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A Message from Michele
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Turn the Page #2857612
07/18/19 08:21 PM
07/18/19 08:21 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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For those playing the at-home version, I'm moving on to a new thread since the old one was at 99 posts. Not that I anticipate a flood of posts added to that one, but you never know. LOL It is easier to just move on now, so in the immortal words of Mr. Bob Seger, I'm turning the page. Here's what happened before:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2841624#Post2841624

I was going to start this post by saying what a sh!t show some things have been lately, but I again decided to rely on Bob Seger and just turn the page and roll on. I choose to focus on some good things that have happened, particularly today.

I have planned a girls' trip with my mom, sis and niece to go visit my aunt for my mom's birthday and I'm so looking forward to it. My aunt and uncle live in Houston and they have a nice house with a pool, so it should be a nice, relaxing little get-away. My sister is going to drive and I will navigate so that will be relaxing too, since the GPS can do most of the work there.

Had a GREAT talk with my boss this morning. Part of the sh!t show has been budget issues on our campus, but he was asking this morning how long I had been here and he told me that I am doing an amazing job and that once the budget issues are cleared up, he plans to go to admin and make a case for getting me a raise. I make decent money, but he says that he thinks he can make a very strong case to raise my base because of all the extra stuff I have been willing to do and the department has come to rely on my doing. I know he can't make any promises, but yay! It is nice to be appreciated.

Relationship is going well. We have plans to have dinner with our wedding officiant and his wife tomorrow night and we are both so looking forward to that. They are amazing people whom I have I know for quite a long time and they seem to really like Sparky too, so win/win. We are working on some wedding planning, got our menu and decorations figured out and waiting to hear back from the church about using it. We continue to communicate well and things just really seem to be comfortable and easy. It is a nice place to be.

Life is good. I heard a song on the radio earlier today and the chorus said something about "life is short, so make it sweet." Yep............great advice. It sure has been sweet lately. laugh


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2858702
07/25/19 08:12 PM
07/25/19 08:12 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,048
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Caution: long, rant/journal post ahead so I can get things off my mind and chest. If you don't want to know, stop reading now.......................................................

Those who are nearest and dearest to me know that I'm a music fan and like all types of music (with a few exceptions). I'm not particularly a fan of newer country music because it is just too pop for my taste (not that I dislike pop music, mind you, but if I want pop, I'll listen to pop, not country masquerading as pop). The so-called "bro country" that prevails now is just not my thing. And, while I like a few of their songs here and their, I'm not a fan of either Luke Bryan or Jason Aldean with their bejeweled butt jeans that are girlier than those that most girls wear. Give me Merle Haggard, Hank Williams Junior, Randy Travis, Ricky Skaggs, etc, any day. Having said all that, though, there is one particular Jason Aldean song that I do like. I like it enough, in fact, that I have it on my iTunes. "Any 'Ol Barstool" was one of my divorce songs and it is quite fitting of that time in my life. The first line says "guess you heard I was pedal to the metal on the downhill slide". I feel that lyric down to my very core today. It is like everything is stacking up on me and I just can't stop it. I took yesterday off because I have had a long and frustrating week and I just could NOT with people yesterday. I had a ton of stuff I wanted/needed to do at work, but I needed a day for my own mental health and it was glorious. I slept late, cuddled with my dog, took a nap, watched crappy reality shows (yes, I know they are not REAL reality, but I don't care), began working on tackling the junk pile that my spare room has become, and worked on some details for an upcoming road trip with my fam. It was just what I needed. I came back to work today, thinking that I knew what was supposed to happen with today's class and when I texted the person they told me they weren't coming. Uh, I have had you on my calendar for 2 months now and you stood at my desk and watched me write it on my calendar, so why didn't you say something then? But, ok, my bad...............fortunately, the next class on the list was an easy set, so I went in and got it all set up then let the actual instructor know about the change in schedule. Ugh!

In addition to my own job and all of its responsibilities, 2 other faculty have asked me to deal with responsibilities that are their semi-personal responsibilities. One of those "favors" ends early next week when said faculty returns from a trip out of the country. The other "favor" doesn't end until January. That is a LONG damn time to be doing someone a favor, but I am too nice for my own good sometime. On top of those and the additional course load I'm under for the fall semester thanks to these same 2 individuals taking a semester off, I come back to my office after scrambling to get class ready to find an e-mail from the university president's office that I have been assigned to the busiest committee on campus as a faculty member because they have to have X number of faculty, staff, administrators, students on all campus-wide committees. The one I'm on is tasked with very specific student issues dealing with disciplinary hearings and the like and they meet a LOT. Seriously? THIS fall, when I am teaching 2 extra labs and an additional lecture course that I have NEVER taught before. I will have my biggest course load I have had the whole time I have been here and extra responsibilities related to the 2 faculty who will be off and THAT is the semester they decide to put me on a committee? And it is the busiest one on campus? REALLY??????????????????????????? I am co-advisor for a campus honor society and my partner in that has a ton of medical issues going on right now which throws a lot of responsibility for that group on me plus I have to order all the supplies and do all the budget stuff for my entire department. I'm tired just thinking about it. I just keep telling myself, I got the lab down, because it is the same one I have been teaching since I got here, the honor society kids can kind of do their own thing most of the time and just need me to approve stuff usually, and the lecture class means extra money, so there is an upside. Extra money right before our wedding? Yes, please!

On top of all the work-related stuff, my oldest daughter is turning 30 this Saturday. For MONTHS now, her sisters, her mom and I (I am her step-mother for those of you who don't know the back story), have been planning a weekend of surprises for her. Now, I will say it here but I will not point it out to anyone this weekend, but this was my idea from the beginning and I have done the bulk of the work and I'm not necessarily complaining about that because I'm a bit of a control freak and it is on me because I put it on myself, but it has been stressful trying to budget and stay on budget then communicate with 3 other people on getting stuff done and coordinating things and then, her mother backs out of the whole shooting match. Granted, she did it for a valid reason. Her husband has been having some big issue going on and he finally got to see a specialist last week because they had been worrying he might have cancer, but turns out he has compression fracture of his spine (I'm sure I'm not wording that correctly because I'm not a doctor, but that is what I understood her to tell me). He had some kind of surgery late last week and is home from the hospital, but on lots of meds and they live in South Texas, so she doesn't want to get that far from him and he is not up to riding that far to come up here with her. Ok, fine, that is all understandable and I'm not upset with her over it because I understand. It has forced my other daughters and I to be a tad bit more creative with how to work the logistics, but it is all working out fine. What I AM frustrated with their mother over is she is the queen of guilt trips and fakery (not sure that is a word but it is now) so I keep getting all these sickly sweet phone calls and texts from her about how sad she is to miss it and she's crying thinking about it and she loves her girls, but she has to put her man first. If she wasn't one to ALWAYS put her man first (particularly when she first started dating him when the girls were teens and constantly choosing him over them) it would be one thing, but with her history, it all just comes across as annoying. Like I said, I get he's had health issues and I don't blame her one bit for backing out, but it is the way she keeps talking about it that is annoying to me. She's one of those people who would put $20 in the offering plate at church then tell everyone for the next month about that time that she put $20 in the offering plate at church as though she'd done the greatest thing ever...you know what I mean? It is hard to explain here, particularly if you don't know her (or someone like her) but trust me when I say, on top of everything else going on right now, I do not need her to constantly apologize for "putting her man first" and wanting to cry because she's missing her daughter's birthday. Get over it, lady! Being an adult [censored] sometimes and you have to face choices. All you can do is all you can do, so suck it up and live with it. And leave me the F*(K ALONE!

