You'll get a lot of good advice here from people who have a lot of experience. The thing to keep in mind is that everyone's situations are slightly different - but the overwhelming majority of things that take place in everyone's relationships are very common.
Take time to breathe every day. Are you interested in meditating? It has helped me calm down greatly and it has eased my anxiety. I also have PTSD from my childhood and from the military. It has been significantly reduced by meditating. It is hard to do at first, but you will notice its effects after a week or so.
Also - if you find yourself starting to feel emotional around your W - remove yourself from her vicinity and get emotional somewhere you can be alone. This takes some getting used to but it is a good habit to develop and it will save you the indignity of seeing your W get disgusted with your feelings.
Realize that she is not having the same feelings as you. In her mind there is no R anymore - she has moved on already. This is hard to accept and it will take some time, but the sooner you can accept it the better you will feel.
Your emotions will be on a rollercoaster for a while. Controlling them is a struggle but it can be done. This takes time. Be patient with yourself and take care of yourself.
I see you are in IC - that's a good thing. Keep going. It will help you greatly.
If there are any questions you have feel free to ask. These are really great people here who want to help you.
Take care and stay strong!
Thanks Ironwill. Before I signed up for the forum, I was reading it daily and always find myself scrolling to those success stories because it is what I want - deep down I know I have to focus on my daughter and myself. The first week, there was just a lot of tears, begging, pleading and reassurance - all the stuff I wasn't supposed to do. I know I can't change the way she feels about me at the moment but I can change myself. That is what I read ALOT.
I have a neighbor who she told last week about my sitch. They finally talked to me yesterday when W wasn't home because I was walking my dogs to keep busy and they were sitting on the porch. They talked to me for about a good hour. They are both older couple, retired. But it is good to know that they don't approve my W behavior. When W told them about it, my neighbors ask for her to try and work it out, give him another chance - tried to talk some sense into her. They said she was stone cold, a confident "No, I'm done with him." But just having them talk to me about it and telling me what she is doing is wrong felt good. They also let me know they have a spare bedroom if I ever needed it.
I think I can take on meditating. It seems calming and peaceful. I am willing to do anything that will keep my mind busy. I try my hardest to realize that she is not having the same feelings as I am but I am still in a bit of denial and it comes and bite me in my rear hard.
I've been going to IC for a couple years now for treatment from the military. It helps out a lot to have a lending ear and vent out everything. Probably because I am also on medication.
Haha your Mom wouldn't have the new number but your aunt would? Makes perfect sense! *eyeroll*
The saying here is to believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
I know right. That night she finally texted my mom her new number. The hard thing is my mom adores her like crazy. I have 4 brothers and a sister who lives in the same state as my parents (CA), 2 of my brothers married. I live in the Midwest due to where the military brought me and stayed here because I grew accustom to it. But my mom would call my W almost daily just to talk instead of my siblings or their spouse that lives in the same city. She is going to be heartbroken when she finds out.
You'll get a lot of good advice here from people who have a lot of experience. The thing to keep in mind is that everyone's situations are slightly different - but the overwhelming majority of things that take place in everyone's relationships are very common.
Take time to breathe every day. Are you interested in meditating? It has helped me calm down greatly and it has eased my anxiety. I also have PTSD from my childhood and from the military. It has been significantly reduced by meditating. It is hard to do at first, but you will notice its effects after a week or so.
Also - if you find yourself starting to feel emotional around your W - remove yourself from her vicinity and get emotional somewhere you can be alone. This takes some getting used to but it is a good habit to develop and it will save you the indignity of seeing your W get disgusted with your feelings.
Realize that she is not having the same feelings as you. In her mind there is no R anymore - she has moved on already. This is hard to accept and it will take some time, but the sooner you can accept it the better you will feel.
Your emotions will be on a rollercoaster for a while. Controlling them is a struggle but it can be done. This takes time. Be patient with yourself and take care of yourself.
I see you are in IC - that's a good thing. Keep going. It will help you greatly.
If there are any questions you have feel free to ask. These are really great people here who want to help you.
Take care and stay strong!
