CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 #2856023
07/07/19 02:36 PM
07/07/19 02:36 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
H
HrtHsbnd Offline OP
Member
HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157

Last edited by HrtHsbnd; 07/07/19 02:37 PM.
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2856026
07/07/19 02:42 PM
07/07/19 02:42 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
H
HrtHsbnd Offline OP
Member
HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
Sandi, you are a prophet!

I do believe my wife is very immature. Throughout all of this, she has done all of the wrong things. Everyone that Iíve spoken to has commented that she is acting like a high school girl about this situation. This is the first time in her life sheís ever had to grow up and deal with the consequences of her decisions and I feel she is not doing well at all. She seems to be very depressed, even though she wonít admit that to me.

Her emotions are all over the place and she seems very wishy washy, using words like together, etc. Then she turns around and says she wants a S and D and has remained constant with that. I donít know what to think about that.

One example is that it seems like she has totally emotionally checked out of our marriage. When it felt like I should, I have sent her texts and even read letters to her over the phone. I got no response to the texts, but I could tell she had some emotions when I read my letter over the phone. She has been very business in texts for a month only talking about our son. She basically has me on the no contact rule. In some ways, I feel like sheís DBing me!

One thing I left out is her parents. They own their own home not too far away from us, yet they choose to live with us because of our so. Theyíve been living with us since he was born and it has driven me crazy. I have asked and asked her to ask them to leave and she just never would. She said theyíre her parents and she cannot ask them to leave. Her parents have always been an important part of her life, but that has gone way up since our son was born.

Truthfully, she hasnít had to feel the consequences of her actions because her parents are always there. Our S tells me all the time that she never does anything with him, but her mom always does. Iím out here GAL, finding myself, working on myself with therapy, being a single parent and being the best dad anyone could be. Sheís not had to do ANY of that and it seems like thatís going to slow down the process.


Originally Posted by sandi2
I have a few minutes to post, so I wanted to drop by your thread to share a few thoughts about your sitch. IMHO, the real estate deal should not have been a life changing event that led to breaking up the MR. I see your W as either being immature, or she was using the real estate deal as her platform to end the M.
P
I want to ask you a question. Do you know who the real HrtHsbnd is? Are you being your true self, or are you trying to be someone you think she wants?

Quote
Any ideas on how to make my wife miss me?


Yes, I'd start by letting go of the emotional rope. Take your focus off her and the MR. Move forward with your life.
When you earnestly let go, she will know it.......and if there's a chance she could ever miss you, that's it. Why? B/c she can sense when she's lost her hold on you. When none of her little escapades work anymore, and when you stop rescuing her from consequences and just let her deal with the reality she's caused.

Do you live in your in-laws house, or do they live in your house? How long?


Last edited by HrtHsbnd; 07/07/19 02:46 PM.
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2856027
07/07/19 02:55 PM
07/07/19 02:55 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
H
HrtHsbnd Offline OP
Member
HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
I didnít answer this question.

I would like to think that I know who I am. I used to always be the most positive person anyone knew. I think that all changed when her parents decided to move in and take over our lives. Instead of our home being a family of 3, it turned into a family of 5. I have been told this is one of the worst cases of parental involvement people have seen.

During our situation, I decided that I didnít like the Negative Nellie I had become. I went to therapy and have gone almost every week since. In addition, Iíve tried to do a lot of research, as well as work on myself to find me again. I also wanted to do whatever I could to take my mind off things.

I am the person she wants. I just lost myself in the negativity. It was my positivity that won her over to me, as well as being her listening ear. I want to show her that I am me again, but she just wonít have any of it. We know each other better than anyone and thatís not a good thing right now. She knows what buttons to push to get a reaction out of me and I almost fall for it every time, though I feel like I am getting better. I think it just takes time.

I donít think she knows who she is anymore with all of this, though. Unfortunately, right now I donít think she cares if sheís herself or someone she thinks I want.

We have always held hands throughout whatever life has given us and she just wonít let me anymore. I feel that I have all the answers to fix this situation or at least really move it forward in a positive direction as a family, if she would just trust me and give me that chance.

Originally Posted by sandi2
I want to ask you a question. Do you know who the real HrtHsbnd is? Are you being your true self, or are you trying to be someone you think she wants?

Last edited by HrtHsbnd; 07/07/19 03:01 PM.
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2856029
07/07/19 03:12 PM
07/07/19 03:12 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
H
HrtHsbnd Offline OP
Member
HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
Can you give me some examples of this?
What does this look like?
What do you mean by her escapades?
What do you mean by rescuing her from her consequences?

I agree with you on this and I want to make sure I understand and am doing exactly what needs to be done.

I do feel like I am riding her emotional rollercoaster with her and I donít like it. Some days she is very nice with me over the phone and some days sheís not. When sheís around her parents, she is a freaking turd. When we are in MC, she turns into a tough guy.

She calls my family and tells them she doesnít think Iím taking her seriously when she says we are getting divorced, yet I feel I am taking her seriously but still hoping for the best. She will also call them to wish them a happy birthday, too.

But, why does she call my family if she wants to end it with me? I know I need to not care, but itís just frustrating to me!