Again on the positive side, all I have left to do to prep for this little weekend shindig is get the stuff for my part of Friday night's meal, load everything in my truck and go early to set up while her sisters keep her occupied then bring her to "meet Dawn for dinner to celebrate her birthday". She has wanted to stay in a yurt for a long time, so I rented a yurt on a lake at one of our state parks. The girls and I are going to swim, relax, do DIY facials, complete with homemade facial scrub that each will get to take home (yes, I made scrub, because I didn't have enough to do already....told y'all I was controlling!), and eat yummy snacks. I'm making walking tacos and fajita pinwheels and margarita strawberries. Yummy! Saturday morning, we are going to get up and take her to Hot Springs for a spa day at a fancy hotel downtown. After that, we have invited her mother-in-law and sisters-in-law and friends to meet us for lunch at a popular restaurant. Then, we will take her back to the yurt and her husband and sweet boys will be waiting to surprise her and spend Saturday with her to celebrate her birthday. The girls and I are paying for everything so all she has to do is relax and enjoy. I just hope she is surprised and enjoys it all. It has been a lot of work to put it all together and to keep it a secret from her, but it will be worth it. All she knows is that we are taking her for a girl's weekend get-away. She has no idea what we are doing, where we are staying, or that her husband and boys will be with her Saturday night.

I'm tired already and it hasn't even begun yet, but Sunday, I will be chilling in my recliner, napping. Poor Sparky got dragged into helping with prep stuff, but that is what partners are for, right? LOL I'm gonna owe him BIG after this weekend. laugh


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2858728
07/25/19 10:33 PM
07/25/19 10:33 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,890
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kml Offline
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First of all - that sounds like the best birthday EVER!

Second:
Quote
I have been assigned to the busiest committee on campus as a faculty member because they have to have X number of faculty, staff, administrators, students on all campus-wide committees. The one I'm on is tasked with very specific student issues dealing with disciplinary hearings and the like and they meet a LOT. Seriously? THIS fall, when I am teaching 2 extra labs and an additional lecture course that I have NEVER taught before. I will have my biggest course load I have had the whole time I have been here and extra responsibilities related to the 2 faculty who will be off and THAT is the semester they decide to put me on a committee? And it is the busiest one on campus? REALLY??????????????????????????? I am co-advisor for a campus honor society and my partner in that has a ton of medical issues going on right now which throws a lot of responsibility for that group on me plus I have to order all the supplies and do all the budget stuff for my entire department.


You know you COULD just tell them that you have all those responsibilities this semester and isn't there anybody else they could assign to that committee? They are probably not thinking (or knwing) that you have all of that other stuff on your plate.

Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2858790
07/26/19 01:24 PM
07/26/19 01:24 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Thanks kml! My daughter deserves it. She works full time and takes care of the house, her husband and their 2 rambunctious boys. The younger of the 2 boys has Down’s syndrome so there are a lot of medical appointments and other things to deal with and she handles it all like a pro. She never complains and is always quick to help anyone. When I called her husband to tell him what we were planning, the first thing he said was “that’s great, she deserves it”. If God himself had spoken to me and said He was going to gift me with the ability to “build” the perfect man for my daughter, her husband is the exact man I would’ve created. They are an amazing, beautiful couple and I couldn’t be prouder of them. This weekend is about D30, though, because she never puts herself first, so her sisters and I will, if only for a couple of days.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2858792
07/26/19 01:27 PM
07/26/19 01:27 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,985
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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Metallica does a great cover of "Turn The Page"...…….


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Turn the Page [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2859190
07/29/19 02:57 PM
07/29/19 02:57 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Metallica does a great cover of "Turn The Page"...…….


I have heard a recorded version of theirs and it is excellent. I haven't heard it live. I have heard some others live that were quite good. Surprisingly, the one I liked best was done by a new country group called Midland when I saw them opening a concert last fall. I was rather surprised at how good they really were.

I'm claiming success on the weekend surprise birthday. D30 was SO excited to be staying in a yurt, as it is something that she has wanted to do for a long time. We managed to keep everything a surprise from her and her sisters even had her about half convinced that we were taking her skydiving. What we really did was took her to one of the fanciest hotels in downtown Hot Springs (the Arlington) and got manis and pedis. We hung out at the yurt Friday night and ate snacks and enjoyed adult beverages and girl talk, then I brought all the stuff to do facials, so that was super cool and relaxing. Got up Saturday morning and set out for spa treatments, then met up with some of her close friends for lunch. Then I had to shag out to attend another family event at my sister's house, but they all went back to the yurt to swim and hang out.

I'm glad it all went off without a hitch. And, I'm glad she had a good time. It was nice to see her really enjoying everything and just being able to relax and let others take care of her for once. She works hard taking care of her family. I am thankful for Sparky because he went and picked up the cake and flowers and other decorations for the restaurant and brought them and helped me get the table decorated there while Ds26 and 28 kept D30 occupied.

I worked hard on this whole thing and it came together nicely but I was just exhausted when it was all said and done Saturday evening. I went home and tried to watch a movie with Sparky but I just couldn't even stay awake. Was in bed by 10:00. Yesterday, I slept until 8:00 which is LATE for me (yes, I'm old) and then when we both got up and around, Sparky cooked me breakfast and we just chilled. He had to go home early because his mom needed him to do something for her, so he left around 11:00, when he usually stays until 4:00 or 5:00, but I used the time to myself to nap, drink beer, and just generally be lazy, so it was all good.

Back to the grind today. Committee meetings tomorrow and Wednesday. In my office Thursday, then off Friday and Monday to road trip with my mom, sis and niece to Houston so my mom can spend her birthday with her sister. If y'all need me next weekend, I'll be the fat chick chilling by the pool at my aunt's house with some sort of fruity drink or ice cold beer in my hand. wink


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2859720
08/01/19 03:05 PM
08/01/19 03:05 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,048
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Well, this week has just been a whirlwind and I'm SO glad today is my Friday. While in my office Monday, I found out that one of the 2 ladies who is on the custodial staff in our building is leaving our university. She's a bright, positive, hard-working young woman and her presence in our building will be missed as she always has a smile and a friendly word for everyone when she sees them. Because of the nature of my job, I interact with her more than some of the others do, but everyone likes her. So, one of my counterparts has been collecting money this week and I am going out to find a going-away gift for the young lady to give her this afternoon. I have been emotional lately, so I hope I don't cry, as that will just seem weird. LOL

Tuesday evening, Sparky and I ate dinner with the man who is officiating our wedding and his wife. They have been friends of mine for years and they really seem to like Sparky as well. We had a great evening with a delicious meal and wonderful company/conversation. Sparky even stayed over after, so that was a nice little weekday surprise.

Big news hit me Tuesday night after we returned from their house....my youngest daughter called me to let me know she is pregnant. Y'all, I screamed and cried like a little girl. I'm SO excited for her. She and her husband had me on speaker phone to tell me and her husband kept asking about Sparky and I told them he was with me, so they were glad he got to find out with me. He, too (Sparky), is SO excited. It was so cute. He got all excited and could not stop smiling and he kept saying "I'm gonna be a grandpa".......so precious! We haven't been able to tell anyone yet because they aren't announcing it until she is a little farther along, but they told all the parents and her sisters (SIL is an only child). We are all just so beyond excited.

Part of the tears Tuesday night were from something that happened the previous Saturday during our spa visit. The girls were getting pedis and I was sitting in the 4th pedi chair enjoying a nice massage and we were all chatting with the 2 ladies who were doing the pedis and one of the girls said something about my wedding and we discussed that briefly. One of the ladies then asked a few details about when and such. Conversation flowed on to various topics and then one of the spa ladies looked at me and asked if I was "mom" so I said no, stepmom. So, she asked if I was marrying their dad. I explained that no, I had been married to their dad and was divorced from him and now marrying someone else. The girls all jumped in with how important I was to them and how we had a great relationship though I wasn't still married to their dad and they even said that I raised them. All said without any prompting from me or spa lady of any kind. So, the spa lady quickly covered her initial look of shock and confusion and after the girls outpouring of love and support, she looked at me again and then looked at them and said "so, she's mom" and they all said yes. Y'all............................................I can't even! I'm tearing up now thinking about it. Seriously. I know the girls love me and think I'm important or they wouldn't continue to let me have as much of a place in their life as they do, but to have actual validation in front of complete strangers was just absolutely amazing. These girls..............:D

Oh and by the way, the committee training I was dreading was actually quite good. I learned a lot and while I hope I don't have to use it, as it was a bit overwhelming, it was a good, productive 2 days of training and for that I'm thankful. Now, I have set up lab for today and need to get a few other things accomplished in addition to my going away gift shopping, then I'm outta here til Tuesday. Headed to Houston with my mom, sis, and niece tomorrow to spend a few days with my aunt and uncle and just enjoy being away from home. My mom's birthday is tomorrow, so this is really about her, but we are all looking forward to the trip.

