Tough times right now. Most of today was okay. I worked out and got a little bit of work done. I'm eating healthy.
But I'm sitting here at work with tears welling up in my eyes and considering going to the bathroom to cry. I just cant believe it still. I need to move on and live, I know, but this will never fully heal. I was always such a miserable person before, I don't want to go back to that. I want to be whole. I've never been whole before. I don't even know what it feels like.
I miss my best friend. I miss my so-called companion for life. I know I have to carry on, I sort of know how, but the emotions are honestly crushing me. I'm trying to go through the motions and practice what I preach, but I don't look forward to anything from the other side. Dating and pretending not to be boring and average is unappealing to me. I miss having someone I could just sit on the couch with.
I know she and I are done. I'm really having trouble accepting it and fear the wounds will keep me messed up forever. I have so much trauma and bad stuff in my brain that's been with me for life. I can't go back to that. I don't want to be a cloud of negativity. I don't want to be without a wife I can trust.
No point to this post, just gushing so I don't IRL.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
I also had a strong realization on Sunday after a friend told me that if I cant even trust myself, how can he or others depend on me? Made me think. I believe that feelings follow actions, not the other way around. I started my marriage without the runaway feelings, chose to love her, and built those feelings by doing so. They are rock solid feelings for her. I built them. I feel them fully. I believe she could do the same if she made the choice, fully.
I realized that even though I don't love myself right now, I need to apply the same logic. I need to take the actions to love myself, and the feelings will follow. It got me back on the GAL trajectory for the last few days.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
I also had a strong realization on Sunday after a friend told me that if I cant even trust myself, how can he or others depend on me? Made me think. I believe that feelings follow actions, not the other way around. I started my marriage without the runaway feelings, chose to love her, and built those feelings by doing so. They are rock solid feelings for her. I built them. I feel them fully. I believe she could do the same if she made the choice, fully.
I realized that even though I don't love myself right now, I need to apply the same logic. I need to take the actions to love myself, and the feelings will follow. It got me back on the GAL trajectory for the last few days.
There's a lot of Truth in what you said oops13. It took me nearly a year to realize this and put some of it into actual action. The Feelings Will Follow the actions when you take proper necessary actions to better yourself in your life or at least start in small increments you will feel empowered. When you feel weak and you want the same relationship with the same person, in which you know that failed whether it be for your reasons and your guilt or theirs. You know you are weak and going on what you know is in your comfort zone due to complacency. When you reach out of your comfort zone you will see change gradually. Some People Change faster than others. I only change as fast as my actions and desire to change when I stop making excuses for myself and everything and everyone around me. But it will Empower you with or without your W. We all want what we had but the problem is what we had wasn't working. So whether it is temporary quits or permanent quits it's still our job to keep moving forward no matter what. I've been carrying a lot of guilt around for the last 11 months. I made myself think about it everyday until I learned from it. I still haven't learned fully from it, because my mind has to grasp the solution to change and then put it into action and then once the actions take place and become habits it becomes internalized. But I will piece by piece, habit by habit, day by day. At first all the GAL activities feel like filler because there's a big gaping hole in us and we're doing without someone that we were used to having as companion accompanying us. After a while we make it our own again and we internalize it. Slowly everyday we make a new change from a new apartment to a new setting environments Hobby Habit friends, whatever it's going to be a new part of us you grows like a budding tree. Leave the old dead branches where they are on the ground. They are there for a reason and they're in the past for a reason. Our spouses will become different people and so will we. When people can't grow together in a relationship this is what happens whether we realize it's happening or not. We will all be okay regardless of what happens. Just as they have to find themselves independently we have to rediscover ourselves as as well. I think that a whole person can say when their independence living their best self in their best life. The whole person can say to another person that they are complementary to them and not codependent. A whole person is willing to say what they are willing to accept into their life and their world and their frame, and say no to a person if they're not willing to accept certain things. Then there's compromise which is a whole nother ball game. Just don't ever bargain yourself or your principles away and remember principles before passion. People don't have to like my ideologies are my beliefs and it's their right to do so. I can always agree to disagree but that's as far as it goes. They are welcome to stay or they're welcome to leave whether its the STBXW, family, friends, or future R's. Even though I hate it I would rather be alone compromise my principles again for anyone, because they bear the threat of leaving me and what was familiar.
I noticed something about GAL. When you start making it about yourself and you start taking care of yourself your finances your home your lifestyle. You internalize It. It becomes a part of you again and not something you share it with out of complacency or co dependency. It feels good because the actions indicate that you are building and you are not breaking down. it really is operating like you're single again and there is something exciting about it yeah there are some sad and lonely times, but this is when growth occurs. I know this sounds counterintuitive but whatever is past is past let it fail. It failed for a reason as long as he realized what those reasons were improved from them. You will grow from this and you will get stronger.
Oops, this is some miserable stuff to go through, and you are going to cry and feel down, that's part of the recovery process. Try to hold it together as best you can! You can't see it right now but you've got a great future ahead waiting for you. This pain is temporary. I remember people telling me that and it really didn't help much at the time because the pain was so excruciating. But they were right, it did pass and I did find extreme happiness on the other side. So hang onto hope!
A quick update. I basically threw in the towel shortly after my latest post, and without going into detail that would be too identifiable, there was an event that essentially let her know that I was done. This resulted in her turning around and fighting for the marriage. There have been ups and downs, of course, and I wouldn't say she's fully committed, but she's been moving forward. We're in MC now.
I am anything but relieved though. I don't know if I even want the marriage myself. I don't trust her at all, naturally. I don't have any idea who she really is.
I've been conflicted on posting for anonymity's sake and because I haven't exactly been DB'ing. I GAL and was vulnerable if anything. I'm fine with any outcome if that doesn't work though.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
