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2858807
07/26/19 02:08 PM
07/26/19 02:08 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213
Great night with Jack last night and I am drinking my morning coffee and getting ready for my day. Jack’s friend, who lives a few hours away, is driving here today to hang out with him. Jack said last night that his friend wants them to get a hotel for a couple nights so they can go out and not worry about driving. He said he wasn’t too keen on the idea as he wanted to spend Saturday with me. I suggested they just stay at my house as the kids are at their dad’s and my sparent is supposed to be going out of town. Jack looked kinda surprised that I suggested it. I just said it made sense as I have a ton of space and hotel rooms around here are expensive in the summer. He agreed and said he was grateful for the invitation and would let me know after he talked to his friend. He’s still worried about what his friend might say but seems more comfortable with risking it. So...this weekend could be really interesting.

Oh...and another example of six degrees of separation. Jack has a really good friend who is a swim coach in town. They used to compete against each other as teenagers and became friends. I was out on a walk with a coworker yesterday and remembered that her S11 is a swimmer. I asked her if she knew Jack’s friend and it turns out she does. She said he is a “sweetheart” and her favourite of all of her son’s coaches. I texted Jack about the “small world” and he texted back that he agreed, and said his friend is “great” and has his head screwed on right. So...I guess not all of his friends are annoying...lol.

Anyway...gotta get ready for my day. I have Monday off so I’m looking forward to my three-day weekend and plan to make the most of it. Volunteering at a breakfast for the homeless tomorrow morning. I’m the pancake lady and my twin is the person who dishes up the food for the people waiting on tables. She always brings her portable speaker so her and I have a great time dancing around and singing to our favourite songs. Our voices blend really well and we’ve actually had people ask if we’ve ever recorded which is hilarious. Uh no... not quitting our day jobs anytime soon...lol.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Love and (((HUGS))) to you all!!!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2858870
07/26/19 07:25 PM
07/26/19 07:25 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 767
S
SoTorn Offline
Member
SoTorn  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 767
Hi DJ. Glad you are doing well. This is our new beginning. We get to write our future now and we won't have someone blaming us and holding us down. I guess welcome to this forum. Lets kick life in the teeth!


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2858915
07/27/19 12:37 AM
07/27/19 12:37 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213
Hey ST!! Great to hear from you. Yes...this is our new beginning!! I, for one, am so grateful to be through the worst and am looking forward to whatever life has in store for me. Funny thing happened today. My XH accidentally FaceTimed me and I answered it because I thought it might be one of my kids using his phone. He didn’t realize he had called me and he answered it for the same reason. So...there we were...face to face for the first time since all this began. We both laughed when we figured out what had occurred. I told him to have a nice weekend and he told me the same and that was that. Six months ago that would have sent me spinning. Today it was like I had just run into someone on the street that I used to know. No emotions...good or bad. I went on with my day. What a glorious place to be. I am happy...I am strong... I am AWOAFWL. Onwards and upwards...lol. (((HUGS))) to you for getting there with me!!! Have a fantastic weekend and keep us posted on how you are doing. xoxo


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2859445
07/30/19 02:22 PM
07/30/19 02:22 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213
So...Jack stayed until Monday afternoon. We had a bit of a “thing” on Saturday. I had offered to let his friend stay at my house on Friday night instead of paying money for a hotel and Jack said he would ask and let me know. When Jack met up with him around noon, he told him he already had a room so he was just going to stay downtown and Jack said he would stay with him. Not a big deal except Jack waited until 10 pm to text me this. Said they had spent all day by the river and had gone to an early movie that was really long. I was irritated when the text came in so I didn’t respond. I had to volunteer at a breakfast the next morning so sent him a text that basically said I wasn’t impressed he waited until 10:00 to text me info he could have texted at noon and that I thought it was really inconsiderate of him and it was concerning he didn’t know that or that he did know that and didn’t care. He responded a couple hours later saying that I was right and apologized and that in his defense, he was having a lot of trouble with his ancient phone (I hate that thing) and that he also didn’t think I would be mad. Looking at it from my perspective, however, he understood where I was coming from and said he felt really bad and wanted to make it up to me somehow. He stayed at my place until Monday afternoon and was his typical attentive self.

Sunday afternoon we were heading out to the grocery store and he blurted out that he loves me. I heard myself say it back and it felt right but, of course, now I am panicking. We are so different and he is so young... not just in age but in lifestyle and life experience. We do not make sense on paper at all. I’m a mom...he is a bit uncomfortable around kids. I have three university degrees...he’s a welder and a musician (very talented) but quite smart. I have a good job with benefits... he is currently on EI and needs to find another job in a month or so which could be anywhere. I own a home and a rental home... he doesn’t seem to own anything but also doesn’t have any huge debts. I’ve been married twice and had a couple of serious relationships. He hasn’t had any serious relationships to speak of. I am reasonably outgoing and comfortable in social settings... he is more introverted and is great one-on-one but becomes very quiet when there is more than one other person in the room. I love traveling and have been to other countries. He says he would like to travel but hasn’t been anywhere other than Disneyland when he was a teen. He doesn’t even have a passport right now. I am a communicator... he admits this is not his strong suit but responds really well when I have confronted him on anything. On the positive side... we have a GREAT time together. He can be really silly and makes me laugh. Sex is great and sometimes I feel like I can’t kiss him enough. I am super comfortable with him and happy when he is around.

IDK... Am I just fooling myself or getting carried away because it feels so good to be with someone who is so into me and who is so affectionate with me? I was emotionally starved in my marriage so am I just responding to him in this way because of that?


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2859507
07/30/19 06:46 PM
07/30/19 06:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,948
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,948
Quote
Sex is great and sometimes I feel like I can’t kiss him enough. I am super comfortable with him and happy when he is around.


You don't have to marry him for life!!! Why not just enjoy this for now and see where it goes? No decisions need to be made right now.

As a welder he'll always have work and at least he doesn't have $100k in student loans! You have the great luxury of not NEEDING a man to be well off because you've got your own financial security, and at least he is able to pay his own bills. I'd rather be with a guy of modest means who knows how to live within them than with some wealthier guy who runs up a lot of debt trying to live a certain lifestyle. I'd also rather date a welder who does good honest work than a hedge fund manager who is just a white collar criminal in disguise.

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2859532
07/30/19 08:15 PM
07/30/19 08:15 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,213
I am so glad you are on this forum KML... you always have such good solid points that make a lot of sense. I have a history of rushing into things and I think I am just overthinking a lot. I tell myself every other day just to take things one day at a time and not make any big decisions... see where I am at in six months, etc... Give our relationship time to develop naturally or not. The welder thing is not an issue to me at all. I agree with you. I would much rather be with someone who lives within his means and is content with that, than with someone who is always trying to put on a show and going deeper into debt. I prefer Jack to that guy for sure.

The musician thing... both my ex husbands are musicians...is a bit more cause for concern. Not in itself... I greatly admire people who are talented in that way...but my first husband, who has a boatload of talent, has spent his adult life working to live and waiting for his big break. Now he is 54, separated from his second wife for the past 10 years, living with his parents (she has the house) and is still working to live and waiting for his big break. He is 12 years away now from retirement age and has no idea how he is going to support himself and still has rock star dreams. Jack is a lot like him in that regard and I could see him doing the same thing and becoming progressively disillusioned and depressed over time when/if it doesn't happen. The age difference aside, this is my big concern with him - especially since he has said I am his "vacation" from his life and in his real life, he is not the happy, silly, fun guy that he is with me. But... you are right...I don't need to make any big decisions. I think having some patience and seeing where things go is a great 180 for me. smile


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Page 1 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004