Life is oh so good, my DB friends!


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2860690
08/08/19 03:12 PM
08/08/19 03:12 PM
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Posts: 2,048
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Back to the grind yet again. After my last post a week ago, I was off Friday, Monday and Tuesday. My sister, niece and I took my mom to Houston to spend the weekend with our aunt (her sister). We had a blast. I stayed home Monday and Tuesday to just rest and relax. Travel makes me tired.

I worked my @$$ off yesterday at work because we are in the home stretch before classes begin and I had a ton of stuff that I needed to get finished. I'm still working and will have some long, busy days between now and August 20 (first day of classes). But, I'm ready for it to get here to get started.

Sparky and I are working through the particulars of merging our finances. We need to start buying some things for the wedding and there is some work that needs to be done on his house and I don't feel like it is fair that should all be on him or all on me, so we decided merging our money now might be wisest as it would allow us both to have more resources and get moving forward on some things. Unlike my first marriage, there shouldn't be an issue with putting my name on his house, as the house is paid for, so it will just be a matter of filing for an amended title in both of our names and will probably amount to some filing/paperwork fees, so that is a good thing. This is getting so super real now and I'm excited, but also a little nervous. Things go so well with me and Sparky. We rarely disagree on things and even when we do, it is minor and we communicate super effectively/efficiently. I have seen him angry and he has seen me angry and we both have a knack for calming each other down. Occasionally, his super zen mode will kind of annoy me, but we communicated about it and he understands why that is. I didn't ask him to change it because that wouldn't be fair of me to do so, but I did ask him to respect when I'm in that mood that finds the zen annoying and to approach me a little differently initially. So far so good. I make a little more money than Sparky does, but we have agreed that while daily expenses like skoal for him or the occasional kitchen towel or smelly good something or other for our house are fine expenditures to make without checking, big purchases should definitely be cleared with the other first. My XH and I did our budgeting that way and it actually worked pretty well. Sparky is fine with letting me "handle" the checkbook as far as keeping it balanced and such because I'm kind of a control freak about that and he doesn't like to do it, but we'll pay bills together. We are going to sit down this weekend and go over a budget and then within the next few weeks, we are going to add him to my existing account. Like I said, we are excited about it, but also a little nervous because this just makes it all the more real. I think I learned some very valuable lessons the first time around and those will serve me well as I prepare to go down this road for the 2nd (and final) time.

I had to take a break for a few minutes from what I was working on, but I need to get back to it. No rest for the weary, as they say. wink


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2860707
08/08/19 04:36 PM
08/08/19 04:36 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,655
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AndrewP Offline
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Canada
Originally Posted by Dawn70
So far so good. I make a little more money than Sparky does, but we have agreed that while daily expenses like skoal for him or the occasional kitchen towel or smelly good something or other for our house are fine expenditures to make without checking, big purchases should definitely be cleared with the other first. My XH and I did our budgeting that way and it actually worked pretty well. Sparky is fine with letting me "handle" the checkbook as far as keeping it balanced and such because I'm kind of a control freak about that and he doesn't like to do it, but we'll pay bills together. We are going to sit down this weekend and go over a budget and then within the next few weeks, we are going to add him to my existing account.
What my ex-wife and I did and it worked very well for us was to every week withdraw a certain amount of cash - I think it was $50 each for us to do with what we wished. This started when we were first married as we made significantly different amounts of money although we made equal contributions to the family. Anything beyond that we would (usually) talk over first unless it was a planned expense like groceries.

Like you I'm a bit of a control freak and after my ex - who worked as a book-keeper - was doing our books and we nearly went bankrupt I took them over. We used an app called YNAB (we never upgraded to the cloud version) that allowed both of us to see on our devices or the computer what was budgeted and what we spent / had available. This helped because my ex wouldn't enter in her receipts on the computer but being able to do it on her IPad worked.

What we would also do is on the last weekend of the month is that I would review any planned expenses doing up a draft budget. Then on Sunday we would go out for breakfast, review how we did the past month, go over the upcoming month comparing it to the prior year. This worked well for us and we managed to go from pretty much bankrupt to being rid of all consumer debt and having the mortgage paid down quite a bit along with 2 new(ish) cars right around the time her affair started frown

Some variation of this might work for you guys - just putting it out there on what worked here.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2860714
08/08/19 04:56 PM
08/08/19 04:56 PM
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Posts: 2,048
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Thanks for the thoughts, Andrew. My XH and I also did something similar. We would each take out X amount of cash at the beginning of the week for incidentals. At first my XH was reticent to do that, as with his first XW, she kept track of all the money and she would "give" him cash each week and he felt like it was an allowance and he didn't want that, but as I pointed out to him, if we were both going and taking the cash independently of each other, but putting it in our budget, then it was simply making a withdrawal from our joint account, not either of us giving the other an allowance. He and I also tried that sitting down to budget thing, but because he was like an ADHD kid hopped up on sugar when it came to buying things, he was hard to budget plan with.

Sparky and I have already talked about it and we do actually plan to do similar to what you and your XW did. We are going to sit down Saturday and look at what our income is and what our expenses are and put a budget on paper. We want to do that before we do any account swapping, just to be sure we are on the same page and that we are aware of each other's current financial situation/debt load. Neither of us have much debt outside of current living expenses and some credit card debt, but we both think that with a plan, we can get it paid down pretty quickly.

We will likely adopt a similar method that you and your XW had as I think both of us have the right personalities and "needs" to make that work for us, where my XH was kind of weird about money.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2861398
08/14/19 08:19 PM
08/14/19 08:19 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,048
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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What a week....and it's only Wednesday. Fortunately, half of tomorrow and most of Friday are meetings that I just have to sit and listen through. I don't have to prep anything or talk or anything, just listen.

Our budgets, which were already cut July 1, were cut again this week by 50%. (Insert long, drawn out, ugly story about mishandling of funds in upper administration here.) What that means to me is a LOT of extra work because I'm the person in our department who does all the budget and purchasing stuff and now I have to fill out a justification form and wait for approval from the dean's office before I can purchase anything. Y'all, I kid you not, I just had to justify why I needed to order a box of paper clips. IN WRITING. I gave up half-way through the page long form and decided to just go to Walmart after work and buy the d@mn paper clips out of my own pocket, even though my boss REALLY does not like me doing that. This is going to be a LONG semester.

In addition I also found out yesterday that the lecture class I thought I was going to teach and earn extra money for was scratched from the schedule because they didn't need it and since we are in a budget crisis, they didn't want to pay extra for a class that was only half-full. UGH. I wasn't counting on that money, obviously, since I hadn't earned it yet, but it certainly would've been nice to have it to put toward the wedding.

Speaking of weddings, planning is rolling right along and Sparky and I are going to have a talk this weekend about getting an actual move-in plan set up. We are also working through merging our finances and plan to have that in place in the coming weeks so that we can start to contribute to a joint savings account for a future honeymoon. We hadn't planned on honeymooning right after the wedding anyway, so we decided to save up for a bit and then do something really cool. My original intention had been to wait until after or just right before the wedding to move in with him, but as we were discussing finances last night, I was thinking what is the point? If we could go ahead and move now to consolidate some bills, it only makes sense and it will allow us to really pool our resources for wedding expenses more equitably. Big steps, but we are ready and the wedding is getting closer every day. laugh


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2861400
08/14/19 08:21 PM
08/14/19 08:21 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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Was the financial discussion a tough one or are you both on the same page? I would think that would be a tough conversation to have depending on whether or not their is a wage difference.

What are the honeymoon destinations of choice?????


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2861401
08/14/19 08:40 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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It wasn't necessarily tough, but it was a little scary, mainly from the standpoint of going down this road again, if that makes sense. We are both on the same page, financially, fortunately. And, the wage difference, while there, is not HUGE.

Not sure on destinations yet. We aren't planning some huge luxury resort trip or anything, because that isn't us. We talked about just renting a cabin in the woods somewhere with a hot tub and no cell phone service and disappearing for a few days. My job is VERY people-centric and though I enjoy it, as a natural introvert, I need to get away and disengage so my idea of heaven is just to be away from everything and everyone for a bit. We have also discussed maybe Vegas, but I really want to go to the National Finals Rodeo which takes place in early December, so if we decide to do that, we will likely not actually honeymoon until December 2020, near our 1 year anniversary.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2861402
08/14/19 08:45 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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You could go to Broken Bow.....not sure about cell phone service but I know the cabins have hot tubs!!