Originally Posted by Leo22
Thanks Ironwill. Before I signed up for the forum, I was reading it daily and always find myself scrolling to those success stories because it is what I want - deep down I know I have to focus on my daughter and myself. The first week, there was just a lot of tears, begging, pleading and reassurance - all the stuff I wasn't supposed to do. I know I can't change the way she feels about me at the moment but I can change myself. That is what I read ALOT.
Yes - there are a lot of things that will help you here. The first thing that is the hardest is detachment. I would call it loving detachment - because you are choosing to let your W live how she wants to live without any expectations from you. You are letting her work through her own problems without getting involved emotionally. It's also to protect you - to help keep you grounded in a sea of chaos. Cadet's welcome thread goes over it better than I can explain it here.
Another thing that is very important is to extend your timeline. A lot. If you are thinking in days or weeks, think months or even possibly years before things may (perhaps) start to come around. I've been in my sit for 11 months now, others have been for much longer than myself.
At some point you will get to the place where you realize that you don't NEED your W around, but you would LIKE it if she would choose to be with you. you might change and do everything possible to be a better person and she might still walk. We can't conrol other people's behavior. All we can do is be the best that we possibly can and hope they see it.
Originally Posted by Leo22
I have a neighbor who she told last week about my sitch. They finally talked to me yesterday when W wasn't home because I was walking my dogs to keep busy and they were sitting on the porch. They talked to me for about a good hour. They are both older couple, retired. But it is good to know that they don't approve my W behavior. When W told them about it, my neighbors ask for her to try and work it out, give him another chance - tried to talk some sense into her. They said she was stone cold, a confident "No, I'm done with him." But just having them talk to me about it and telling me what she is doing is wrong felt good. They also let me know they have a spare bedroom if I ever needed it.
It's good they offered you a place to stay - that's peace of mind. Just don't expect them to change her mind. For right now that's how she is thinking.
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I think I can take on meditating. It seems calming and peaceful. I am willing to do anything that will keep my mind busy. I try my hardest to realize that she is not having the same feelings as I am but I am still in a bit of denial and it comes and bite me in my rear hard.
Don't worry if you "mess up". It takes a bit to get used to this weird world of counterintuition. But you'll get the hang of it. It takes a loooooooooooooot of patience.
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I've been going to IC for a couple years now for treatment from the military. It helps out a lot to have a lending ear and vent out everything. Probably because I am also on medication.
Thanks for the words of encouragement!
Yeah IC has helped me a lot with the PTSD. I needed it a long time ago but better late than never.
Its been a little over about a month and a half since my sitch. I don't get my current state of my W. She was cold as ice this morning. Didn't say a word to me this morning at the house before leaving to work, no good morning or acknowledgement of any sort. Than when I get to work, she calls me roughly 30 minutes later and sounds all perky and talked for a few minutes. Its been like this for 2-3 weeks now, a vicious cycle. Thankfully, she will be gone for 5 days this week camping with my "Aunt" and I believe some of her friends. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't know if their is any types of affair going on but I have this nasty gut feeling. Than the second week of August, she is moving out. I think this will make it easier on me when I don't see her everyday. I mean that is what I tell myself, but I guess I have to see when the time comes.
So what are your plans? GAL plans?? How are your 180s coming?
You need to detach and get out of this unhealthy codependency or you will be emotionally crippled for life.
I need to start more on that Steve. The wounds are so fresh still that its difficult at the moment. I have my good and bad days. Some days I am just happy and upbeat and than comes the thunder the next day. Its crazy. The only plan I have this week is going to see a movie Friday night with my D. Than Saturday she is actually going to have a sleepover at a friends house so I have Saturday night and Sunday to myself. No plans yet but need to figure out something to keep busy besides the gym and walking my dogs. My 180s are coming, I give her small compliments here and there. I am more mellow and calm, I walk away when I feel she is baiting me into an argument after telling her calmly that I don't want to talk about it at the moment. Before she use to hook me into arguments all the time. It usually ends with us ignoring each other for a day or so. I don't initiate contact unless she does it first. Just small baby steps at the moment. Overall, she seems more friendly towards me that's about the only thing.
