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Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2859963
08/03/19 01:41 AM
08/03/19 01:41 AM
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Yail Offline
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
The best way I can describe it is to say I was like that frog in the pot of water that burns to death because he never notices the temperature gradually increasing until it is too late.


This is EXACTLY how I think many of us end up where we are while putting up with things we never thought we would. Though all of our stories are different, I am also embarrassed by some of the (censored) I put up with with W. I'm a strong, intelligent, independent woman who has a strong sense of self and I let her treat me that way? Treat our R that way? How in the world did I ever let that happen?

The frog analogy is spot on. You can't see the forest for the trees. I think this is one of the major reasons that in house separations don't work and that time and space is critical for not only the WAS - but more importantly the LBS.

Once you had some space you started to immediately thrive DV. When you weed the garden you can't just cut off the top - you've got to get in the dirt and pull out those deep root systems that are choking the life out of each other.

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2860023
08/03/19 10:30 PM
08/03/19 10:30 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,178
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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(((Yail))). It is amazing what space and some clear thinking can accomplish. Early on I was too caught up in the emotion of everything to see my marriage and my H clearly... the way others would if they were flys on the wall watching us. I did not want a divorce. It felt like a failure and even more so because I didn’t even get a chance to fix it. My H did everything he could to destroy our MR before then. I now know, however, that it was not my failure, it was his. He went against the promises he made. He chose to put himself and his “feelings” first...before our family, before everything we had built and accomplished together. He has to live with that. He has to look in the mirror and know, deep down, that he failed... and he failed miserably. I am at peace with that and with him...finally.

Spent a wonderful night with Jack. I made him dinner on my new barbecue and we hung out on the deck watching the boats in the harbour and enjoying the summer weather. When it got dark, we watched a movie and cuddled on the couch. I LOVE how cuddly and affectionate he is. This morning we lazed around a bit before my kids got home. I was supposed to have them last night but STBXH offered to keep them an extra night to give me a night off since I have been working all summer. I was outside in the driveway when their dad dropped them off and we had a friendly exchange and a short discussion about how the kids seem to be taking fewer baths because of the short timeframes spent at our respective houses. We laughed about it and agreed to both do better with reminders. It was nice.

Monday is a statutory holiday here so I have three glorious days off and a short work week. The week after that, I have some friends visiting from Mexico (school friends of my kids and their mom) so am only working three days. Taking the last two weeks in August off. No solid plans to go anywhere but I live in a summer tourist destination so am going to make it a fun staycation for the kids.

Still having periodic urges to break up with Jack. I love being with him and love how I feel when we are together but I am anxious about the relationship when we are not. In my heart of hearts, I do feel like the differences between us will eventually become an issue so in some ways, a break up feels inevitable at some point. Just don’t want to go their yet. His EI runs out at the end of the summer and he will have to get a job. It could be anywhere so it may be him in the end who breaks up with me. Time will tell...

(((HUGS))) to all in DB Land. Hope you are all having a beautiful summer weekend. xo


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2860036
08/04/19 01:08 AM
08/04/19 01:08 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,826
Massachusetts
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I think it's best to keep things in the day xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2860038
08/04/19 01:14 AM
08/04/19 01:14 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,887
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kml Offline
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Don't borrow trouble, enjoy the present.

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2860064
08/04/19 02:42 PM
08/04/19 02:42 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,543
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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning DV

Things sound pretty good. BBQ, watching the boats in the harbour, hanging out in the deck. And a staycation sounds like a really nice plan for you and the kids. Living in a summer tourist destination I suppose does have something you can find to do. Lol.

Has D11 dug the fire pit or got the basketball court all staked out yet?

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I do feel like the differences between us will eventually become an issue so in some ways, a break up feels inevitable at some point.

Feelings are fleeting.

Feelings are real. Feelings are expressions of our subconscious - desires, fears, hopes, dreams, what you ate last night, and so on. Totally real. And they change!

That’s why you don’t make decisions based solely on feelings.

I’ve asked before - Do you like Jack? You might want to consider bumping up the word “like” to something more. Admitting things to yourself.

DV, with the knowledge that you like Jack. What about these feelings. What to do? Let them flit away. Stop consciously feeding them.

Decisions would be best made following our beliefs, those convictions and deep values of one’s self. Are you happy and satisfied with your values around Jack? Let me explain that question a bit.

Take that up one level. Do you want to have a relationship with someone? Short term or long term?

