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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Thanks Yail. So...I think maybe I may have just gotten my friend on a weird night or something cause when I saw him, things were completely normal. It is amazing how you can not see someone for years and then pick up right where you left off as if not a day had gone by. Completely comfortable and happy to see one another. It was a great visit. We talked about a lot of things. He is a really good guy and it sounds like his W has put him through a lot and continues to. He said she started acting weird around their next door neighbour a couple years ago and there have been some red flags. They have a SSM and she has told him he is welcome to have sex with someone outside the marriage. She won’t even hug him as she associates that with sex. He is the primary breadwinner and even though she could work full time now that their kids are pretty much grown, she doesn’t want to. She has rewritten history and told him he was not the love of her life even though they have been together since we were 22 years old. Uh...I was there...she was pretty nuts about him. Truth be told, I never really liked her much. She was very hard to get to know and was a bit of a princess which has continued to this day. My friend says almost everything has been left up to him in the home and she never offers him her help. Case in point, he is working full time and in his off hours, reshingling their home. She went off to Europe with their daughter for the summer...something she “told” him she was doing with money she saved up. Huh? He says everything he has earned has gone towards the family so he does not know how she saved this money. I asked him what the plan was for their marriage and he said that, as far as he knows, they will be getting divorced once the kids move out. He is not doing the Tinder thing currently as he just signed up for that one night when he was really frustrated with her. Poor guy. He really would make someone a great partner and I am sad that his W hasn’t made any effort to work on their relationship.

Jack is over currently. He played me some Bach on his guitar last night. He is so d@mn good at that guitar. I am sad he hasn’t turned it into a career. I asked him how much time he put towards practice and he told me when he was a teenager, he would often stay home from school all day just to play and that it wasn’t unusual for him to spend 10 hours a day playing. I wish I had that kind of passion for something. It is inspiring. No wonder he hasn’t killed himself to get off of EI. That day is coming though. Hoping whatever work he finds does not take him too far away. I told him last night that if things did not work out between us romantically, that we would make an effort to always be friends as I wouldn’t want him to completely disappear from my life. He looked at me with a big goofy grin and called me a sweetheart and thanked me. Pretty sure there aren’t any exes in his life that he still talks to so this seems to be a new experience for him. We also talked a bit about the trip to Croatia I am planning with my sister and a friend and their husbands next September. He is hoping he can be my plus one but we didn’t make any promises about it as the stars would definitely need to align for that to happen. He’s never been to Europe and the last time he was on a plane, he was a teenager so it would be fun to experience that with him.

Anyway...will journal more later. Have to finish getting ready for my trip across the line with my sister. Gonna see if we can break even at the casino again...lol. (((HUGS))) to all out there is DB land. xo

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He is so d@mn good at that guitar. I am sad he hasn’t turned it into a career.


Ummm.....no. Hobby yes, career no. Nobody makes money in music these days. I know a lot of musicians. The only ones who are making a living are touring 300 days a year. The happiest musicians I know have good day jobs and play in a band for fun, not money.

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Deja - I've not been following along too closely but I'm a bit worried about you and your friend Jack. I see you making excuses for his lack of employment, lack of ambition. Over the last few years I've read a "lot" of stories and one common one I see is where solid stable women end up with some rather shiftless men who they have to support while they "find themselves", "find an employer who appreciates their special talents" yadda yadda. It often doesn't turn out well.

Are you sure that this is a path you want to take? Of course I could be completely wrong too.


On BD
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Thanks for your concerns everyone. No need to worry. The one thing I am sure about Jack is that he is the kind of guy who would be extremely uncomfortable being supported by a partner. I can tell based on a few things he has said that the differences between us in that regard is probably his biggest concerns. He also insists that he pays for half of the meals that we go out for. This is the first time he has spent any significant amount of time unemployed and I know that he will find work soon and it could spell the end of us if it ends up being somewhere else in the province or in another part of the country. Not sure either of us would want to do the long, long distance thing. An hour away is far enough. So things could look really different a couple of months from now. At the very least, we will remain friends though. I am glad we have had the time together that we have had regardless of how it turns out.

