I really don't have much exciting to talk about so I guess that is a good thing. The Dr. and I are just humming right along, no drama, fights or arguments yet. We went out on the lake Friday night with my daughters and some friends and then Saturday night she just came over for a few hours and we chilled. Last night I went over for a bit after her son went to bed. I don't have my girls this week so this weekend we will probably spend it together and I will get some one on one time with her son.
I am starting to see more for her personality and character traits. Acts of service is one of her love languages and their have been a few things she has asked me to do for her. One is install her nest thermostat in her bedroom and the second is to check out her sprinkler system, making sure it works properly, heads aren't broken, etc So I show up ready to get to work and she just can't go inside and let me do it but rather has to be watching and participating the entire time. She told me it would driver her x-husband nuts when she did that because he just wanted to do the task and complete it. She said she wants to be involved so she can learn. So in essence they are not really my projects but rather joint projects.
She also still seems to hold some resentment towards her XH as well. She has made several comments about the property he got in their Divorce, his financial situation, how much he has let their former ranch become run-down, etc. I think it really makes her mad that she had to give him everything she did, including all of the hours they both spent working on the place. He can no longer afford it and he needs the equity in it so he is selling it. I think that really bothers her. I totally don't get the impression she still loves him and wants him back but I think she is still carrying around some anger and frustration over how much money she lost.
Interestingly enough I have been practicing my validation and listening techniques that I have learned through my 2 years of DBing and yesterday the DR. says to me "I just feel like you get me and understand me".........bahaaaaaaaa!
She said she wants to be involved so she can learn. So in essence they are not really my projects but rather joint projects.
I completely understand this and I've done the same to my friends who have come to help me with various things. I feel like if I learn how to do these things I will not only be independent, but its a confidence booster for sure!
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
She also still seems to hold some resentment towards her XH as well. She has made several comments about the property he got in their Divorce, his financial situation, how much he has let their former ranch become run-down, etc. I think it really makes her mad that she had to give him everything she did, including all of the hours they both spent working on the place. He can no longer afford it and he needs the equity in it so he is selling it. I think that really bothers her. I totally don't get the impression she still loves him and wants him back but I think she is still carrying around some anger and frustration over how much money she lost.
Well, as someone who had to fork over 1/2 her retirement when I'd only worked part time for the previous 15 years --- and the exh hadn't bothered to save any of his beaucoup bucks, YEAH. The struggle is real on that front. Not constant, but it's a process of letting that one go for me any way.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
She said she wants to be involved so she can learn. So in essence they are not really my projects but rather joint projects.
Fair warning - as an analytical person, I have been known to offer "suggestions" to boyfriends when they are working on stuff for me around the house. I'm usually right but they seldom appreciate my input lol. It's just hard for us to stand by and see something being done wrong or that could be done easier. Even if I don't have the muscle strength to do it myself, I might be able to see how something is put together or how you could make 2 cuts with the saw instead of 4.
It is vastly different than what I am used to that's for sure. The XW would ask me to do something, not pay attention to what I was doing, and then step in with good job or that looks like crap after the project was finished. I know hated that feeling so I am hoping that getting used to her paying more attention will eliminate some frustration at the end of the project.
It's just funny as even though she asked me to do something she sort of takes over. For example, the Nest thermostat. When I got to her house she already had the old thermostat off the wall and was already reading the instructions when I walked in the front door. It's like she just wanted me to be the grunt, the muscle and she wanted to perform all the technical work.
Currently out at the drs ranch watching her son swim. Thursday we took him to a water park, then dinner and then fireworks. Yesterday we came out here with him, spent the night, had a cook out and later today heading back into town. Tonight she is a taking me out to dinner for a nice steak.
A couple of developments......she told me yesterday she Hope's she doesnt have to date anyone else other than me. This morning her son told me that if me and her mom got married I would be his third dad. So no pressure or anything right???
So as Andrew would say the huntress is circling in on her prey. I am still in no rush but I guess I need to start doing some thinking because hanging out and hooking up might be coming to an end.
So, what are you supposed to do next? The next step is moving moving in together or marriage. Otherwise, what else needs to change ? You and your kids are ready for cohabitation and marriage?
Slow down! Geez. It's very nice that she hopes she doesn't have to date anyone else - that means she likes you and hopes it works out long term with you because it is going so well. Nice.
That does NOT mean you have to jump into cohabitation or anything. Holy Miley, you JUST met her kid. I certainly wouldn't cohabitate until at least a year, and maybe more. You're still learning about each other and just started meeting each other's friends.
There is no rush, not ready for cohabitation. I have not spent enough time around her kid, my kid and all three of our kids together. I am also still getting to know her, learning her quirks, etc. It is also still nice to be able to retreat back to my house for some space and sanity. Logistically moving in together would be rather easy outside of my girls being comfortable, accepting it, being ok with it etc. Now that the kids have met and are getting exposed to us sleeping over, etc. the next step will fall into place as the kids gets more comfortable with the other person being around. The more that happens I can see how fast things can start to fall into place.
Her kid was a little better this time around without my girls being present. He is a very happy kid, giggles all the time and is a constant talker. His mom is his "person", just randomly tells her that he loves her, just constantly seeking her attention. He likes to test boundaries, won't accept your first answer if it's not what he wants to hear, and asked me to play with him multiple times. He is not an angry little boy but gets very frustrated when he doesn't win, changes the rules mid game so he can win. He is not into sports, loves his stuffed animals, getting butt tickles from his mom, very picky eater, and very much loves his i-pad. He is going into the 2nd grade and just very much wants attention and interaction. I can tell the way he interacts with his mom is very much about wanting attention. For example, he licks her, squeezes her boobs, likes to run around naked, tries to bite her, etc. He tried to pull that crap with me, trying to lick me so I told him what he does to me I get to do it back. He no longer had the desire to lick me. He just does things to try to get a reaction or rise out of people. But again he is not a bad kid he just wants attention and as an only kid has no other kids to play with. You can tell though that the Dr. just wants a break and I am sure its not easy being a single mom with a kid 90% of the time.
However her son didn't seem phased one bit by me spending the night. She put him to bed, he never got up once and when he woke up I was outside doing some work.
Still learning about her as well and her quirks. The only things that has really stood out so far is that she is kind of a micro-manager. She just can't ask me to do something without giving me, her 10 cents on the subject. While I am driving she just doesn't sit back and ride she has to interject where to turn etc. When we leave her ranch we always stop at the dumpster to throw away our trash. She can't just sit back and let me do it so I have to remind her that it's something I want to do. I might be old fashioned but there are some things that a man needs to do.
So we got the kids together yesterday and we all met at the local water park. This is the second time this has happened in about a month. Everything was fine between the kids, they played some, we had lunch together, so overall it was cool. However it was the first time I felt awkward.
My girls are laid back, he is non-stop in your face. So he was wanting me to play with him, throw him, and be rough with him. Which I did a little bit but it started to get annoying so I stopped. My girls didn't say anything but I felt bad on the inside because he wanted to play. I could tell it was the boy in him and he doesn't really ever get to experience that male type of aggression because 95% of his time is spent around women.
