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A Message from Michele
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Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) #2853591
06/18/19 08:59 PM
06/18/19 08:59 PM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Time for a new thread already!

Part 1: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2834746&page=1
Part 2: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2841838&page=11

Things are going well for me, away from the W with almost no contact. Taking this time to focus on myself. I'm in the process of building a plan for myself going the span of the next 5 years.

1) Save for my own place, will be renting. Goal is to move out of my friends house and into my own place around august.

2) Get my dental work done, plan for this is to get the work done that is needed surgically here which will probably cost around $2k and then travel to South Carolina to get the remaining work done which will probably cost me around another $2k. This will save me around $4k in the end. The south carolina clinic will be before insurance so I would also get reimbursement from my insurance.

3) Fix my credit over the next 3 years and pay a little extra towards my car to pay it off sooner .

4) During all this save money for a down payment on a house in 5 years.

Last edited by mikeyb; 06/18/19 09:07 PM.

M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2853593
06/18/19 09:00 PM
06/18/19 09:00 PM
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Posts: 122
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Onto what was occuring in the previous thread with the email to the W. She responded back today with this:

Quote

I don't agree. I am going to move forward with out.


Any idea how I should reply or if I should reply? Thinking something along the lines:

Quote

W,
If this is how you wish to proceed that is fine, I will speak to an attorney this week and all further communication can be through my attorney.

Last edited by mikeyb; 06/18/19 09:07 PM.

M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2853598
06/18/19 09:19 PM
06/18/19 09:19 PM
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Posts: 6,501
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This is all about negotiations.

Quote
1) Old cell phone bill of $1,600.84 This was a joint expense that occurred while we were together and I expect 50% payment for this bill of $800.42
2) Return or purchase of the dresser. If you choose to purchase it I value it at $65
3) Return of my personal belongings noted below:
*Overkill Jacket
*Mtn Dew Dewshine Cup

Quote
I don't agree. I am going to move forward with out.



H:"W, I am confused. What do you not agree to?"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2853599
06/18/19 09:26 PM
06/18/19 09:26 PM
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Wait for her to explain.

Meanwhile,

Let her have the dresser. buy a better one.
Put a $ value to your two personal items. For example $200 each. I assume you really want these.

If she wants to keep the two personal items, than you will be claiming she owes you $1200 (800+200+200). If she returned the Jacket and the Cup, you will not quibble over the remaining $400.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: Ready2Change] #2853600
06/18/19 09:38 PM
06/18/19 09:38 PM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change

Wait for her to explain.

Meanwhile,

Let her have the dresser. buy a better one.
Put a $ value to your two personal items. For example $200 each. I assume you really want these.

If she wants to keep the two personal items, than you will be claiming she owes you $1200 (800+200+200). If she returned the Jacket and the Cup, you will not quibble over the remaining $400.




Yes I do, as they were gifts from family and I do want them back.

So I responded:
Quote

W,

I am confused. What is it that you don't agree with? And what do you mean by move forward without?
Please explain.

Thank you,

H


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2854173
06/23/19 08:41 PM
06/23/19 08:41 PM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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So I've had no response back from the W. Though the MIL texted me to ask about meeting up and finalizing everything. Yeah, no I won't be walked all over. I've been trying to be reasonable with her through this, I wasn't asking for much just for her to own up to her bills and return what she took. I wasn't going to go after anything else from her. She has funds that is technically marital funds between stock and 401K, and I wasn't going to touch it. But it seems like I need to at this point as there seems to be no reasoning with her, it's time for a very expensive lesson. I've decided that I will be speaking with an attorney this week and going over all my options. I will be the one to file and push for her to pay my fees. At this point there is nothing for me to lose as I don't want her back even if she came to me tonight crying and saying how wrong and sorry she is, the time for that is gone.

Even though I may not be 100% on my own, though I am making great strides to get there, I'm feeling way more confident in myself and better about myself with the progress I have made over the last 8 months. I've been making new friends, and getting out and it feels great.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2855686
07/03/19 04:08 PM
07/03/19 04:08 PM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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So I spoke with an attorney today, I could go for part of the marital portion of the 401k, half the stocks (all marital), plus half the cell phone bill, and even try to obtain bridge the gap support for me having to incur moving expenses. In which case my expenses would be about $3500ish to complete and anywhere from 60-180 days ti finalize. Which would leave me gaining appox. $3000 after attorney fees. Now I could also email my W and say I spoke with an attorney, this is what I can and will pursue if you choose to go this route or we can agree to paying half the bill, and half the stock and call it a day to which if she agreed I would gain approx $3500 since I wouldn't need attorney fees.