Having said all that, I would like to point out, that if I was the guy with the great job, money in the bank and owned a house and he was the woman who was looking for a job and didn’t own a lot, people would not be so concerned about me being taken advantage of given how many women there are out there who are being supported by men and who could easily work and pay their own way. That’s not a judgment... just a fact. Honestly, I do not need a guy to pay my bills or provide me with financial security. I have that figured out. If I was looking for that, however, Jack would definitely not be my guy...lol. Anyway... food for though. smile

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Journaling...

Last day before I’m back to work. The two weeks off went fast and I feel like I didn’t do a whole lot but that’s okay... I have my trips to look forward to next year. Ten days in Vegas in March for the BCA World 8-ball Championships and then three weeks in Croatia in September with my sister, BIL and another couple that I adore. They are both celebrating their 25th wedding anniversaries. I may or may not be going solo. Not too worried about it if I do cause I’ve been taking vacations with my sister and her hubby for years. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere for the last eight years so I’m used to being the fifth wheel. Anyway...my BIL stopped by the other day because he is planning a surprise during our holiday and wanted to make sure I am okay with it since it will be an extra expense and I’ll have to pay for myself if I want to take part. Anyway...we will either be going on a week long cruise or chartering a 50 foot sail boat with a crew for a week and cruising the coast. Both sound great to me. Not sure which I prefer. It may come down to the price. He is away on a golfing trip right now so we’re going to talk more about it when he gets back. Not sure about keeping it a surprise though as my sister and our friend have been talking about getting together soon to plan the trip which, knowing my sister, means figuring out where we will be day to day so not much room for a surprise week-long cruise.

Getting kicked out of my house on the 20th so the restoration people can refinish my floors. I was going to stay with my sister for the 17 days I will be out and have the kids stay with their dad but I reconsidered as the insurance company told me they would pay for a short term rental. So...I looked around at what was available and decided to rent an ocean-front condo at a resort that is about a 30 minute drive from my home and a 25 minute drive from my work. Funny how the 25-minute drive gave me pause considering I commuted 40 minutes each way to work for 12 years. I am so spoiled now with my 5-minute drive. Anyway... I will be there for two work weeks and three weekends altogether. It is right on the ocean and has an outdoor heated pool that is open until the end of September and a seaside hot tub that is open year round. The condo I am renting was recently renovated so it is beautiful. Can’t wait... it is going to feel like a mini-vacation minus the having to go to work part...lol. There is also a chance that Jack will be working in the area for the next couple of months so he says he will stay there with me if he is.

Went to Costco yesterday with my kids. We were part way though the shop when my daughter suddenly exclaimed “there’s dad” and asked if she could go say hi. They were part way down the freezer aisle and obscured by some boxes so I couldn’t really see them but I told her okay and off she ran. I saw her giving OW a hug out of the corner of my eye which bothered me on one level (things are going just as he planned - insert vomiting emoji here) but was good on another as she clearly has a positive relationship with my kids so I know she treats them well. I kept my distance and thankfully we didn’t run into them again. I did see my XH on Friday at my daughter’s TKD belt test. He got there a bit late and there were a ton of kids testing so very little room for the parents to watch. He was stuck outside looking through the window and I was inside close to the action so I took a few videos and pictures and sent them to him. We also shared a few musings during the test via text like we would have in the past. Afterwards our D11 and I met him outside and we parted ways shortly after exchanging pleasant goodbyes. And then...inevitably...I was a bit mad at myself for being so friendly. He doesn’t deserve it. But...I guess my kids do so I will continue to take the high road even though a part of me wants him and his OW to suffer in some way. He always seems to get a free pass no matter what he does.