Now this kinda torqued me a little bit. I didn't have my girls last week and on Thursday she was taking him to a big water park and asked me to join. I went and we had fun but my girls didn't go since I didn't have them. Again, I felt bad and I wasn't going to say anything to them. I wouldn't have lied but I know they would have wanted to go and telling them served no point. So yesterday when we got to the park the first thing out of his mouth was how we went to the water park with your Dad. I don't know if he said it just being a kid or if he said it to rub it in. My D's blew it off but it bothered me some. The Dr. apologized to me for it and I have had conversations with her in the past over me coming to terms and accepting that I will more than likely be with someone else's kid more than my own just because the majority of women have custody. It is just a hot button for me because of what I went through when I was a kid and I don't want my daughters to feel like second class citizens.
Hi there J9 - one thing that came up a seemingly long time ago that you and your Dr may have to discuss is whether you are sure on not reversing your vasectomy. I bring it up because it was a deal breaker for a friend's daughter who wanted kids and her husband didn't. You'd mentioned before I believe that the Dr wanted another child.
In some ways this boy reminds me of the GS3 that has appeared in my life. He's adopted is he not? I'm reasonably certain that there were substance abuse problems with GS3's mother which to me explains part of his somewhat similar behaviour. It may need to be something that you'll want to educate yourself on. On the other hand, different people have different parenting styles and behaviour that is acceptable to one family may not be for another. Something hard to deal with I would imagine.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi A....she does not want any kids at 47 she told me that window has closed for her. That is a non-issue and she is actually happy that I have one.
She and her XH did adopt their son and I am not sure if their were substance abused problems or not but I do know that his biological dad has been in and out of jail/prison.
The kid definitely pushes boundaries and I am sure there is a rough and tumble kid in there just waiting to get out but he it can't because he is around women all day long. I also don't think the Dr. is a drop the hammer type of person. Her style is to make deals with him......if you continue to do this you won't get that. I do think she has more patience than me.
I am also aware that I am used to my girls and not him. As I am watching his behavior I find myself looking at my daughters and determining if they do the same thing but I am just used it from them so it doesn't bother me. For example, yesterday I was leaning up against the pool wall and my girls were swimming under my legs. He started doing the same thing but instead of just swimming under my legs he had to make contact with me, hitting me with his head as he swam under me. It was annoying. Another time he started to climb on me, just messing around but then he started to grab my hat off my head. His mom stepped in and told him to quit messing with my hat. Then he came up with this game to see if he could swim to me and touch me but he had to get through my outstretched legs first. Ok no big deal but when he couldn't get around them he started punching my feet, pulling my toes, essentially resorting to physical contact. His mom would never let him do that because he shouldn't hit people. Ok I get it from her perspective but from mine he is boy and has some aggression...let the boy work it out. He was trying to hurt me but he wasn't so then he started to get frustrated and do more annoying things to win the game and touch me. Then he gets pissed off and cries.
The Dr. bought me a pillow to keep at her place and once he found out it was mine he wanted it for himself and actually put his pillow case on it. I told the Dr. that it could be a territorial thing and since she is "his" person he might not be used to sharing her. I just wanted her to know that I am aware that this could happen. She said he always wants what someone else has. Ok fine but that combined with some of his physical aggression towards me certainly is something to monitor and be aware of. In his little mind he could be thinking he is getting replaced or he could be jealous of me because his mom is giving me attention that he is not getting.
Then when I think about him telling my girls about how he went to the water park with me and they didn't go makes me wonder even more. Do I have a little "Boss Baby" on my hands?? It's this sort of stuff with the kids that makes me tap the breaks even more and not rush into anything.
Hmmm - he does sound a bit like GS3. He has this "thing" where he needs to know the ownership of everything and then announces that item x/y/z is "his". He is well known to take things like B's glasses for example and hide them for himself. He stole the keys for my house until I learned to put them out of reach before he gets there. He also pushes boundaries quite a bit. Perhaps this is common with a 3 year-old - it's been a long time. Given a chance I think that he can become quite physical but B puts a stop to that quickly. He has had bruises after being with other children.
B says that even having raised 6 kids and done baby-sitting that she's never encountered someone like GS3 before. Perhaps part of it is that GS3 has had a lot of uncertainty in his short life, being shunted from one place to another and also having people popping in and out of his life certainly can't have been easy on him.
What B says is effective for her and I've seen work is that she sits with him on her lap, rubs his back, lets him play a game or watch a video on her phone and that calms him down. Yelling, or the usual sort of time-outs etc have no impact on him. Otherwise he just gets wound up more and more.
He's an outwardly sweet kid but I do think more than a bit messed up inside. Hopefully the little boy you are dealing with is a bit more straightforward. I do see similarities though at least through the stories you tell.
I've not dealt with them personally myself, but suspect that adopted kids need a special kind of love and attention.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I will just have to monitor the situation. He could also very much be just a normal boy and I am just not used to it after raising girls. He likes to run around naked as well and is very much a this is what I want to do type of kid.
At the water park he had to go pee and the Dr. asked me if I could take him into the boys restroom. Sure, no problem. so he stands 4 ft back from the urinal and starts to pee with horrible aim and it goes all over the wall. I was like "no, no buddy you have to move closer, that's not how we do it". So I got him to move closer and when I took my hand off his shoulder he scooted back again. I said "Buddy....you have to stay close". He asked me why and I told him so he doesn't pee all over the place. He said..."Oh, I don't care about that it's fun the other way" and ran off. Again, I don't want to be the strict, angry and mean BF.
I guess it's been a week but I don't really have anything to talk about. The Dr. and I are still moving right along, tomorrow will be 6 months. I had my girls last week so I only saw her last Sunday and then we went out on the boat and watched fireworks Friday night, then I saw her at the gym on Saturday morning. Saturday night she came over, we played Uno with the girls and then she spent the night but left Sunday morning before the girls woke up. I saw her at the gym yesterday morning and then I went over last night after her son went to bed for about 2.5 hours.
I don't have my girls this week so I will probably see her on Wednesday and then this weekend is kid free for the both of us so we will have the entire weekend together as well.
School starts for my girls in about a month so we are taking a trip with some family friends to a resort about 2 hours from town and the Dr. is going to come with us. We are leaving on a Thursday and coming back on Sunday, we got a 2 bedroom Villa so it will be my daughters and there friend along with the parents. Her son is with his dad that weekend so he won't be able to come.
We have a concert upcoming in about a month as well, at the end of August so that will be fun also.
My feelings continue to grow, I continue to get more comfortable, and things have been really easy between us. There is no drama, she has met a few of my friends, no parent meetings yet however that will happen in September as she has asked me and my girls to come to her sons birthday party. She tells me she loves me very frequently, we still have sex every time we see each other unless the kids are around, and she takes a picture of us every time we are together and posts it on her SM accounts. She made some comment to my oldest D that she can come to Italy with us after we retire so it seems to me the Dr. is already thinking big picture.
Other than that life is just moving right along. The XW has caused no drama and seems to be ok with the situation. When I dropped the girls off at her place yesterday she was sitting on her porch and I could hear her BF's Chiuwawa barking on and on inside. She asked me if I wanted a dog.......I said "nope" and just said my goodbyes to my girls. On the inside I was thinking....you made your bed now go enjoy it!
When I dropped the girls off at her place yesterday she was sitting on her porch and I could hear her BF's Chiuwawa barking on and on inside. She asked me if I wanted a dog.......I said "nope"
Yeah...I thought it was kind of funny. We had 2 dogs when she moved out and back then they were one of her stressors. One has since died and the other is still alive but I kept them in our D. So when I think about her life now and watching or allowing to her BF to bring his dog over it makes me laugh but it also reminds me of what I miserable place she was in over 2 years ago. She wanted out so bad that anything in her path was the target of her displeasure.
