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A Message from Michele
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Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2855890
07/05/19 09:23 PM
07/05/19 09:23 PM
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Posts: 6,511
Colorado
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Quote

Mom said she was trying to call you to set up a meeting to give you back your stuff and to sign the papers. But you never answered. So when do you want to meet up so i can give you back your stuff? And do you want to go to the bank a sign the paper work still or no? You said you weren't after my money but i knew that was a lie. The phone bill should not be 50% because i should not be paying for your phone, my phone, and your mom's phone. I would like to see how much my phone is? And were is my phone that i paying for? If i am paying for the phone i want it back. And you took money out of my 401k that i am still paying back. But when do want your stuff back and where do you want to meet up?


This is how I deal with these type of emails. Ignore the strikeouts. Answer the bold.

Quote

Perfect. The earliest I can meet you is tomorrow around 3pm. If that doesn't work, let me know a time that does. Does either Starbucks or McDonald work for you?

I will get you a copy of the phone bill for your review.


How much more do we owe on the 401K?


Regards,

MyFirstname




"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2855892
07/05/19 09:30 PM
07/05/19 09:30 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,511
Colorado
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I wouldn't quibble over the money. Get a 2nd job for a few months easily covers the money.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2856010
07/07/19 11:54 AM
07/07/19 11:54 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 122
Florida
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mikeyb Offline OP
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So gonna be honest, these last few days have been extremely harsh on me. In general day to day I'm doing good. But for some reason the last few nights I've been dreaming about her and coming back.

The only things I can think of is the fact that the 4th of July would have been 13 years since we got together, or it's the fact that I am now actively pursuing D and it's becoming more of a reality.

I've been waking up before I should be with her fresh in my mind and the feeling that the dreams were real. Once I fully wake up though I'm fine and it doesn't phase me the rest of the day. Except when I was going through all my photos on my Google photos and seeing so many good times, I moved all of them to an album out of plain sight so I wouldn't easily see them again. But yeah, the last few days have kinda sucked.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2856017
07/07/19 01:24 PM
07/07/19 01:24 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 717
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IHCLACS Online
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Originally Posted by mikeyb
So gonna be honest, these last few days have been extremely harsh on me. In general day to day I'm doing good. But for some reason the last few nights I've been dreaming about her and coming back.

The only things I can think of is the fact that the 4th of July would have been 13 years since we got together, or it's the fact that I am now actively pursuing D and it's becoming more of a reality.

I've been waking up before I should be with her fresh in my mind and the feeling that the dreams were real. Once I fully wake up though I'm fine and it doesn't phase me the rest of the day. Except when I was going through all my photos on my Google photos and seeing so many good times, I moved all of them to an album out of plain sight so I wouldn't easily see them again. But yeah, the last few days have kinda sucked.


I feel ya Mikey. We all have those dreams. I've had a lot of dreams about past ex's before while still married for 10 years too before BD. Some were about me always revisiting ex's at parents house, and we made up, and it felt good, but not right. Others were about getting back together with ex's at old apt. From 20 years ago, and meeting the person I was cheated on with. Sometimes its people that came into our lives, then came out of it. Sometimes its strangers, distant or estranged relatives, and deceased loved ones. Sometimes the emotional effects last anywhere between 5 and 30 minutes after waking. We have a tendency to search for meaning in it. But it really doesnt mean much. Its fruitless. Its just the subconscious mind looking for closure and wanting to make peace with things. The funny odd thing is? At least for me and my experiences is. I hardly if ever, dreamt of that person while sleeping right next to them. Maybe on seldom occaision. But once they were gone, or emotionally gone, I would dream of reconciling with them occasionally, only to wake up, and snap back to reality. Upon waking to reality, its a mixture of sadness, and soberness, like this is where I am and this is my current reality.

I had a really funny dream this morning unrelated to W but a tie in to my family. I was sleeping with, and putting the moves on a girl in her mid to late 20's that I picked up in a bar. Someone that I would never consider dating, or had any compatibility with. But it was nice to get some temporary attention. I was putting the moves on her, then I look up, and I see pictures of my family, and my memories of S1 and W were all up on her wall surrounding her bed. I stopped and was like 'I can't do this" Then?.. Lol.. Her parents knocked on her door, and I had to get dressed quick before they walked into the room, and had to pretend like I was preparing camping gear or something.. Lol.. Weird.

Its a weird place to be in. Like you have to logically hammer out all the division of asset stuff, deal with the mental death of another person, deal with some forms of denial, and force yourself to push through on the logical of reality,band even when you do deal with the denial, its not like you are happy about it, coming from a position of strength. It is just something that we have to reluctantly do. Then the hassle of the pushback, the negotiating, the emails. It all feels so wrong, petty, and defensive. I've been naively avoiding getting my ducks in a row, because of pain avoidance, looking for any pleasurable distractions, and just wasting for critical time. Then there's the conflict of personal principles and values and logic, vs. emotions, past, and memories which causes me to flip flop a lot in my head a lot.

Last night I realized just how miserable I am, that I am not myself anymore, and haven't been for 10 months. I am miserable around the person I call my W in my own home. We don't talk, and we don't have any desire to. Sometimes I start to imagine a single independent life of being on my own, and as painful as that is, it looks more appealing than dragging things out like this. Occaisionally I get a glimpse of my old self when I go out at GAL, or put some tunes on the jukebox that I love, or hangout alone with S1. Just more growing pains I guess? But? All of this is strengthing my character, and definately growing me as a single father. My W keeps wanting to "play family" as a good co parent by inviting me to select occaision, but I'm just not having it. I've tried going out for ice cream, and the drive inn over the last 10 months, and the experience isn't that great because she wants out, but wants to remain co-parents and "friends" I just think the whole thing is stupid. Friends don't divide and split assets, and take quasi legal action against one another IMO. With friends like that? Who needs enemies? But it is a reality that these things do need to be address and dealt with in a non vindictive manner. Sorry to blow up your thread, hope this relates.

Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: IHCLACS] #2856032
07/07/19 03:32 PM
07/07/19 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Last night I realized just how miserable I am, that I am not myself anymore, and haven't been for 10 months. I am miserable around the person I call my W in my own home. We don't talk, and we don't have any desire to. Sometimes I start to imagine a single independent life of being on my own, and as painful as that is, it looks more appealing than dragging things out like this. Occaisionally I get a glimpse of my old self when I go out at GAL, or put some tunes on the jukebox that I love, or hangout alone with S1. Just more growing pains I guess? But? All of this is strengthing my character, and definately growing me as a single father. My W keeps wanting to "play family" as a good co parent by inviting me to select occaision, but I'm just not having it. I've tried going out for ice cream, and the drive inn over the last 10 months, and the experience isn't that great because she wants out, but wants to remain co-parents and "friends" I just think the whole thing is stupid. Friends don't divide and split assets, and take quasi legal action against one another IMO. With friends like that? Who needs enemies? But it is a reality that these things do need to be address and dealt with in a non vindictive manner. Sorry to blow up your thread, hope this relates.


Screw that!

She doesn’t need to be your friend

Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: IHCLACS] #2856077
07/07/19 10:08 PM
07/07/19 10:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 122
Florida
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Originally Posted by IHCLACS

Last night I realized just how miserable I am, that I am not myself anymore, and haven't been for 10 months. I am miserable around the person I call my W in my own home. We don't talk, and we don't have any desire to. Sometimes I start to imagine a single independent life of being on my own, and as painful as that is, it looks more appealing than dragging things out like this. Occaisionally I get a glimpse of my old self when I go out at GAL, or put some tunes on the jukebox that I love, or hangout alone with S1. Just more growing pains I guess? But? All of this is strengthing my character, and definately growing me as a single father. My W keeps wanting to "play family" as a good co parent by inviting me to select occaision, but I'm just not having it. I've tried going out for ice cream, and the drive inn over the last 10 months, and the experience isn't that great because she wants out, but wants to remain co-parents and "friends" I just think the whole thing is stupid. Friends don't divide and split assets, and take quasi legal action against one another IMO. With friends like that? Who needs enemies? But it is a reality that these things do need to be address and dealt with in a non vindictive manner. Sorry to blow up your thread, hope this relates.

All very well written IHCLACS and can definitely relate. I feel almost as if that's part of the reason I'm becoming more aggressive with my push on the division of assets. As if it's a way for me to push that part of her away from me in a sense. I feel almost as if being the nice guy and trying to be reasonable was just me trying to hold onto something that wasn't there and I'm coming to the realization of that. The emails have just gotten worse and worse, but I'm maintaining a professional manner in them all while standing up for myself. I let her walk all over me with her affair and make me feel like the bad guy, when in reality I was not the one who strayed. I did all I could without pressuring her but she's the one that chose to do this to me, and it's something that I don't deserve.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2857929
07/21/19 10:24 AM
07/21/19 10:24 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 122
Florida
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mikeyb Offline OP
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It's been a few weeks since I last posted. I have been crazy busy. Work is really busy right now so I'm eating up whatever overtime they are offering at the moment. I've also been trying to get out some when I am not working. Took my mom to a water park and spent the day with her for her birthday which was fun. It was nice to enjoy a water park with this crazy hot summer we've been having.

As for the stbxw not a lot has changed, besides her getting a new email address... Using my last name in it, was a little confusing and shes also back on Facebook after deleting her account when I discovered the affair.

I also had a meeting with another lawyer and will be retaining her this upcoming week. We are going to try drafting up a settlement offer using the last offer I gave her and send it to her from her office. maybe that will let her know that I am serious??? I told the attorney that if she can't agree to this and wants to go to litigation which will cost me more than I am going to go after everything I can. So I am still giving her one more opportunity to walk away easy. Once she gets the offer she'll have 10 days to respond. But that's where I'm at with that.

My friend that I'm staying with has told me I can stay as long as needed and to try and get through the D first before trying to move out. Which is probably a good idea so I don't end up struggling with paying the attorney, court costs, and my living expenses.

Also some of her family has been a little chatty with me as of lately, ones that Im very sure know what's going on and they keep referring me as their family without mentioning the current situation which is a little weird.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2860269
08/06/19 09:58 AM
08/06/19 09:58 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 122
Florida
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mikeyb Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 122
Florida
I got a good update for everybody.

My 401k loan is paid off, I have a 15 day waiting period and I can initiate another one. This will allow me to do everything that I need to do. So come the end of the month I'll be looking for my own place. Also, it's now been almost 2 weeks since I have quit smoking. I've also been getting out more and playing disc golf every weekend with some friends and our group is getting bigger. Been lots of fun playing. Also I've been starting up my own little side business making decals which has been going pretty well also.

As for the W I haven't heard anything from her and I'll be hiring the attorney and filing once I get my 401k loan. Ready for this to be behind me and move forward.


M(31) W(29)
Together 12yrs
Married 2yrs
ILYBNILWY/Divorce BD 11/23/18
EA Discovered 3/20/19

In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19
W Moved out 3/20/19
M Moved out 5/31/19
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2860275
08/06/19 10:42 AM
08/06/19 10:42 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,511
Colorado
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thanks for the updates.

I wish you well.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Focusing on me (The Mikey B story Part 3) [Re: mikeyb] #2860309
08/06/19 01:50 PM
08/06/19 01:50 PM
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Posts: 7,308
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Great update Mikey, sounds like you're really getting a handle on things! Well done!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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