Jack was here again on the weekend. Always fun to see him and we spent some time with my kids and with my sister on Saturday night so they are getting to know him better. Today my sister and I are heading to the lake and my kids are going to their dad’s. The lake is in Jack’s town so he is going to meet us out there. It is supposed to be 27 degrees (not sure what that is in Fahrenheit) there today so should be a beautiful last day of my vacation. (((HUGS))) to all!!

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Yesterday was a busy work day. Ugh... all teenage boys.

First up...a 16 year-old anxious, somewhat violent (loves the adrenaline hit of fighting with others) boy who tells me he is high “24/7” and doesn’t care if he lives or dies. His mom called me in tears the other day. She’s lost two family members to drug overdoses and is super worried her son’s cavalier attitude is going to turn into an accidental death and is pinning her hopes on me being the one to motivate him to turn his life around. So far, he has agreed to come back for our third appointment but remains ambivalent about doing anything to help himself.

Second...16 year-old anxious boy who has a daily weed habit and is comfortable avoiding absolutely everything that brings up an anxious feeling...school, job, life... not attending school either but at least is spending a couple hours a day doing online courses. His mom called me too. Worried about his future. Pinning all her hopes on me of course.

Third...16 year-old socially anxious boy who is graduating this year and hoping to go to university if he manages to keep up with his homework and not get overwhelmed. He’s actually doing pretty well so I told him I’m only going to see him every other week. Hopefully his anxious dad can handle it.

Fourth...17 year-old boy who I think is trying to convince me he has autism as he loves to talk to me in a robotic manner and I’ve heard he isn’t like that with peers. He loves to answer a question with a question. He emailed me on Wednesday to tell me that he feels like hurting someone (his mom) so wanted an appointment so I could counsel him out of it. When I see him... that was then, this is now. Still wanting to be in his room all day. Not in school, planning to get a job but never actually taking the steps to get one, pot smoker, etc... Mom is frustrating because she wants him to DO something. With three minutes left to go in our session, asked me “Why is suicide taboo?” after telling me not to “freak out”. Uh yeah... I don’t freak out. I swear he comes in just to frustrate me...lol.

Teenage boys are just not great therapy candidates but... I love them all...lol. What I don’t love is the pressure from parents to “fix” their kids in five meetings or less. It is a tall order and a lot of responsibility. Can’t believe I’m going into my 22nd year and I haven’t lost my mind yet...lol.

On a another note...I am continuing to do family therapy with the family no one else wanted to work with and we are making great strides. It is actually starting to get fun!!! laugh

My personal life is status quo. Had the kids on Wednesday and Thursday. Came home yesterday to find their dad’s truck in the driveway. Usually he is super careful about being gone by the time I get home from work but not yesterday. I was glad. It gave me a chance to hug my kids goodbye. My daughter was excited to go because apparently he and OW got a Boston Terrier puppy. Must be OW’s thing cause XH loves big dogs...Newfoundlands are his dream dogs. A BT would be way down his list of preferred dogs. Way down mine too. I think they are kinda ugly - no offence to any BT lovers out there.

Jack is over this weekend. He came over last night at around 7:00. I’m always happy to see him. We laugh a lot and just like being in each other’s company. More and more, however, I am wondering if that is enough. It’s not the age difference. I am pretty much over that...for the most part. It’s more the other differences and where we are at in life. My life is pretty set....kids, career, home ownership, etc... His life is the opposite of that. I suppose that makes things easier on one hand as he is free to do what he wants and live wherever he wants. He could easily fit into my life. But it would be him fitting into MY life. That might be fine for him in the short term but what about a year or five years from now? If I really invest in this relationship, am I just going to get left again? And maybe that is the age thing coming into play? He is still young enough to meet someone and have a family whereas I am past all of that. It’s not something he wants right now but he could easily change his mind later on down the road and then what? Serial dating is not for me. I’m someone who just wants to be in a committed relationship and grow old with somebody. Sigh...this life stuff is so confusing...

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Good Morning DV

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Sigh...this life stuff is so confusing...

