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A Message from Michele
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Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2857100
07/15/19 05:23 PM
07/15/19 05:23 PM
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kml Online
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First - don't ASSume. The talk might be about something else entirely, so wait for it.

Second - one of the silver linings about divorce was that I no longer feared being dumped. Being dumped after 26 years, I feel like being dumped after just dating for a while is small potatoes. Honestly, I fought so long and so hard for my marriage, I feel like if some guy isn'tcrazy into being with me, I don't need him. The LAST thing I want is to be back in a relationship where I'm doing the heavy lifting with someone who isn't all that enthused about being with me. And one thing I've learned dating after divorce is there are plenty of guys who are enthused about being with me.

Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2857101
07/15/19 05:37 PM
07/15/19 05:37 PM
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ballast Offline OP
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kml... Definitely NOT trying to ASSume, but no man has EVER heard those words and the conversation was not the end. I would LOVE to talk with her about our relationship because I genuinely care about her, am in love with her and want our relationship. For her to say what she did in that way...a man's defenses go crazy. Silly perhaps but so true.

And yes, I know this 2nd point very well. If this is the end, it is not so much that it is the end, but that I thought she was wonderful and we had so much potential. To have had her telling her whole family how in love she was with me and then in less than 90 days pull the plug...did that mean all of what she felt at first were lies? From the beginning I've felt how I've felt and meant it stil. What can we do but go on. I will of course if that happens, but this short 3 months will have hurt me far worse than the 18 months I just endured. At least with ex-W I knew she couldn't stand me. None of this makes sense and honestly I laugh to God sometimes wondering "how much more are you going to pour on me lord?". I know I'll endure. This relationship has helped me learn and grown in many ways. No matter what I'll accept and go on.

Thank you for your comments!

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2857102
07/15/19 05:40 PM
07/15/19 05:40 PM
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LH19 Offline
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B,

You’re well equipped now.

Listen
Validate
“I’m sorry you feel that way but if you change your mind give me a call”.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2857103
07/15/19 05:47 PM
07/15/19 05:47 PM
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Posts: 15,119
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kml Online
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Quote
To have had her telling her whole family how in love she was with me and then in less than 90 days pull the plug...did that mean all of what she felt at first were lies?


PLEASE look up "love bombing". Mature adults really should be more mature than to be "madly in love" within a short time of meeting someone. That's a huge red flag. Anybody over 30 or with a few relationships under their belt should exercise more caution and understand that while infatuation feels great, it takes at least a few months to really get to know who someone is.

People who come on super strong in the beginning should be viewed with caution, if not outright suspicion, until you have spent a few months getting to know them.

Love bombers are very seductive and it's easy to fall into their trap but there's usually something wrong at the core. Often they have "dark triad" personality disorders of narcissism, sociopathy or Machiavellian tendencies. Please read up on it before you meet with her. It may be enlightening.

Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2857105
07/15/19 05:56 PM
07/15/19 05:56 PM
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Posts: 2,800
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When my rebound relationship ended it stung even though I knew it was unlikely to turn into anything and I was expecting it to end.

But - what I got out of it was that "hey - I do have something to offer and there are people out there who want what I'm selling".

I then took a fairly long break and worked on finding out who I was which has given me a strong foundation to stand on I think.

This too shall pass.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2857106
07/15/19 06:03 PM
07/15/19 06:03 PM
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Thanks LH and kml.

I will look up the love bombing. She was "so in love" as she told the women in her family. She approached me first and was always genuine in her interest. As I've said before though...she's been in counseling with a plan to make time for herself outside of work. When work got crazy she pulled away and then she got to questioning us.

Listen, validate and let me know else have a nice life. I read the quote in your signature many times LH, but only recently given what has happened with new girl have I taken it to heart. I will not chase. Just will NOT do that. I will walk directly and in the exact opposite direction from her as the high value man that any woman would be lucky to have.

