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A Message from Michele
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Re: I donít know what to do 6 [Re: ozman] #2856724
07/12/19 03:27 AM
07/12/19 03:27 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 619
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ozman Offline OP
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ozman  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 619
Iím still failing at Gal cw. Itís hard to do something you just donít really have the time for. Plus I canít help that I donít want to.

I have never lived alone. I donít really like being alone. Iíve done it enough to know I donít like it. Truth be told Iíve kinda ran into a wall. Iím doin really well on 180s. Iím DBing ok but doing terrible at GAL.

I really just miss my wife. I really donít know how to keep it up. Itís 10 pm and she just got on messenger 15 minutes ago. It hurts. It hurts bad. It maybe old friends. She has a lot of them here. I know some of her msgs are from just friends. But I think some of them are not.

There for 4-5 days the pain was subsiding. But itís back. I think itís cause it sank in that all the improvements. All the ground gained could just be for nothing.

She has opened up more
She laughs more
She has been noticing me more
She has softened her demeanor
She asks about my day
She asks what Iím thinking
She acts like she appreciates me

And it could all be for show. Itís mean to do what sheís done. But to give somebody false hope is cruel. It hurts in a way that I canít explain. Sad,pain,anguish,suffering,hurt. None of these words are quite powerful enough to describe what I feel.

And maybe itís not for show. Maybe itís the exact results that are described in DR. MWD says that there are three things that could happen , nothing, slow improvements or WAS immediately reverses. So maybe there really is something to be hopeful about

Either way. There is a part of me that wonít change. That canít. The part of me that every night when we go to bed hopes that this is the night she will softly say ILY or out her arm around me.

Damn I just miss her. I miss us and we and family and together and everything that goes with it.

I love wearing my wedding ring. I love it when a girl who is checking me out sees my ring and knows Iím taken

My purpose is my family. That is my definition that is me. When I discovered her I discovered me.

She made me better than I was.

I just plain miss her. Thereís no two ways about it. I just want her back. I donít want to have to compete for her. I did that already and I won. I shouldnít have to do it again.

This [censored]. It isnít fair and it isnít right.

I just hurt


Last edited by ozman; 07/12/19 03:33 AM.

Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
Re: I donít know what to do 6 [Re: ozman] #2856734
07/12/19 06:03 AM
07/12/19 06:03 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 71
Somewhere
J
Josh_T Offline
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Posts: 71
Somewhere
Hang in there ozman! Detachment gets better, GAL improves. I know because I felt the same as you. Its ok to feel that way, it's natural and will change.

Are you by any chance in Australia? If so what city?


Me: 45 w/ S5, D7
Current T: 9; M: 8 years; BD: 11-11-18; W: 42
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 45
Re: I donít know what to do 6 [Re: ozman] #2856748
07/12/19 11:19 AM
07/12/19 11:19 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 619
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ozman Offline OP
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ozman  Offline OP
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No Iím in the U.S. in Kansas


Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
Re: I donít know what to do 6 [Re: ozman] #2856753
07/12/19 12:25 PM
07/12/19 12:25 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,753
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,753
Originally Posted by ozman
No Iím in the U.S. in Kansas


Toto, you're not in Kansas anymore! (Sorry, couldn't resist.)


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: I donít know what to do 6 [Re: ozman] #2856754
07/12/19 12:36 PM
07/12/19 12:36 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 740
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ballast Offline
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Oz,

Nobody on here who's gone through what you are going through would disagree with you that getting through this time of your life is/can be a living H*ll, BUT you must do so and with time you will!

What you wrote is way way co-dependent!! Are you working with a counselor? Never having lived alone, "when I discovered her I discovered me"...you are completely focused and consumed by her and your family. You need to find the strength inside of you to put YOU FIRST!!! Both for your own health, happiness and life to come, but also for your family.

When life is beating you up, albeit all of us have taken time to grieve and will progress through this at our own unique pace, but you MUST save yourself buddy. It does ****, it isn't fair and may not even be right, but you can not continue to deny facing it because IT IS your truth right now.

Praying for you buddy. You have the strength within yourself to get through this trial in your life.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 7/19
Re: I donít know what to do 6 [Re: ozman] #2856758
07/12/19 12:52 PM
07/12/19 12:52 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,753
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Oz, I just posted this in CW's thread, and feel that you need to read this.

Please read this slowly....and understand. You are reacting out of fear, instead of proactively acting to better yourself, and your situation. Please do not just scan this, I feel that you have an attention span problem which is why you haven't been able to really take hold of what you are reading, both here and in the book:

Originally Posted by Steve85
Being in control of your own destiny is euphoric, a revelation, and is an epiphany. The minute I realized that I was going to be just fine no matter what my W decided, the better I started moving forward. DBing became a breeze at that point. And her attraction to me went through the roof. Most people are not into someone being too attached, to into them, and a spineless worm to boot. Once you find your balls, man-up (or lady-up if you are a female LBS), and start moving forward whether the WAS follows suit or not, the more attractive the LBS becomes. One of the problems with WAWs is they feel like they could walk back into the LBS's open arms ANYTIME THEY WANT.

This is why it is important to move on. LBSs get paralyzed with fear: "What if he/she thinks I am fine with splitting up?" That is fear. Fear breeds contempt (for you), because it will cause you to behave in ways that do not command respect. Without respect, your WAS will never be attracted back to you!