So my thought was an email like this in an attempt to negotiate:

W,

I spoke with an attorney so I can understand my rights through this. If you choose to pursue this route this is what I was advised I can and will pursue:
1) Half the marital portion of your 401K - my 401K balance (Balance unknown)
2) Half of the stock balance ($5,810 / 2 = $2,905)
3) Half of the cell phone bill ($1600.84 / 2 = $800.42)
4) Bridge the gap support for expenses incurred (Unknown at this time)

I am still willing to work with you on this and this is my new proposal:

1) Half the stock balance ($5,810 / 2 = $2,905)
2) Half of the cell phone bill ($1600.84 / 2 = $800.42)
3) And return of my belongings

Please respond with how you will like to proceed.

H


Thoughts?


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2855694
07/03/19 05:40 PM
07/03/19 05:40 PM
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Originally Posted by mikeyb

W,

I spoke with an attorney so I can understand my rights through this. If you choose to pursue this route this is what I was advised I can and will pursue:
1) Half the marital portion of your 401K - my 401K balance (Balance unknown)
2) Half of the stock balance ($5,810 / 2 = $2,905)
3) Half of the cell phone bill ($1600.84 / 2 = $800.42)
4) Bridge the gap support for expenses incurred (Unknown at this time)

I am still willing to work with you on this and this is my new proposal:

1) Half the stock balance ($5,810 / 2 = $2,905)
2) Half of the cell phone bill ($1600.84 / 2 = $800.42)
3) And return of my belongings

Please respond with how you will like to proceed.

H

Thoughts?



W, When you do not respond to my emails, I feel as if you do not want to finalize this. If you want this over quickly, I need a response to my proposal. I have been patient, but If I don't hear from you by Monday, I will start pursuing other avenues to help us resolve this.


Best regards,
mikey


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2855701
07/03/19 07:07 PM
07/03/19 07:07 PM
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AnotherStander Offline
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Mikey, I think it sounds fair and reasonable, but WHO KNOWS how she will reply. I would go ahead and fire it off and see what happens.

And copy/paste that blurb from R2C for use if she doesn't reply in a timely manner, that's a good one!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2855834
07/05/19 06:39 AM
07/05/19 06:39 AM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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So I fired off what I wrote before slightly modified:

Quote

W,

I have not heard back from you and I have been patient and reasonable. Because I have not heard back I have now spoken with an attorney to better understand my rights through all of this. If you choose to continue along this route below is what I was advised that I can and will pursue.

1) Half the marital portion of your 401K - my marital 401K balance (Balance unknown)
2) Half of your stock balance that is all marital ($5,810 / 2 = $2,905)
3) Half of the cell phone bill ($1600.84 / 2 = $800.42)
4) Half the remaining balance of Wedding loan in which we have already agreed upon ($938.19 / 2 = $469.09)
5) Bridge the gap support for expenses incurred (Unknown at this time)

I am still willing to work with you and avoid this route, and to do so here is my new proposal:

1) Half of your stock balance that is all marital ($5,810 / 2 = $2,905)
2) Half of the cell phone bill ($1600.84 / 2 = $800.42)
3) Half the remaining balance of Wedding loan in which we have already agreed upon ($938.19 / 2 = $469.09)
4) And return of my belongings

Please respond with how you would like to proceed.

H


and this is the response that I got from her:

Quote

Mom said she was trying to call you to set up a meeting to give you back your stuff and to sign the papers. But you never answered. So when do you want to meet up so i can give you back your stuff? And do you want to go to the bank a sign the paper work still or no? You said you weren't after my money but i knew that was a lie. The phone bill should not be 50% because i should not be paying for your phone, my phone, and your mom's phone. I would like to see how much my phone is? And were is my phone that i paying for? If i am paying for the phone i want it back. And you took money out of my 401k that i am still paying back. But when do want your stuff back and where do you want to meet up?