Its been a little over about a month and a half since my sitch. I don't get my current state of my W. She was cold as ice this morning. Didn't say a word to me this morning at the house before leaving to work, no good morning or acknowledgement of any sort. Than when I get to work, she calls me roughly 30 minutes later and sounds all perky and talked for a few minutes. Its been like this for 2-3 weeks now, a vicious cycle. Thankfully, she will be gone for 5 days this week camping with my "Aunt" and I believe some of her friends. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't know if their is any types of affair going on but I have this nasty gut feeling. Than the second week of August, she is moving out. I think this will make it easier on me when I don't see her everyday. I mean that is what I tell myself, but I guess I have to see when the time comes.
Try not to worry about her. Don't give her actions control over your attitude, thoughts, and feelings. It truly works this way. Attitude ---- thoughts ---- feelings. You have power over your emotions, you have the power to be happy!
And I would trust your gut. 99.9% of the situations here involve an affair. I'd stop answering her calls for a bit. Maybe text back a couple hours later and say "Missed your call, what's up?". Sometimes don't bother to call back. And every once in a while maybe you answer but act like you just walked out of somewhere and make the call quick, with you ending it first. She is moving out, which means she doesn't want to be around you, so SHOW her that she doesn't get you when she wants you.
It will be easier when you don't see her everyday. I'd make yourself much less available to her in the meantime.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Try not to worry about her. Don't give her actions control over your attitude, thoughts, and feelings. It truly works this way. Attitude ---- thoughts ---- feelings. You have power over your emotions, you have the power to be happy!
And I would trust your gut. 99.9% of the situations here involve an affair. I'd stop answering her calls for a bit. Maybe text back a couple hours later and say "Missed your call, what's up?". Sometimes don't bother to call back. And every once in a while maybe you answer but act like you just walked out of somewhere and make the call quick, with you ending it first. She is moving out, which means she doesn't want to be around you, so SHOW her that she doesn't get you when she wants you.
It will be easier when you don't see her everyday. I'd make yourself much less available to her in the meantime.
Its just weird that when I think about it. Before the BD, most the time I didn't care what she did or whereabouts - now the news break and I'm running around like a chicken with my head off. I need to get my confidence back up to where I respect myself. I also would like to get my social life back and spend more time with my D. We didn't have to much of a social life before - more home bodied folks. I have a lot of military friends who come and go and we always sort of pick friends we'd like to hang out with due to trying to stay drama free. Now most of them are gone. I almost feel like the new kid at school who is trying to find new friends to hang out with. Lately I met a few people at late night rooftop hang out food spots, which is pretty chill and relaxing. I will most likely go do that Saturday night.
I will trying my best about responding later if not emergency about text messaging and not picking up every call. But I still get suckered in somehow when she wants to be in the same vicinity as me. Like you mentioned, I need to be more unavailable when she tries to reach me. Its hard to GAL on the weekdays, it just usually consist of work & gym than whatever errands I got afterwards. I try to stay busy for the most part so my mind doesn't wonder.
ovr gave you great advice on the text/phone -- randomize your response time. Sometimes wait a long time, sometimes don't. It is mysterious. The idea is not to go completely cold, just respond like you would to a friend or a neighbor. If it's not urgent, no need to respond urgently.
What can you do to have more time with your D?
GAL is not a competition, don't feel like you need to be doing "more" GAL necessarily. If all you have time for during the week is gym, that is the #1 recommended GAL activity for men (it seems). Being more social I think is excellent GAL - gets you talking to other people, gives you perspective on life.
Meditation is really hard to dive into in the middle of a sitch, because our minds are ping-ponging around in fight or flight mode. But if you can do it... it truly helps a ton. I cannot recommend it enough, it just takes a lot of perseverance because for a long time it feels pointless, frustrating, and you can't measure progress. But over time, if you stick to it, you will understand your emotions better, be able to handle the intensity of the anxiety and worry and sadness without relying on other coping mechanisms... it's just good stuff. I use a meditation app on my phone -- I prefer the guided meditations because silent meditation is virtually impossible for me to do without going crazy.