My counselor has told me I can't save her nor fix her nor anything about work consuming her whole life and I know that. She has no balance in her life by her own choice and inaction. Counselor does believe she'll regret letting me go. Who knows, this whole thing if it ends just blows me away.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2857107
07/15/19 06:05 PM
07/15/19 06:05 PM
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FWIW.....every girl that has come on strong right out of the gates has never worked out for me. The longest anyone of them lasted was a month.

Slow and steady wins the race.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2857109
07/15/19 06:07 PM
07/15/19 06:07 PM
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Andrew thanks for your comments! I guess because we both thought this one had potential to go a long way, that makes this all the more confusing.

Thankfully I am aware of other ladies who have shown interest in me and that knowledge helped me a ton getting through my D. The seemingly randomness of emotions from ladies...I'm not naive enough to say I won't try again, but I completely do wonder if ANY modern relationship can last til death do us part anymore. And that makes me question why bother then to start again in the first place.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2857197
07/16/19 09:15 AM
07/16/19 09:15 AM
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ballast Offline OP
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well as expected "so we can talk" was the kiss of death for our relationship.

of course she pushed back the time for us to talk because of work and she said to me "need to go over some things that I can put in for work tonight" meaning that she was going to leave work, come home dump me as if firing an employee and then go back to work. i listened though she had very little to say beyond the fake chit chat she tried to open with. we had no time to fight or create real reasons for the demise of our relationship. all of those talks we had about relationships, turning in to each other when things came up in life that we would handle together, never happened. best as i can tell it was all lies.

as i knew she was dumping me before i left to go see her i looked up work addiction. honestly, thinking it more of a joke if I found any hits for it, instead i found that it was a factual mental health issue. so much of what it said describes her currently. she has been in counseling in which she has been challenged to figure out how to reduce her workload and create more of a life balance for herself. my counselor had said to me on hearing that you can't fix her, if she splits with you it was all on her as this issue predates you. she said i was wonderful, i said then why are you quitting and throwing us away. bottom line she wants to handle the changes she says she wants to make by herself.

at that i got up, empty my water, put on my shoes, went out to my car and brought in the things she had loaned me. she said you can't just walk out you are part of my life now, i told her sadly no i'm not. she asked to hug me crying, i stood there and let her put her arms around me. didn't lean into her nor put my arms around her. i told her i loved her, you know where to find me if you change your mind and i walked out. and unless she contacts me somewhere down the line, she will hear nothing but complete silence from me.

i can say i didn't, WE didn't deserve this and she knows this. not trying to be a victim, but it's true. we DID NOT spend enough time together to have legitmate issues between us from our interactions/time together. she said "right now i'm not able to give our relationship all the time that i want to give it." i know she has some deep feelings for me, but bottom line her work trumps everything in her life. heck who's to say she might have said I was the world to her, but in the end whatever her reasons she let me go and it hurts like h**l. but i left like a man. i won't chase her and it is her right to do with her life as she sees fit. i saw a ton of wonderful in her and it is comical that one week ago she was kissing me, holding my hand while she snuggled beside me and watch fireworks on the water with her kids....and now this.

i'm sure folks will say "take some time, work on you" now that this has happened. fact is throughout this experience I've worked on myself, i have learned and will continue to do so. the truth is this split was not about me. this was about her life and what she needs to do for herself. i will always be in love with the woman i found, i guess it's possible she could change her mind, but now that she's shown that when things come up in life she would rather work through them alone than with me, at what cost would i pay to take her back.

LH, man I didn't listen much, as she said very little. said how good I was at communicating and she was horrible, but she said enough to for me to know what she wanted. i validated her as best as i could given the few coherent words she put together. she looks exhausted, looked that way before she left for her trip. ain't mine to fix. I loved her.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: My Future Awaits [Re: ballast] #2857199
07/16/19 09:46 AM
07/16/19 09:46 AM
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LH19 Offline
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Sorry man. Life is really tough sometimes. My guess is you will get texts like "this is hard". Stick to your guns. She needs to be able to meet your needs.

Keep on keeping on.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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