I'm not entirely sure how to interpret that response, to clarify a few things:
1) Her mom did reach out, but this was after the fact of the cell phone bill and my first email to the W about it and which she responded that she didn't agree and would continue without. So no response was needed as I was not signing the papers and she knew this.

2) The 401K stuff she is referring to is a loan against her 401K that WE took out about 1 1/2 years ago to help with some expenses.

3) Initially I wasn't after her money and that can be noted through all the previous posts that I have shared. I have tried to give her reasonable ways out and she is refusing them all so I am pushing harder every time. And now it has come to the point of financials being involved.

So the way that I am interpreting her response is that she now sees the pressure I am willing to put against her and she is now wanting to take my previous offer of paying the phone bill and returning my stuff, an offer that she had refused and is no longer on the table.

So I'm not exactly sure how to respond to that, more so the fact that she didn't even answer to what I was asking...


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2855890
07/05/19 09:23 PM
07/05/19 09:23 PM
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Quote

Mom said she was trying to call you to set up a meeting to give you back your stuff and to sign the papers. But you never answered. So when do you want to meet up so i can give you back your stuff? And do you want to go to the bank a sign the paper work still or no? You said you weren't after my money but i knew that was a lie. The phone bill should not be 50% because i should not be paying for your phone, my phone, and your mom's phone. I would like to see how much my phone is? And were is my phone that i paying for? If i am paying for the phone i want it back. And you took money out of my 401k that i am still paying back. But when do want your stuff back and where do you want to meet up?


This is how I deal with these type of emails. Ignore the strikeouts. Answer the bold.

Quote

Perfect. The earliest I can meet you is tomorrow around 3pm. If that doesn't work, let me know a time that does. Does either Starbucks or McDonald work for you?

I will get you a copy of the phone bill for your review.


How much more do we owe on the 401K?


Regards,

MyFirstname




"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2855892
07/05/19 09:30 PM
07/05/19 09:30 PM
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I wouldn't quibble over the money. Get a 2nd job for a few months easily covers the money.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2856010
07/07/19 11:54 AM
07/07/19 11:54 AM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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So gonna be honest, these last few days have been extremely harsh on me. In general day to day I'm doing good. But for some reason the last few nights I've been dreaming about her and coming back.

The only things I can think of is the fact that the 4th of July would have been 13 years since we got together, or it's the fact that I am now actively pursuing D and it's becoming more of a reality.

I've been waking up before I should be with her fresh in my mind and the feeling that the dreams were real. Once I fully wake up though I'm fine and it doesn't phase me the rest of the day. Except when I was going through all my photos on my Google photos and seeing so many good times, I moved all of them to an album out of plain sight so I wouldn't easily see them again. But yeah, the last few days have kinda sucked.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2856017
07/07/19 01:24 PM
07/07/19 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by mikeyb
So gonna be honest, these last few days have been extremely harsh on me. In general day to day I'm doing good. But for some reason the last few nights I've been dreaming about her and coming back.

The only things I can think of is the fact that the 4th of July would have been 13 years since we got together, or it's the fact that I am now actively pursuing D and it's becoming more of a reality.

I've been waking up before I should be with her fresh in my mind and the feeling that the dreams were real. Once I fully wake up though I'm fine and it doesn't phase me the rest of the day. Except when I was going through all my photos on my Google photos and seeing so many good times, I moved all of them to an album out of plain sight so I wouldn't easily see them again. But yeah, the last few days have kinda sucked.


I feel ya Mikey. We all have those dreams. I've had a lot of dreams about past ex's before while still married for 10 years too before BD. Some were about me always revisiting ex's at parents house, and we made up, and it felt good, but not right. Others were about getting back together with ex's at old apt. From 20 years ago, and meeting the person I was cheated on with. Sometimes its people that came into our lives, then came out of it. Sometimes its strangers, distant or estranged relatives, and deceased loved ones. Sometimes the emotional effects last anywhere between 5 and 30 minutes after waking. We have a tendency to search for meaning in it. But it really doesnt mean much. Its fruitless. Its just the subconscious mind looking for closure and wanting to make peace with things. The funny odd thing is? At least for me and my experiences is. I hardly if ever, dreamt of that person while sleeping right next to them. Maybe on seldom occaision. But once they were gone, or emotionally gone, I would dream of reconciling with them occasionally, only to wake up, and snap back to reality. Upon waking to reality, its a mixture of sadness, and soberness, like this is where I am and this is my current reality.