If we could get other LBSs to understand this, they would be much better off. Either you will win your WAS back through commanding respect. Or you will be tough enough to move forward without them and realize you will not only survive, but thrive!


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: I donít know what to do 6 [Re: ozman] #2856760
07/12/19 01:02 PM
07/12/19 01:02 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,296
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AnotherStander Offline
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Posts: 7,296
Originally Posted by ozman
Iím still failing at Gal cw. Itís hard to do something you just donít really have the time for. Plus I canít help that I donít want to.


You're rationalizing not doing the right thing. You have to MAKE yourself GAL. No one said it will be easy, in fact it is possibly the hardest thing you will have done in your life. You want to curl up in a corner and throw yourself a pity party, but you can't, you've got to force yourself to get out and do something. You'll have to force it for weeks or maybe even months, but eventually you'll start to enjoy it.

Quote
I have never lived alone. I donít really like being alone.


Perfect, find some GAL activities that involve others. NO EXCUSES.

Quote
Truth be told Iíve kinda ran into a wall. Iím doin really well on 180s. Iím DBing ok but doing terrible at GAL.


Exactly, so fix that.

Quote
I really just miss my wife.


Of course you do, just like all of us here do or did. That is part of it. We're giving you the tools to help you with that.

Quote
She has opened up more
She laughs more
She has been noticing me more
She has softened her demeanor
She asks about my day
She asks what Iím thinking
She acts like she appreciates me

And it could all be for show. Itís mean to do what sheís done. But to give somebody false hope is cruel.


Oz, again this isn't anything she is doing, it's your PERCEPTION. You are so desperate and needy that you read positive signs into everything, and then a day later when she hasn't begged you to give her another chance then you declare it was all fake. What do we keep telling you over and over? This is going to take TIME and lots of it. She's showing improvements, GOOD! Pat yourself on the back for doing some good DB'ing and keep doing what you're doing.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: I donít know what to do 6 [Re: ozman] #2856762
07/12/19 01:09 PM
07/12/19 01:09 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 197
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Destroyd Offline
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AnotherStander, I love reading your posts. Your demeanor and kindness is pitch perfect. You give tough advice in a very loving way. That is so helpful to those of us who are beating ourselves up for struggling with DBing.

I think you realize it isn't easy, but you work to inspire us to keep moving forward. Thank you!!


M: 22, T: 27
Three Children
BD: 12/15/18
Re: I donít know what to do 6 [Re: AnotherStander] #2856765
07/12/19 01:15 PM
07/12/19 01:15 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,753
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,753
Originally Posted by Destroyd
AnotherStander, I love reading your posts. Your demeanor and kindness is pitch perfect. You give tough advice in a very loving way. That is so helpful to those of us who are beating ourselves up for struggling with DBing.

I think you realize it isn't easy, but you work to inspire us to keep moving forward. Thank you!!


Agreed! I wish I could be more gentle. AS is awesome!!

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by ozman
Iím still failing at Gal cw. Itís hard to do something you just donít really have the time for. Plus I canít help that I donít want to.


You're rationalizing not doing the right thing. You have to MAKE yourself GAL. No one said it will be easy, in fact it is possibly the hardest thing you will have done in your life. You want to curl up in a corner and throw yourself a pity party, but you can't, you've got to force yourself to get out and do something. You'll have to force it for weeks or maybe even months, but eventually you'll start to enjoy it.

Quote
I have never lived alone. I donít really like being alone.


Perfect, find some GAL activities that involve others. NO EXCUSES.

Quote
Truth be told Iíve kinda ran into a wall. Iím doin really well on 180s. Iím DBing ok but doing terrible at GAL.


Exactly, so fix that.

Quote
I really just miss my wife.


Of course you do, just like all of us here do or did. That is part of it. We're giving you the tools to help you with that.

Quote
She has opened up more
She laughs more
She has been noticing me more
She has softened her demeanor
She asks about my day
She asks what Iím thinking
She acts like she appreciates me

And it could all be for show. Itís mean to do what sheís done. But to give somebody false hope is cruel.


Oz, again this isn't anything she is doing, it's your PERCEPTION. You are so desperate and needy that you read positive signs into everything, and then a day later when she hasn't begged you to give her another chance then you declare it was all fake. What do we keep telling you over and over? This is going to take TIME and lots of it. She's showing improvements, GOOD! Pat yourself on the back for doing some good DB'ing and keep doing what you're doing.




Oz please read this post from AS closely. Especially the GAL portion. You've claimed that you can't GAL because that is what you did before BD. Yet, nothing you've said since then shows that. It sounds like you are with her ALL the time, both before BD and after. I love my W. She is my favorite person in the world. But being with her 24/7, 365, for years would DRIVE ME UP THE WALL. Sometimes you need a break from someone, and it sounds like you need to give her a break. AS is right here. You've been full of excuses and rationalizations for not GAL.And I believe it is fear motivating that (see my previous post). Stop being afraid and start being strong!


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: I donít know what to do 6 [Re: ozman] #2856783
07/12/19 03:07 PM
07/12/19 03:07 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 619
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ozman Offline OP
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ozman  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 619
What I did before BD was make plans without her. Go to friends house after work and not call. Stuff like that


Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
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