6 months today for the Dr. and I......she sent me a sweet message this morning. Going over tonight after her son goes to bed to celebrate and I saw her this morning at the gym. She was on the stair-stepper and I walked up and slapped her rear. She smiled and gave me a kiss.
My birthday is next week and the Dr. has started making plans. I have my girls so I am not completely sure what she has up her sleeve. I also think her sister will be in town as well so it may just have to wait. I gave her some gift ideas though since she asked.
She is gradually incorporating me more into her life. Yesterday she sent me a text message asking if I would help her mom program her new smart TV. She actually sent me a copy of the text her mom sent her asking if "her J9" would be willing to assist. I told her of course then she commented on how I have a servant's heart and she told her mom I would before even asking me because she knew I would.
In other new I jacked my back up lifting the other day at the gym and had to go see a chiro. It was pretty rough. I am also checking into refi-ing my house since the rates have dropped so much. I sent my mortgage guy and email and he thinks he can save me some money. That would be nice!
Lol. Still temp checking. One Year last week she moved out. Had a first date last night that went really well so we will see. I’m picking up a buddy after work for an all guys long weekend so it should be interesting lol. Life is good my friend.
I don't know much about it but re-fi seems to be a bit of a coin toss. Here at least you would need to pay a penalty for paying out the old mortgage early plus other sorts of fees. When I bought my ex out of the house I focused on keeping the payments the same as that was what I was comfortable having in my budget. I can do lump sum payments once or twice a year I believe without any penalties.
When you get to be an old f@rt like me back issues are no joke. When I throw mine out by doing something foolish like tying my shoes it can take up to 6 weeks to get back to normal. You are a pretty fit guy so hopefully it's better quickly.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
That's awesome! Did you go for the kiss? It's hard to be vulnerable and open yourself up again. It's much different this time around. After going through the pain that we have you realize you don't need anyone and if you do find someone it's just icing on the cake.
We don't have early penalties for the paying the loan off but when you refi you do have closing costs added in your new loan. When I bought my XW out of the house I had to refi it for what we owed on it at that time plus I had to add into it her portion as well. Thankfully we had a ton of equity so I did not exceed the appraisal value but I lost my interest rate which was around 3% and my mortgage went up by about $600 per month. That really stunk!
Here in the U.S. most mortgages don't have an early payment penalty, but there are fees involved with the refinancing. If the fees are low enough to be offset by the lower interest rate it can be worthwhile. In my case, I bought 8 years ago at the bottom of the market on a 30 year fixed at a nice low interest rate. Up until now it has never made sense to refi - and still may not. BUT because of extra payments I only have 18 years left to pay and could probably refi at current interest rates into a lower interest rate 15 year mortgage for more or less the same monthly payment, which would save me 3 years of mortgage payments.
Went out with the Dr. last night, we had a few drinks, and she told me she could herself marrying me. She said she thought about it in the shower after I told her about me wanting to refi my house. Truthfully she didn't have to tell me as I could already tell by her actions. I didn't say much other than I knew she was the marrying type of the beginning which I think is part of the reason why I viewed her differently from the start.
I am in no rush so really nothing changes. I do find myself looking in the future a little bit but for the most part I try to stay in the moment. We are going out to her ranch this afternoon, going to hit up a couple of wineries, and just enjoy some country living.
She is a good person and I am lucky that our paths cross.
I remember when I was married, I always felt like I was chasing my XW. That no matter what I did it was never enough. I didn't realize it at the time but I don't know if I really understood what it is like to be comfortable in a R, where I know that other person really loves me for who I am, where I know what I am going to get every single day. I understand that it is still very early and a lot can change but it just feels very comfortable with the Dr., very natural, I don't feel like I am chasing, or having to impress, worry about what I say, I feel like I can just be me. I can do what I want, she allows me to take the lead, I feel comfortable calling her out when needed, it's just a different type of feeling.
I think over the years I really got mind fuched by my XW and it is taking some time to unpack all of that.
Well I could see myself and the dr getting married I just personally need more time. I knew she was a keeper after about our 3rd or 4th date but as I mentioned earlier she is a type of woman I have never experienced before and I am still learning her and unpacking my own feelings. My dad told me I need to be prepared for when she pops the question on me.
Had a great weekend with the dr. I thought we were going our separate ways yday until Friday but she invited me and the girls over last night to hang out with her and her son, eat pizza and play some games. So we went over and it was actually really fun.
We wont see each other again until Friday which is my birthday. She is baking me a cake and is a total giver. Something I am not used to.
Lol...thanks K. It is really a different type of experience for me and something I am continuing to get used to. I mean she treats me like a king, is always there, always available, loves sex, so sweet and caring. While all of that is amazing that is my struggle at times as well. You referenced that book before why men love bitches and there is some truth to that.
I think I am going through a transformation on the inside and shifting my thoughts and beliefs on what is more important. I used to go after what I thought was the hottest girl I could find and then I would figure out and back into the rest. I am slowly learning that there is way more that I should be considering and while being attracted is important it's just one piece of the puzzle.
I am slowly learning that there is way more that I should be considering and while being attracted is important it's just one piece of the puzzle.
Exactly. You want to be with someone who is going to have your back when the sh!t hits the fan, who gives back as much as you give to the relationship, whose friendship and company you will enjoy into old age.
We’ve been trying to tell you that forever! I’m happy you finally realized it for yourself !
And the better someone treats us, the more attractive they become to us.
I am much like the doctor. Always there, always available, loves sex, and I’d like to say I am sweet and caring. And that has gotten me nothing but burned in the past. That’s why people have told me to read that book.
But it is who I am, and theybright guy seems to be appreciating it
Well G I think most men are like me or where like me and didnt appreciate those other qualities due to a number of different reasons. Most of which are because men are stupid, can be immature and generally dont have their priorities straight. You and the dr. are the type of women that men kick themselves in the nuts about 6 months later after the R has ended.
The Dr. is such a sweet person. She texted me this morning and wanted to know if anyone was taking my girls out shopping so they could pick me out a birthday present. She then asked me if she could take them out shopping this evening so they could pick something out for me. I mean really??????
That's extremely thoughtful of her. She's definitely a keeper I think! Smart, self-sufficient, good in bed and thoughtful and caring - I kinda think you hit the jackpot. I realize it can be a bit disconcerting since you dated so little after your divorce, but don't look a gift horse in the mouth - you still need time but it's going well so far!
That's kind of what i have told myself all along because I knew very early on she was a keeper and I would be a fool to walk away. It has been a bit of a struggle because I don't think I was truly ready for it but lucky for me she wasn't either. She flat out told me that she is very good about dismissing people, it is what she is good at and fought her own urges to self-sabotage our R. She told me it scared the $hit out of her because she could not come up with a reason to dismiss me. Lucky for us both that we were on the same page.
We see each other more and more every week. The only day this week I have not seen her is Monday even though on the days I have seen her it really isn't quality time. It's at the gym, the gym parking lot, picking up the girls last night to take them shopping, stuff like that. We are going out tomorrow night for my birthday with the kids, then Saturday night is kid free for the both of us and all next week as well so we technically have all week together.
My feelings grow as I get more comfortable. She is also the polar opposite of my XW so I am getting out of my 17 year comfort zone. It's not easy learning someone that is completely different than what you have been used to for most of your adult life. A much easier transition would have been to be with someone that was a close representation of my XW.