I had a really funny dream this morning unrelated to W but a tie in to my family. I was sleeping with, and putting the moves on a girl in her mid to late 20's that I picked up in a bar. Someone that I would never consider dating, or had any compatibility with. But it was nice to get some temporary attention. I was putting the moves on her, then I look up, and I see pictures of my family, and my memories of S1 and W were all up on her wall surrounding her bed. I stopped and was like 'I can't do this" Then?.. Lol.. Her parents knocked on her door, and I had to get dressed quick before they walked into the room, and had to pretend like I was preparing camping gear or something.. Lol.. Weird.

Its a weird place to be in. Like you have to logically hammer out all the division of asset stuff, deal with the mental death of another person, deal with some forms of denial, and force yourself to push through on the logical of reality,band even when you do deal with the denial, its not like you are happy about it, coming from a position of strength. It is just something that we have to reluctantly do. Then the hassle of the pushback, the negotiating, the emails. It all feels so wrong, petty, and defensive. I've been naively avoiding getting my ducks in a row, because of pain avoidance, looking for any pleasurable distractions, and just wasting for critical time. Then there's the conflict of personal principles and values and logic, vs. emotions, past, and memories which causes me to flip flop a lot in my head a lot.

Last night I realized just how miserable I am, that I am not myself anymore, and haven't been for 10 months. I am miserable around the person I call my W in my own home. We don't talk, and we don't have any desire to. Sometimes I start to imagine a single independent life of being on my own, and as painful as that is, it looks more appealing than dragging things out like this. Occaisionally I get a glimpse of my old self when I go out at GAL, or put some tunes on the jukebox that I love, or hangout alone with S1. Just more growing pains I guess? But? All of this is strengthing my character, and definately growing me as a single father. My W keeps wanting to "play family" as a good co parent by inviting me to select occaision, but I'm just not having it. I've tried going out for ice cream, and the drive inn over the last 10 months, and the experience isn't that great because she wants out, but wants to remain co-parents and "friends" I just think the whole thing is stupid. Friends don't divide and split assets, and take quasi legal action against one another IMO. With friends like that? Who needs enemies? But it is a reality that these things do need to be address and dealt with in a non vindictive manner. Sorry to blow up your thread, hope this relates.

Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: IHCLACS] #2856032
07/07/19 03:32 PM
07/07/19 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Last night I realized just how miserable I am, that I am not myself anymore, and haven't been for 10 months. I am miserable around the person I call my W in my own home. We don't talk, and we don't have any desire to. Sometimes I start to imagine a single independent life of being on my own, and as painful as that is, it looks more appealing than dragging things out like this. Occaisionally I get a glimpse of my old self when I go out at GAL, or put some tunes on the jukebox that I love, or hangout alone with S1. Just more growing pains I guess? But? All of this is strengthing my character, and definately growing me as a single father. My W keeps wanting to "play family" as a good co parent by inviting me to select occaision, but I'm just not having it. I've tried going out for ice cream, and the drive inn over the last 10 months, and the experience isn't that great because she wants out, but wants to remain co-parents and "friends" I just think the whole thing is stupid. Friends don't divide and split assets, and take quasi legal action against one another IMO. With friends like that? Who needs enemies? But it is a reality that these things do need to be address and dealt with in a non vindictive manner. Sorry to blow up your thread, hope this relates.


Screw that!

She doesn’t need to be your friend

Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: IHCLACS] #2856077
07/07/19 10:08 PM
07/07/19 10:08 PM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Originally Posted by IHCLACS

Last night I realized just how miserable I am, that I am not myself anymore, and haven't been for 10 months. I am miserable around the person I call my W in my own home. We don't talk, and we don't have any desire to. Sometimes I start to imagine a single independent life of being on my own, and as painful as that is, it looks more appealing than dragging things out like this. Occaisionally I get a glimpse of my old self when I go out at GAL, or put some tunes on the jukebox that I love, or hangout alone with S1. Just more growing pains I guess? But? All of this is strengthing my character, and definately growing me as a single father. My W keeps wanting to "play family" as a good co parent by inviting me to select occaision, but I'm just not having it. I've tried going out for ice cream, and the drive inn over the last 10 months, and the experience isn't that great because she wants out, but wants to remain co-parents and "friends" I just think the whole thing is stupid. Friends don't divide and split assets, and take quasi legal action against one another IMO. With friends like that? Who needs enemies? But it is a reality that these things do need to be address and dealt with in a non vindictive manner. Sorry to blow up your thread, hope this relates.

