Married couple from Scandinavia

[BenB]

Ben,

We are here for you! You will need time to process your decision as well. Keep us updated. Congratulations on the proposal.

Joe

Thank you for your kind words. Today I woke up, went to the gym. Came back up and looked myself in the mirror. I don´t recognize that person. I don´t know who I am anymore. It is so tempting to take a xanax but I can´t/won´t do that.

It´s 8 am here and I went for a walk. I don´t recognize the streets outside the apartment. I´m looking around and it feels like another country. I tried to stop and think about what I´m feeling, what do I want now. The only thought that comes to my mind is that I want someone to walk up to me and shoot me in the head. To end this pain.

But that can´t happen of course. I wouldn´t do that to my family.

A year ago today we were in the middle of planning the last details of our wedding. We were practicing our first dance and recording videos of it so we knew what to adjust. To think a year later I feel like not living anymore.

[AnotherStander]

Great things have happened with my work lately.

Awesome! Congrats, that sounds like great news!

One final thing: the therapist and W agreed that taking out the contraceptive implant could have caused the hormonal imbalance that helped cause all this. She took it out after the wedding so we can start planning for children. So we talked about it during dinner and that she should get a new one.

If removing it caused some kind of chemical imbalance in her body then just putting one back in may make no difference. One of my coworkers tried to quit his anti-depressants cold turkey and it cause a radical shift in his mental stability. He quickly started taking them again, but it made no difference. He spiraled out of control and ended up in a mental hospital for 6 months undergoing some pretty radical treatments. There's a lot medical science doesn't understand about the human mind, chemical balance in the body and how different medications affect it all.

Today the relationship ended. I ended it. I can't explain my decision here unfortunately. I'm afraid she will find these pages some day.

That seems rather sudden, did something happen that triggered it or did you just decide you had enough?

I arranged so she can move out next week. When I said it, it was a shock to her. She hasn't spoken much the entire day. Right after, she said she needs time to process this and will probably talk later.

Yes WAS's often think they are in control, and usually they are. So if they end up getting BD'd it blasts their little house of cards to bits. Ironically it's often something like this that "wakes them up" so I wouldn't be surprised if she asks or even begs you to let her stay. But you never know how they will react, that's why we say not to do this unless you're sure it's what you want. It sounds like that is the case for you?

[BenB]

Great things have happened with my work lately.

Awesome! Congrats, that sounds like great news!

One final thing: the therapist and W agreed that taking out the contraceptive implant could have caused the hormonal imbalance that helped cause all this. She took it out after the wedding so we can start planning for children. So we talked about it during dinner and that she should get a new one.

If removing it caused some kind of chemical imbalance in her body then just putting one back in may make no difference. One of my coworkers tried to quit his anti-depressants cold turkey and it cause a radical shift in his mental stability. He quickly started taking them again, but it made no difference. He spiraled out of control and ended up in a mental hospital for 6 months undergoing some pretty radical treatments. There's a lot medical science doesn't understand about the human mind, chemical balance in the body and how different medications affect it all.

Today the relationship ended. I ended it. I can't explain my decision here unfortunately. I'm afraid she will find these pages some day.

That seems rather sudden, did something happen that triggered it or did you just decide you had enough?

I arranged so she can move out next week. When I said it, it was a shock to her. She hasn't spoken much the entire day. Right after, she said she needs time to process this and will probably talk later.

Yes WAS's often think they are in control, and usually they are. So if they end up getting BD'd it blasts their little house of cards to bits. Ironically it's often something like this that "wakes them up" so I wouldn't be surprised if she asks or even begs you to let her stay. But you never know how they will react, that's why we say not to do this unless you're sure it's what you want. It sounds like that is the case for you?

Thank you AS

Nothing happened but it is a combination of both. Throughout this process it´s been bothering me tremendously that I´m living with a room mate, hoping that one day she will decide if she wants me or not. Yes, I get the whole GAL thing and I´ve worked out like a pro athelete for 6 months now twice a day, I´ve met friends, family and secured business deals and I´ve reached a point in my career I didn´t think would happen until I´m in my 50´s. There are articles about me in newspapers, I´ve been invited as guest on podcasts, people congratulating me for my success. They often end the message with something like "I hope you and your beautiful wife are well".

I should be so happy about that, not thinking about how warm the embrace of death would be. We could have been living the life we´ve always dreamed of now. I wanted to share all this with her and only her.

But she has been lying to me. I know that for a fact now. I´m lucky in that there is no OM, I know this for a fact as well now. I feel so bad for so many people here finding out about their spouses betrayal, I can imagine how much that must hurt and I wish no one would have to experience that. So my sitch should be a walk in the park compared to theirs but it isn´t. The pain is so intense now.