If the dr. and I got married there would be pre-nup and our finances would be separate.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2861404
08/14/19 08:59 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Yes, Broken Bow has some great places.

As far as finances, everyone has to do what works for them. Joint accounts is what works for us. I know money is almost always an issue at some point in any relationship, but right now, we seem to really be in sync on everything and we have determined what works best for our situation.

We are going in with eyes wide open with firm plans in place.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2861409
08/14/19 09:07 PM
08/14/19 09:07 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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I have never been to BB, just heard good things. Well the Dr. makes a lot more than I do and is moving money back and forth between her personal account and business account so it would make sense. It doesn't bother me but to your point whatever works!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Turn the Page [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2861473
08/15/19 01:45 PM
08/15/19 01:45 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I have never been to BB, just heard good things. Well the Dr. makes a lot more than I do and is moving money back and forth between her personal account and business account so it would make sense. It doesn't bother me but to your point whatever works!


Broken Bow is a cool, eclectic little town. Small town, so not a ton of things to do, but there is a neat little winery and a few other things like that. Beautiful country for sure. In my previous life, I lived in a small town in extreme western Arkansas that was only about a 30 or 40 minute drive from Broken Bow. In fact, the OK state line was less than 20 miles from my house.

I'm not sure what tone it sets for the day when the first song I hear when I start the truck to come to work is AC/DC's "Highway to H3ll". LOL I'm hoping that it was just the fact that I like AC/DC and not some ominous forewarning. I don't have to drive very far for work, which will sadly change when I move to Sparky's house, but anyway, in my short drive this morning, I also heard Aerosmith's "Dream On" which is one of my most favorite songs, so at least I ended my drive with a positive song. LOL

Had a LONG talk with my best friend last night. I feel bad for him because he's in a not so great place right now and my heart hurts for him. He had a pretty rough childhood and he's constantly trying to make up for that in his adult life. He's a good man: hard working, loving, loyal. He's a rescuer and because of that, he finds himself in some pretty odd situations. He was kind of seeing a woman and he developed feelings for her super quickly and she kept holding him at arm's length. He told me several times that he'd told her how he felt and that she told him she wasn't in the same place right now. Well, last night, he tried to convince me that just because she continued to spend time with him and go do stuff with him, that what she said didn't mean she didn't want a relationship. I asked him what he thought it meant. He just kept saying "she never said she didn't want a relationship, she just said she wasn't in the same place I was". Maybe this is a difference between men and women, but to me what she said to him and what he wanted her to say are the same thing. It seems like a matter of semantics to me. In my mind, in both phrases, she's telling him she doesn't want a relationship. Now, in her version, if she said it the way he says, I could see where one might argue that in saying she's not in the same place right now, that it leaves the door open for future possibility, but I really don't see how the 2 phrases are fundamentally different. In either phrase, she doesn't want a relationship right now. Maybe I'm just weird, but since I know it is possible for men and women to truly be friends because some of my closest friends are men, I could see a world where a woman who wasn't interested in a relationship but wanted to continue a friendship would continue to hang out with the guy. The sucky part of it was, while she was telling him she wasn't in the same place and she was still spending time with him and letting him spend money on her and pay her bills (don't even get me started on this part of the story!), she was actually dating someone else and when he found out and confronted her, she told him the guy was just a friend. She actually did that to him 3 different times and the man she is seeing currently is the one that finally ended my best friend's association with her. Apparently after he stopped communicating with her, she started telling anyone and everyone who would listen that he's stalking her and that he broke in her house and left flowers everywhere and all sorts of weird-a$$ sh!t. As he did with his XW, he keeps telling me he just wants to talk to her face to face one more time. I begged him to just let it go. No good would come of talking. He said the last time he talked to her he asked her what is wrong with him. Lord how I love that man and Lord how I want to punch his d@mn head off all at the same time. I told him last night that there is NOTHING wrong with him and that women like her are users and manipulators and she likely had to get away from him because while he was still paying her bills and crap, he was also wanting more of her time and attention and she needed to swap him out for someone who was less present in her life.

We also had a long talk about our relationship. I was honest and told him that I had had a bad feeling about this woman from day 1. I felt like she immediately started playing the victim card to get under his skin and it worked. They had just met and started talking and he hadn't even actually sat down and had a face to face conversation with her yet when she called him in the middle of the night to come over to her house and get up under the house to fix a pipe that had frozen and busted because she didn't have any water in her house with the frozen/busted pipe. And he did it! He is still making excuses for her. He told me that he had given her money but that she had never asked for it. I tried to explain that manipulators don't have to ask for it. They know what to say to get it without coming out and saying, "hey, can you give me x amount of money?" I said, she likely complained about being short or not having enough money to pay a certain bill or having to do without something or whatever and he jumped in to fix it. This was met with dead silence on his end of the phone. Then, finally, he said "yeah, you are right". I told him, though I saw some big red flags at the beginning, I didn't say anything because I didn't think it would get through. And, this is the point where the talk about our relationship kicked in. He said, "you are honestly the only person I WOULD have listened to". He told me I was his best friend and I know everything about him in this world and of all the people he knows, family included, he knows that I am the one who is always looking out for the greater good for him. He told me that a lot of people around him were always pushing him to pursue a relationship with me and the reason that he didn't is because he loves me and knows that I am truly his friend and he doesn't/didn't ever want to mess that up. He told me that he's happy that I have found Sparky and that he likes him and he's glad we are happy. It was a really good conversation. I felt good afterwards. And, I told him, since he said he would've listened to me, that he needs to be prepared moving forward because next time I see huge red flags waving where a woman he's interested in is concerned, I'm going to be all over him about it. He laughed and said he expected no less.

So anyway, I have rambled on here long enough and I need to go get some stuff done ahead of my afternoon meeting. Ugh...............................................I'm pretty sure meetings are going to be the actual downfall of our civilization.

Last edited by job; 08/15/19 02:22 PM. Reason: edited language

Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2861933
08/19/19 05:34 PM
08/19/19 05:34 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Today's first song I heard when I started the truck to come to work was "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor. Now, THAT is how you start the day....much more upbeat than "Highway to H3ll" I think...or at least sets a more upbeat tone to the day.

Sparky and I went and signed him onto my checking account Saturday morning, then he will bring is paycheck to me to deposit tomorrow. We sat down and went through the remaining bills he has for the month and got those all lined out. We also had a long talk about me going ahead and moving into his house soon, rather than waiting until December so that we could get all of our bills consolidated and start really paying for everything together. We both felt good about it after we really put some actual numbers down on paper. It is going to be a little tough in September, until we get our bill paying schedule lined out right and because we will still be paying for my house, but our goal at this point is to have me completely moved in by the end of September so I can let my house go and shut off all the utilities before Oct. 1. When October rolls around and we can get out from under my house expenses, we really feel like we can comfortably start to really build up our savings and work toward saving for some great things and building our nest egg. Divorce is financially draining, so I have just started building stuff back up and he's in the same boat, so it will be nice to build together.

Friday evening, we spent the evening just hanging out and talking. We have some great talks because we are very similar in the way we see a lot of things and approach a lot of things. In talking about the logistics of moving in, there are a couple of things we need to work on in his house before we move my stuff and we were talking about putting our stuff together (what of mine we are keeping vs. what of his we are keeping). I'm sure we will run into an issue here or there, but he's been pretty open about bringing in my stuff and letting me decorate however I want to. I said something about a particular decoration I have in my living room now and how I'm seriously considering getting rid of it. He was like, oh, I like it and it might look nice in our bedroom (and it does happen to match my current bedroom décor, which I had already told him I was definitely keeping). So, I'm thinking that part will run relatively smoothly and that is a good thing. We shall see. The next couple of months are going to be interesting.