All very well written IHCLACS and can definitely relate. I feel almost as if that's part of the reason I'm becoming more aggressive with my push on the division of assets. As if it's a way for me to push that part of her away from me in a sense. I feel almost as if being the nice guy and trying to be reasonable was just me trying to hold onto something that wasn't there and I'm coming to the realization of that. The emails have just gotten worse and worse, but I'm maintaining a professional manner in them all while standing up for myself. I let her walk all over me with her affair and make me feel like the bad guy, when in reality I was not the one who strayed. I did all I could without pressuring her but she's the one that chose to do this to me, and it's something that I don't deserve.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2857929
07/21/19 10:24 AM
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Posts: 122
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It's been a few weeks since I last posted. I have been crazy busy. Work is really busy right now so I'm eating up whatever overtime they are offering at the moment. I've also been trying to get out some when I am not working. Took my mom to a water park and spent the day with her for her birthday which was fun. It was nice to enjoy a water park with this crazy hot summer we've been having.

As for the stbxw not a lot has changed, besides her getting a new email address... Using my last name in it, was a little confusing and shes also back on Facebook after deleting her account when I discovered the affair.

I also had a meeting with another lawyer and will be retaining her this upcoming week. We are going to try drafting up a settlement offer using the last offer I gave her and send it to her from her office. maybe that will let her know that I am serious??? I told the attorney that if she can't agree to this and wants to go to litigation which will cost me more than I am going to go after everything I can. So I am still giving her one more opportunity to walk away easy. Once she gets the offer she'll have 10 days to respond. But that's where I'm at with that.

My friend that I'm staying with has told me I can stay as long as needed and to try and get through the D first before trying to move out. Which is probably a good idea so I don't end up struggling with paying the attorney, court costs, and my living expenses.

Also some of her family has been a little chatty with me as of lately, ones that Im very sure know what's going on and they keep referring me as their family without mentioning the current situation which is a little weird.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2860269
08/06/19 09:58 AM
08/06/19 09:58 AM
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Posts: 122
Florida
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mikeyb Offline OP
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I got a good update for everybody.

My 401k loan is paid off, I have a 15 day waiting period and I can initiate another one. This will allow me to do everything that I need to do. So come the end of the month I'll be looking for my own place. Also, it's now been almost 2 weeks since I have quit smoking. I've also been getting out more and playing disc golf every weekend with some friends and our group is getting bigger. Been lots of fun playing. Also I've been starting up my own little side business making decals which has been going pretty well also.

As for the W I haven't heard anything from her and I'll be hiring the attorney and filing once I get my 401k loan. Ready for this to be behind me and move forward.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2860275
08/06/19 10:42 AM
08/06/19 10:42 AM
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Posts: 6,501
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Ready2Change Offline
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thanks for the updates.

I wish you well.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2860309
08/06/19 01:50 PM
08/06/19 01:50 PM
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Great update Mikey, sounds like you're really getting a handle on things! Well done!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2861424
08/14/19 11:02 PM
08/14/19 11:02 PM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Hey everyone!

Just wanted to stop by and provide a little post. I've been doing absolutely great the last few weeks. Having NC with the W has been a blessing haha. Next week I'll be getting my 401K loan and finding a place, as well as hiring my attorney and starting the D process. I am no longer waiting on the W to do anything, done with the back and forth games. Also, next week the wedding loan will finally be paid off which thankfully the W has been continuing to pay half of. So one less bill!

I've been having a blast playing disc golf and am starting to make it a more prominent hobby. I plan to go out a few times this weekend and play. Work has been going well, staying busy so that's a plus. Was working lots of OT for a few weeks.

Also, next month a group of friends and I are planning a weekend trip to the east coast of FL for a concert and some beach time. We're planning to get an airbnb for the weekend and just have a great time. I'm really excited for this and can't wait.