Yes, I am absolutely sure this is what I want. I am ready to move on with this new chapter in my life. But the thought of even touching another woman still sickens me.

After I told her it was over, I also informed her that I have deleted all my social media pages. I feel embarassed since so many people came to our wedding less than a year ago, bought us expensive gifts with our names engraved on many. I can´t stand the thought of having to explain to people what happened so I deleted the pages instead. Feels weird not having any notifications or not having something to scroll through while waiting for taxis or trains or flights.

Yesterday, W texted me and asked if she could remain at home for the rest of the week at least. She said this all feels surreal and she will want talk to about it. I replied "Of course, no problem". I can´t legally throw her out. Her moving out is me asking her to do so. When she came home she was very nice, we had dinner and watched 90 day fiance and commented on what we saw as we always have. She still has her ring on. We didn´t talk about anything last night. I know how difficult it is for her to initiate conversations about serious things, it always has been for her for as long as we´ve known each other. I would be very impressed if she actually did want to talk about our relationship face to face. That would be a complete 180 for her. She can talk about those things but I´ve always had to be the one to initiate. It wouldn´t surprise me if she ends up just moving out without a talk because she´s too afraid to initiate.

On Friday I leave for Athens over the weekend, a business trip. We´ll see what happens when I´m back.

[BenB]

Update

Things have been weird since I ended the relationship on Sunday morning. A few things I have noticed -

- Each morning since this nightmare started, she would listen to music in the bathroom using my portable speaker. I would walk by and hear her singing along to songs. A few months ago, when things were at their worst, that would bother me because here I was in so much pain and she is singing songs in the shower. This stopped after Sunday. The last three days it´s been quiet in the shower.

- She still hasn´t initiated any conversation.

- After I explained to her that I no longer want to be in a relationship with her, I walked over and brought divorce papers that I had filled out and placed them in front of her. I told her to take her time and read through them, perhaps call her dad or a lawyer and then sign them. I had already signed them. Since we don´t have kids and I have a solid prenup, there´s not much for her to read through and we can skip many parts but I still told her to look at it when she can. Yesterday morning I woke up to see the papers were missing. I found them in my drawer again but she hadn´t signed them.

- This morning I went to the gym around 5.30 am, before she woke up. Around 7.40 am, which must have been when she was on her way to work, she sends me a funny meme. Something we used to do when things were normal but hasn´t happened in ages. I respond "haha". 2 hours later I get a notification on my phone "W has sent you a video". I don´t open it right away and 10 minutes later "W has sent you a photo". I open them and the first video is of a dog we were babysitters for 2 years ago that we loved and thought was cute. The video showed us petting him and giving him kisses. The photo was a picture of a plate of home made blinis and beluga caviar that I had prepared for NYE that we spent just the two of us, also from two years ago. Can someone explain what that means? Of all the pictures she could send, she sends pictures of caviar?

I wasn´t sure how to respond so I don´t mention the caviar but to the video of the dog I just write "I miss him" since the dog moved with his owners to Florida shortly after.

[SteveLW]

She's realizing what she's going to be missing. Stuff probably got to real for her with the divorce papers. This is classic pursuit-distance dynamic stuff.

How long are you willing to give her on the divorce papers? If your really done why not just go file? I'm sure you can move forward with or without her signature. My guess is that she is testing you to see if you really meant it or to see if this is just a ploy to manipulate her.

[AnotherStander]

Steve is right, you don't need her signature to file. If you're serious about this then file and have her served. She will have a certain amount of time after being served to either sign or submit a rebuttal. No sneaking the papers back into your drawer.

Nothing happened but it is a combination of both. Throughout this process it´s been bothering me tremendously that I´m living with a room mate, hoping that one day she will decide if she wants me or not. Yes, I get the whole GAL thing and I´ve worked out like a pro athelete for 6 months now twice a day, I´ve met friends, family and secured business deals and I´ve reached a point in my career I didn´t think would happen until I´m in my 50´s. There are articles about me in newspapers, I´ve been invited as guest on podcasts, people congratulating me for my success. They often end the message with something like "I hope you and your beautiful wife are well".

I get that. Just about anyone who goes through this will get fed up with it eventually. 5 months is maybe a little on the early side but if you're at peace with it and not flip-flopping back and forth daily then maybe it's time.

I should be so happy about that, not thinking about how warm the embrace of death would be.

I can relate to that thought too. Hang in there, you will get past this and learn to enjoy life again.

But she has been lying to me. I know that for a fact now. I´m lucky in that there is no OM, I know this for a fact as well now. I feel so bad for so many people here finding out about their spouses betrayal, I can imagine how much that must hurt and I wish no one would have to experience that. So my sitch should be a walk in the park compared to theirs but it isn´t. The pain is so intense now.