Work is going to be stressful and stuff is going to be a real sh!t show, so I'm thinking us trying to move now and spending time redecorating and that sort of thing is probably just the distraction I need to keep me from having a heart attack at my desk or snapping and telling someone off that I likely shouldn't. Lord, it is going to be a very long semester. On the bright side, I have had 3 different students who are enrolled in my class this semester come by and introduce themselves to me this morning while they are out looking for their classes, so I was pleased with that. Seems like I will have some nice students. YAY! Tomorrow is our first day, so Fall 2019, bring it...let's do this!


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2862006
08/19/19 11:01 PM
08/19/19 11:01 PM
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doodler Offline
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
Work is going to be stressful...


The good thing about stress is that it requires comfort food to make it better. Did you know that a certain fast food chicken chain now serves mac and cheese? It's good and it's a nice alternative to waffle fries.

Re: Turn the Page [Re: doodler] #2862075
08/20/19 02:39 PM
08/20/19 02:39 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by doodler
Originally Posted by Dawn70
Work is going to be stressful...


The good thing about stress is that it requires comfort food to make it better. Did you know that a certain fast food chicken chain now serves mac and cheese? It's good and it's a nice alternative to waffle fries.



Funny you mention that! We have one on our campus, but they have a limited menu, but hey, chicken and waffle fries are chicken and waffle fries, right? Anyway, Sparky is coming over this evening to go over some financial stuff and I told him I was NOT cooking supper since it is the first day of class and I would be tired, but that I would gladly pick something up so I'm going to see if ours has mac and cheese. Fingers crossed!


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2863222
08/28/19 04:54 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Survived week 1 of classes relatively unscathed and the class I teach actually started yesterday, so I'm officially off and running for the fall semester now. I teach 4 classes this semester and have already done 2, one yesterday and one earlier today. I still have one more today, then one tomorrow and then I can cruise until next Tuesday. I finally spent a good bit of time actually getting my office cleaned and organized and I'm very pleased with how it all looks. Even took a little time last Friday, after everyone left early, to put "fresh" pictures on my digital frame in my office. This Friday, I'm gong to spend a little time working on organizing my storage room, that doubles as the prep room for my labs. It is also a catch-all room for other classes, so there is a lot of random stuff in there. I spent weeks last summer actually cleaning, organizing and throwing out stuff that was older than me, but it needs a good going over again.

Nothing new to report on the personal/relationship side. We are currently in week 2 of combined finances and we are communicating very well about bills, as we navigate getting all our accounts consolidated. We have also discussed a plan/timeline to get me moved into Sparky's house and we are shooting for that being complete by the end of September or 1st weekend in October. Lots of changes heading my way in the next 6 months or so and while it is daunting, it is also exciting. I will move in with Sparky and give up my house in roughly a month from now. In December, we will say our I do's among all of our family celebrations. In the spring, we will welcome grand baby #5 to the fold and I'm thrilled about that one. Sparky is excited as well. I'm excited, nervous, happy, scared, looking forward to, dreading.....all those things. I told Sparky one big fear I have is in giving up my own space in favor of his. I did that once for a man and when the whole deal went south, I had to start over from scratch. It does scare me that if we were to not make it for some reason, I would have to start over yet again. But, at the same time, we both know that, at least for now, it has to be this way to accommodate taking care of his mother to the best of our ability without actually living in the same house with her. We've been very open and honest about our feelings and our fears in our discussions about combining our households and our entire lives.

Life continues to be good, if not fairly tiring, at the moment, but we are clicking right along, getting stuff done and getting ready to settle in together and move forward in the near future. I told Sparky last weekend that I'm going to wait to put out all my fall decorations until I get moved to his house and this will help it seem more like home to me because I have a ton of seasonal decorations for each season. It will kind of be like the changing of the guard, so to speak. LOL


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2863227
08/28/19 05:01 PM
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I don’t have anything to really add except I love reading your updates, they bring a smile to my face

Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2863340
08/29/19 08:56 AM
08/29/19 08:56 AM
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I'm happy for you. There is an ease about your relationship with Sparky which is nice to see. Tells me that it's a good fit for you both.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Turn the Page [Re: bttrfly] #2863523
08/30/19 03:34 PM
08/30/19 03:34 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
I'm happy for you. There is an ease about your relationship with Sparky which is nice to see. Tells me that it's a good fit for you both.

xoxoxo


Thank you! I take that as a compliment. We really do have an ease about our whole relationship that is a refreshing change for me. I know there is a lot of advice from a wide variety of sources bandied about on these boards and one thing that I see a lot is people saying don't spend too much time texting and talking on the phone at first, but for Sparky and I, that is what worked best for us, due to his dad's illness and subsequent passing. So, I feel like we really took the time to get to know each other in that way first before we ever met in person. Then, when we did meet for our first date, it was like we'd known each other forever and we just settled right in.

Sparky and I had a long discussion the other night because, while we have many similarities, we also have some vast differences. The main one is that I'm more analytical, more hard facts, more "put the numbers to it" kind of person, where he is more go with the flow, fly by the seat of his pants, etc. We were talking about specifics related to merging our finances and accounts and about how September is going to be a bit of a challenge, just because we are trying to get everything on a new schedule and consolidated and all that, but October, especially when I give up my house and all the bills specifically associated with it (rent, utilities), we will actually end up coming out ahead and be able to establish a better savings plan than either of us currently have individually. The discussion was interesting from the standpoint of how we approached the specific numbers we were discussing. It was a good discussion and after he left, I found myself thinking about how with XH, we could have never had that discussion because we both would've just ended up p!ssed at the other one and yelling. Sparky and I didn't have that issue at all. We each made our points, some similar and some different, then listened to what the other thought. It was a really good talk. While it is not the first good talk we have had on such serious matters, it did kind of cement for me that we have made a good choice in each other and that we are a good fit together.

Looking forward to a 3-day weekend. Tomorrow afternoon is the first Hog football game of the season and I cannot wait. I'm already planning snacks for us while we cheer/yell at the tv. LOL Sunday, we are headed to Little Rock for a little early birthday present for Sparky to see Weird Al Yankovic. We are also going to Dave and Buster's for supper and some fun arcade style games beforehand because I scored a Groupon that got us a bunch of game cards for a super cheap price. Yeah, I'm one of those people. LOL Monday, we are staying home, chilling, may go out to the lake late in the afternoon after all the weekend travelers have left to head back to their homes. Should be a great weekend.

Happy weekend to all of you, too!


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2863544
08/30/19 05:04 PM
08/30/19 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
Tomorrow afternoon is the first Hog football game of the season and I cannot wait. I'm already planning snacks for us while we cheer/yell at the tv.

Go Hogs!

I used to look forward to football season, but the 'Noles have been awful the past few seasons. Our first game is tomorrow. Because of the hurricane, the game was moved from Jacksonville to Tallahassee. My coworkers have said that some of the grocery store shelves have already been picked clean. I don't know what's going to happen with an influx of people. It's going to be an interesting weekend.

Re: Turn the Page [Re: doodler] #2863547
08/30/19 05:10 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by doodler
Originally Posted by Dawn70
Tomorrow afternoon is the first Hog football game of the season and I cannot wait. I'm already planning snacks for us while we cheer/yell at the tv.

Go Hogs!

I used to look forward to football season, but the 'Noles have been awful the past few seasons. Our first game is tomorrow. Because of the hurricane, the game was moved from Jacksonville to Tallahassee. My coworkers have said that some of the grocery store shelves have already been picked clean. I don't know what's going to happen with an influx of people. It's going to be an interesting weekend.




My beloved Hogs have been absolutely beleaguered by a few terrible seasons and now are beginning their 2nd year with a new head coach, so we shall see. Tomorrow SHOULD be a W for us, since they are playing some no-name junior college and or maybe it is a junior high team, but they had several of these should be W games last year that they got absolutely hammered in, so I'll just have to wait, but regardless, I will ALWAYS root Hog. I'm not a fair-weather fan.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2863554
08/30/19 05:23 PM
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We're playing the football powerhouse Boise State. Unfortunately, the Broncos may actually win.

Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2863586
08/30/19 09:09 PM
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it's absolutely a compliment! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2863861
09/03/19 01:55 PM
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Dawn,

Congrats on the Hogs' win; that's the way to start the season. Unfortunately, the Noles didn't fare so well. I suspect our coach will be gone before the end of the season.