(((Hug)))

You do make a lot of good points. They are more than just background noise. And I haven’t seen too many chips being put in the pot, not saying you need to go all in. smile One can only play the cards they have been dealt, and all hands have risk. If one looks at things as win/lose, perhaps you need to start to see win/win.

You are speculating on what Jack might do later on in the future, the meet someone and have a family scenario. Ok, a validate concern. However, concern over a future possible event is.... well I’m sure you’ve read enough of my posts to know.

So do you fear his actions or your’s?

You spoke about investing in the relationship and wondering about five years from now. You say it is him fitting into your life.

DV, you are already investing into this relationship - thinking five years out shows the seriousness of it. And for what it’s worth you are also fitting into his life and lifestyle. Each of you appear to be fitting well together.

So, what to do about your concerns? Talk to him. You cannot read his mind, so ask him. See where he is at.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
It’s not something he want right now but he could easily change his mind later on down the road and then what?

Things that follow “but” usually are justifying something.

Yes he could change his mind, just like anyone can. But, easily?

As an empathic guess from me - you are letting your fear lead you. Look at this from that intellectual car. Does Jack demonstrate such behaviour that he would be at ease discarding you?

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I’m someone who just wants to be in a committed relationship and grow old with somebody.

So am I. Always have been.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Jack feels, and believes the same. That value is not age related. I’ve believed right down to my core, in wanting (not needing) to grow old with someone, ever since I was in my early twenties.

There is a time when one realizes the chips, the pot, the hand - isn’t important - isn’t what is actually at “play”. The game isn’t poker, doesn’t need win/lose stresses and worry. It’s much bigger and better. You’re already all in. We all are. The win/win comes from how you play what you’ve been dealt.

DV, you are doing great and have a wonderful life. Hope your day is a bright one.

DnJ


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This stuff is so confusing, I couldn’t agree more.

I also hate dating, and I just want a committed relationship. But not just with anyone.

I’ll say this.

I dated a younger guy. 3 months, not long, but he broke up with me because he did want kids and that life where you build from scratch. He had found a girl while dating me, and they have been together, ever since 2.5 years now ( I know all this because I’m friends with his sister in IG) and this was right for him. No hard feelings. I could not give him what he wanted. Your sitch with jack is a little different. He’s a little older, he isn’t desiring up front his family from scratch. He seems pretty happy with the way things are.

Now, I dated M, I believed he was committed, we both were raising kids and he preached long term to me right up until he dumped me. There was no guarantee, clearly. We were blending families speaking of the future, but Poof, he was gone.

So really, you just never know. There are situations where it seems like it should be working perfectly. M and I I thought loved each other, our kids loved each other, we loved each other’s kids and they loved us. Perfect recipe, right? Not so much.

There are no situations that guarantee commitment . If you are happy, then don’t borrow trouble from the future.
I understand if his lack of job and motivation and how he fits perfectly into your life might Change YOUR attraction levels. I get that. You are a highly successful woman with a family. Is it you maybe questioning what YOUR attraction might be on the future? I by no means am putting jack down. He sounds like a wonderful attentive boyfriend. He chooses you.

Just some things to think about. But you know the future just cannot be predicted. If you are happy now and enjoying what you have, then go with it. Who knows what the future will bring

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Wow you guys... you really have such amazing insights!!!

DnJ... You are so right about the being driven by fear part... And your question about fearing my actions or his... That is a really difficult one to answer as I think perhaps it is a bit of both. Jack’s relationship history would suggest that he is not one who invests in relationships...not easily at least. We’ve been seeing each other for five months and we are already past his “average”. He does not say much to me about how he feels...about anything. He tells me a lot about what he thinks but feelings do not appear to something he spends a lot of time reflecting on. I think there is some fear there and a person who struggles with feelings of inadequacy that stem from his relationship with his dad and feeling like he has disappointed him.

