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may22 #2883601 02/02/20 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by may22
Hi Alison,

Just had a couple of thoughts to share with you which you can take or leave... one, the parenting thing is so, so difficult, especially in a situation where you're worried about your child. I can imagine that for both of you it brings up strong emotions and is difficult to navigate. Your H seems like he has some real issues of his own that are brought out by your eldest, and while I'm 100% in your corner on the best way to handle the parenting issues, I'm sure it is super hard for your H who doesn't have a lot of coping mechanisms for himself as it is. Kudos to you for not responding with panic or anger. I wonder if contempt is swinging a bit too far in the other direction and eventually you can settle somewhere in the middle where you can better help your H respond appropriately to your child. Also, I wonder if part of your subconscious reasoning to stick it out with your H (at least for the moment) is so that you are present to temper those responses and can support your child. (And maybe I'm reading way too much into all of this... again, for you to take or leave, just an observation from my vantage point.)

Another thought-- even though H is not working together with you as you'd like in selecting an MC, I think it is probably a good thing that he's interested in doing it, and also probably a good thing to keep his IC for him alone so that he has someone 100% there for him. Maybe eventually there will be issues that can come up in MC that he agrees to work on in IC (like the mimicking voices, etc.). Can you do your own research and suggest MCs you'd be willing to see? Also, just for clarification-- is he stopping his IC altogether, or just the idea of you seeing her together?

Hoping your day tomorrow is fun whether he tags along or not!


These are good points. Yes - H does clearly have issues with communication. I'm not sure I WANT to help him respond appropriately. There are books, classes, IC, various other resources he can draw on. I've managed to work my 180s in parenting without his assistance. If there was something I was doing or not doing that made it difficult for him, then yes, I'd want to hear about that so I could act in supportive ways. But I don't take responsibility for his behaviour and I can't take any responsibility for managing it or stopping it either. I guess it would be different if he was saying, 'when I get angry, I just behave like a complete Dingle sometimes - I really need to work on that,' as that would be music to my ears and I'd be as supportive as I could be. I don't expect him to be perfect. But he isn't capable of that level of self awareness or vulnerability. When he acts abusively it's generally someone else's fault and in his view the answer is that I or Eldest should not trigger it. Abuser's 101. I don't accept that. And yes, the contempt is swinging me too far in the other direction and I am at a loss as to how to handle that. A lot of the behaviours I was subject to this time last year have gone, but when they rear they ugly heads I am responding in an entirely different way and I think that is adding to the distance between us. I'm not weeping and placating any more and I see it for what it is: the flailing around of a rather immature man who isn't mature enough to look inwards. I wish I could feel compassion for that as I think it would help our marriage and if anyone has any suggestions to help me get to that place I am listening.

On your second point: when H moved out last year for the first three or four months he had little to no contact with Eldest and lavished care and attention on Youngest. Eventually he started a more cordial relationship with Eldest where there were some nice conversations and affection when he picked up or dropped off Youngest, and he started doing some actual parenting of Youngest - homework, school uniform cleaning, school drop off, rather than it all being fun time. That was an improvement. I don't know what the future holds, but I imagine if I BDd H and he moved out he'd really not make much of an effort to connect with and spend time with Eldest. These days I worry more about the effect the emotional neglect has on Eldest and the obvious favouritism rather than the abuse. I believe it's nothing to do with Eldest, but about H's sense of inadequacy about being able to communicate with a young man (Youngest is a child and so much easier to control) but I don't know if Eldest sees it that way - I know in the past he's felt very unfairly treated and rejected by H and I can see why. H doesn't have much to do with Eldest day to day: I'm the one who has the conversations about school work, is up to date with his friends, where he's going, which of his teachers he has trouble with. H doesn't really know him any more. It's been about three years since he attended a parent teacher conference, for example. I don't think he'd be able to name any of his friends. His knowledge of Eldest is basically a laundry list of complaints and improvements he believes he needs to make. It's sad. I try to build Eldest's self esteem daily while also setting positive boundaries appropriately. Eldest is in therapy and I've seen great improvements in his mood the last few months.

H has decided he isn't going to see his IC anymore. He used to go weekly, but that tailed away to fortnightly, three weekly. I don't know if that was a plan between them as suited his needs and goals, or due to his own lack of commitment. I agree that his IC is for him only and he needs to decide who and how often and it isn't much to do with me. I don't ask about it and have little to no knowledge of what they discussed. In terms of an MC, I'd want to be involved with who we chose to go and see. Because the glimmers of self awareness that H was showing in the summer seem to have dried up entirely, I don't really understand what he wants to work on in MC. He actually forwarded me one of the emails he'd received from a therapist last night, but she was very clear that she didn't see couples. I am confused about what he was asking. Approval from me on his choice of IC? That's not mine to give and none of my business. I did - last year - send him a list of MCs I would be willing to see and said he was welcome to choose any of them, but the one he did choose ended up seeing him on his own as she didn't think he was ready to have MC. I have no idea if she's worked with him to the point that she believes he's ready or not. When I ask him, I get one word or evasive answers. I replied to the email just stating that this therapist didn't do couples work. He hasn't responded as yet. I think it's likely that he didn't read the email or take in the information rather than there was any game-playing at work. He tends to get overwhelmed by conversations, long emails or text and doesn't really take in the detail.

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Gosh Alison, that is hard to deal with. I have kept up with your sitch but not posted for a while. If ever a couple needed MC, it's you two. Marriage is hard and communication is tough, but particularly with your H. I think though that you did have MC a while ago if I remember rightly? It's a bit of a red flag that your H is not going to IC any more (or he is finding a new one? In which case that's probably positive?) You sound like you both want more but don't know how to get there, and you seem to have doubts that your H is capable of getting there. He HAS shown progress though, and it sounds like you have been reinforcing his efforts, that's a positive thing.

I have no advice, just sending some hugs and hope that you two both get to MC and it can start moving things in a positive direction.

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Last edited by job; 02/04/20 02:57 PM. Reason: added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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