Re: Turn the Page [Re: doodler] #2864057
09/04/19 05:24 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by doodler
Dawn,

Congrats on the Hogs' win; that's the way to start the season. Unfortunately, the Noles didn't fare so well. I suspect our coach will be gone before the end of the season.



Thanks, Doodler! It wasn't pretty, but a W is a W, so I'll take it. I'm not now, nor have I ever been, a fair weather fan, so I will love and support my Hogs regardless, but ole Coach needs to get it in gear or I foresee him being gone at the end of this year. We got Bielema, who talked a really good game, but just could NOT cut it in the SEC and dragged us down after 3 years. Now Morris, also NOT an SEC veteran, is rolling into year 2 and what I saw Saturday did NOT look promising, so we shall see. Like I said, I will root Hog or die, though, so it is all good.

This week has been LONG already and it was a "short" week since Monday was a holiday. I don't know what it is about these holiday weeks but they just seem to drag. This one in particular, Mary Chapin Carpenter's song "Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug" has been resonating loudly in my head. I did NOT come in Monday to prep this week's lab, though I knew it would take a while to do. I came in extra early yesterday and still was running behind, but since I teach the first lab, I just gave my students something to work on while I finished setting up. Sparky's car officially bit the dust late last week and after talking it over this weekend, we have decided to begin the process of finding something different for him, but in the meantime, we borrowed a vehicle from my dad to get us through. Sparky's mom, who is not being overly cooperative about anything lately, was not too keen on his using her car because she doesn't like to be "home alone" without a car (she never goes anywhere, by the way, so not sure why it matters, but whatever). Then, yesterday, after a long, crappy day, she was supposed to bring Sparky to town so he and I could run over to my dad's and pick up the extra vehicle (my dad has 5 or 6 extra vehicles....long story), but then she fell and busted her lip and broke a tooth. Sparky had to leave work early to go get her and take her to the doctor's office, only to find out she broke her knee cap in the fall. Wow...…………….I felt bad for her as I'm sure that hurt really badly. She's having to use a walker and now has to go see an orthopedic surgeon. I don't know what will happen moving forward but I feel bad for her. We did finally get the vehicle swapping finished after Sparky tended to her and got her back home and situated from the doctor's office.

This morning I got lab set up on time (though I again teach the first one, so I could've had a little extra time if I needed it) only to have the copier jam when I was trying to print out my lab packets for my class. Seriously? Ugh! I have been getting e-mails from students left and right about missing class and I TOLD them attendance is mandatory, but that is fine. Go ahead and miss and when your grade suffers, refer to the syllabus where I made you read it and underline it so you would know. We are in our 3rd week of classes (2nd week for my lab classes) and I had a girl come to my office today trying to get into my class. I signed off on it for her, with the understanding that she's already missed 2 labs and she will have to do extra work on the back end to catch those up. I also tried to explain that while I'm willing to let her in, she has to get in to a lecture class as well and I don't know that any of the lecture instructors will let her in. She should've gotten her crap together 2 weeks ago.

On the plus side, I'm over half-way finished with today, have one more class this afternoon, then just 2 more days (with 1 class left for the week tomorrow afternoon) and then the weekend will be upon us yet again. We are beginning to move my stuff to Sparky's house this week and I'm excited about that. We're also going to go through all the stuff he has and decide what of his we want to keep and what of mine we want to keep so we can start selling off what we don't want. It's going to be a good, good thing. I'm just ready to get moved in and settled and get into what will be our normal, regular routine. We had kinda settled into one not living together, but as we gear up to get into one actually living together, I'm feeling super restless.

Anyway, back to educating and molding young minds. It's almost Friday...it's almost Friday...it's almost Friday!


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2864116
09/04/19 11:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
It wasn't pretty, but a W is a W, so I'll take it.


Apparently our loss was due to dehydration. That's plausible because the loss couldn't have been due to poor coaching; what else could it be but dehydration?

Re: Turn the Page [Re: doodler] #2864165
09/05/19 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by doodler
Originally Posted by Dawn70
It wasn't pretty, but a W is a W, so I'll take it.


Apparently our loss was due to dehydration. That's plausible because the loss couldn't have been due to poor coaching; what else could it be but dehydration?




I didn't know Bielema had gone to Florida State....I thought some pro team hired him as their defensive coordinator. Hmmmm…………..LOL

Just kidding, but when we had Bielema, he was the same way. Thing was, when they first hired him, because he was a winning coach at Wisconsin, everyone thought he was really going to bring us back to the eras of wins like Lou Holtz and Bobby Petrino (may he forever be cursed for riding that motorcycle with the buxom blond who was NOT his wife! GRRRRR!). Anyway, the problem was that Wisconsin is a Big Ten school not an SEC powerhouse school. Bielema, who himself was a defensive lineman at The Ohio State University was raised in, played in and coached in a conference where defensive players were supposed to be big, huge, meaty guys who could just pound the opposing team's O-line into the ground. That isn't how SEC football works. SEC football, while following a somewhat similar principal, tends to be more of a running/passing game than a nitty gritty ground game. SEC doesn't play smashmouth football like some of the other conferences do, we play run and gun style. So, Bielema's first excuse was the players he was "left with" after the quick demise of John L.'s short-lived head Hog stint, weren't ones that could play his style of football. (What he really meant was "how big a boy are you?" and the answer, at least for him, was not big enough.) So he started recruiting bigger guys and pushing the existing guys to gain weight creating an overall larger D-line who was now much slower than the leftover recruits had been and SEC teams just started wiping the floor with the Hogs because to put it bluntly, they got fat and sloppy. (Now, I'm fat myself, so I'm not casting aspersions on fatness, mind you, but I'm not a scholarship athlete either, so there is a difference.) Anyway, once Bielema's team was padded with his own recruits, the excuse went from being about he was playing with players he didn't recruit and therefore weren't his style to he had to condition his recruits to his style and that took time. Of course, the whole time all of this is going on, Bielema is smiling to the camera and talking about how the next game is really going to be a turning point. The simple fact is, quite frankly, he was outcoached and outplayed and not SEC coaching material. Not that I think he was a bad coach in general, mind you. I heard him speak several times and I do think he cared about his players and that is important. As Arkansas got more fed up with his promises of impending victory and started calling for his head, so to speak (which is kind of common in the Hog nation, because we are SERIOUS about our Hogs), he just got progressively sloppier. The team does the "Hog Walk" into the stadium before game time and walk a path through the crowd of cheerleaders, band members and cheering fans to get a little love and support prior to getting their game faces on. Most coaches have had the young men do the Hog Walk in suits and ties....ready for business, so to speak. Bielema did at first too, but by the middle of his second season, they were Hog Walking in their warm-up clothes...whatever shorts or sweat pants they grabbed off their floor and that is how they looked and that is how it translated in their game play as well. Just plain sloppy...…………..

Anyway, that was a really long way to say, yeah, I get it.....it MUST be dehydration because poor coaching just could not POSSIBLY be the issue.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2864201
09/05/19 06:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
So, Bielema's first excuse was the players he was "left with" after the quick demise of John L.'s short-lived head Hog stint, weren't ones that could play his style of football.

That sounds familiar. In our case it was "Jimbo left me with a lousy team" (paraphrased). A statement like that from a head coach seems like it would stifle the players' motivation to get out win games.

Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2864721
09/09/19 04:23 PM
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I'm feeling SUPER overwhelmed right now and I'm not handling it well. I had a bit of a breakdown Saturday, crying in front of Sparky at the just overwhelming task of getting his house all cleaned out and fixed up and getting me moved in as soon as possible to consolidate bills. It doesn't help that we have family plans to add to the mix every weekend this month. When his grandparents passed and left him the house, he moved all of their stuff that his mom and her sister wanted to go through into the 2 spare bedrooms that he wasn't using and just closed the doors. Well, now, there are 2 rooms full of sh!t to go through and he doesn't really want to let his mom go through it because he knows she'll want to keep a bunch of stuff for no good reason. Keeping pictures and those sorts of things is obviously a no-brainer, but we are talking old dollar store knick knacks and old worn out clothes and that sort of thing, but his mom is a bit of a hoarder. So, we are trying to navigate those waters while deciding what actually needs to be kept. We are also having to do some repairs to get things back into a good condition and it is all taking a little longer than I had hoped.