I'll be sure to keep everyone in the loop on progress as the D gets filed and me moving into my own place. Things seem to be going right on track to my plan as I wanted to move out on my own right around this time.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2861479
08/15/19 02:55 PM
08/15/19 02:55 PM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Not sure why my post from yesterday isn't showing up, but says that I did post hmmmm. I'll type it back up and try again tonight.

Edit: seems I needed to post this to get it to show, weird...

Last edited by mikeyb; 08/15/19 02:55 PM.

M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2861491
08/15/19 03:56 PM
08/15/19 03:56 PM
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Hey Mikey,

nice to hear from you. I hope you've given yourself enough time and space to be sure of your decision. I wish the best for you though no matter what you do.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2861495
08/15/19 04:07 PM
08/15/19 04:07 PM
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AnotherStander Offline
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Good job on keeping the focus on you and your GAL Mikey!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: ovrrnbw] #2861711
08/17/19 03:38 AM
08/17/19 03:38 AM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Hey Mikey,

nice to hear from you. I hope you've given yourself enough time and space to be sure of your decision. I wish the best for you though no matter what you do.

Thanks ovrrnbw, I'm pretty much 100% on my decision. The more I've been on my own and had time for me to work through and get past all my emotions, the more I look back at her and just see her as this disgusting person for even putting me through it to begin with. She is no longer the woman I fell in love with and married, and is not someone I want involved in my life when I know I deserve better than that. It honestly sickens me to think that right up until BD I was trying to have a child with her.

Yes, I've had my faults but I am man enough to admit to them, and own them from day one and have been doing great at working on them. Mostly financial, in which I have set myself a strict timeline and budget and am moving along nicely right on track. And for that, I am extremely proud of myself. My life has mostly changed for the better since BD and it just took me some time to realize it.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2862919
08/26/19 09:56 PM
08/26/19 09:56 PM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Things are moving along nicely for me. I went and looked at a place this morning, liked it and applied. Then went on to the lawyers office and paid the retainer to get that process rolling. On the way back from there I stopped off and played a round of 20 hole disc golf. Came home and sent off my paystubs for the rental application and then an hour later I got a response back that I'm approved and will be signing the lease first thing tomorrow morning!

Super excited to be in my own place and bring my dogs home!!!!


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2862951
08/27/19 03:23 AM
08/27/19 03:23 AM
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Posts: 6,501
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Ready2Change Offline
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Glad to hear. Having your own place will be nice.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2864113
09/04/19 10:32 PM
09/04/19 10:32 PM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Whew, what a busy week it's been! Moved into my place on Saturday during the day. Then went out with some friends for some drinks and bowling, then pool, then darts haha. Had an absolute blast, although apparently I suck at darts :p

Woke up the next day and went to bring my dogs home. It's been great having them back, and they are loving the place. They're also behaving so well that I haven't had to crate my bigger dog like I used to while I'm at work. It's been an absolute delight. Really am glad to have them back, missed them so much. Although my parents spoiled the crap outta them while they were taking care of them.

Still have more unpacking to do but getting there. Also have a meeting on Monday with the lawyer to see how we are going to go about things. Overall though, feeling great about how things have been going and the progress I've made over the last 8 months!


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2864137
09/05/19 04:57 AM
09/05/19 04:57 AM
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Glad to hear. Much better arrangement.


Are you familiar with "Clicker training" for your dogs? It is amazing. Works with any age dogs.

I showed my kids how it worked. I worked on both dogs to hold eye contact. Less than 30 minutes. Now they both just stare me down.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: Ready2Change] #2865350
09/15/19 04:31 AM
09/15/19 04:31 AM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change


Glad to hear. Much better arrangement.


Are you familiar with "Clicker training" for your dogs? It is amazing. Works with any age dogs.

I showed my kids how it worked. I worked on both dogs to hold eye contact. Less than 30 minutes. Now they both just stare me down.

I am familiar with it but haven't tried it. Might need to with my bigger dog. He doesn't like to listen very well. He's one of the "SQUIRREL!!!!" Types lol. My little one she listens pretty well for the most part.

As for the latest, things have been going great. I'm all settled into my place, spent the day today doing some yard work making the outside look good. Pressure washing, mowing etc.

Also had my meeting with the lawyer last Monday and she's getting my paperwork ready to send to the STBXW. Ready to get this part over with. Although I'm moving myself forward as if it's already done.