Assuming you do want a relationship, what is it that your subconscious feelings is out of step with? A guess from me. Age difference. You’ve mentioned it a few times; totally understandable by the way.

So Jack is an awesome guy, and the age thing is exerting pressure from within. So alter your beliefs. Age is no big deal. (I assumed age. However, it is whatever it is you come up with.)

Use what you can control, your conscious thoughts to slowly alter your beliefs. Feeling will follow and acceptance of whatever irrational concern you have.

That is the big point. The irrational concern is hidden from you, and comes out as a feeling. Something’s not quite right. Decide intellectually on your situation, and go from there. The whole uncoupling feelings from situations and actions, just as in letting go of fear.

A gentle push from a caring friend.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S20 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2860153
08/05/19 03:05 PM
08/05/19 03:05 PM
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Posts: 1,178
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Thanks everyone.

DnJ... you always have such words of wisdom to impart. Thank you for taking the time to write them out. You always give me lots to think about.

Having a fantastic weekend. Jack arrived on Friday after work and we had a fun night together. Kids came home on Saturday and we had a bit of a lazy day. My sister and her H came over for dinner and I invited STBXH’s mom to join us. It was nice and Jack seemed reasonably comfortable with my family so small steps. smile

Yesterday was a great day... interesting too. My kids were having some sort of conflict over video game money. My D11 texted her dad about it because apparently I wasn’t fixing it for her. He started texting me telling me that S11 was driving his sister nuts and should he come and get her and take her out for dinner or keep her for the night to give her a break. So I went into D11’s room and she was in tears saying she wanted to go to dad’s to get away from her brother. I told her “no” and that she and her brother need to learn to work things out. I also suggested we go somewhere after dinner to have some fun. She was reluctant at first but then thanked me for listening and said she would like to do something. I was almost finished cooking dinner when she came out of her room and told me she was going downstairs to talk to her brother. By the time I was putting food on their plates, the crisis had been averted and they had worked out a compromise. By the end of the night, they were loving each other again and being so kind and supportive of each other. I so LOVE my kids. They really are great human beings. At the end of the night, I texted STBXH that the kids had worked things out and we had had a great night. I couldn’t resist... I also reminded him that we need to teach them that they there isn’t anything the two of them can’t work out together and that they need to do that instead of running away (i.e. STBXH’s preferred method of dealing with problems). No response but I think he probably got the message...lol.

Jack was still here yesterday so we invited him to go out with us (mini golf and bumper boats) and I was half expecting him to decline as he looked a bit reluctant. But...the mini golf place was half way to his house so he said he would take his vehicle and meet us there and then go home afterwards. We ended up having a blast and I think his comfort level around my kids (and their’s around him) increased significantly because of it. The bumper boats were hilarious. I totally forgot that they had soaker guns in them so we all got super wet. No towels so the heated seats in my car came in handy...lol. The kids are going back to their dad’s today and I am heading to Jack’s hometown to visit my friends at the lake where my sister and her husband are currently. They invited him to join us. I expected him to decline as we were together all weekend and he is uncomfortable with too many people but he surprised me again and said yes. So...this should be another interesting but hopefully fun day.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2860319
08/06/19 02:22 PM
08/06/19 02:22 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,178
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Quick update... Yesterday was a beautiful, perfect summer day. I felt very blessed to be able to spend it at an amazing lake with good friends. The morning was a bit shaky as I had told Jack the night before that I was trying to get out to the lake by around noon but no later than 12:30. I texted him a few things in the morning...what to bring, what time I would get to town and where we could meet. Still had not heard from him when I left but it is an hour drive so I wasn’t too worried. Got to town and texted him that I was there and was going into the grocery store to pick some things up. Finally got a reply at 11:56 that he just had to help his dad move a few things but shouldn’t be too long. I texted him a meeting spot and then went there to wait for him and charge my car. Exchanged a few texts with my sister who was itching to get out on the boat and was wanting me to get there. She finally texted me at 12:30 that they were heading out to another friend’s place where the boat was and I should meet them there. Still no Jack. Finally at 12:50 I get a text from him saying apologizing that he didn’t realize we were waiting for him and that he would be there in 10 minutes. Huh? Don’t you read my texts? Anyway...he was there is six minutes and we drove out to the lake. Turns out the only person in a hurry was my sister as we sat around for another half hour or so before we headed out. No one seemed like they even noticed we were late.