His house is old, but in decent shape for its age and we look forward to doing little upgrade projects to put out own stamp on it, so I'm trying to focus on that and not feeling so overwhelmed, which doesn't do anyone any good. LOL I know that once we get over the hump and get out from under my house our finances will line out and we'll be in great shape, but the next month or so is going to require some interesting accounting and budgeting skills on both of our parts.

I have ordered a couple of really nice canvas prints to hang in our living room and I have been looking at furniture online to see what I like. His grandmother had 2 beautiful red velvet Queen Anne chairs that he wants to keep. They are not at all my taste, but I can appreciate the beauty and craftsmanship of them and they likely cost a fortune when she bought them. Off the living room, there is a small den and I told him that would be the perfect place to put those chairs, along with an antique chest of drawers and an antique dressing table that were a part of his great grandmother's bedroom suite that he wants to keep. The chest of drawers is kind of short, so it will make a nice table to sit between the chairs and put a lamp on it so you can sit and read or drink coffee and look out over the wooded area behind the house from the big picture window in the den. We can use the drawers for extra storage, which is ALWAYS a good thing. We are going to use the dressing table as a bar cart. When I went on my trip to Houston, I brought him back a couple of souvenirs that I picked up in an antique shop.....one was a pair of decanters that were painted with a pretty tie-dye look (Sparky is a hippy artist, so as soon as I saw them, I thought of him) and a couple of whiskey glasses that are etched "his" and "hers". We are using "gold" (gold toned) serving platters and trays for our wedding, so I told him the decanters and glasses would be pretty on a gold tray sitting somewhere and the idea of the bar cart was born, but the dressing table will work also and it will be a nice way to tie in the old and new. He's pretty much left the decorating to me and I appreciate that, but I want his stamp on it too. Not just mine. Once the weather cools off, we will have a LOT of work to do outside as well, replacing boards on the deck, fixing up the front porch. He wants to actually build a wrap-around porch. Right now there is a very small front porch and then a deck on one end of the house that protrudes out into the front yard kind of making the roof line a big L shape, with the little part of the L being the covered deck. There is a small storage building behind the house plus an old garage and a small workshop that we will probably have to tear down because it is pretty dilapidated. The garage and shed are in great shape, though.

Lots of work to do, but that kind of strikes me as a metaphor for life in general for some reason right at this moment. Things that are worth generally are a lot of work. It is just a fact of life. I know that with time, money, and elbow grease, we can make this house into a really nice place for ourselves that we can be proud of and enjoy. Sure, it needs some work now because his grandmother lived there and it still has her stamp on it....70's paneling, couch with big flowers, tons of mismatched dishes from sets purchased and broken through the years and miscellaneous glass objects that make little sense like the giant glass grapes and the 2 giant roosters that I found sitting on the built-in buffet in the dining room. We will keep what we can as an homage to Sparky's ancestors and we will either donate the rest to others who can use it or we will sell it, if we might be able to make money from it to put back into the paint and other supplies we need to freshen up the house.

I KNEW Saturday, after I had my little breakdown and got upset, when we were just chatting about something and his mom said something about it was going to be a lot of work and he said "ain't no step for a stepper" that it was ALL going to be ok, because that is one of my dad's most favorite sayings in the world and he says it all the time when he's facing a big task. It IS going to be a lot of work and it is NOT going to all be sunshine and roses. We will likely argue over something during all of this and there will be tears (on my part because I'm a crier) and cussing. We will disagree about some things, though for the most part, we remain on the same page about almost everything, which is a really cool place to be. Our first hurdle will likely be a coffee table because there is one in the living room currently and I do NOT like coffee tables. Of course, most of the houses I have lived in as an adult, really haven't had a living room that was big enough or laid out in such a way that easily accommodated a coffee table without it just being in the way. But we will work through that just like we will work through everything else because our lives are truly becoming one and that is a great feeling. And, besides, "ain't no step for a stepper". smile


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2865133
09/12/19 05:29 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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My XH has lost his ever-loving mind, y'all. I just cannot even with that man. I'm very much a one-shot kind of girl. You won't ever hear a story about me marrying the same guy 3 times or giving someone chances over and over again. You get one shot with me so make it your best. Not saying I don't forgive and that sort of thing...just saying I firmly believe in that "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" adage. So, I say that to say when he walked away and wanted divorce, I dropped the rope pretty quickly and never looked back and won't ever look back because with time and distance, I have realized that he did me a favor in a lot of ways and my life would be a lot different and a lot less fulfilling if I had stayed with him over time.

Anyway, a little background before I explain his lost mind: when we divorced, we owned 2 cars and were paying for a house. The house was the one he'd bought prior to even meeting me, so my name wasn't even on it, but he offered to sign it over to me since I had been helping him pay for it for 10 years, if I wanted to keep it. I knew I wouldn't stay in that town any longer than I had to because it was HIS hometown and my own hometown was nearly 2 hours away and this was my chance to finally move HOME. So, I declined to take the house. We amicably separated all of our personal belongings (except the dog....she was the only thing we fought over) and I kept my car, as I had purchased it prior to marrying him and he kept his car even though it had been purchased by us jointly. He also kept possession of our daughter's car (well, she kept it actually) because it was in my name, but she still needed the vehicle and I wasn't going to take it just to turn around and sell it because I certainly didn't need 2 cars. When it came to dividing our financial assets, we closed out the savings account that we had jointly and divided that money in half. He had some stock earnings from his job that I could have gotten half of, but I earned more money than he did, so I just told him to keep it since he'd had the job long before I came along. I truly didn't want his money. I only wanted what was mine. We halved what money was in our checking account and until I moved out of the house, we each continued to pay 1/2 of everything, though I told him more than once that I would take on all the house bills by myself since he no longer lived there. He insisted on continuing to pay 1/2 since he wanted to keep everything on so he wouldn't have to pay deposits to get everything re-upped when I moved out and he moved back in. We wrote all of this up in an agreement, with the help of an attorney friend, so that we both had a legal obligation to follow through with what we said we would do. I took my half of the money and opened a new checking account at the same bank we had been using for our joint account because I had used that bank for years prior to marrying him and I wanted to be loyal to it (I am loyal to a fault in ALL things). It was easier for me to "move" out of the account and get a new one because it was kind of a pain for him to have to go through and get all of his SS direct deposits switched around. So, despite the fact that he was an a$$ who didn't deserve it, I was trying to be kind and make our split as easy as possible. Because of our bank policy, you can't just take someone's name off an account without closing the account so it was HIS idea to keep that existing account for himself and just go in and change all the passwords and everything. He knew I still, technically, had access to the account, since my name was still on it, but he kept insisting that he trusted me and knew I wouldn't try to take his money or do anything shady. He was right....I just wouldn't have because it is not in my nature to be shady. So, I opened my own account, he kept that one and away we went on our separate lives.