I've also decided to somewhat put myself back out there. I've been talking with a couple woman the last few days and may be arranging a date in the near future. Feeling pretty good about it 😊

Monday I'll be going kayaking down the river for some volunteer river clean up through my work. I've done this in the past and it's lots of fun. One year I had the best haul by bring in an engine block that someone dumped in the river.

Can't wait for Friday, myself and 5 friends are heading to the east coast for a concert and have rented a pool house for the night. It's gonna be a fun night, then head to the beach the following day before driving home.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2865442
09/16/19 05:42 AM
09/16/19 05:42 AM
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Posts: 1,977
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Thanks for the update, always good to read that. Have you been progressing financially as well?


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2865467
09/16/19 01:09 PM
09/16/19 01:09 PM
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SoTorn Offline
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Keep up that GAL. It helps immensly. I also got to the point where I did not want my EXWW back. Her PA was a dealbreaker. It hurt, don't get me wrong. However, I am doing much better now after D.

Its all a negotiation regarding the Marriage Settlement. My EXWW went and got an attorney immediately once she realized that she would owe me some big bucks. We settled out of court and filed together in the end.

I could have went after stocks, 401K etc. I would have ended up about $50K+ in the green if I did that. However, I negotiated with her to avoid court. I even have a free attorney through work, so my attorney would have been paid for. I settled for about half of what I could have received if we had gone to court. I got 50% custody and exactly what I needed financially to move forward and move out. This is the first time in 20 years I have not owned a home. But its good not to have so much debt. Now I just have my car and a little bit of credit card debt (Hiring a private investigator to catch your WW cheating is expensive, but worth it)

Don't drag it out. Treat it all as a business transaction moving forward. Its a contract negotiation. You both will not get exactly what you want. But you both will end up content with what you do get. Don't be petty, its pointless and drags things out. If you have to go to court then so be it. Make sure she is aware that you have zero issues going in front of a judge. She will threaten you with her attorney. Who cares, legally you are entitled to half of everything.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: SoTorn] #2865651
09/18/19 03:28 AM
09/18/19 03:28 AM
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Posts: 122
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Thanks for the update, always good to read that. Have you been progressing financially as well?

Yes, financially I have been in a much better state. I have some money stashed away and am almost a month ahead on my bills. Very proud of myself for that. The stbxw has made her final payment on the wedding loan so that is settled. All that's left is this bill she's trying to stiff me with.
Originally Posted by SoTorn
Keep up that GAL. It helps immensly. I also got to the point where I did not want my EXWW back. Her PA was a dealbreaker. It hurt, don't get me wrong. However, I am doing much better now after D.

Its all a negotiation regarding the Marriage Settlement. My EXWW went and got an attorney immediately once she realized that she would owe me some big bucks. We settled out of court and filed together in the end.

I could have went after stocks, 401K etc. I would have ended up about $50K+ in the green if I did that. However, I negotiated with her to avoid court. I even have a free attorney through work, so my attorney would have been paid for. I settled for about half of what I could have received if we had gone to court. I got 50% custody and exactly what I needed financially to move forward and move out. This is the first time in 20 years I have not owned a home. But its good not to have so much debt. Now I just have my car and a little bit of credit card debt (Hiring a private investigator to catch your WW cheating is expensive, but worth it)

Don't drag it out. Treat it all as a business transaction moving forward. Its a contract negotiation. You both will not get exactly what you want. But you both will end up content with what you do get. Don't be petty, its pointless and drags things out. If you have to go to court then so be it. Make sure she is aware that you have zero issues going in front of a judge. She will threaten you with her attorney. Who cares, legally you are entitled to half of everything.


Agreed, I'm trying not to be petty but she has caused me to be out of pocket over $2k so far from this, and I intend to recoup some of that and am not trying to drag it out either, there really is very little that I want from her and she knows what I can get. If she's tries to drag this to the judge then I will go for it all and I've made that clear. So we shall see. Want it done already, especially cuz of my next set of news....