Quote
Any ideas on how to make my wife miss me?


Originally Posted by sandi2

Yes, I'd start by letting go of the emotional rope. Take your focus off her and the MR. Move forward with your life.
When you earnestly let go, she will know it.......and if there's a chance she could ever miss you, that's it. Why? B/c she can sense when she's lost her hold on you. When none of her little escapades work anymore, and when you stop rescuing her from consequences and just let her deal with the reality she's caused.

Last edited by HrtHsbnd; 07/07/19 03:13 PM.
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2856034
07/07/19 03:47 PM
07/07/19 03:47 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,005
T
TBSakaJ9 Offline
Member
TBSakaJ9  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,005
The reason why you are on the roller coaster is because you are still attached to her and you are actively trying to save your marriage. No one on this board knows what your W is thinking and neither do you. You are doing all of these things loosing weight, reading, learning etc. with the hopes of your W noticing and then she would return. You don't do these things for her you do them for yourself. You are still so very focused on everything that your W does.

Do what you want to do for you, for your S. Become a better man for you and your S. Lose weight for yourself,, get healthy for yourself. Shift your focus...none of what I mentioned has anything to do with your wife. Or don't do anything, just like she is doing and move forward with your life.

The reason why the people who want out of the MR do nothing is because they don't feel they are the problem or feel that they have anything to work on. The initial motivation to change for the LBS is certainly driven by their feelings for their spouse and their desire to not get D'd but over time that will change.

Become the man you want to be not what your W wants or you think she wants you to be.

It is very obvious when people start to make the shift because they stop posting about their W and what she is doing or saying and they post more about what they are doing to become a better person.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2856037
07/07/19 04:07 PM
07/07/19 04:07 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
H
HrtHsbnd Offline OP
Member
HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
Great post and thank you!

I do agree that I am still attached and Iím trying to get off of it and go to a more middle ground. When sheís upset, Iím ok. When sheís happy, Iím ok.

I do want to let you know that I feel like Iíve been doing all of this hard work for me. I would be blind if I didnít say it was also for our marriage, but ultimately it is for me. If I make these lasting changes then I will be a better person regardless.

Would you care to explain more about what you meant when you said, Ď The reason why the people who want out of the MR do nothing is because they don't feel they are the problem or feel that they have anything to work on. The initial motivation to change for the LBS is certainly driven by their feelings for their spouse and their desire to not get D'd but over time that will change?í

I would like to know more about what you mean. She has told me several times before that she feels that sheís done nothing wrong and wants me to take the blame for everything. I have taken the blame for the S, but I donít think anything Iíve done is cause for a D. Iíve told her I blame her for that decision, as thatís not on me.

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
The reason why you are on the roller coaster is because you are still attached to her and you are actively trying to save your marriage. No one on this board knows what your W is thinking and neither do you. You are doing all of these things loosing weight, reading, learning etc. with the hopes of your W noticing and then she would return. You don't do these things for her you do them for yourself. You are still so very focused on everything that your W does.

Do what you want to do for you, for your S. Become a better man for you and your S. Lose weight for yourself,, get healthy for yourself. Shift your focus...none of what I mentioned has anything to do with your wife. Or don't do anything, just like she is doing and move forward with your life.

The reason why the people who want out of the MR do nothing is because they don't feel they are the problem or feel that they have anything to work on. The initial motivation to change for the LBS is certainly driven by their feelings for their spouse and their desire to not get D'd but over time that will change.

Become the man you want to be not what your W wants or you think she wants you to be.

It is very obvious when people start to make the shift because they stop posting about their W and what she is doing or saying and they post more about what they are doing to become a better person.

Last edited by HrtHsbnd; 07/07/19 04:09 PM.
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2856041
07/07/19 04:22 PM
07/07/19 04:22 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,005
T
TBSakaJ9 Offline
Member
TBSakaJ9  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,005
You have to remember that your W isn't on this board so generally speaking, outside of becoming more attractive for a new partner she is probably unware or willing to accept any responsibility. People can rationalize and say anything to shift guilt. The failure of a marriage, outside of hard issues, is never just one person's fault. More than likely your W doesn't want to be the person so they say anything to deflect or not be made out to be the bad person.

Thats why you pay attention to actions not words.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2856049
07/07/19 05:22 PM
07/07/19 05:22 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
H
HrtHsbnd Offline OP
Member
HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
So is it common for WAW to not want to work on their marriage?

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
You have to remember that your W isn't on this board so generally speaking, outside of becoming more attractive for a new partner she is probably unware or willing to accept any responsibility. People can rationalize and say anything to shift guilt. The failure of a marriage, outside of hard issues, is never just one person's fault. More than likely your W doesn't want to be the person so they say anything to deflect or not be made out to be the bad person.

Thats why you pay attention to actions not words.

Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2856051
07/07/19 05:44 PM
07/07/19 05:44 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,090
S
sandi2 Offline
Member
sandi2  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,090
Quote
Can you give me some examples of this?
What does this look like?