it has all worked out just fine and I have never once gone in and looked in the account or even thought about it. Until yesterday...………………….While I'm in class, I get a voicemail message from the bank and it simply said they were trying to reach me or XH about an account, so I KNEW it was about that account and not the one I currently use because until about a month ago, I was on the current one alone until I added Sparky and they plainly said XH's name and not Sparky's name, so I knew it was the old account. Unsure why they would even call me about it, since I assumed he'd changed all his contact info since he lives up near Boston now, I called back. The woman basically told me that the account was subject to being closed on Sept. 30 and that if the account closed, any outstanding debits would be taken out of any other accounts that the account holders on this account had. I explained the situation to the lady and told her that I had not used the account for nearly 5 years and I had no idea if XH was still using it because we no longer communicate. She then, because I'm still technically considered an account holder, told me that an automatic deposit had gone in on the 3rd (his SS, I assumed) but that the account was currently in the negative and "we" needed to get it straightened away so they could leave it open. She also told me this had been a pattern for awhile, which is why they were attempting to close it to begin with. She said they had tried to contact XH but the number they had for him was disconnected. So, though it really isn't my place any more, I told her I would get a message to him so he could deal with it. In the back of my head I'm thinking that I will do that only because if I don't and it gets closed, whatever overdraft fees pop up are going to be taken from MY current account and I will NOT allow that to happen because I didn't overdraft anything. I don't have a current phone number for him either. I don't know his mailing address and don't even know his e-mail address because the only e-mail address I ever had for him was connected to his cell phone account and I'm assuming he has a different cell phone number now that he's in Yankee land. So, I reached out the only way that I knew how without involving the girls or his sister and sent him a message on facebook. After a couple of hours, he responded, thanking me for letting him know and apologizing that they "bothered me with this" then he proceeded to inundate me with long rambling messages for about the next hour filling me in on why the account was overdrawn and what they had been spending money on and how they handle their finances and all sorts of bull sh!t I just didn't really need or want to know. I finally stopped him and just told him that it wasn't a problem for me to let him know because I didn't want whatever was happening in his account to be taken from my account when our money was no longer co-mingled and that if I were him, I would call the bank immediately and make sure they had my current contact information. Then he had to give me some long explanation about how they have an issue with their address and I again basically stopped him and told him to just call the number and fix it. Then he wanted to continue to ramble on about all the money they are spending to put his slut's house on the market so that they can move back to Arkansas within the next few months and he's telling me all sorts of details about that which I don't need to know, about how they are looking at houses online and are trying to be centrally located to all 3 girls so they are looking at such and such town. Well, 2 of the 3 girls live in the central part of the state while the 3rd lives in the western most part. The town he mentioned is in the NW corner of the state so I'm not sure how that is "central" to all 3 girls, but whatever.

As if all of his rambling about money and such weren't enough to make y'all agree he's lost his mind, in his final long rambling message, he apologized for "running off at the mouth" and joked I should call him his XW's name because she talks ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the time, but he did it because "he misses me". WTF, dude? If that wasn't enough, he throws in congratulations on my upcoming wedding, I look happy and Sparky is "the luckiest guy in the world" to get such an amazing woman. He tells me that the girls and their husbands all like Sparky and are happy for me. (I already knew that and don't need him acting like dad of the year, like he has some deep meaningful relationship with his daughters at this point, when they all barely tolerate him.) Seriously, it was just the single most WTF "conversation" I have ever had. I didn't even respond because I didn't know how to. I wanted to just unload everything that I have never said to him but I just figured there was no point because he has already put his own spin on it all and he still thinks he did no wrong. He walked away, after cheating with the slut and falling for her and then proceeded to ignore me because she didn't even want him talking to me, which actually worked to my advantage because it allowed me to detach a lot quicker and easier. I have never looked back and don't intend to start now and if he was waiting for me to say what a great guy he is and how lucky his slut is, he's got another d@mn thing coming. He's a sorry sack of crap and a poor excuse for both a husband and a man. I know d@mn good and well, little miss slutty thing is supporting his dead weight @ss just like I did, the only difference being, she makes better money than I did, but mostly because of where she lives. And, they live cheaply enough because they live in a house that she inherited from family, so other than property taxes (which I'm sure are a LOT higher than they are in AR), they aren't paying anything for their living expenses. He threw in something about "flying home" for something and I thought if that was supposed to make me jealous, nah....pass. I don't need to fly to feel good about myself.

He really did do me a favor in divorcing me. I would've stayed on because I was loyal. We lived through a lot of sh!t together and I would've stuck it out. But it is what it is. Because of his selfishness and cheating, I got to move HOME and be near my family. I got to apply for (and got) my dream job of working at the college level. And, when the time was right, a really awesome guy strolled into my life and captured my heart. Sure, I'm moving again, but not hours away from home like I did before. I am moving to a lovely 40 acre "retreat" in the middle of the woods on a beautiful river that is going to be an amazing place to call home as Sparky and I grow old together. Life really is good for me right now, even if there are these colossal WTF moments occasionally.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2865152
09/12/19 07:53 PM
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doodler Offline
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
I wanted to just unload everything that I have never said to him but I just figured there was no point because he has already put his own spin on it all and he still thinks he did no wrong.


Dawn,

Sorry about the WTF XH. At least it reinforces the fact that you're headed in a much better direction. I think your statement above captures the mentality of cheating scumbags; they live in their own little fantasy world and believe they've done no wrong.

Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2865154
09/12/19 08:06 PM
09/12/19 08:06 PM
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I had a heck of a time getting my ex-wife's name off of things. The credit union refused to let me keep my no-fee senior's chequing account because of in part exactly what you went through. Their - reasonable - argument was that since she had cheques with her name on them that she could legitimately set up withdrawals and there would be nothing I could do about it. The account type had been discontinued so I now pay about $12/month which is just annoying.

It's been a major hassle getting her name off of my different pension accounts as well and I had to get her to send her own email authorizing her taking her name off some of the utility bills.

Everytime I think I have the last cord cut, something else pops up. Hopefully you don't have much other potential liability going on. It sounds like he continues to be a real piece of work.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2865179
09/12/19 11:00 PM
09/12/19 11:00 PM
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AS soon as that account is right side up you need to REMOVE yourself from the account.

Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2865194
09/13/19 12:14 AM
09/13/19 12:14 AM
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I'd bail on that bank NOW.
Don't put any faith in exh taking care of anything.
He's soft as a grape.
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2865201
09/13/19 01:22 AM
09/13/19 01:22 AM
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That’s nuts.

You are so much better off now.

Re: Turn the Page [Re: Dawn70] #2865208
09/13/19 03:43 AM
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It's been almost exactly 5 years since BD. Look how far you've come. Look how far he has been left behind. Of course he misses you - you're awesome and he was a fool to do what he did.

Agree with the others that you should get all financial ties severed ASAP. There's nothing to stop his little pea-brain working out that he could spend up big then dump the fallout onto you.


Me:55 H:55
S:22 S:20
M:24 T:26
BD:Aug 15
D:Sep 17
Re: Turn the Page [Re: devvo] #2865270
09/13/19 07:25 PM
09/13/19 07:25 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,048
D
Dawn70 Offline OP
Member
Dawn70  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,048
Originally Posted by devvo
It's been almost exactly 5 years since BD. Look how far you've come. Look how far he has been left behind. Of course he misses you - you're awesome and he was a fool to do what he did.



Thanks, devvo! I take that as a compliment. Funny thing is, long before XH was a part of my life, I was a very strong, confident person and while I'm not ever going to win any beauty contests, I was secure in what I could offer someone. Fortunately for me, there are some good men in this world who don't give a crap about looks. But anyway, I wanted to get married, have a family, but I was also very comfortable in being single. After XH left and asked for D, I found that person again, relatively quickly, thanks in part to just being stubborn as a mule and in part to an amazing counselor who really helped me work through and process some stuff. I got to a place where I knew that I would be ok no matter what and if I found love again, yay, and if I didn't, ok. And, then, when I least expected it and wasn't even really looking for it, I DID find love again. He's my knight in shining armor country boy that I have always hoped to find. Sure, he has some baggage, but at nearly 50 years old, so do I, so I get it. We both have baggage but no big red flags waving, so it is good.

I appreciate all of your comments and thoughts regarding my financial discussion with XH. He surprised me and closed out the account yesterday. I got a phone call from the bank and we were able to take care of stuff over the phone and get it all squared away, so I'm good to go. Still frustrates me that our conversation seemed focused on everything but the task at hand, but then again, I don't know why I'm surprised by that when he never was comfortable with financial discussions and such.

Anyway, I only have to be here a little bit longer, then I'm off for a weekend full of family birthday celebrations. Surprise party for my dad tonight for his 75th (his actual birthday is today), lunch with a dear friend tomorrow for his upcoming birthday (Sept. 16), a joint birthday party for my 2 oldest grandkids who share a birthday of Sept. 18, and Sunday will be a birthday party for my niece whose actual birthday is today along with my dad. Lots of parties and family time this weekend is just what I need after this long, crappy, trying, stressful week. Oh and dinner next Tuesday with my sis for her birthday, which is actually that day. Sparky's birthday is at the end of this month so we'll have one more celebration to go after next week.

In my "spare" time, I have GOT to get stuff going to get moved to Sparky's. His birthday is the 27th and he's off that day, so I told him, I may take that week off also so we can use that day to work on the house and move. What a way to celebrate a birthday! smile

Happy weekend, dbers. Hope it is a great one!


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
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Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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