Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,560
Likes: 1
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,560
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
Yes, watch her behaviour - but be careful your assumptions don't make her into an enemy when the facts might be simpler - she's unhappy and is trying to make herself happy.
This is absolute gold and stated so simply.

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 13
R
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
R
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by unchien
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
Yes, watch her behaviour - but be careful your assumptions don't make her into an enemy when the facts might be simpler - she's unhappy and is trying to make herself happy.
This is absolute gold and stated so simply.


I completely understand her being unhappy, we actually have lost 4 family members in the last 2 years. Additionally, the kids are now self sufficient mostly and she sees that and feels unneeded at times. If fact she and the kids have been in more squabbles lately. Partly because she is trying to get them to do more around the house and they resist. The most recent funeral we attended for our brother-in-law (6/18) she seemed to be warming to me, we sat together at dinner and she seem almost wanting to reconcile by smiling and joking with me. Is that just me reading her wrong?

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,560
Likes: 1
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,560
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Rex11031
The most recent funeral we attended for our brother-in-law (6/18) she seemed to be warming to me, we sat together at dinner and she seem almost wanting to reconcile by smiling and joking with me. Is that just me reading her wrong?

Good DB lesson here - you will see often: "Believe none of what they say, and half of what they do"

I spin that into: "Don't waste your time interpreting any of what they say, and only interpret that which they do consistently."

In other words... don't bother reading your W's actions at dinner. She could be warming up. She could be trying to let you down easier. She could be happy because her favorite sports team won a game earlier that day. Who knows.

So far, she has been incredibly consistent in expressing her desire to leave.

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 13
R
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
R
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Emotional Affair/ Physical Affair/Imaginary Affair (And yes it has happened.) EA/PA/IA. There should be a link to all acrynoms in link Cadet provided you with. Start paying close attention to W's behaviors more than her words. But don't make yourself crazy over it. Just document it or make a mental note of it. Patterns and behaviors are going to change, and ur comes with the territory of her being done with the M. But will provide you clues as to if you are intentionally or unintentionally being manipulated to help your WAW to move into the direction SHE WANTS YOU TO MOVE IN WHICH ONLY WILL BENEFIT HER AWAY from the M. Don't help her with it but don't stand in her way either, give lots and lots if space. You may possibly start seeing a lot of selfishness on her part, or not... just trying to give you a heads up of what to anticipate it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Keep posting on the behaviors, and also make us aware of what things you can change that you contributed to the downfall of the marriage




Another part of the story...first, some background, so about 8 years ago my wife introduced me to a musician who played small venues (dinner and music type places) and house concerts. This musician was formerly a legit rock star playing with numerous bands and has a few CDs out of his own. He is does alternative self help stuff like astrology readings etc. to help followers and provide some levity at same time. He also is a recovering alcoholic and is open about it. He is about 10-12 years older than my STBX and I. He has been divorced several times most likely due to being on the road so much. Over time we (all 3 of us) have become friends in general terms. I even had him do a few house concerts at my home. Regarding my wife, back about 8-10 years ago she a had bout with depression a d drinking where she'day around most of the day and drink 1/2 of red wine in afternoon/evening until she'd fall asleep on the couch by 8pm. This lasted for 12-16 months. Eventually she kicked the habit on her own but had support from me and our musician friend. More recently, since STBX asked for a separation, she has made two trips to visit him with our kids (but she has never even suggested that I go). She states that the purpose is so that his kids can have playmates since he lives in a remote area a d due to the fact he shares custody of kids, his kids are 4 & 8 when my kids are 8, 12 & 20.

Now to the point...I suspect she has had an EA, likely not PA, with our musician friend for many years. I'm not sure of the amount of contact (texting or calling) happening, likely not daily due to fact he lives 2.5 hours away and travels a good bit. Additionally, he plans to move to CONN soon to be closer to his kids primary home. So this situation may get interesting. Am I crazy in think like this?

When I'm not happy about it I'm not going to go nuts over it. My biggest concern is my wife making it seem that our musician friend is a 2nd dad to my kids...I wish to not confuse my kids with that BS. I'm their dad, no one else.

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Hey Rex, welcome to the forums!

Originally Posted by Rex11031

"I think we need to talk. I believe we have reached the end of our marriage. It was a good run, but I think we both know it's time to move on. Please know that I love you. Don't be angry. It will do no one any good. We have kids to think about. Let's figure out a plan that works best so no lawyers are involved because they will steal the money. I will obviously need to find a real job but please help me in this process. Don't make me the enemy. We aren't each other enemies. Let's think about the kids and what is best all around. I'm not out to hurt you or try to take everything. It's not in my nature to be that way. I would like to find an apartment nearby so we can make the transition for the kids as smooth as possible. I think we will all be happier in the long run."


OK so that's a fairly classic BD (Bomb Drop). Your general attitude should be "I don't want divorce, I would rather you stay here and work on the M, but if moving out is what you want I will not stand in your way." Here's the thing though, do not do any of the work for her. Don't help her find a place, don't fund her separation activities, don't help her move, don't even move out of the bedroom. Make her do ALL the work. If she wants to go get an apartment then fine, she can get a job and get an apartment. DON'T MAKE THIS EASY ON HER. If you try to help her with this she will lose what little respect she may still have for you.