So for now I just continue to do my thing and enjoy life. School starts in three weeks for my girls and in two weeks I am taking them on a little min-vacation to a resort on a lake about 2 hours from here. We are going with some friends and their kids, the Dr. will also be joining us.
Thanks G we had a lot of fun. The dr made it really special, made me a cake, brought all the plates, plastic forks, etc. And she really fit right in with my friends. She made a nice FB post on my wall, wrote me a really sweet card and got me this really cool watch and a few other things. Then when we got home she got books out and started reading them to the girls before their bed time. I was just really amazed.
Happy birthday! Dr seems really thoughtful and considerate and it sounds like you guys are forming a healthy relationship with each partner capable of giving.
In the beginning, it seemed like you (and many other men) placed value on the types of women that were more demanding, unstable, and liked to insight drama, jealousy, and insecurity. For some reason the challenge that goes along with these women makes them appear more valuable even when they are not as educated, intelligent, or as physically attractive
Usually it’s the men with ulterior motives that are the ones that know to seek out women that are capable of love and kindness but also have the other physical attributes. (And vice versa)
Thanks J.....the dr is really a great person and I am starting to find the more healthy way of being attracted to her vs my normal bau ways that I had with my Xw.
She is so feminine and so submissive, sweet, kind, etc. and those qualities are really starting to take over for me in how I think towards her and my attraction levels. I am in no rush though. We went to church together yesterday and that was really nice. I had her over to my house for dinner last night and we watched a movie which was really cool. I told her how much I really liked the watch she got me and she told me She was glad and every time I look at it that it should be a reminder of how much she loves me.
She still has not met my parents however in September I will be meeting all of her family at her sons birthday party even her xh. That should be interesting.
Not much going on this week. My daughters are out in Cali for the week with their mom visiting her family. The XW texted me on Sunday morning to let me know they arrived ok but I have not heard from her since that time. They are up in SF and I assume are having a great time! I am happy they get to go, kind of bumbed that the XW hasn't sent me a picture of the girls and them having fun but I realize she doesn't have to and this is part of D.
I also resisted the temptation to make some comment to my XW about how it must be nice to afford to take them places like Cali. I guess that child support is real nice. I know, I know.....just venting, slightly!
In other news I see the Dr. almost daily now even if only for a couple of minutes. We are going out with some friends of hers on Friday night, I might meet her mom in a couple of days as she needs help setting up her new TV, and I am not sure what we are doing on Saturday. I am still going to the gym, playing basketball, still get some alone time which is nice but she is increasing the frequency/requesting my involvement. She has also invited me to a couple of up-coming events she is involved with, one of which is a fund-raiser and another is a "best of" party for her practice that she is nominated for representing our County.
She confides in me quite a bit over things she is struggling with, the financial aspects, personnel aspects, etc. and really seeks out and wants my advice. She also gave me her garage code so I know I have graduated to a new level! I am actually really very flattered that she thinks so highly of me. It is a privilege and makes me realize how highly she thinks of me. My life is actually kind of boring compared to how many things she has going on but that is not what she values in me.
Anyway...life is really good. I am on vacation next week and am looking forward to spending it and the last week of summer with my girls.
I am on vacation next week and am looking forward to spending it and the last week of summer with my girls.
Last week of summer???? Huh? Is this a Texas thing? I thought summer ended like the second or third week of September? Or maybe they go back to school soon and that's what you meant? But otherwise don't depress us dude, there's still more summer to go - at least through Labor Day if not 'till late September.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DH is alive!!!!! It's a back to school thing. My girls start on August 13th.
Same for Arkansas....back to school August 13.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
My week of vacation has been going good. Spent this past weekend with the dr. and got my girls on Sunday at noon. Sunday night I made dinner and the dr. came over for a bit. Yesterday I took the girls shopping for school clothes and a stop at their favorite store 5 Below. Last night the dr. came out to dinner with us and today The girls and I are going swimming. We leave for our little mini vacation on Thursday afternoon until Sunday. The dr. Has to work but she will be joining us Friday afternoon through Sunday.
Other than that I have just been relaxing, hitting the gym, playing basketball, and getting some stuff done around the house. My oldest wants her own bedroom so we are in the process of getting her set up in it. My house is 4 bedroom and the girls us d to have their own room but after my Xw moved out I put them in the same room as I felt it helped them through the transition. Since my oldest will be going into 5th I think she is ready to have some independence.
My Xw has been oddly more interactive with me lately. Yesterday she texted me some Snapchat picture of what she would look like as a man. I texted her back and told her looked like Joe Dirt. On Sunday she started texting me about back to school stuff then told me the girls picked up a bug on their trip to California. She asked me if I could have the dr check them out and then mentioned she had her Bf look at them but he isn’t even a nurse yet and then she laughed (he is going back to school to be a nurse but hasn’t graduated yet).
There are a few other things that seemed odd but anyway that ship has sailed.
Oh yeah, WASs have an unerring sense for when you have actually moved on. I just thank god my ex doesn't have reasons to communicate with me, I trained him to only email and since he's no help with our adult kids' problems anyway I have no reason to contact him. I'm also thankful he's never seemed to look back - I'd hate to have that interaction with him now. He burned WAAAYYYYYY too many bridges.
I can be cordial, friendly, polite, etc. but there is a vast difference between that and being in a romantic R with her again. Most of all I just suck it up for my girls and if I am holding on to past anger, etc. it means that I have really not moved on yet. Since my girls are young we will be in contact for a very long time so it’s just easier to suck it up and take the high road. It’s funny because I never reach out to her like she reaches out to me. I still very much continue to DB her with rarely initiating contact, keeping interactions brief, never asking personal questions, etc.
I can tell though that she is very much still the same person and in some respects probably worse. I can tell she does respect me just in the way she asks me questions so at least I am not dealing with someone that is completely off the reservation. The other day she asked me if it was ok if she came into my house vs just walking in.
I sometimes wonder what she thinks but not too often. Like I am not good enough for her but I am good enough for a freaking dr. I know there is more to it than that but I can’t help to think “who is the freaking idiot around here”. Anyway, enough about her, I am just happy we are cordial and respectful to each other for our girls and it just makes things so much easier.
Thanks Nef, I know there is respect. Yesterday she sent me some random text while she was on a scavenger hunt for work at a famous athletes house. A picture of her and some of her co-workers posing with him. I just responded with “cool” but why she feels the need who knows however I would rather it be friendly stuff like that vs the alternative.
We leave for our little mini vacation today, the dr will be coming up tomorrow and we riding with my daughters friends parents. We have entire bag dedicated to booze so I will definitely need to detox next week. My oldest has come down with some virus and has been feeling run down with a slight fever, a bad cough as well. I am taking her to the dr. Office at 11:30:so she can see her and prescribe some meds for her. She said she can’t perscribe meds without having a chart. Me taking her to her office was her idea.
I am not a take advantage type of person and am very aware of the situation I am in. While I do very well for myself I don’t have the financial resources the dr. has so I am aware that situation exists. That said that is why the three H’s has served me well along with my mindset of going slow and enjoying the moment. She has told me she has dated many men that we’re moving fast, one of which asked her to use her credit card. That is just stupid, I could never imagine.........
When you and the Dr. got together, did you at any point get those giddy, Oxytocin induced infatuation feelings? Was it a slow burn type of deal? I kind of think I remember reading it was, but you have a lot of threads and I figure I would ask the source. I am just wondering post-D for you or others does your brain and body get a reality check? Do those just a kid in love type of feelings go away for some people?