Lying is betrayal. You're going through all the same feelings as someone who has been cheated on.

Yes, I am absolutely sure this is what I want. I am ready to move on with this new chapter in my life. But the thought of even touching another woman still sickens me.

Yup, again I can so relate to what you are going through, I did too. I experienced ED for the first time in my life when I started seeing other women. It felt like I was doing something terribly wrong. I was with my XW for 25 years, it was very difficult transitioning from being a "married dad". But I kept at it and after while started really enjoying it. Just be patient with yourself. You don't have to rush into anything.

Can someone explain what that means? Of all the pictures she could send, she sends pictures of caviar?

It means you stole her Plan B and now she's scrambling to get it back. My opinion? Ignore every single thing she sends you. You've laid down a boundary stating you are done and want her out, stick to it. Let her feel the loss for a while and see what she does.

[BenB]

Thank you Steve and AS,

I understand why she would send old photos but the caviar? That night I also made the snow egg, a dessert made famous by Masterchef Australia which is very difficult to make. Why not that one if it was a memory from that night? Or a picture of the kobe beef I cooked that night? The caviar picture wasn't even a nice picture, just a weird choice and not like her at all since she is so picky about choosing the right photos.

If I send in the divorce papers without her signature they automatically force us to wait 6 months. If she signs, once we send it in and they register it, it is over. But it's only been a few days. She has already said she wanted to stay this week so I'll go to Athens on Friday and expect us to discuss the details of her moving out when I'm back in Monday evening.

But yeah, I have a feeling it won't go exactly as planned.

[AnotherStander]

Yeah it's weird, but WAS's do some weird stuff. If you figure out why she does all this weird junk then you have a leg up on the rest of us, LOL!

Sounds like a good plan, enjoy your trip! If she texts you while you are out I would just ignore it unless it's something urgent. Not having children makes it easier to go dark.

[BenB]

Second day in Athens now.

Yesterday, I felt anxiety for the first time since the break up. I started questioning my decision. When I woke up Friday morning, we met in the hall as I was getting ready to go to the gym. We looked at each other and simultaneously went in for a hug. We held each other for a while, then said goodbye and I went for my daily work out.

No communication after that but this morning she messaged and asked how dinner was last night. I know perhaps best not to answer but I sent her a few pics. We are both foodies and the food here is ridiculously good so part of me wants her to see what she's missing. She responded with the angry emoji, our internal humor. She then said, to my surprise, that she would like to join next time I go to Athens. I didn't respond. Has she not heard anything I've said? I have made it clear many times that if we break up, we won't have any contact with each other.

Monday at 5pm we have a dinner reservation so we can discuss the future and how to handle the practical side of the separation. I have a feeling she will resist moving out.

She's certainly been stalling it but we have agreed that we need to talk about our situation on Monday so after that she has no other choice. She either moves out or refuses but that would mean we are divorced while living together. That'd be a nightmare of course.

This would be so much better for everyone if things somehow worked out. But I don't see how that would be possible. I don't see her suddenly being willing to do anything to work on our MR.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Ben

It looks like you reach your limit, and reacted, made a decision. If you are done, that’s fine. But...

This would be so much better for everyone if things somehow worked out. But I don't see how that would be possible. I don't see her suddenly being willing to do anything to work on our MR.

Ben, figure out what you want. That doesn’t read like someone being done. Sorry man, emotional cycling is painful.

So where you are right now. You gave her signed papers. The ball is in her court. She put the papers back in your drawer. There are a few avenues for you to take - all need to start with focus on you.

If you’re done, file unsigned and go dark. The 6 months waiting period is probably a good thing.

If unsure. Let her do the heavy lifting, she can sign and file. Until then you live as a roommate, and really get to that place. She can decide just what she wants to do. This is basically what is recommended. I really don’t advocate divorce unless abuse or some such is happening. This requires you to see that limit you reached is self imposed. You have much more within you Ben. You are stronger than you realize.

Or you can even talk about why she put the papers back. She will try to pull you back into the dance. Don’t get pulled in. From here you can decide further.

To me it looks like you want to give the final last Hail Mary attempt and put all the cards on the table.

From what you said - would be so much better if things just somehow worked out. There is no crystal ball, I cannot see the future, it is unknown, and full of possibilities and hope. Focusing on you, digging deep (really deep), GAL, letting go, detaching, becoming indifferent, losing fear - all that is for you! And your best chance at things somehow working out.

My friend, there is no right or wrong in this messy and mixed up situation. Each choice has its own benefits and consequences, we LBS need to find the ones that we can live, and find peace with. That takes time.

I am here for you and support you.

DnJ