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On 5/26....

I got the following via txt message early Sunday morning...

"I think we need to talk. I believe we have reached the end of our marriage. It was a good run, but I think we both know it's time to move on. Please know that I love you. Don't be angry. It will do no one any good. We have kids to think about. Let's figure out a plan that works best so no lawyers are involved because they will steal the money. I will obviously need to find a real job but please help me in this process. Don't make me the enemy. We aren't each other enemies. Let's think about the kids and what is best all around. I'm not out to hurt you or try to take everything. It's not in my nature to be that way. I would like to find an apartment nearby so we can make the transition for the kids as smooth as possible. I think we will all be happier in the long run."

Some context to the situation...we've been married 20+ years, 3 kids (20, 12, 8 yo), she is primarily a homemaker working PT 1-2hrs/wk, I earn 99% household income and pay all bills. I have good relationship with the kids. I help my oldest with college etc. My 12 yo is Into sports and I take her to practice and go to games. My 8yo is bright and adventurous, but has ADHD and I've been able to pay for tutoring etc. so he is upto grade lvl in all areas. The kids go to a private elementary and I pay for it all. We shared responsibility for getting the kids ready for school and homework etc. over the years.

Latest txt message from her following a heart to heart conversation yesterday morning....

"The man from Starbucks was of course very flattering in a time that I was extremely vulnerable but I realized that isn't what I want either. I need to grow and rediscover myself. It's a personal journey"....and

"What if you just move into my mom's room for now or vice versa. We can uncouple peacefully and gently. I know how confusing this must feel. This is my independence and self realizations that you are witnessing. It's not an attack on you. By staying under one roof as a non couple it will give more time to sort out financial stuff better and allow for my job process. I think this will be the best way for now."

Yesterday she fixed up our guest BR ("mom's room") and plans to stay in the house until she has a FT job and can live "independant". Some more backstory...she just lost her mom, our nephews fiancee whom she was somewhat close too was murdered and she attended the trial, the husband of a couple we know just passed away leaving the wife with nothing and two kids to raise.

She has stated she is not out to hurt me but suggested that I should move out maybe, I have no intention to do so. She even said that my 20 and 12 yo said me moving out is good idea, but we haven't told the 12 yo yet and the 20 yo doesn't have a strong opinion either way, but has said she doesn't want any "strange" men in the house. My wife also mentioned that she knows that she is entitled to 40% of what I make, but doesn't want to hurt me or the kids....

Some advice would greatly be appreciated, please!

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I am posting Cadet's Welcome Thread for you. Please read all of the homework.


Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31

Last edited by Cadet; 06/25/19 04:19 PM. Reason: fix link

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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First off, sorry you are here - this forum is very helpful so keep posting. Definitely read the Welcome Thread, especially the ones on Sandi's 37 rules, Detachment, and Validation. And try to discreetly get a copy of DR and hide it from your W.

Don't initiate any R talks, your W sounds very determined with her decision right now. It will only reinforce her mindset.

I would say absolutely do not move out. Good instinct.

In addition to the life events you mentioned, are there issues between you and your W that may have contributed to her wanting to walk away?

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Im going to wait until more info unfolds on history here. But That BD was a very clear, concide, direct AND. VERY THROUGHLY SCRIPTED DELIVERENCE. Rex. DO NOT MOVE OYT OF THE MBR OR MARITAL HOME! Listen to their issues with you, and calmly validate them, apologize once and ONLY ONCE. They are the ones the want out, your W can move to any other part of the house right now, or move out. Got it? You have to understand based on her statements she's trying to push you out of her life, is staging for it, and is trying to guilt, shame, and voluntarily have you leave for " her "space, self discovery, and independence" we have all heard pretty much the exact words and variance of them here. It is scripted and they don't even realize it. She is trying to make the transition as convenient and fluid as possible, and trying not to be facetious or vindictive in the process but is letting you know that she's entitled to some of your money, and is using it as leverage She does not respect you as a man right now. She is most likely going to cry kick and scream to fulfil her plan. Don't stand in her way but stand firm. There may also be the possibility of an EA/PA going on.Do not leave the MBR for legal reasons having to do with your children, protect them, your assets, and your rights, and claims to the marital home. DO NOT LET HER PUSH YOU OUT. IF SHE WANTS OUT SHE CAN LEAVE the MBR or the Marital home.

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What is EA/PA? Sorry I'm new.

Do I assume that EA means extramartial affair?

On that note...should I simply ask her if there is someone else? She'll likely lie about it, but it's been about a month since that conversation.

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Originally Posted by Rex11031
What is EA/PA? Sorry I'm new.

Do I assume that EA means extramartial affair?

On that note...should I simply ask her if there is someone else? She'll likely lie about it, but it's been about a month since that conversation.

Yes that is what it means.

No do not ask her.


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Regarding marital issues between she and I, we have had issues about who is responsible for what around the house and since I earn 99% $ I've sometimes made comments that I shouldn't have. We both have made accusations (EA) in the past, but that was more to do with not paying attention to each other and not being a couple. More recently (past 5 years) her mother has been in declining and she passed this spring. During those 5 years it was stressful for both of us. She was always tired and had no time for the kids or I. Obviously, the kids and I didn't appreciate that much, which is why the kids are not to happy with her.

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Emotional Affair/ Physical Affair/Imaginary Affair (And yes it has happened.) EA/PA/IA. There should be a link to all acrynoms in link Cadet provided you with. Start paying close attention to W's behaviors more than her words. But don't make yourself crazy over it. Just document it or make a mental note of it. Patterns and behaviors are going to change, and ur comes with the territory of her being done with the M. But will provide you clues as to if you are intentionally or unintentionally being manipulated to help your WAW to move into the direction SHE WANTS YOU TO MOVE IN WHICH ONLY WILL BENEFIT HER AWAY from the M. Don't help her with it but don't stand in her way either, give lots and lots if space. You may possibly start seeing a lot of selfishness on her part, or not... just trying to give you a heads up of what to anticipate it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Keep posting on the behaviors, and also make us aware of what things you can change that you contributed to the downfall of the marriage



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Sounds like she is not too happy. Period - at least right now.

She is likely going through the stages of grief from the passing of her mother.

You can't FIX that - just give her time and space.


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It sounds like she's communicating calmly and respectfully and that she's really not happy. I don't see any attempts on her part to shame you or to cause you feel guilt. It's also reasonable that she's done some research as to her options. I second the advice not to move out - it's not okay she's consulting your kids about this, but you can't do anything about that. If she wants to separate, she can and should do the moving out and the leg work of arranging it all.

I think the best thing to do is give her as much space as you can. You can stop doing husbandly-type things for her, given that she doesn't want to be your wife - and you can do that peacefully. She may well be in an affair, but it really isn't a given. I BD'd my husband and there was no-one else for me - I just didn't want the marriage any longer as it stood. Yes, watch her behaviour - but be careful your assumptions don't make her into an enemy when the facts might be simpler - she's unhappy and is trying to make herself happy.

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