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I'll take the question for my situation, TwoFeet. The first guy I dated after my 24 year marriage ended I had serious infatuation feelings for. However he was a Love Avoidant who kept me at a little distance so it didn't develop into full. blown "in love" giddiness. After a year he reunited with his lost childhood love. No hard feelings and we are still good friends.
I've had serious dating relationships since, including a four year relationship and my current relationship. They did not start off with giddy infatuation. I think I may be a little too analytical and jaded; I know that even if it looks really good at first, you have to get to know someone before you can really tell if it's going to work.
Now sexual attraction is a different thing, most of the men I have dated I found sexually attractive from the beginning.
Yeah, it has been slow. I was attracted but I wasnt like holy crap if that makes sense. It has grown the more I have gotten to know her, grown as I have seen her wear different hats, grown as I have viewed her more than just a woman on match. As I have seen her be a mom, seen her in her professional life, seen her interact with my girls, in how she has treated me, etc.
Just to add I think it would have been easier if she would have been a prototype of my xw. My xw is blonde, 5'4 prob 115 to 120. The dr has dark hair, is almost 5'9 and is around 150 lbs. I am still attracted to her but what has really made the difference for me is how she treats me. She is such a loving and caring person. Treats me like a king. That has been the difference maker for me.
Had a fun weekend at the lake with girls, their friends, and the dr. Just a lot of relaxing and hanging out at the pool. Back to reality today and the first day of school is tomorrow. I am going to go meet the girls up at school to see them off.
Change is a good thing, my friend. So I'm glad you branched out and went for a different type with the doctor. Looks like that was a wise choice that paid off well for you. Happy new school year to your girls!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thanks D, just got home from meeting them up at school and walking them in their classrooms. My 5th grader walked in like a boss, she is VP for student council so she was all excited about that. My 3rd grader was nervous, teared up and didn’t want us to leave.
I am glad I have stuck it out with the dr. and resisted the self sabotage urges. The hardest part for me has been getting comfortable knowing that I have not really had the chance to date around a ton. I think I went out with around 15 different women and probably interacted with 30 or so over roughly 6 months.
I think I have a good idea of what is out there and truthfully, at our age, I don’t believe the perfect person exsists. Everyone has some baggage, we all don’t like we did in our 20s, and you are really trying to meshtwo lives together that have already been built. It’s not like you are building a life together as we did when we were young, in college, and had no kids. So I think compatibility is huge! Obviously there has to be some attraction but it’s certainly not the most important thing.
We see each other 2 to 3 times per week and just try to take it day by day.
What were the self-sabotaging urges? Did you struggle at all with wanting to be alone and therefore secure vs being in a relationship and the vulnerability associated with it?
kml - thanks for your input as well. I am trying to put some internal conflict at ease and all responses help.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
What were the self-sabotaging urges? Did you struggle at all with wanting to be alone and therefore secure vs being in a relationship and the vulnerability associated with it?
kml - thanks for your input as well. I am trying to put some internal conflict at ease and all responses help.
The first thing I’ve done almost every time I’ve met someone new is to wonder if I could do better, but I recognized that automatically puts me on the defensive causing me to put on the breaks.. one thing 2 yrs of dating has taught me is people almost always aren’t what you expect them to be. Now, I look at a lady and try to find something I find attractive, boobs, eyes, body, personality, whatever.. if I can find something, anything that physically makes me want them, I will ask them out. I want more than anything to be emotionally attracted to a woman, but I know that I have to find something physically attractive about them to be able to solidify the relationship.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
TF - I agree with what CN said. I have struggled with the grass is greener concept or wondering if I could find someone more attractive, better body, etc. Online dating has put so many more possibilities at our finger tips than what we had 20 years ago. I struggled with that more early on.
There have been times where I would have rather stayed at home by myself on a Saturday night than go out to dinner with the dr. I have struggled with that at times as well. Just the alone time to be by myself. I get it during the week but when both of us have a kid free weekend together the Dr. expects us to spend both Friday and Saturday nights together. I get it but there have been times where it would have been nice to have a weekend night to myself.
I met the dr. after only 6 months of dating and wondered if it was too soon. Trying to fight off my desires to date more and experience different women. Not necessarily the grass is greener more of just really taking advantage of this time and soaking it all in. The problem was that I knew she was a keeper.
While I am attracted to the Dr. I never got those butterfly feelings. That made me question whether or not I really liked her. I had to learn that it is much different now than what it was when you're young. That emotionally we are different people now as we bring more emotional baggage to the table. And that those feelings wear off. I actually feel that I am a stronger person for not having those feelings.
Vulnerability was an issue as well. I knew from the start that she was not just going to be a fling and someone I just dated for a bit. I knew she was a keeper and was looking for a man she could keep. That still scares me. My XW leaving was a complete shock and through all the self help and personal reflection I was not aware of how many walls I built around my heart. TBH it will take some time before I love anyone as I did my XW and trust someone as completely as I did her. I find myself being much more objective these days, more guarded because the innocence is gone. I was very naïve with my XW, knowing what I know now I will never be that naïve again.
Lastly I will just say it is process. I don't regret one minute that I have spent with the Dr. She is a good woman and I do love her but I know that if it ended tomorrow I will be just fine. If it ends and we don't end up married at minimum she has taught me how to love again, how to feel, and has helped me in many other ways. More importantly she has helped me realize that I am perfect just who I am.
Everyone is jaded to a certain extent after they have gone through a D.
I’m curious. If you really wanted to spend a Friday night alone doing your own thing, would the doctor be mad? Is that why you don’t tell her? Nothing wrong with wanting to your own thing once in a blue moon and chill out alone. Putting rules on it is what stinks, lol.
I also enjoy my Friday nights where I drink my wine and watch TV no one else likes with my hair in a mess bun in my PJ’s.
I don't think she would be mad maybe disappointed or concerned I didn't want to spend the time with her. I think early on in a R there is the desire to spend a lot of time together.
I don't think she would be mad maybe disappointed or concerned I didn't want to spend the time with her. I think early on in a R there is the desire to spend a lot of time together.
I was wondering if it might be a product of amount of time in the relationship. Do you think the Dr would be disappointed or concerned NOW or was that early on? I think time apart, particularly once you are committed can be a good thing. Or maybe that is just me and I'm an introvert who needs some non-people time occasionally. LOL
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I think she still would be because in her mind I still don't think it's enough time together. She wants to be with me every moment she can be and I think she would say you had alone time Sunday night, Monday night, Tuesday night, etc.
I will see her tonight and again Friday night and again in some capacity on Saturday as well. She has mentioned me coming over to her house with my girls and having a sleepover. Make no bones about it but the Dr. is trying to hold herself back but is full steam ahead.
LOL G...…..she is down with what J9 is throwing out there! I am not ready to be married again. My dad told me I need to be prepared for when she asks me.
She clearly is not playing hard to get, tries to spend all the time she can in the world with you, wants your girls to have sleepovers at her house ( prepping them for moving in?) sounds like a very giving person all about you all the time.
And this is a turn on? Doesn’t deter you at all?
Reading “why men love b!tches” and I am probably a lot like your doctor in the way I treat my man, but probably a tiny less. But really, neither of us are “bitches”.
So her turning it all the way up makes you want to come closer and not farther?
G - I will say it has taken me time to get used to and have had to find my attraction in other ways. I have had to find my attraction in how sweet she is and how feminine she is towards me, submissive. I am still learning how to figure it out though. Any smart man, one that was mature, would want a woman like the dr. assuming they were attracted.
