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A Message from Michele
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My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 7 #2854656
06/26/19 03:32 PM
06/26/19 03:32 PM
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Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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ovrrnbw  Offline OP
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Missouruh
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Part 6

Hello friends...

Just posting an update here. Still in IC, still working on my 180s, still working on things with W.

I've been repeating the word "practice" in my head a lot. As in practice the techniques to be calm, detached, good at listening, supportive, validating. I am trying to "practice" them everywhere from driving the car and dealing with turds to interactions with W and family. I'm getting better, but still not there. I'm still getting the urge to bicker, be petty, or get revenge after I feel slighted. That's obviously what caused a lot of resentment in my W.

I'm all stressed about the 4th b/c I'll probably be seeing my dad at his lake house. We will also be going to the inlaws lake house over the 4 day weekend. My R with him has gone downhill in the last few years, basically since getting married. I'm trying my best to understand why, but it's most likely b/c we've done spec homes and that's W's family's arena. They had a large construction company and FIL retired in his early 50's. My dad needs to be the smartest, needs to be needed, and wants to feel like everyone knows it. So this causes resentment and he has been combative and petty around me and W over the years. My sister even mentioned that my presence causes him to be less fun. Of course, he's not that easygoing to begin with. So this is why I'm all worried about it. My dad is super passive aggressive, sometimes blatantly aggressive, always dismissive, and deflects responsibility for how he treats everyone. And then our lake neighbors he holds up on this pedestal which makes me, W, and my sister mad b/c they get treated better.

I'm preparing to handle things differently but I'm not even sure how. 8 years ago I bought a boat with my dad, and we keep it at his lake house. Maybe in the next year or two I'll be buying a second home and I have a boat I keep at my home. We actually went out skiing and swimming last night on it, which was fun. So I'm just never sure what to do with my dad and it's pisses me off just thinking about it.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 7 [Re: ovrrnbw] #2854683
06/26/19 04:59 PM
06/26/19 04:59 PM
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curtis7 Offline
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Over, curious if your W ever told you why she chose to end the A? Was it because she likes your 180s? Felt loss from you letting her go and moving on? Did the OM stop pursuing her? Your actions or something else?


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Re: My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 7 [Re: ovrrnbw] #2854891
06/27/19 06:01 PM
06/27/19 06:01 PM
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Posts: 2,606
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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ovrrnbw  Offline OP
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In so many words, really. I never asked, and she never said "this is why it's over with OM". She told me that she loved me and we've always been passionate, but that she was scared of continuing to get hurt over and over. She saw me make some changes and wanted to try again. Of course me being way more successful, smarter, making way more money were the tangible differences that women want. Making the intangbile changes was what she really wanted and I'm sure it took her a while to get over her own anger that I had finally made those changes after my W was "done". Making 180s puts a strange turmoil on the WW/WH b/c now you are what they were looking for but they've gone and complicated things and it's hard to turn back.

I dunno if OM stopped pursuing her. I don't care. I don't think about OM much other than how it'd be great to run into him in a dark alley. But I have plenty of stuff going on, I wouldn't risk my business (soon to be businesses) over some scum on my boot.

I don't think she'd have been looking my way if I didn't let up on the pressure though. I hated stopping the pressure, it ate me up but I did it anyways. Once I stopped the pressure she had to look at this idiot that the OM was and his situation and it didn't look good. But she wouldn't have done that if I was in her head all the time pissing her off even more. My W obviously went back and forth several times which just goes to show you why we say believe nothing they say b/c it changes one minute to the next.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 7 [Re: ovrrnbw] #2854897
06/27/19 06:22 PM
06/27/19 06:22 PM
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neffer Offline
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Ease your mind ovr. Try to enjoy the free time. Keep PMA.

TIme, patience, no anxieties.

When are you both starting MC?


