It was great thank you CanBird. Lovely quality time with the boys. I love it when they are all together, so much laughter and poking fun at one another (and at Mum) Grandson sat on the decking soaking up all the attention and the BBQ survived.
As adults, I leave their relationship with Dad to them. I think that they are generally very frustrated with him, but they have each other to discuss that with and they tend to keep me out of it. Quite rightly.
However, I did walk into some conversation at the weekend. It would seem that H has driven past the house at the weekend (he's gone out of his way to do so) and seen S2 car in the driveway. He sent a text to ask if he was visiting this weekend. S2 said he hadn't replied because he was on limited time and didn't want to have to deal with him. So H then sends a series of texts to S1 and S3, but particularly to S3.
I haven't seen the texts but S3 told me that they had been increasingly aggressive and bullying in tone. S3 told me that he had responded saying that yes he did want a relationship with him moving forward, but that whilst he continues to ignore requests from me and the solicitor to sort out the legal and financial aspects, H wasn't allowing us to move forward (S3 lives with me) and therefore his inaction meant that there couldn't be a relationship at the moment.
H actually suggested that it was me sending the texts not S3 and tried more 'strong arm' 'you will do as I say' tactics which resulted in S3 ending the conversation suggesting that it may be best to continue when H was sober, rather than late on a Saturday night.
I don't know if he was drunk or not (highly likely) but what was the man thinking? Bullying words suggesting that you will have a R with me because I am your father, was never going to work. They are grown men.
My concern was the emotional impact that this exchange may have had on S3 but his brothers and SiLs reassured me that they had talked it through with him and he was fine.
I'm sure that it must hurt to sit miles away and imagine that we are all having family time without him. But actions have consequences. He genuinely convinced himself that his R with his boys would not alter one jot when they found out about his double life. They have come to terms with the breakdown of their parents' marriage, but are incredulous and angry that he cannot now do what is necessary for me to be able to fully move on.
It IS amazing, isn’t it Yorkie? How they think they can do whatever they want and not have any repercussions in their other relationships. Like they were only cheating on their spouse and not their entire family. My STBXH is like that. He has spent years justifying his behaviour by making me the bad guy and actually had the audacity to be upset with his daughter because she didn’t just accept it. Like she hasn’t figured out how much he has lied to her as well and all the events he missed because of his fake treatments. He is reinventing himself with new people and hasn’t faced anything. It is sad, isn’t it? Amazing how delusional they can be.
Great to hear you got to have a weekend with your boys. I’m sure they are fantastic men as they have had a fantastic role model in their mom. (((HUGS)))
And it's just so sad the way your H is behaving. Towards you, yes, but even more tragically towards his sons. He could have behaved honourably and still ended the marriage if that was what was best for him. He could have poured his attentions into building himself a new life and making sure his relationships with them were solid. He's done none of those things - and apparently even now he has what he wants and is behaving as he thinks is best - he's still acting destructively and selfishly. I really feel for your son. No son - even a grown man - should have to set boundaries with his father around drunken and bullying text messages.
The further I get into my own situations, and the more I read about others, the more I see that the choice ahead is very simple for all of us. What kind of people do we want to be? I look at the way my H has - at times - spewed and blamed and sat in his misery, blaming everyone else for it - and the way that's impacted on his relationships with me and his children. Similarly to other WH and WW here. And I see LBS who concentrate on themselves and their children and friends, refuse to get bitter and petty, and start, after a lot of pain and distress, to thrive and enjoy being useful to others, valuing them and being valued in return. Or we can blame and spew and sit in self pity (I've done plenty of that myself!) and end up as mad and unattractive and unpleasant as our H's.
I guess it's human nature. We can respond to pain in positive or negative ways. I think you're doing a marvellous job and it inspires me. I am sure you are an inspiration to your sons too.
I've booked an adventure. I will be travelling to Africa next February to fulfill a longtime desire to see elephants in the wild. So 2 days in Johannesburg, 10 days on an overland safari (mixture of camping and lodges) which takes me into the Okavango delta and 2 days in Victoria falls in a very nice hotel (recovering from the camping)
The overland safari is with a tour group of no more than 10 (strangers!) and the days either side are by myself.
A colleague at work commiserated that I didn't have anybody to go with!! I told him that I didn't want to go with anyone. This was my trip and I didn't want to take anyone else into account.
I can't wait. It has been officially named as the FFF holiday - Fifty, fabulous and F**k you holiday. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone (but in a safe way) but half the fun for me starts now with the research and watching documentaries. A good distraction.
Financially probably a really bad idea. I don't care. Much. It's just money that would otherwise be spent on a lawyer or on something boring for the house.
Speaking of Lawyers. Mine hasn't had any responses to letters / emails / phone calls since end of April.
I attended at a first mediation appointment yesterday (alone) but it took the mediator 5 minutes to determine that mediation wasn't likely to be the best or fairest way forward. So she signed the certificate for the judge to say that mediation wasn't appropriate. She made the point that we had made 8 months of requests for voluntary disclosure with non forthcoming so he wasn't likely to participate in a non-mandatory mediation process.
You rock Yorkie , show us how is it is done . A beacon to the lost souls. Sounds amazing, journey of a lifetime , hopefully I will Trump your great adventure soon ;)hopefully
That's a great thing to look forward to. 6 months to go then! It will be a big deal for you as you'll focus on yourself even more when everything else is far away.
BTW thank you for you input in my thread too recently.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Yorkie - I think the lead up to your trip (research, maybe some language learning?) will be just as much fun as the trip itself. It will really keep you focused to the future and present, and out of the past.
I'm also torn with the idea of another "Financially probably a really bad idea. I don't care. Much. It's just money" trip. It's a balance, for sure. But when given the choice, I think travel is always the right decision.
Just had a meeting at the house with a new Estate Agent and H. Have to admit was feeling a bit 'wary' about it. I think it is about the 3rd time I have spoken to him in person in 2019.
Anyway, I shouldn't have worried. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was surprised at his physical appearance. The unkempt straggly beard and bad complexion is not something I have seen in 30 years, but I just registered it and thought 'oh well....that's interesting' like I would have done if the neighbour had called round.
I have to say that I still think that I am talking to a shell, but of course that may be just the H that I see. I don't feel angry, sad, nostalgic, love. Nothing. Maybe some relief that we managed to get through this meeting and a brief one afterwards with just us 2 without resorting to point scoring. Not worth the effort really, because ordinarily I do enjoy a good bit of point scoring.
An hour was just about bearable. I did think when he'd gone that I can think of 20 people straight off the top of my head that I would rather spend time with than him.
Not really worthy of posting except to say, in my sitch, very little contact has done me wonders. I do have to think about the fact that if this M was over, why didn't I see it and why wasn't I brave enough to suggest that enough was enough? Laziness? Complacency? Too scared of a future on my own? Convenience? Needed somebody to empty the bins? (joke)
I certainly would have done it in a far more honourable way than he did, but perhaps he was the brave one and I was the coward. Food for thought.