Her turning it up makes me feel neutral but it also gives me confidence. All along I have felt in control of my emotions and it doesn't bother me because I know that ultimately I am not married yet and that is my choice to make. I have no problems with my girls meeting her because again she is such a good person and I know that they are better off for it even if we ultimately don't get married.
IMO women like you and the dr. need a giver and not a taker. You need someone that really appreciates all the things you do for your man not just take it for granted. I often tell the dr. how sweet she is, how caring, how loving, how giving, how lucky I am that I met her. Sure I say I love you but again, IMO sometimes those are just words and doesn't necessarily convey why.
Men love bitches because they pose a challenge, they are not easy to obtain, they play games, you don't know where they stand, they don't make plans, they don't initiate contact, the essentially want the man to do all the work.
Knowing what I know now that is not a way to build a relationship. The dr. makes it easy on me, lets me be the man, doesn't [censored] test me, lets me lead, really helps give me confidence in my role as a leader. I think that is what a good woman does.
I have read a lot and learned a lot but there is way more to it then how they look. Again, I am still a work in progress
If I am dating a woman and she backed off I would not chase her assuming I had not backed off. If I backed off and she didn’t I would assume she eventually would and then it would be up to me to reach out and initiate things.
M knows he has changed, is busy, or whatever he has going on. If you respect yourself back off and don’t chase him. Show him your value don’t come across as desperate and needy. No different than we tell the LBS.
It's been a while since we hi-jacked J9's thread so I'm going to chime in here too.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Picking your brain here........
She clearly is not playing hard to get, tries to spend all the time she can in the world with you, wants your girls to have sleepovers at her house ( prepping them for moving in?) sounds like a very giving person all about you all the time.
And this is a turn on? Doesn’t deter you at all?
Reading “why men love b!tches” and I am probably a lot like your doctor in the way I treat my man, but probably a tiny less. But really, neither of us are “bitches”.
So her turning it all the way up makes you want to come closer and not farther?
The corollary of this is "why do nice guys finish last" or "why do women prefer bad boys". As somebody who seems to be in the "nice guy but" category I feel qualified to weigh in here.
For me, I'm extremely flattered when any woman shows interest in me and as we have I'm sure talked about in the past, I am vulnerable - perhaps in a good way - to any woman who pursues. If they then play coy and hard to get then that's confusing for me and certainly not attractive.
If a woman were to come up to me and tell me - "you're fascinating - have a slice of pizza" I would be immediately smitten. If she then listened to my long boring stories and followed it with "tell me more about how oxalic acid interacts with various materials" I'd probably propose marriage. My ex was really good at this. In fact it was one of the things I first loved about her. How she paid attention and remembered.
I know that there's been talk here on Channel J9 about "the coach" and various rules and techniques for being "alpha" and attracting a "quality" mate. Personally I regard most of that as a combination of BS and stuff that I'm not interested in.
I do think though too that there is a difference between when you are "just dating" and "in a relationship" You and M are transitioning through that. I do know though that my ex-wife, for our entire marriage made sure that I never left the door without a hug, kiss and ILU. She was somewhat jealous and certainly possessive, especially after she started her affair. I "never" doubted that she loved me - even after she chose another man though. Having that certainty behind me was in many ways the rock of my personal self identity.
Now - obviously every relationship and every person is different. What I like, what J9 likes and what M likes are undoubtedly very different things. I do know that when I was dating B - the fact that she wasn't available was more a frustration than anything that attracted me to her. I was most attracted when she was "present". I would have been even more attracted if I knew she was "all in" - but that never happened.
Just my 2 cents. We now return to the story of J9 and his doctor.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Ok....back to regularly scheduled programming. Went over and saw the Dr. last night, had some wine, and picked out our hotel for the upcoming concert we are going to.
We have date night tomorrow night and then Saturday night she is wanting to do something with the kids, take them out to her ranch in the country or have dinner and a sleep over. The ranch would be boring for the kids as their is no WIFI, one kid would be fine but not all three of them. That wouldn't be pleasurable for anyone involved so it might just be a pizza night or something.
My oldest starts her soccer season on Saturday as well with the season opening tournament so I am looking forward to that as well.
The topic of my XW came up as the Dr. brought it up last night. She told me that when we were out of town last weekend the friends (the wife) that we went with (they are the parents of my youngest daughters best friend) mentioned to the Dr. that my XW made some statement that she was only going to have her BF come over on the weekends. I have no clue how they got on that subject or how he or my XW came up but according to the friend my XW realizes he is not the one and mentioned to her that no one will be the one. Anyway, I thought that was interesting but the Dr. couldn't understand how you could just tell someone to come over on the weekends and nothing more.
Who knows, none of my concern but I am not too shocked.
GM everyone. Had a good weekend. Friday night went out with the Dr. and spent the night at her place. Saturday my oldest had two soccer games and then Saturday night the Dr. and her son came over for pizza. Yesterday my oldest had another soccer game and then we met the Dr. and her son at the local water park for a few hours. Tonight the Dr. has a recognition event at a local restaurant for her practice and I am going with her as arm candy. She also told me on Friday she was madly in love. I love her as well but what I like about her the most is that I can talk to her about anything, she is a good friend also.
After tonight I won't see her again until Friday. Friday night we will probably go out to eat with my girls as our weekends are now off sync and Saturday night is the concert we are going to and the girls are spending the night at some friends. I bought the tickets and she got us a hotel room downtown.
No major issues to report, things are still going very well however I do think her son is kind of annoying. It is clear that he is not used to sharing his mom with anyone, has to be the center of attention, gets his feelings hurt very easily, and all is fun and happy until he doesn't get his way. In addition he is manipulative. I could give you examples of each but will spare you all the long paragraphs but needless to say I am not used to that type of kid. I am also not sure how to handle so I just try to stay out of it the best I can. The more I interact with him though, the more he expects out of me so at times it's hard to avoid but I just try to not give them reaction or interaction he is looking for.
He is her only kid, her mom's only grandson, and is the only nephew her sister has and she is not married so there is no other child in the immediate family so they all think he is just the greatest thing in the world. Obviously I see things a little differently since I have a couple of kids. So I guess I get it but it's an adjustment for me...………..
I'm guessing the whole thing with the son will be an adjustment for the dr and the son as well. If things do go to a more permanent (for lack of a better word) level with you and the dr, it might do his son some good to be in a house with other kids and another strong, stable influence who doesn't think he is the be all, end all (not that you don't like the kid, mind you, but you aren't and won't likely be as enamored of him as his mother and grandmother are and that is a good thing).
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
He is the type of kid that wants to pull your hat off your head and will butter you up so you think he is being nice and then he just grabs it. He also had this little soft squishy ball at the pool that my daughters and I where throwing back and forth. I had him join in with us and as soon as we threw it to him he didn't say and word and just swam off with it. Maybe he wanted a reaction but I just told my daughters to let him go. So its crap like that. Saturday night I made pizza for the kids as the dr told me he liked cheese. When she told him I made it he said he disnt want any and then started talking about how much he liked some other types of pizza. I found it odd like it was a competition or he was trying to prove a point or be difficult. But when he wants me to do something then I must do it immediately.
