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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hi Devvo, thanks for the support. Interesting that your h may be dragging it out over his guilt. Either way, as long as you are ok with status quo and your finances are protected, then all you can do is live your best life.

Job, thank you. I already feel lighter knowing the end will be here soon. I’m actually like giddy-excited. Finally!


With that, I’m just a few days shy of 4 years physical separation! 4! Omg! I still don’t feel settled in my apartment and my dwelling is still set up like a temporary pit stop but that’s ok. I just renewed my lease for another 10 months. I can’t wait to see where I’ll be in 10 months. I remember my first night away in my first apartment. I can remember the exact feeling. It was like everything was moving in slow motion. I remember cooking my first dinner on the stove and reaching in slow motion for every ingredient and utensil. I made a whole box of pasta. Hahaha. I was used to cooking for two and having leftovers! I could barely eat back then, let alone a whole box of angel hair! It’s funny to me now. As always it’s nice to reflect how far I’ve come and I’m grateful that so many of those tortured heart sick moments are in the past.

Speaking of, ex doesn’t get much of my head space anymore. However, every now and again I’ll get my psychoanalyser out and make-up where he might be at. It’s interesting to me that he still harbors so much anger/ hatred towards me. While I’ll never know for sure, I think he has to hold on to that anger to continue to justify his actions. Could be very wrong. But I remember back when I was a teenager, my dad and I used to argue a lot. I was very independent and as the oldest daughter, he was very protective. We were at odds a lot. He was strict and I would get mad over something petty and I explicitly remember trying to hold on to the anger to prove a point. Even if it wasn’t real, I still had to act like I was still pissed or whatever I was feeling at the time in order to hold my ground as a mature young woman (hehehe).

That’s obviously something I grew out of, but I was questioning if that’s something my ex has been doing. I mean other than wanting a fair divorce, I have done nothing to him. In all honesty, if he’s mad at anyone, it should be himself because I’m not in his life at all.how can he be mad at me 4 YEARS later?

Anyway, just a Monday musing.

I have a busy week ahead and a fun weekend. I’m looking forward to the activities coming up.

Have a great day!

Last edited by Pax_luv; 06/03/19 08:23 PM.

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Originally Posted by Pax_luv
I can’t wait to see where I’ll be in 10 months.


Heck yea Pax! I’m excited for you! I think you are in for some big, positive changes over the next year. It’s going to be exciting!

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He's mad because he thought dumping you would make him happy and guess what? He's still not!

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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hey pin!! Yes! The freedom will be exciting. Xoxo

Kml- you’re probably right. Also, one day I would like the validation that he feels he made a huge mistake. Wishful and selfish thinking on my part.... gotta let that go. The outcome doesn’t change for me.

With that, just a little midday verbal venting—-

There’s some paperwork that needs to be done in order to get the settlement process going. My ex is supposed to initiate it. I’m perturbed that my lawyer is the one initiating it and then sending it to ex and his L to actually fill out. If my lawyer doesn’t do it, they’ll just sit on it and not act. Much like the bifurcation. I’m now 14 months post bifurcation with no court papers submitted bc they haven’t done it.

So, yes, I want this to get moving but why am I paying my lawyer to do their work??? Do you think it’s intentional so I have to pay more or do you think they’re that inactive/lazy?

Also, when I got the house appraised on my own, I got the report back for my use only. I paid for it because they wouldn’t help. So his lawyer is trying to get a court order for me to share the appriasal. Ummm no. There’s some legal stipulation that I don’t have to. Anyway, there’s threats from their side... blah blah.

I make up that my ex is going to say that it’s a bias appraisal anyway, much like he did for everything else- the CPA etc.


Grrr go away, ex!!!


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Pax_luv Offline OP
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June tends to be a particularly reflective month since it’s the month I moved out of the house four years ago. I don’t feel any sadness over it, it’s not really an anniversary or milestone... it just is a time-marker.

I have been working so hard at my job the last two weeks and when I got home from work yesterday, I passed out on the couch. I woke up two hours later and ended up going to bed a few hours later than usual since I was rested. Well.... I ended up not being able to fall asleep until 5am. Decided I would arrive at work late and allowed myself to wake up at 9am.

Being so groggy, I’m not in the best of moods and am feeling a little resentful... ok a lot resentful. I need to shift my thinking because it’s robbing my focus today. So here I go to vent a little...

I have two small chips in my car windshield. I know I should get them filled, but it’s not a priority. Driving to work today and looking at those chips was a trigger.

As I’ve eluded several times in my story telling, ex made me get rid of my dream car for the car i have now. He said he needed to get all assets out of his name because he was in a lawsuit and he needed to prove he had nothing to give should he lose the lawsuit. He was hiding cash, sold off other assets including a townhouse, etc. he wanted me to declare bankruptcy with him. Actually he told me we’d have to declare bankruptcy, but not to worry because we weren’t actually bankrupt, it was only supposed to look like we were bankrupt. He said, it would only be on record for 7 years and our lifestyle wouldn’t change except we wouldn’t be able to go on vacation for a couple years.

