Some great advice and yeah I need mentally to prepare. Been running through all the scenarios in my head, questions, and responses without expectations.
Then something happened that I didn't expect . . .
W had to get a bit of a go at me: "I'd like to go out but you are so busy so I can't. Oh, I feel depressed and suicidal (She's not, she expresses in extremes)". Then says she would like to have a chat. I guess it's that chat we would have over dinner.
One thing I've learnt as someone who hasn't been in touch with emotions is to trust one's gut. And in the last 24 hours, I felt like she was about to say something positive. Based on her actions and words, I felt this is true. And my gut was right.
She said she apologised for her bad behaviour that it was hard for me to put up with it all these years. And that she was talking to her Dad about a student who committed suicide in her school and he reminded her that those who suicide focus only on the past and not on the future. She realised that she should not dwell on the past and that she should look forward.
It seems she had a revelation.
She said she felt lonely and realised what exactly a big D would mean (that is precisely the point of DB, no?). She realised that I never rejected her and that it was me going through problems. And that she couldn't bear the effect a big D would have on the S6 and D9.
And then she said she saw a future with us and wanted to be back together. BUT UNDERSTOOD IF I DID NOT WANT TO BECAUSE I MOVED ON.
I didn't react too much nor get excited. I validated what she said. I replied I never knew she felt that way, and it filled me with hope. She cried, we hugged. And I said that we require a new relationship, and it must be different otherwise there is no new relationship. I explained I needed respect. I needed to be vulnerable, and we need to rebuild slowly. I also admitted I was a s*ty husband. My inability to be vulnerable was because of passive-aggressive behaviour due to not standing up and expressing myself. And we never prioritised our relationship and that must change.
I admit I feel better but I'm still cautious. I'm not stopping GALing, and I'm not 100% sure if this is the start of piecing. Too soon to tell. There are still elements of spoilt behaviour, but for now, I'll attribute that to residual anger. I have no intention of stopping being alpha, nor dismissing boundaries. NGS needs to die a slow death. And to say nothing about broaching marriage counselling.
All I can say is that this came about after five solid, hard days of DB. I can't tell you how hard it was to look her in the eye and say "No I'm not obliged to do that, you fired me as husband".
Even if it never works out, I have no fear because I know what I want. Someone here posted that we come to this board looking to save our marriage but end up saving ourselves. So true. In any event, let's see what happens.
Josh, great update! I agree that you need to take things slowly and cautious. Do not go all in on this yet. She has as much to work to do as you do! Many LBSs have been reeled back in by their WAS with these kinds of "let's get back together" only to have their LBS reattach and have the WAS tell them "I was wrong, I still want a D." So proceed slowly..........
I like the still GAL. Also, look up self-differentiation in marriage. Emotional detachment is something that is important to a healthy marriage. That doesn't mean you aren't engage and empathetic, it means that you are healthy and happy and fulfilled as an individual yourself so that you can be a full 1/2 of the MR. And of course any 180s you've started need to be cemented!
But overall this is all good stuff Josh, just keep DBing. DBing is something you do from now on, you don't stop after piecing and Ring.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for reminding me. Lack of self-differentiation is one of issues that got me to where I am. So long as I don't revert into old behaviours and keep DB I'm confident I can get the relationship I want. W knows now I mean business and that I was prepared to walk. Enforcing boundaries will remind her of that. And I still have IC.
Josh, I've seen this happen enough to think this is probably a "false start". You started some hardcore DB'ing and pulled away, and now she is trying to reel you back in. I seriously doubt it is anything more than re-securing you as Plan B though. I doubt she's all-in. Just keep your distance for now, let her do 100% of the pursuing.
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She said she apologised for her bad behaviour that it was hard for me to put up with it all these years. And that she was talking to her Dad about a student who committed suicide in her school and he reminded her that those who suicide focus only on the past and not on the future. She realised that she should not dwell on the past and that she should look forward.
That all sounds great but consistency is the key. She may very well revert to being cold and distant in a day or two. Are you familiar with the picnic analogy? She will go in and out of the castle for a while. You need to keep having your private picnic.
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It seems she had a revelation.
I doubt it. Most WAS's will have a moment where they will "try out" a stab at recon only to decide within days that it was a bad idea and it'll never work and blah blah blah. Not trying to be a wet blanket but you need to take a long-term view.
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I didn't react too much nor get excited. I validated what she said.
Good.
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I replied I never knew she felt that way, and it filled me with hope. She cried, we hugged. And I said that we require a new relationship, and it must be different otherwise there is no new relationship. I explained I needed respect. I needed to be vulnerable, and we need to rebuild slowly. I also admitted I was a s*ty husband. My inability to be vulnerable was because of passive-aggressive behaviour due to not standing up and expressing myself. And we never prioritised our relationship and that must change.
Not good. Don't get all emotional about this, just tell her you have a lot to think about and the two of you will need to have more discussions later.
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I'm not stopping GALing, and I'm not 100% sure if this is the start of piecing. Too soon to tell.
You have a good point and I'm aware it could be a false start. However I haven't seen any behaviour to suggest plan A is still on her mind. Early days, yes, but I trust my gut here. It is possible I'm way off but I also feel less resentment, she apologised again for other recent behaviour, and she talked about how we can spend more time together. She also put her rings on, something that was a proxy for her feelings since BD. I also feel she has been conversing with her friends. In fact one had a strange comment for me about how I've changed and I appear to be in a better place. They talk, W and her friends. So ATM I'm seeing signs that this is genuine.
To me, sex will seal the deal, as it was a major issue for years. That hasn't happened. And we are in separate bedeooms. That might not ever change since we comfortable with not common view to keep separate rooms but come together for sex. But I appreciate the reminder for caution. I will consider it a true start when I see consistent respect, frequent sex, regular time together, and couples therapy. And I'm consistent with GAL. Until then its DB and GAL but with an easing of the no imitating contact rule.
Josh, I really think you've got a poor outlook on things here. While I agree she has a lot of work on herself to do. So do you! I still see a lot of NGS in your above post. Sex will seal it??? Really??
Are you in IC? If not get into it. Preferably with an IC familiar with NGS.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I've been in IC for a year but we are wrapping things up shortly. We discussed it's time to move on and she is comfortable that I'm able to continue on my own. What specific aspect of NGS do you think IC would assist with? Where else do you see NGS in my post?
Perhaps I gave the wrong impression when I sex will seal the deal. What I meant to say is that when all these things I mentioned are visibly consistent and we start having regular sex, I would consider it to be proof there is a relationship that is piecing towards ring. I'm not suggesting that once there is sex, all is well, DB over, let's have a nice life together. Far from it. Working on myself continues because I see a risk of relapse to NG. I see risk of getting to comfortable and the relationship collaoses again. Sex was a constant side effect of NGS and a core issue that led to BD. I consider resolution of that a milestone and an extremely positive sign.
It's true, that there could very well a selfish motive in W because she knows she would lose much more than she realized. But if that leads to reconciliation, so what. It's the end I'm looking for, which is a happy, satisfying relationship.
Josh_T - Sex and NGS are intertwined so tread carefully.
It might be true that sex would validate that you and your W are emotionally reconnected. I really don't know. I know that my W will absolutely not have sex without feeling emotionally intimate, so I can understand where you are coming from.
HOWEVER... it is also true that NGs will often use sex to validate their self-worth, or validate the state of their relationship. It can get muddied up very easily.