Sounds like the type of kid that will get picked on at school or on the playground. Then the boys picking on him will be called bullies. I'm not at all excusing or condoning bullying but other kids won't put up with his behavior for long - I'll bet when you were young J9 you would not have and that's part of what you are feeling.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
spot on DH......yday he came running up to the dr. crying, told her he got bullied and some kid pushed him down the slide. Come to find out he was holding up the line because he didn't want to go down the slide until the big bucket of water dumped. Kids didn't want to wait for him so they made him go down. He spun it as he was getting bullied however the kids didn't want to wait and my 10 yr old kept telling him to just go down the slide.
I would not have put up with that crap. Unfortunately that kid is going to get some rough lessons. I am just trying to not be the teacher...….it's hard though.
What does the dr. Do when he acts like this? Ignore it? Laugh it off?
I know it made me a little crazy sometimes the way M parented. Not because of the kid though. The kid was great. M was annoying, lol. So all over the kid he didn’t let him breath.
One day your girls might put him in his place. Maybe that will be a good thing
When he came to her crying about being bullied she got out of the water with him, went to our table and had him drink some water and eat a snack. When he kept on knocking her hat off her head she eventually got stern with him and told him knock it off. They just dont have a reference point of what other kids do because he doesn't interact with any kids outside of school. He has never been over to another kids house, had a sleep over, etc. Its either camp or school. I think that is part of it and the dr treats him like a prodigy, teaching him bible verses, spanish, oh and he is in cub scouts.......I hated cub scouts...lol Nothing against it all but that's just the environment she has him in.
I guess it has been a few days so I will update. I have had the girls this week so my time has been spent doing that dad thing, packing lunches, shuffling to school, making dinners, driving to soccer practice, homework, etc. Have not seen the Dr since Monday but we talk several times throughout the day, always text good morning and goodnight as well. This morning she told me she misses me terribly....yeah baby! Tonight I am taking her out to dinner with my girls, nothing fancy, probably Chili's for some bottomless chips and salsa along with a few adult beverages. Not sure if she will spend the night or not. My oldest has a soccer game tomorrow morning and then some good friends are taking the girls to a water park tomorrow during the day and then they are spending the night with them tomorrow as the Dr. and I are going downtown to see the Smashing Pumpkins. We are going down early tomorrow, hit a few breweries, and get some dinner before. We also got a hotel room so we wouldn't have to drive home. Then Sunday is Sunday and back to work again next week.
I found out my boss might be leaving and he pulled me aside last week and told me that his boss asked if he would recommend me for his position. Of course my boss recommended me so I might have an opportunity for a promotion so that would be cool.
Other than that just hitting the gym, playing basketball, and just doing my thing. Things are really good at the moment, work has been stressful but my personal life, my girls, the Dr. and all of that is really good. I feel very calm and at peace where I am happy. Very thankful and very blessed.
It should be awesome, the original band outside of Darcy. Jimmy was the one that OD'd. My favorite band of all time. It will be interesting as the Dr. is not a huge music person but she told me she will go wherever as long as it is with me...…..bahaaaaaaa!
It should be awesome, the original band outside of Darcy. Jimmy was the one that OD'd. My favorite band of all time. It will be interesting as the Dr. is not a huge music person but she told me she will go wherever as long as it is with me...…..bahaaaaaaa!
I KNEW she had to have a flaw somewhere....not a huge music person. LOL
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Yes....she thinks I am THE MAN!! She treats me like a king! I didn't run because I knew what I had and it was just a matter of me getting used to it. That's why I tell you G your M will regret it as he will never find anyone like you. He just was not mature enough to realize it and work through it.
The Dr. and I at the core are the same but our interests are different. I am the jock, she is the nerd. I listen to Metallica while she listens to Christian. That said she is very far from being that type of person. I mean she is the ultimate contradiction. If people only knew.
I’ve seen 6 Metallica concerts. One thing my ex and I enjoyed together was our rock/metal music. He’s even invited me to concerts with his recently, but I really don’t want to go on a date with my married ex husband. His wife listens to Taylor Swift. They are complete opposites, but she worships him. So I guess it works.
The weekend was fun and the concert was hot but a blast. On Friday night my youngest had a sleepover so I took my oldest out to dinner, then the dr. came over after for a bit. Saturday my oldest had a soccer game in the morning and then I took her and my youngest over to a friends house to spend the night. The Dr. and I got downtown around 1:30 then hit up a couple of local breweries, got tipsy and almost passed out in the hotel room before the concert. We rallied though, had dinner at the sports bar in the hotel and made it over to the concert around 8:30. The timing was actually really perfect as the Pumpkins went on around 9:30 so we were not out baking in the sun. The concert was awesome however once we got back to the hotel we were so hot, and tired we just passed out. Sunday morning we woke up, went and had brunch and then went home. Yesterday afternoon we went out on the boat and the Dr. came out with her son so I took him out on the Jetski and he was smiling ear to ear. Back to work today and I am kid free so I am looking forward to some down time. I will see the dr. on Tuesday night and then not until Friday.
Not much has changed with us as things are really boring. There is no drama, we haven't fought yet, but I don't feel like I am doing things or giving in on things that would cause resentment to build up that would make us fight. Truthfully the only thing that is kind of annoying is her son just in the way he acts. Outside of school and Cub Scouts he really hasn't made any friends to have play dates with so all he knows is getting his own way. When he doesn't get his way or someone doesn't go along with what he wants to do he can't handle it and gets upset.
I am starting to see different sides of her as well especially recently due to some job stuff she is dealing with and how she handles. She is very frugal, not emotional, she is not one of those peppy, cheerleader types, that is a chatty Cathy, social life of the party.. She is very matter of fact, very clinical, very honest and that has caused some unhappiness at her practice with some of the people that work for her. Her attitude is I am the Dr. and if you don't like get the F out because I am not changing, it's my practice. I have had to give her some things to think about, obviously she asked for my opinion but while true it might not be the best way to handle your team.
So I guess some of the newness is wearing off, I will meet her sister this weekend, her mom next month along with her xh. She has still not met my parents but that probably won't happen until the holidays. I had a friend ask me yday if the R was serious, asked me if I loved her, if we had plans to move in with each other, and followed up with (Like your XW), then asked if I was attracted to her. It kind of torqued me a little bit because I felt like they were comparing and contrasting. I do love the Dr. but I don't love her like my XW. That love was naïve and innocent. I don't think I will ever love that way again or at least not for a long time. Yes I am attracted but it's not a slow and subtle attraction not this OMFG I am speechless sort of thing. The Dr. is a sweet, kind, and caring person who is very attractive but I am way more attracted to her inside, who she is as a person, than I am her outward physical appearance.
I guess that's it not much else is going on in the world of J9.
Her attitude is I am the Dr. and if you don't like get the F out because I am not changing, it's my practice. I have had to give her some things to think about, obviously she asked for my opinion but while true it might not be the best way to handle your team.
Oh yeah, she can't be doing that. It's a sorry stereotype of the awful doctor boss. I think many women as bosses don't feel quite confident in themselves and so become more obnoxious to their workers because of their own insecurity.
It takes a lot of time and effort to train employees and an attitude like that will mean lots of employee turnover and that's costly. You don't want to be a pushover either but you do need to make your business a happy place to work at if you want to keep good employees,
I’m afraid I dealt with a doctor like that yesterday. And I asked him “ do want what’s better for your patient or do want what’s best for your ego?” Nurses and staff do NOT like to feel like they are less than because they don’t have MD behind their name. Patients also get better care when you are respected and work collaboratively. I used to do anything to avoid doctors like that and I worked well with the doctors who respected me as a nurse. I wasn’t afraid to work with them or tell them what the patients need. Patients have better outcomes that way. I worked with a doctor who is very friendly with her while office staff and she has kept them for years. And she is a she. A strong she. Which has built her a practice that is trusted and respected. I have also saved a few doctors Butts before. And they have appreciated it.
