so, things continue pretty much as they were. There's a general atmosphere of friendliness between H and me when we see each other. Childcare and finances worked out amicably. I feel less wary around him, and he is doing a very careful job of respecting my boundaries. I can see he wants to be helpful to me and offers to do practical things above and beyond his responsibilities as a parent, and sometimes I take him up on that and sometimes I don't, and it feels okay. There have been one or two bumps in the road - misunderstandings about diary clashes or differences in parenting decisions - but without exception these past few weeks we have dealt with them through adult, calm and rational conversation. I've really appreciated that and told him so.
I've been concentrating more on my own life - connections with friends, making some improvements in the house, my work. Now and again I make a decision or a change in the house without asking or consulting with him, and half of the time it feels good and half of the time it feels really sad. I'm more than capable of running and managing and financing my own life, but now and again there are these little reminders that while we're friendly and co-operative, we're not currently a couple or in a marriage relationship and it is appropriate I take these decisions on my own without consulting with him and that's freeing and sad at the same time.
There are some financial matters to do with insurance that need discussing. He opted for some products that have no tie-in, so we can change our minds at any point without paying additional fees. And is splitting the cost 50/50. I guess that's the pattern we're in at the moment - a kind of holding pattern that either of us could get out of pretty easily at any time.
I am continuing with IC and finding it very helpful. I am finding it easier to manage my emotions - especially anger and anxiety and sadness - and feeling more confident in setting boundaries with myself and others with my children, at work and with H.
Something I am reflecting on this week is the difference between deception and privacy. I don't know much about H's social life and there's no reason that I would right now. Ditto he for mine. I am behaving as a married woman and don't see men socially alone. I have no idea what his boundaries are on that right now and it doesn't actually concern me that much. But there's a lot I keep from H for my own sense of self protection. He has no access to my current account and doesn't know I've been saving quite hard since he moved out. He doesn't know most of my friends, especially some new ones that have become really important to me. He knows nothing at all about my spiritual or religious life. I don't really talk to my friends about the marriage situation - other than one or two trusted female friends. My parents don't know H is living elsewhere, most of my work colleagues don't know. Sometimes I think I am pretending and living a lie and not being open and honest and having authentic relationships, and at other times I think I am having good boundaries and being private. I am not sure what the difference is and what the best decisions are here. Does anyone have any experience on this to share?
I think with telling people if you are a private person like me you will only tell people as and when you feel comfortable. It took me a couple of months to start telling people close to me and I did it in a trickle. Part of the reason was shame and embarrassment, but mainly because I’m a private person. Good luck!
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
My experience is I know my W has told a lot of people that I've been unfaithful and is getting a D. I know she's shown her sister, brother, and at least 1 of her friends all the evidence. She is not broadcasting it on FB at all though. She told me she will not do that.
This is the thing. Lots of people don't know the full story yet. I think it's normal to feel like you are hiding something. You will get new friends and so will he.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
I was glad to read your update today. It sounds like you are settling in and becoming more accepting and comfortable in your life without him. That is good to read. It is also good for newcomers to see that things do change and improve, albeit slowly or at times painfully, and we still move forward without them or the M. I think you are learning why we call this new way of life a marathon and not a sprint -- it takes a very, very long time for this stuff to unfold. I am glad he is being respectful and no longer making things difficult for you or the kids. Hopefully he is doing some self reflection and personal healing.
I don't see anything inauthentic about your decision to not share everything with him or your new friends and family, not at all! This is your life and you don't owe anyone explanations or answers. I think privacy and self preservation are healthy and normal. It is okay to say you don't feel like talking about something when asked or even answer that it's a private matter. There is a reason that you are not sharing and it may not feel safe for you for whatever reason. Trust your gut. You are doing great!
I am worried about Dilly tho. She never came back in the last month, did she?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi Alison. I agree with what others have said. Who you tell and what you tell is entirely up to you and what is within your comfort zone. I’ve never been a super private person...my mom was and I remember she was horrified by me on occasion as I was the kid who would sit next to a stranger on a plane and tell them my life story. I think there are positives and negatives to that. The positive is that when you share things like this with other people, you get a lot of support and it feels less shameful as you will be surprised how many people have similar stories of their own. It also helps to make things more real and for me, it helped move me toward acceptance much quicker than I would have if I had kept everything to myself. The negative, which does not apply to my sitch, is that if you do decide to R, people in the know may or may not support you with this depending on how much of an a$$hole your spouse was to you during the process. I know in my sitch, my friends might support me but would think that I had lost my mind and self respect. On occasion, I have considered making a proclamation on FB about my divorce and my cheating spouse (during some of my more angry moments) but I know I would regret that at some point...he is still the father of my children and they deserve to have a good relationship with their dad even if he does not deserve it. So...maintaining a positive co-parenting relationship is my priority now even though there is a part of me that would love for him to get hit by the karma bus. Choosing better not bitter...lol. That phrase has saved me so many times!!!
Keep up the good work Alison. You are doing great! (((HUGS)))
Thanks everyone. It is good to check in here - my question wasn't really to do with H - I see that when I read it back - but about me, and the healthiest way to live my own values and boundaries. I don't think I realised how much I've come on and grown until I re-read my last post and realised my intentions and hopes were really about myself, and not about having any particular effect on him. I want to be honest and have authentic relationships - perhaps one day with H. I also want to have good self protective boundaries and be selective about the people I trust. I am not letting H be emotionally close to me right now, though I do see him more often and we occasionally share a cup of tea together while going over our diaries and working things out re the kids. At times it feels like we're colleagues, or distant relatives. That is fine for now.