Thank god in heaven I was adamantly opposed to fraud. I refused. Looking back, i could have had a REal Housewives of New Jersey situation on our hands (if you get the reference). Thank god he didn’t manipulate me into filing bankruptcy- even though he was trying—- “we need to do it for us. For our future”. F you, ex! The compromise was that I would get a new car in my name only. I didn’t want to, but one day he drove us to the lot after marriage counseling and we got the car. In my heart, it wasn’t right, but I was soooo stupid. we were having issues but even though I wasn’t going to commit fraud, I needed to show i still had his back so I got the car in my name. Dumb dumb dumb dumb.

Two weeks later, I got the ILYBINILWY and that was that. I was getting ready to move out because I loved him and would do anything to make it work. He wanted space. He wanted to “miss me.” So I made the ultimate sacrifice “for us” and I moved out because the house would be a lot for me to take care of on my own. My ex made sure I knew that.

So, then I was on my own with a $500 a month car payment that I didn’t want nor could I afford.... and he was sitting pretty at the house bankrolling another women’s abortion. He had to help her because she was a struggling actress and it would ruin her career. <——- there aren’t enough expletives to explain how I felt/feel about this.

And yet....there I was.... struggling to make ends meet, filled with immense gratitude that I didn’t commit fraud because I would be totally screwed trying to make it on my own with a bankruptcy attached to me.

Here I am 4 years later still unable to move on bc of what he has done to me financially. I know my lawyer is working on it, but I’m stuck. I hate him.

He no longer robs me of joy, but I get those moments where I’m mostly mad at myself for putting up with so much crap for so long... and then being the root of his unhappiness.


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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hello. Checking in...
My posts are getting spread further and further apart. It’s good.

I find myself popping in because today would have been my 9 year wedding anniversary. I’ve officially gone through this day 5 times since ex and I split and this is the first year I’m not saddened by it at all. Progress!

Current state- Still not divorced. Still haven’t received the bifurcation papers from April 2018. Insane. We have a mandatory settlement conference scheduled at the end of the year. For some reason ex recently pushed to get it done in the next 30 days. I definitely don’t see it happening.

Since ex was sanctioned, and is now covering some of my legal fees, I am finding it slightly easier to breathe. I can afford my bills right now and that’s also progress. Now if only I could start saving up and get some vacay in there!

I’ll be honest, to this day I still get a little perturbed, jealous, angry that ex has gone through this unscathed. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s a side I don’t see at all, but he seems to be doing well. I feel like he just chewed me up and spit me out and went on his merry way. That’s a little hard for me to wrap my brain around. Never once have I felt even a slight degree of uncertainty or remorse. It’s odd. I would understand if I was this heinous person who abused him, but I wasn’t and it has been hard to process it all.

Also, people would say that the fact he’s been sanctioned by the judge three times demonstrates that he didn’t get away unscathed, but it doesn’t seem proportionate to what he has done. Especially what he has done to me financially- during the marriage and even after. He wrote checks in my name totalling roughly 30k to his sister... and she cashed them knowing they weren’t written by me (obviously that was pre-meditated). He made me go in debt over a car I didn’t want, he tried to say my paycheck didn’t go to the mortgage therefore I have no rights to the house. And I’ve had to fight ALL of this. It’s been so exhausting. And here he is sitting pretty. Since we’ve separated, he’s purchased 2 investment properties, multiple vehicles, etc. there’s even (another) new Range Rover in the driveway.

Ha! What financial restraining order? The rules don’t apply to him. And so far (with the exception of those sanctions )the court doesn’t really seem to care.

All that makes me seem bitter and I guess I am because this financial piece is the last piece I need to move on... I mean really move on. Well, other than 100% firming up dog custody.

Ahh.... this process really does take a long time, but as everyone says, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And for anyone new here, PROTECT YOUR FINANCES!!!! Don’t second guess it.


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Why oh why are you trying to get this done before 10 years of marriage? You know that after ten years of marriage, you can collect spousal benefits on his social security if its higher than you own benefits. Better yet, if he dies you can claim widows benefits!

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Ahhhhh Pax... you are getting there. Hope it will all be over for you soon. Your story is crazy though! Glad their was no sadness with the anniversary. Progress progress progress!

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sorry honey and listen to kml xoxoxo

also bizarre as this may sound, don't take this personally ... it's about him. you will be ok and you are still in your 30s - plenty of time to take care of yourself on the finances front.

Last edited by bttrfly; 07/25/19 12:08 PM.

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"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hey guys,
I’m not at all worried about getting to that 10 year mark. We’ve been going through this divorce longer than we’ve been married, I’m just trying to re-coup what I invested in the house and my legal fees and of course equal custody of my dog (if not more!).

I have a good job and can take care of myself just fine (that is, when I’m not paying out 3k a month in legal fees).

Anyway, it was about a month ago that he was rushing to get this done in 30 days and so far.... not a peep. I guess that’s to be expected. Whatevs!

I’ve noticed even more shifting in myself the last few months. I’m no longer afraid of him. I’m not willing to walk on eggshells around him out of fear of his threats. Ahhh progress. I am mindful of approaching him for my own sanity.... as in..,. I just don’t want to deal with him and the backlash, but he no longer terrifies me.

I do have to send him an email about the dog schedule today. I need to adjust my dates on two occasions. I used to be fearful that even asking to adjust would cause me to look like I’m not capable of taking care of my dog, but I know that’s not accurate. We’ll shall see how he responds.

Have a nice week everyone!


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