WW H(me): 50
W: 46
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 7 [Re: ovrrnbw] #2855309
07/01/19 04:01 AM
07/01/19 04:01 AM
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NicoleR Offline
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Hi Ovrrnbw, it's great to see your update! I'm so glad you and your wife are hanging in there together. It seems you made it past the crisis point and not only are you stronger and wiser but you're still married and together with your wife. That's a major achievement! I hope the 4th with your dad goes as well as possible. Sometimes you simply need to tolerate the other person's presence and persevere. Sometimes not engaging much and just keeping things superficial is the best you can do.

Re: My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 7 [Re: ovrrnbw] #2860675
08/08/19 02:07 PM
08/08/19 02:07 PM
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SteveLW Online
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ovr, what is the latest in your sitch?


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 7 [Re: ovrrnbw] #2860698
08/08/19 03:33 PM
08/08/19 03:33 PM
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Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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Things are chugging along fine with the W. She is actually becoming more patient and understand overall. Of course she has a lot of experience built up that still leads her into conflict with me and that's where I am trying to be understanding. I get ILY's and happy texts, she's cooking more and helping more. I need to get out and GAL more. I have a longer winded post about some personal life stuff too that I'll post later today most likely.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 7 [Re: ovrrnbw] #2860702
08/08/19 04:10 PM
08/08/19 04:10 PM
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Max2k10 Offline
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Sounds like you are re-attracting her. You’ve pulled out the thorn which was causing irritation...well done!


Me: 36 W:38
M13
S10 D8
ILYBNILY: Feb 2019(?)
Sep in House: Mar 2019
EA1 started 2017, discovered 6/19
Re: My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 7 [Re: NicoleR] #2861277
08/14/19 01:06 AM
08/14/19 01:06 AM
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Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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Hello friends,

Originally Posted by curtis7
Over, curious if your W ever told you why she chose to end the A? Was it because she likes your 180s? Felt loss from you letting her go and moving on? Did the OM stop pursuing her? Your actions or something else?

No. I didn't really ask. She said she just really loved me. Her and I had a lot of passion in the beginning of our R that carried us a long way and things really regressed from there over the years. I don't think the OM stopped. My actions were just simple and hard LRT. No pursuit. If you do that for several months it changes things. When she started pursuing me but flip flopping it made things hard on me and I went no contact. That means I wouldn't answer or return a call or text from her. I intentionally would not come home so I couldn't see her. I stayed out all night a couple of times with a friend. Or, on the rare occassion my W was home, I'd come home late like 10:30 or 11 PM and go straight to bed. Then I'd wake up early and get on out the door. But every time she came back I had a hard time being strong. That was my struggle the whole time and even today in ways.

Originally Posted by NicoleR
Hi Ovrrnbw, it's great to see your update! I'm so glad you and your wife are hanging in there together. It seems you made it past the crisis point and not only are you stronger and wiser but you're still married and together with your wife. That's a major achievement! I hope the 4th with your dad goes as well as possible. Sometimes you simply need to tolerate the other person's presence and persevere. Sometimes not engaging much and just keeping things superficial is the best you can do.

Hi Nicole, thanks for checking in on me! I am at a breaking point with dad.

Originally Posted by neffer
When are you both starting MC?
I have no plans of asking her about this. We are making repairs and learning new things on our own. I am just not going to ask about it b/c I think it is too formal, too something that I can't describe.

The big thing going on is with my relationship with my dad. We like to go to the lake a lot. My family and my W's family. And both families have houses there. My Dad and I co-own a boat from 7 years ago. We used to co-own and co-pay for it with my brother. Everyone sent their part of the payment to my dad. About 5 years ago, my brother decided, without group approval, that he wasn't going to pay for the boat anymore. My dad hid it from me for 6 months or so. My dad then went on to allow my brother to use the boat whenever he wanted over the years, usually 2 or 3 times a year when I wasn't at the lake. I always got pissed at my dad about this. My dad always tried to find a way to justify it. This has been a big deal for a long time.

