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End of part 7: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=61998&Number=2853606#Post2853606

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Yesterday W told me that she's no longer seeing OM. She's been trying to get me to see her for a few days now, and I've resisted. Apparently her mindset shifted (at least according to her) during a storm we had the other night. Here's a message I got from her:

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I'm quite serious about my experience in those high winds. I've been terrified of tornadoes my whole life. My biggest fears are being burned alive, or get sucked up into a tornado. It may seem a bit dramatic, but I really was scared that I'd never see S or you again. And I've wanted desperately just to see you for a moment since then just to make sure you're okay, which is very strange, considering our separation. I've been taking steps since then to change the way I look at things, the way I handle things, and trying to make moves towards healing our situation, not just my own. I miss you. I'd like to see you. I'd like to have dinner with you. Maybe for a split second we could recall everything that was right about us, so that we can focus on those things instead of all the heart break.

I know there's no un-doing all the hurt I've caused you. But, I can't live with myself if I don't at least try. I'll be here. Trying to get you to see how truly I want our family back together. Snuggled up altogether on the big bed, playing and having tickle fights.

If that's not what you want, just let me know and I'll respect your decision, after all, I walked away first. But please please don't walk away last. Let's fix this. Please.


And then another one:

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Even if it's broken, damaged, bruised, or whatever else... I still want it. Our family. It doesn't need to be perfect. But it needs to be us. I'm so sorry. I love you.


She's ramping up the attempts. I'm still resisting because...well, she kinda destroyed me. There's no way that I'm stupid enough to handle this as if it isn't some kind of trap.

But...she's making some level of effort...and I'm really not sure what to do. I probably need to re-read DB. Heh.

Meanwhile, I've GAL, so I'm just going to keep doing that, not withdrawing any paperwork at this point (not planning on it, honestly...). So...forward!

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BM, it might be time to test how serious she is.

Tell her there are some things to do BEFORE you even entertain getting back together:

1st, couple's therapy. Tell her you want to start once a week or twice a week couples therapy. Find a good therapist that has experience in reconciliation.

2nd, do some things together with S and her as a family. Again, weekly or every other week. Zoo. Park. Movie. Dinner. Make it about spending time together as a family. Nothing romantic. This is to see how committed she is, and to see how she behaves all together.

3rd, NO dates. No sleeping over. No romance until you give 1 and 2 a few weeks. This is called easing into the water. You know, like when you slowly get into a pool to get used to the temperature. Do not jump in all together. And do not put dating and romance above the hard work and healing that must come first.

Finally, DBing works! SO remember your learnings. Detachment (self-differentiaion). Restudy that subject again. Make sure you keep a healthy self-differentiation into your next R, whether with her or someone else. Keep your 180s. And continue to GAL!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Hey there blakmac,

I have read some of your threads over the last year. I am glad you are still here and posting. Often times people stop posting after they move on, D, or even when the W/H starts to come back. I hope you will stay with us and keep us updated. It is always very helpful to follow the sitches over time and as things change. I am sure the others can offer you better advice, as they know your sitch better and are more familiar with WWs in general. I do have a couple thoughts tho.

I think you are wise to have extremely low expectations (less than 0.5%, haha), because you have already been burned, so you want to protect yourself. Once we have expectations or become hopeful again, we open ourselves up to become vulnerable and to more hurt again. I also think you are wise to think about how damaging that could be to your son to have his family on again/off again, etc. Kids do much better when they have consistency and predictability.

I find her note to you interesting and I do think it could go in either direction. If I recall, she had multiple OM, correct? And she was not apologetic and remorseful to you? ... It does appear that she is missing having a family unit and that perhaps she is realizing that you have so much more to offer than the OM had. There is also that chance that she is afraid of what she has created and so now she is having regrets. I don't see that as the same thing as truly wanting to reconcile the M and work with you. That is a LOT OF WORK.

So even if over time, she starts to show you that yes, she does want to R with you and she does want to save the M. Let's say she continues to use the monitored app and she continues to tell you she only wants you, will do anything to save the M, and that she is regretful and remorseful. So even then, something you might want to think about is -- how has she changed so that you can have a healthy M and family with her? Has she or is she willing to look at her mistakes and change? ... it is also, and perhaps an even harder question, one that we have to ask of ourselves too: meaning, how have you changed and how are you willing to change to make this work, given all the hurt and damage that has occurred?

I think one of the hardest things about piecing a M together after all intimacy and trust has been eroded, is learning to understand them, forgive them, and also really owning our own mistakes in it. BOTH people have to change and own their own mistakes -- that is especially hard when the other person has had multiples betrayals and we feel wronged by them.

Blu

Last edited by BluWave; 06/21/19 02:08 PM.

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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I hope you will stay with us and keep us updated.


I'm not going anywhere. smile

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Once we have expectations or become hopeful again, we open ourselves up to become vulnerable and to more hurt again.


This is something I worry about. I can almost feel my resolve slipping...even if just from sheer curiosity. BUT...I'm gonna keep working on that. laugh

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If I recall, she had multiple OM, correct? And she was not apologetic and remorseful to you?


Correct on both counts.