The time on the boat was beyond amazing. My friends used to have a ski boat but they sold it and bought one of those floating patio boats with room for about ten people so it was pretty roomy with six of us. I was nervous about how Jack would fit in but I shouldn’t have. IMO he fit in better than my XH who always seemed uncomfortable with “my people”. After a couple drinks and some initial awkwardness that always happens when you first meet someone, Jack seemed more at ease than I have seen him yet. He was even joking around with my sister and playing with her puppy (he’s allergic) and having random conversations with my BIL. The guy whose boat we were on who is usually quite gruff with people, seemed to like Jack as well and commented “you’re in buddy” when he found out they had something in common. It really could not have gone better.

After spending about six hours on the lake, we headed back to my friends’ house and spent some more time socializing and eating good food (my two favourite things) and reluctantly headed out at about 9:30 cause I had to work the next day. My friends gave Jack a warm goodbye and told us we were welcome to visit anytime. I took Jack back to where his car was parked and we ended up sitting in my car talking and laughing until I noticed it was 10:20 and I still had an hour drive ahead of me. Jack seemed really reluctant to let me go but agreed I needed to head out and asked me to text him when I got home so he knew I had made it.

I got my Tim Horton’s decaf on my way out of town and spent the drive reflecting on the day and my growing feelings for Jack and my barely existent feelings for XH. So bizarre how much my life has changed in a year. But you know what? I am happier than I was... I truly am. Yes...things could have turned out different with my marriage. My XH could have made different choices...made an effort to get back to the way we used to be...given us a chance. But he chose to reinvent himself and move on with OW to spare himself that self examination it would have required and there was nothing I could do about it. I’m okay with it now. I need someone in my life who is honest and genuine... not just with me but with himself. That is not XH. Whether or not that is Jack remains to be seen but so far, so good...well aside from his texting habits...lol. My friend at the lake has a cell but doesn’t turn it on. He and Jack are similar in that regard as much of the time, Jack doesn’t even know where his phone is...lol. Anyway...time to shower and get to work. (((HUGS))) to all! xo


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2860544
08/07/19 05:19 PM
08/07/19 05:19 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,850
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neffer Offline
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Posts: 1,850
:-)

(((DjV)))


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2860811
08/09/19 01:44 PM
08/09/19 01:44 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,178
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Small update... I had lunch with my friend who is a manager in the local school district. I thought we were getting together to chat about our lives but when i sat down at the table, she said she had ulterior motives for asking me to lunch. Apparently the school district is partnering with my Ministry to create some sort of mobile outreach counselling program in the schools. She basically told me she wants me to run it and to make sure I apply for the position when it gets posted. Of course, no guarantees... she is only one person on the hiring committee so I would need to outscore the other applicants. Anyway...at the very least, I was flattered that she thought of me.

Kid-free weekend coming up. The twins go to their dad’s this weekend. Jack is coming over tonight and spending the weekend with me. Next week I have some friends from Mexico staying with me for a couple days so I’m only working three days. After that, I am off until the kids return to school in September. I cannot believe how fast the summer is going by. Of course, I say that every year...lol.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!! xo


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2860900
08/10/19 02:27 PM
08/10/19 02:27 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,178
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Great week at work. Ended yesterday with a meeting with a mom who has been in crisis with her teenage daughter. I am doing family therapy with both of them together but asked to meet with her on her own yesterday to give her some coaching and my perspective on her parenting (good parent, paying attention to all of the wrong things). I was a bit nervous because I had some hard things I needed to address with her and I wasn’t sure how she would take it. IMO...it could not have gone better. She thanked me at the end and told me I am really helping them. Heartwarming for me to hear since they have basically been in crisis for three years and I am the third therapist they’ve seen...the only one willing to work with the two of them together rather than just the daughter. Anyway...it set me up for a great weekend.

Met my sister after work for a pedicure and then went home to find Jack waiting for me. I was going to make us some dinner but he wanted to take me out for dinner instead. We went to a pub that neither of us have been to before and had a good time laughing and talking. Watched a movie when we got back to my place and had some great sex...lol. Exchanged ILUs again and it felt more right last night than it has before. Our relationship just seems to be progressing at a nice pace and I really do love him. I still have no idea if our feelings for each other will be enough to sustain us long term but it is all we need right now. At this point, I just love being around him and look forward to our time together. I feel very blessed to have found him and to have looked past the age difference and given us a chance.

Happy weekend everyone!!! (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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