Blu - I never heard back from Dilly. Not 97Hope either. I think of them both very often. The three of us hung out here together and were probably as bad as each other in many ways (I mean that kindly and with a lot of self deprecation) and I feel the loss of their kind hearts posting to my thread.
Must catch up on other people's situations. It's been a while. Work has been busy and I find myself more and more involved with my own life, rather than examining the wreckage of my marriage. I think that's positive too.
I don't think I realised how much I've come on and grown until I re-read my last post and realised my intentions and hopes were really about myself, and not about having any particular effect on him. I want to be honest and have authentic relationships - perhaps one day with H. I also want to have good self protective boundaries and be selective about the people I trust.
I hope R2C adds this to his quote thread. So well stated.
It is hard to struggle with wanting authenticity and honesty at the same time you are experiencing a huge upheaval to your life that requires keeping people at arm's distance. It's also hard to change the dynamic of pre-existing relationships.
I like to think of authenticity as something that happens naturally when one lives completely in touch with one's values. It does not mean being open to all. When I think of it this way, it removes the pressure to "seek out" authenticity in relationships, and instead let it just happen naturally.
Whether or not that makes sense, your posts make it sound like you are on the right track.
That makes a lot of sense to me. I guess I'm reflecting on this because it is a change for me. I wasn't authentic in my marriage. I went along with a lot of stuff I didn't like because I wanted to placate my H, or because I thought there was something wrong with me when I had preferences different from his - a view he encouraged.
We bumped into this again this week. H is concerned about Youngest's school work. I don't know exactly why - and I have asked - given that both of her teachers are very pleased with her progress and have said she's in the top of her class group. She does her homework and I get good reports on her work and behaviour at school. I've seen both of her teachers once or twice in the last six months and do homework with her daily. H isn't really involved in the day to day, hasn't met her teachers and doesn't do homework with her. Despite this he's convinced he knows better and she's behind. Based on what I do not know.
I'm pretty annoyed he's raised this with her and damaged her confidence. In the past I would have stayed silent, agreed with him to keep the peace, or felt upset and guilty because somehow it was my fault that she wasn't doing well enough at school. I noticed a change in myself in how I handled it.
I said, 'look, if you're concerned, you're welcome to speak to her teacher, but I am not concerned, I am in touch with her teachers who have told me she is doing really well and aren't worried about her work, and I don't think telling her that you don't think she's doing well enough is in her best interests at all. So I don't want to have this conversation with you again and I am asking that you don't tell Youngest you think she's doing badly because she isn't,' and I've held that boundary. Obviously I can't control how he speaks to Youngest, but I have made a clear request to him and I will have to leave it at that.
I'm a bit rattled by it and I can't figure out why. He has very exacting standards, but instead of taking action (like making an appointment with her teacher, or deciding to hire a tutor, or spending more time than he does (none) on doing her homework with her, he prefers to dump his complaints on me - and when I'm not available for that - on our child. I think that's hugely inappropriate. I don't want to over-react to this and I am okay with how I've handled it so far, but it is a very clear sign to me that at times he's still in that mindset of controlling, whining, complaining and dumping when he feels anxious about something rather than soothing himself and taking appropriate positive action. I also feel a bit anxious and triggered - remembering how bloody awful my life was when it was all about making sure he was happy and the kids were behaving exactly as he wanted them to. I'm never going to go back to that life. And I am not sure he really knows how to be happy unless his anxieties are soothed by the compliance of those around him. I hope for his sake he manages to resolve that some day, but today I am mainly grateful I don't have to be doing that any more.
Aww Alison. Look at you. So strong and calm and together. Good for you. You’ve taken back Alison from the chaos and drama. It’s uplifting to read. It’s liberating when you drop that rope and free yourself from the expectations and the dancing around to try to keep them on an even keel.
You handled the school thing perfectly I think. I suspect his motivations are complex. There’s a bit of chest beating Going on. I’m the man of the house. You don’t appear to need me so I’ll show you that you need me for something whilst I work out why it’s all slipping away from me. I’ll throw you a problem to see if you still need me. There’s usually a bit of your not the boss of me going on as well. He’ll think what he likes. And some arrogance. He’s right, you’re wrong.
Glad you didn’t get drawn in. Shows strength. Boundaries show strength. I bet he’s noticed and it’ll start him wondering.
I feel much more settled. Being rattled and annoyed only lasted for a couple of hours. Co-parenting will be like this - sometimes we will disagree and he's free to take action (like getting a tutor, or taking a more hand-on role with the homework, or speaking to the teachers) if as her parent he sees fit to do so. What is no longer on his menu of options is to berate and moan and complain at me about it, and I have total control over that. It is such a relief. I used to really care if he thought I was a bad parent or failing my children or not acting in their best interests. But now I know I am doing what I think is best, and if and when I make a mistake I will correct it, and that's good enough and his opinion of me isn't really any of my business nor of particular interest.
If this is dropping the rope, how does piecing work? I can't imagine ever wanting to be in a relationship where my job is to convince someone else of my worthiness of love and respect ever again. I don't plan on doing that with him or with anyone else. Does that mean I will be spending the rest of my time alone?