When you were a kid, did you ever play tug-of-war? You and an opponent pull on a rope, and whoever pulls the other one over the middle line, first, wins the game. Both teams are struggling with all their might, pulling on that rope! That's what a lot of couples do when facing a sitch like yours. However, the minute you drop your end of the rope.......the struggle is over. You walk away from it and focus on making a life for yourself. That's dropping the rope! You stop trying to figure out how to get her back. You stop wondering what she's doing, what she's thinking, etc. You just go on with life as though she were no longer a part of it. You don't act mean, cold-hearted, or anything along those lines....but you don't get involved with her drama.

Quote
Quote
B/c she can sense when she's lost her hold on you. When none of her little escapades work anymore, and when you stop rescuing her from consequences and just let her deal with the reality she's caused.


What do you mean by her escapades?


Whenever she acts helpless/desperate, or says that nobody cares about her, or whatever she decides to use that will make you do whatever it is she wants at that particular moment. She will say and do things that mislead, dumbfound, and confuse you......b/c you think logically, and she doesn't. She will test you to see if you are still emotionally attached to her, and when she sees that you are......then she's not interested. The one thing the WW doesn't really consider.....is losing the H's love and availability in her life. She doesn't want him, but she thought he would always carry a torch for her. I know that makes no sense to you, but it is the arrogant mindset. She doesn't really see him replacing her position in his life. Even if she tells him she wants him to find someone else......she doesn't mean it. It's just a scenario she gives.

Quote
What do you mean by rescuing her from her consequences?


When she said she wanted a D and left you, then her problems became her problems.......not yours. She has fired you, so now you stop playing like her H. Most times the W's problems are about her need for more money. Maybe she's maxed out her credit cards, took too many weekend trips, bought too many clothes......whatever. If she wants a new car and can't afford one on her salary alone, don't co-sign for a loan and don't buy her a car. If all her old friends don't invite her to their get-togethers any more, don't try to fix their relationship. Let her figure it out.

Some W's will call their LBH, complaining about something, and the H thinks if he fixes it (or rescues her) then he scores brownie points. If she has a wayward mindset, it won't get him any closer to reconciliation. Allowing her to face consequences that came due to her decision to leave the M, is a form of tough love. She doesn't want you, but she wants you to fix her bills or buy her something b/c she can't afford it? No, it doesn't work that way. If she wants to live on her own, then she has to figure out how to do it. (I hope you will stay balanced about this, and don't get crazy.) BTW, don't decide to repeat any of these words to her, thinking you'll break through to her.

Quote
I do feel like I am riding her emotional rollercoaster with her and I donít like it. Some days she is very nice with me over the phone and some days sheís not. When sheís around her parents, she is a freaking turd. When we are in MC, she turns into a tough guy.


Then get off the ride! When you see her bringing drama.......you don't engage. If possible, you remove yourself. You be you, and stop trying to win her back. When she's nice, just remind yourself it means NOTHING. Don't start doing cartwheels or anything.......just be polite. If she starts pulling the freaking turd trick, separate yourself from her. Her parents are on their own.

Quote
She calls my family and tells them she doesnít think Iím taking her seriously when she says we are getting divorced, yet I feel I am taking her seriously but still hoping for the best. She will also call them to wish them a happy birthday, too.

But, why does she call my family if she wants to end it with me? I know I need to not care, but itís just frustrating to me!


Control and manipulation. Even if you can't understand or see it, she is doing it to benefit herself somehow.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2856058
07/07/19 06:32 PM
07/07/19 06:32 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,090
S
sandi2 Offline
Member
sandi2  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,090
Quote
One example is that it seems like she has totally emotionally checked out of our marriage. When it felt like I should, I have sent her texts and even read letters to her over the phone. I got no response to the texts, but I could tell she had some emotions when I read my letter over the phone.


She is emotionally checked out. And let me tell ya, when you try to make her feel something she doesn't want to feel.......you're just digging the M grave deeper.

To you, it may seem you are trying to help her when she's depressed. However, it is heavy pursuit, and trying to get her to have some emotion is simply not your place. I see this all the time when reading LBH threads. They try to make the W feel a certain way, and it's very frustrating. LBH's want to see some type of response, so they poke & poke until they get something. I'm telling you it does not help the H's cause. Reading letters over the phone is pressure. She may have gotten a little emotional, but that's all it was. Please stop texting, emailing, and calling........unless it is urgent. She sees all of it as you smothering her to death. So, back off and give her plenty of breathing room (which her parents never have).

Quote
One thing I left out is her parents. They own their own home not too far away from us, yet they choose to live with us because of our so. Theyíve been living with us since he was born and it has driven me crazy. I have asked and asked her to ask them to leave and she just never would. She said theyíre her parents and she cannot ask them to leave. Her parents have always been an important part of her life, but that has gone way up since our son was born.


That's very unfortunate, b/c the M won't stand a chance as long as you have other people living in the house with you. I put extra emphasis on in-laws!! No wonder she seems immature, if her parents are there all the time and taking up her slack. frown If the MR reconciles, there needs to be a very serious agreement in place that she will stand beside you when YOU tell her parents that it's time for them to go home. In fact, why can't you tell them to go home now, since their daughter no lives there?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004