Does Jack demonstrate behaviour that suggests he would be at ease discarding me? No...he definitely does not. We spend every weekend together and is very affectionate and attentive. I never get the sense when we are out that he is checking out other women or anything like that. The one time we almost broke up (because of my frustration with his texting habits), he was upset by it and when he showed up at my house and gave me a hug, I asked him how he was and he said “better now that I am holding you.” He seemed a lot more distressed than I ever would have guessed he would be.

Ginger... Another person on here with amazing insights and advice. You are so right. We really can’t predict or control what happens in the future and someone could do and say everything right and still not be there in the end. And then someone like Jack, who barely says anything, may just be around for the long haul. Words are wonderful...they are great at easing our insecurities and helping us to feel safe but...at the end of the day...they don’t mean anything if someone’s actions don’t match. Five months into my R with XH, we were already living together and I was the love of his life and his soul mate... until I wasn’t. There are no guarantees in life.

Re: Jack’s motivation and lack of a job. He has a lot of motivation and passion for his music and I admire that greatly. I think he will be back working within the next week or two as he has had a number of calls and is sorting all of that out this week. He’s worked his whole life with the exception of the last five months so I’m not worried that he will be permanently unemployed or that it will affect my level of attraction to him. I just know that, on paper, we don’t look like a good match and that does concern me sometimes. However, XH and I were a great match on paper and that didn’t exactly work out. You just never know... Jack and I talked about our age difference a bit last night. We both agreed that it doesn’t mean a whole lot to either of us. He says he thinks of me as 40 as I look and act as if I am. Of course, I’m not 40, I’m 51 and at some point, I will look my age and TBH, I worry that he will stop looking at me the way he does now.

So... last night was a good night. My sister and BIL came over for a BBQ as well as my friend and her husband. We are all planning to go to Croatia for three weeks next year - Jack included if we are still together. We had a great dinner and then spent some time checking out accommodations and loosely planning what places we would like to visit. It is hard to plan a trip with someone who you’ve only been dating for five months when the trip is a year away but he does want to go so we are planning it as if he is coming...final decision won’t need to be made until the Spring when we buy our plane tickets. I told him after that, we have to either not break up until after we get back or we go as friends with benefits...lol. Anyway...my sister and our friends know that my BIL is planning a surprise (he had to tell them so we wouldn’t book rooms for the days he has planned) but they don’t know the details. I am beyond excited. I think we are going to charter a 50-foot catamaran for a week and just cruise around the islands. I have always wanted to spend some time on a catamaran and the one I am hoping we are going to book is a BEAUTY!!! Jack has never really been anywhere so I am even more excited that he might be with us. I am hoping it will infect him with the travel bug as certainly that is something I want to do a lot of in the future.

Anyway...thanks, as always, for being the voice of reason and reassuring me that I am on the right track and don’t need to make any life altering decisions at the moment. I really am happy when I’m not questioning everything so as Ginger recommended, I’m not going to borrow trouble. My experiences in the last year have taught me that no matter how hard you try, you cannot predict or control the future...especially when other people are a part of it. It’s funny how we still try in the face of our insecurities, isn’t it? Glad I have all of you to stop me from going too far down that road. (((HUGS)))

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I like your post Dejavu!

We look for formulas and patterns for a lasting relationship. We look for recipes - (wait 3 months fo an I love you, 6 months for kid introductions, 2 years for moving in- ) we look at red flags. No one wants to get hurt. And none of us want to feel out of control.

But none of it is a guarantee. I followed a very conservative formula with my ex husband and my life was ruined for it. I can follow an opposite formula and it could go great or also ruin me.

With love, we have no idea what will be lasting and what won’t. And sometimes we can look back in hindsite and see warning signs, but other people with successful and lasting relationships might have those same warning signs. So who knows! My parents have been married for over 40 years. My mom told me on their first date my dad asked her what she thought their kids would look like. She thought it was really weird to say that and we would have definitely told her it was a red flag. Normal guys should not say things like that. But hey - they have a successful marriage.

I don’t know if we can control. Only perhaps work on being a good partner.


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