Back in July, we were hanging with my Dad. My Dad asks about helping my sister move on the first weekend in August. Since we would have to stay home for parties the 2 prior weekends, I ask him to ask her about doing it on a weeknight as she doesn't have much to move or far to go, she is 25 and just starting out. A couple weeks later my dad asks me if I can help him on the Saturday again. I ask him if he asked about a weeknight. He replies "can't I just give up one Saturday in my life"?. I just reiterated that it wouldn't take long and I wanted to go to the lake. Well the week of her move he drops into my office unannounced to TELL me that my brother will be going to the lake and using the boat. I'm like WTF.

Backstory on my brother: we had a fight about 5 years ago. He left me at the lake, 2.5 hours away from home b/c he thought I owed him $10. I moved out of his house, he said I owed him $200 b/c I left my car there for a week or two after I moved out. We had no written rental agreement. My brother threatened to shut my phone off b/c we were on a family plan. Then he shut the phone off. I then got my own service. He got a cancellation fee and expected me to pay it or rejoin the family plan. I refused. My FIL repaired his roof for an insurance claim during all this, as he had agreed prior. My brother banked over $5,000 b/c he got a special deal from my FIL. My W and I were just dating at this time. And ever since then my brother has been avoiding me. There's more to that story but that's enough for now.

So back to my dad, he and I refi'd the boat last winter to take my brother off. My dad came to schmooze me and tell me how it was going to be. I finally had enough. I ask him if he respects me and sees me as an equal partner. He wouldn't answer. I asked again, no answer. Finally, I told him that I was an equal partner and he needed to treat me as such. I told him that I don't approve of my brother using the boat. My brother, besides being an ahole, is an ex partner who got out the wrong way and wants to cake eat on the boat 2 or 3 times a year. My dad doesn't see my brother much either, so he's always trying to manipulate him back into his life. And my dad was trying to manipulate my sister's move to avoid everything.

So I got down to the lake the first weekend in August and the boat was gone. My brother and his GF had taken it and docked it at a condo dock for a few nights. I was pissed. My brother's gf knows my brother is not an owner or payor on the boat and should not be on it. I messaged her to let her now that I was going to look for the boat and pull it out of the water and put it on the trailer if I found it. But I didn't, and my brother and his GF got to use the boat while I did not. I had a huge fight with my dad. Then we went to my in laws lake house and tried to make the best of the weekend. On Sunday, I went to my dad's lake house, hooked up the trailer and pulled out my boat. I put it in storage for the time being. I'm pretty pissed at my dad. I have blocked his phone. My dad showed up to my office on the following Monday demanding to talk. I wouldn't let him in, so he threatened my W. W doesn't report her nanny income and gets paid cash so he made an insinuation about the IRS. I haven't talked to him yet. But my plan is to buy or sell the boat and not speak to my dad any more. I'm ready to jump off the roller coaster he is always going to keep me on.

I know this was a ton and I know it may not all make perfect sense, sorry everyone.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 7 [Re: ovrrnbw] #2862860
08/26/19 05:06 PM
08/26/19 05:06 PM
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Posts: 2,606
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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Missouruh
Well, my W and I met my Dad last week after a couple weeks of NC with him. He started out trying to be nice but ultimately it turned ugly quite quickly. I have been using DB techniques with him. He got to threatening and getting upset that I wouldn't do what he wanted with the boat. He walked away from the meeting, but then called to say he would sell out. Great. Once we finalize the boat sale I don't plan on speaking to my dad anymore. I'm not saying never, but it always leads to the same thing.

Things with the W have been OK. I still have many bad habits that pop up every week. A key for me is to be open, to fight my feelings to hide things or to be snappy or to correct my W's speech, cooking, whatever...And I'm still in IC every week to work on that.

W and I made some friends in our neighborhood and we hung out with them on Sat and Sunday, so that was cool. Other than that I am just trying to be a good me.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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