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There is also that chance that she is afraid of what she has created and so now she is having regrets. I don't see that as the same thing as truly wanting to reconcile the M and work with you.


That's exactly the same vibe I'm getting from the whole thing. One thing that is a serious red flag to me (and I mentioned this to her yesterday) was that I know she's paying for a house that is her mom's name, and when child support kicks in it will make it very, very difficult (if it's even possible) to pay the mortgage on that house. So a lot of this looks like the thing that happened almost a year ago where she was about to get evicted and so she told me she wants to come back. The major difference I see this time is that when I told her I didn't know if that was a good idea a year ago, she went right back to telling me how she hated me. This time...she says it's different and she's not doing that. So...I'm not sure. I sometimes can't tell if she is getting more serious or if she's just adapting her strategy.

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how has she changed so that you can have a healthy M and family with her? Has she or is she willing to look at her mistakes and change? ... it is also, and perhaps an even harder question, one that we have to ask of ourselves too: meaning, how have you changed and how are you willing to change to make this work, given all the hurt and damage that has occurred?


This remains to be seen, at least on her end. As for me...I've become far harder and resistant to her antics. I've put a lot of study into learning how to set hard boundaries, how to keep people from just walking all over me, and I've just become a completely different person (I mean, I'm still me...heh...but my attitude is definitely more confident and I just...care far less about reacting to everything). Other than the insane stress of dealing with her and the D, I feel way, way better about myself than I have in...well, probably forever. She pushed me well past my breaking point early on, and now I just go on with my life. It's been rough...but almost worth it to learn how to handle myself. Almost. lol.

My mistakes are easy to own. I was passive. I was spineless. I was depressed. I was weak. But none of that excuses her actions. And none of those things are problems that I have anymore. At least not now. So...we'll see what happens. smile

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Take your time. Have the talk.

Take your time.

Hope...


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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blakmac Offline OP
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False alarm. smirk


Thursday, W said "Even if it's broken, damaged, bruised, or whatever else... I still want it. Our family. It doesn't need to be perfect, but it needs to be us. I'm so sorry. I love you."


This morning:

"I've been talking a lot of things over with some of my closer friends. Trying to figure myself out I guess. I've made an appointment with my doctor to discuss some of my meds. I might be experiencing some side effects. I can tell you that I wasn't, and I'm still not, trying to take advantage of you, which is why I'm taking the time to answer honestly. I don't really know that we can get past everything between us anymore. I've said this before. Our issues have only multiplied in the past year, and we couldn't overcome them before. I get sad and upset about the state of our family. I don't know the best course of action from here. I do think we should settle the D so we can get child support going as quickly as possible."


Yeah. Thought so.

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bm, based on her history, I expect she will continue to vacillate between these two extremes. "Let's get back together." "Let's not."

Stay above the crazy!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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No real change here. Also, sometimes there can be several false starts to reconciliation. I would say just continue to do what you are doing -- focusing on you, your son, and as Steve says to stay above the crazy. Keep being that lighthouse and keep standing tall. Keep being a strong father and the man only a fool would leave. That will continue to improve your confidence during a D.

She may go back and forth, throw out hooks, and she may change her mind and/or genuinely not even know what she wants for a long while. You can't control that. But the thing is, there may come a day -- in a few years or maybe just a few months -- where you both decide to give this another try. This even happens after D when the dust has settled. Sometimes after D, people feel less anxious about the unknown and can more clearly reflect on what they have lost.

She is still paying attention to you, clearly. You want to know that you handled yourself well -- for your family, your son, and mostly for you. Don't let your feelings about her and a D compromise your integrity. That is the hard part when someone jerks us around! Keep doing your thing -- stay quiet with her, but keep standing tall for you and your son. You got this.

Blu


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Thank you. I have been moving forward, trying to keep my integrity.

I've been doing ok.

Thing is...I expected this. And not just because of the DB books...but because I *seriously* suspect that she has BPD. When W left, she went nuts. A friend told me just today that when we were together, she would say "If I wasn't married I'd be down to sleep with pretty much anyone."

That stuff? It matches the BPD diagnostic criteria. So does the way she devalued/discarded, and now attempts to hoover me back in.

Funny thing is, the DB books have been really, really great at helping navigate this...as have BPD forums, narcissistic abuse survivors groups, etc.

It's like they're all playing the same exact game, except that some of them just have this as a temporary form of crazy, while others are more permanently broken.

It's amazing how similar a WW and a BPD are. Heh. The main difference I've found in the advice is that one is geared towards being okay with or without them coming back, and the other is geared towards being okay without them.

It feels like these are more than "temp checks". Some of this stuff is outright abuse.

But we keep going forward. Maybe she'll be able to overcome her stuff. If not...I tried.

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Originally Posted by blakmac
Thank you. I have been moving forward, trying to keep my integrity.


But we keep going forward. Maybe she'll be able to overcome her stuff. If not...I tried.


That is all any of us can do. At least you know you did everything and can be confident moving forward no matter the outcome. I am doing what I can too...trying to be the best I can be.

I have read your entire story. I'm not sure I have commented on any of it before. You've come a long ways and its good to see that you are still doing your best!


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
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