Soooooo, I've been talking with this woman for a little over a week now daily. Conversation has been great, so today I went out on a limb and asked her to go out on Sunday and she agreed. I'm honestly super nervous, it's been 13 years since I've done this but I'm really excited about it too and don't really want to mess it up because she seems amazing. Might just be the excitement making me nervous lol. Gonna try and enjoy my trip on friday-saturday and hopefully calm myself down some before sunday.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2865661
09/18/19 10:15 AM
09/18/19 10:15 AM
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DS9 Offline
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Good stuff mate hope your date goes well! You deserve it after all you’ve been through


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2865671
09/18/19 12:14 PM
09/18/19 12:14 PM
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Mikey, nice job getting your finances in order! Good luck on the date, it's normal to be nervous after not having dated for so long, just try to relax and enjoy it!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2865912
09/20/19 02:06 PM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Thanks everyone! Getting ready to drive 3 hours for this concert and have a good time. I'll be sure to post back how the weekend goes 😁


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2865913
09/20/19 02:42 PM
09/20/19 02:42 PM
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That’s a good GAL Mikey. Keep it coming!

Great!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2866112
09/22/19 10:22 PM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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So the weekend was great for the most part. The concert was an absolute blast, the house we stayed in was amazing we all had so much fun. Spent the next day at the beach all in all our trip was a blast.

So onto my date, she messaged me this morning to see if we could meet later in the day. We were supposed to get together around noon. So we moved it to 5, no biggie. Well as I was about to leave she messaged me again to cancel. Saying it has been a while since she's gone out with anyone and didn't think she was ready. I had responded saying I understand and no need to apologise and that I would like to keep talking to her. She responded again relieved and that she would love to keep talking.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2866114
09/22/19 11:26 PM
09/22/19 11:26 PM
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Good on you for having such a great weekend mate!

Sry to hear about the date issue. Its seems these days its all too common to have these last minute cancellations. It's just all too easy to do this with sms, internet etc.

Keep talking to this lady, and keep it light, funny and upbeat til you angle in for another actual date invitation. Go for the dinner at a nice restaurant Mikey. Good luck!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: DS9] #2866248
09/24/19 02:21 AM
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DS9
Good on you for having such a great weekend mate!

Sry to hear about the date issue. Its seems these days its all too common to have these last minute cancellations. It's just all too easy to do this with sms, internet etc.

Keep talking to this lady, and keep it light, funny and upbeat til you angle in for another actual date invitation. Go for the dinner at a nice restaurant Mikey. Good luck!


Thanks, and we were able to move on pretty easily from the cancellation like it didn't happen and keep things going which is good. Was a little worried that it might get awkward but I kept things funny and it hasn't even come up beyond the initial messages about it and it's been great so I'll keep things going and see where it goes.

Also stopped by the lawyer's office today, they've got my petition ready just needs to be reviewed by the lawyer handling my case and then it'll be filed with the court most likely this week.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2866258
09/24/19 04:30 AM
09/24/19 04:30 AM
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Posts: 189
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DS9 Offline
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That's a great result with the lady Mikey - good work mate!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2866466
09/25/19 10:19 PM
09/25/19 10:19 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 122
Florida
M
mikeyb Offline OP
Member
mikeyb  Offline OP
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 122
Florida
Just journaling a bit, but I'm amazed at how much I have changed over the last 10 months. Going from being miserable, terrible with finances, lost and confused to now happy as can be, doing very well with the finances, and knowing exactly what direction and where I want to go. I know I wasn't as active on here as some others going through the same as I spent so much energy on myself but i make it a point to check in and do some regular reading because this place has really helped me with this complete transformation. My personallity has changed for the better and I like where things are going, I still have more work to do but my life has greatly improved since the first few months after BD.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2866469
09/25/19 11:29 PM
09/25/19 11:29 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,431
Colorado
T
Thornton Offline
Member
Thornton  Offline
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T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,431
Colorado
Nice work, Mikey! You are an inspiration!


Me 43
He 43
D: 18
D: 12
T: 8 years

Bomb 5/10/2014
Back 7/7/2014

Bomb 2 1/28/2016
Back: 5/2016

Bomb 3 4/3/2017
She moved away with SD: 5/27/2017
Back: 8/1/2018

Bomb 4 9/11/2019
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2866503
09/26/19 04:01 PM
09/26/19 04:01 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
Great update Mikey! Congrats on building a new life for yourself and on all the improvements!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2866566
09/27/19 12:42 PM
09/27/19 12:42 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,909
N
neffer Offline
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neffer  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,909
Good to read man. Keep doing what works Mikey!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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