That being said. Boring sounds good. All I ever wanted was boring. And as for her son, well..... we all know boys mature at at a slower rate. Hopefully he will catch up soon. He probably doesn’t have much friends because of the way he acts, and when it begins to become about friends, he might change his tune. I’m learning middle school works that way.
Btw - my office uses an HR company to pay our employees. They handle all the paychecks, keep us up to date on regulations, and give us HR support when there are employee issues. It's worth every penny.
She has a payroll service not sure if they handle hr issues though. I think she is learning the hard way as some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth I am like whoa. She essentially told her staff that as the dr. her patients come to see her not them and if anyone has a problem with what she says to a patient they shouldn’t worry about it because if the patient doesn’t like her then they won’t come back. She also told her MA who is also her BF that she shouldn’t complain about not getting a raise because she hasn’t taken a paycheck in 9 months. I was like hey you can’t say that. She was like well it’s true and I told her that might be the case but no one wants to hear that. They don’t care about your sacrifices......smh.
Oh and just to add.......I can tell she still holds a lot of resentment towards her xh. She makes a lot of statements like I bought this or paid a lot of money for that. It was never we did this or that. Granted all that is probably true as she does well for herself but that doesn’t sound like a team to me and it’s something that’s on my radar screen. It is a turnoff for me when she makes those statements.
She essentially told her staff that as the dr. her patients come to see her not them and if anyone has a problem with what she says to a patient they shouldn’t worry about it because if the patient doesn’t like her then they won’t come back
Bad attitude. First of all, the receptionist and other staff are the FACE of your practice - nothing will sink a practice faster than a receptionist with bad people skills. And if the Dr. is pissing off the patients, they won't come back. Staff trying to tell her when there is a complaint is HELPFUL information. No, you can't please everyone every time but your goal should be for most patients to fell happy and cared for when they leave. (I must say though, I suspect a spa practice like this may have more difficult patients than most, since it probably attracts more than the usual fraction of neurotic or entitled patients.)
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She also told her MA who is also her BF that she shouldn’t complain about not getting a raise because she hasn’t taken a paycheck in 9 months.
Again, wrong approach. The Dr. started this business and the truth is, it takes a while to make money. That's part of the risk she took on. Her MA is not a partner in the business and deserves to get paid for her work. She's not going to get profit sharing when it takes off. If she's been working for the doctor for a year and isn't getting at least a token raise it's going to lead to an unhappy employee who doesn't feel appreciated. Even worse that she's employing someone who is her BF - that's really tricky and a potential quagmire.
Now - if the Dr. isn't turning a profit after 9 months - she may have gotten in over her head (equipment purchases, too high rent, too many staff etc.). Is she at least seeing the numbers of patients increase at a good pace? Will her finances project out once her schedule is full (minus 10-20% for cancellations)?
Yep, i agree and I told her as much. She is a allergist and she will clear about 150 this year after her initial investment. Next year she is projected around 350 to 400. It has been a quagmire for her although her bf just quit and I told her it was probably a blessing in disguise because this has impacted their relationship.
she will clear about 150 this year after her initial investment.
What does this mean? That she will be paying herself $50k/month the last three months of the year even though she hasn't paid herself a salary for 9 months? Or that she is doing something funny with the math to convince herself that she's making a "profit" of $150k even though she's not?
I mean, if she's making $150k this year she should be able to pay her MA a $1 and hour raise, especially if she anticipates that big bump in profit next year. It probably is for the best that her friend quit but she needs to figure out how to be a better boss going forward.I practice with one other physician and we have a small office - 3 employees. We're not problem free but our turnover rate is very low.
These medical assistants make next to nothing $15 an hour if they are lucky. And the doctor is crying because she doesn’t take home a pay check when she’s going to clear that much? I think it would be better for their friendship if she went to another office.
Her resentment with her ex lies in the money she spent on him? Was her ex spending all their money? Or did she chose to buy him nice things?
What went wrong in her marriage again? He wasn’t very motivated? I can see that as a turn off, it is for me, although I typically date guys who make less money than me, but do have careers and are motivated. Do you think she had a “I’m better than you, I am a doctor and make more money “ complex with her husband? Perhaps he felt less than?
Also a random question. You say she is very clinical and unemotional. But is sweet kind and loving and has a good heart. They seem like Opposite traits. How is she with her son? Is the the mothering nurturing type, or very clinical and unemotional with him?
She had to pay her former practice 75k so technically not 150 bring home. I think she paid herself 20k last month. Her MA is also her office manager and she makes around 55 per year. That was her best friend that just quit.
The resentment I think is more with the fact he didnt have a job, and was really not a contributing member to their family. He also couldnt get an erection so then there was that ad well. I think she felt like she had to do it all and maybe that had jaded her in some ways. She also said he was very careless with money. She is not an emotional person I think is the best way to put it.
When it comes to me she is kind and sweet. I dont think her marriage had a lot of love or passion in it. She is a good mom but is not the the type that caudles or makes a big deal about boo boos, etc. She is more of the suck it up and that's not a reason to cry person.
Us moms in the medical profession don’t react to a boo boo unless a limb is missing or they are bleeding all over the place. It drives my daughter nuts.
And everything sounds fine. Give her your honest opinion when she asks. And you have a job with a decent salary and can get it up, so there shouldn’t be any huge issues
I do give her my opinion. At her former practice she never had to manage staff so this is a new experience for her and she is learning. Combine that with just starting out and adjusting to being a single parent as well has been stressful for her. She is a pessimist by nature so I try to help her see the positive aspects to the situation. Knowing her history does put some pressure on me especially in the sex dept. she said she would not have cared if he didn’t have a job if he was a good father and took care of other responsibilities as well but he didn’t. I do know she loves her son very much and I have seen her get really upset when he comes home from his dads house looking a certain way. He is adopted and I have never got the feeling from her that she has regretted that decision considering. How her marriage turned out.
Her sister is coming into town this weekend and. It will be the first time I am meeting a member of her family. I found out last night that my dad is coming into town next week so she will get to meet him and my stepmom as well. My mom won’t get to meet her until the holidays assuming we are still together.
I was reading this this morning over breakfast and didn't have time to respond.
Bwoop! Bwoop! Bwoop! Danger Will Robinson! Danger!
We can muse amongst ourselves about all sorts of things - and with both apologies to and due deference to kml - from my understanding doctors in many cases tend to be in the "god business". They have an instilled belief that they are right in all things. They are also trained as medical practitioners and not business people or managers so their skills there can at times be lacking.
I'd suggest that anything beyond some validation and perhaps a gentle nudge might be a problem. Your Dr seems happy to take a secondary role in the relationship but in her professional life I expect it's her way or the highway. And you don't want to be road-kill.
Just my 2 cents.
PS - you've come so very far J9 - you should be proud of yourself. I remember only a few months ago when you were always second guessing yourself and trying to find a system/method to success. You seem so very confident now. It's good to see.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Last edited by job; 08/27/1903:16 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am actually really very flattered that she thinks so highly of me. It is a privilege and makes me realize how highly she thinks of me. My life is actually kind of boring compared to how many things she has going on but that is not what she values in me.
Happy new school year to your girls!