Quote
"The man from Starbucks was of course very flattering in a time that I was extremely vulnerable but I realized that isn't what I want either. I need to grow and rediscover myself. It's a personal journey"


Well at least you know why she wants to move out. To open the door to more affairs.

Quote
"What if you just move into my mom's room for now or vice versa. We can uncouple peacefully and gently. I know how confusing this must feel. This is my independence and self realizations that you are witnessing. It's not an attack on you. By staying under one roof as a non couple it will give more time to sort out financial stuff better and allow for my job process. I think this will be the best way for now."


What a load of WAS drivel. "uncouple peacefully and gently" LOL! Look, don't believe the smoke screen. She wants to set all the terms and she wants you to buy into it. Don't. Again just reiterate to her that it's not what you want, but if that's what she wants then fine she is free to proceed and you will not stop her. BUT YOU ARE NOT MOVING OUT OF THE BEDROOM OR THE HOUSE, AND YOU ARE NOT FUNDING HER ANTICS, PERIOD. Stand your ground on that.

Quote
Yesterday she fixed up our guest BR ("mom's room") and plans to stay in the house until she has a FT job and can live "independant".


Fine, don't stand in her way if that's what she wants.

Quote
She has stated she is not out to hurt me but suggested that I should move out maybe, I have no intention to do so.


ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! One of the other guys here moved out under the agreement with his W that it was temporary, he was hoping to appease his wife. Guess what she did, she immediately changed the locks. He tried to move back in and couldn't get in the house. He was later told by the court that since he VOLUNTARILY moved out that he gave up his rights to live there. Don't move out!

Quote
She even said that my 20 and 12 yo said me moving out is good idea


She's lying. Get used to that, she may have never lied to you before but she is not who she used to be. You're now married to a lying cheater. She may go back to her old self some day, but for now you need to understand what you are up against.

Quote
but has said she doesn't want any "strange" men in the house.


I would be crystal clear with her that that will NOT happen. If she wants to have affairs she needs to be gone, period.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Rex11031
Now to the point...I suspect she has had an EA, likely not PA, with our musician friend for many years.


You are probably right then.

Quote
My biggest concern is my wife making it seem that our musician friend is a 2nd dad to my kids...I wish to not confuse my kids with that BS. I'm their dad, no one else.


Assuming you are active in your kids' lives then this will never be an issue. They know who "dad" is. And if you haven't been active in their lives, well now is your chance to do a 180 on that.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 13
R
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
R
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by Rex11031
Now to the point...I suspect she has had an EA, likely not PA, with our musician friend for many years.


You are probably right then.

Quote
My biggest concern is my wife making it seem that our musician friend is a 2nd dad to my kids...I wish to not confuse my kids with that BS. I'm their dad, no one else.


Assuming you are active in your kids' lives then this will never be an issue. They know who "dad" is. And if you haven't been active in their lives, well now is your chance to do a 180 on that.


My kids love me, more so than her and they have said so even before the BD, that is because I care and do my best to be active in their daily lives. For instance, recently the STBX and daughter (12) was out shopping and daughter wanted some lunch...STBX refused to pay and told daughter to pay for it, which upset my daughter....she said to me "who does that to their kid"

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,451
Likes: 32
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,451
Likes: 32
Originally Posted by Rex11031
which upset my daughter....she said to me "who does that to their kid"

Maybe your wife had other thoughts, (maybe it was too expensive or she did not have the money, who knows)
your job is to not get in the way of your kids and their mother.


Me-68, D36,S35
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 13
R
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
R
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 13
Regarding "YOU ARE NOT FUNDING HER ANTICS, PERIOD. Stand your ground on that."

So STBX is a housewife primarily, works 1-2hrs week just for something to do. I provide everything...car, home, insurance, spending money etc. Since her mom's passing this spring she has received an inheritance ($30k in May and $50k due around November - I know this because her sister told me (not my STBX) and because she owes me for her inheritance tax ($3600)). She has no willingness to share costs on anything except a meal now and then. She did demand that home improvements be done about 2 weeks ago and we go 50/50, but has gone away with no more talk of it. I give her $1k monthly for misc. spending. I usually get all groceries and household items.

Should I stop providing her $1k monthly?

Last edited by Rex11031; 06/26/19 02:41 PM.
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 159
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 159
I would, but I donít know much about it

Originally Posted by Rex11031
Regarding "YOU ARE NOT FUNDING HER ANTICS, PERIOD. Stand your ground on that."

So STBX is a housewife primarily, works 1-2hrs week just for something to do. I provide everything...car, home, insurance, spending money etc. Since her mom's passing this spring she has received an inheritance ($30k in May and $50k due around November - I know this because her sister told me (not my STBX) and because she owes me for her inheritance tax ($3600)). She has no willingness to share costs on anything except a meal now and then. She did demand that home improvements be done about 2 weeks ago and we go 50/50, but has gone away with no more talk of it. I give her $1k monthly for misc. spending. I usually get all groceries and household items.

Should I stop providing her $1k monthly?

Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard