You know I went through a lot of this same train of thought. Why would I want to stay with her? Am I just in love with the thought of what used to be?
Its really hard to say. I have lots of reasons to want to stay, but since she is a different person, I have to get to know that person before I can choose that. I may not have to opportunity if she doesn't want to be with me at some point in the future.
I can still see potential; all is not lost. I may never realize that potential with her, but I am in a holding pattern with her right now. I think she is waiting to see if my attitude change is a real thing or if I am just faking it for a bit. Truth be told I am faking it some days. But I am faking it less than I am making it now. Its taken a while. She has stopped pushing for D in the time being.
I see these changes within myself, and I think that if we both were willing to put in this kind of revolutionary effort of change and self improvement instead of all the effort we are putting into blowing everything up and leaving a giant wake of destruction behind that we would have a better M than 99% of all folks out there. Which would be pretty dam good!
You will swing back the other way U. Don't make any rash decisions, keep DBing, and let some more time pass.
I think I am nearing your position LB. I am in the darkest of days right now.
Any other H would have filed by now in my shoes. But there is something, i dont know what exactly, call it a gut feeling? that tells me i would be doing something wrong.
I can't explain it. I am detached to the point where it isn't clingy or needy. But it's this weird sensation that everything is just..."not right", or "off". I wish I had better words to describe it.
In the meantime I stay out of the way, stay off the radar. Maybe I'm wrong but that's the only move I have left. Maybe you too, U - let her figure out her stuff. As long as it takes.
I’d be much happier letting her work things out in her own time if she wasn’t simultaneously asking for “safety plans” when I watch my own kids. I distrust her.
It doesn't sound like your wife is ready for MC, and it sounds like because of the laws in your area and the way it might work for you later on, MC where she wants to focus on an incident of minor unwise parenting and her fears about future 'abuse' isn't legally wise for you nor constructive in terms of the relationship.
Easy for me to say, but it looks to me like the best thing to do would be to call an end to MC. I think it only works when both parties are committed to communicating in constructive ways and have already done some of the work of soothing their emotions, looking inside, taking responsibility and figuring out what changes they want to make to themselves. It sounds like you've been engaged in that process but she hasn't.
Like many others here, your number one problem is you don't follow the advice on here. We told you not to attend MC and you didn't listen. We told you not to move out and it looks like that's what you are going to do.
There is absolutely nothing you can do right not to improve your marriage. All you can do right now is improve yourself and your relationship with your kids.
It's time to start taking advice from people who have seen these scenarios play out 100s of times.
It doesn't sound like your wife is ready for MC, and it sounds like because of the laws in your area and the way it might work for you later on, MC where she wants to focus on an incident of minor unwise parenting and her fears about future 'abuse' isn't legally wise for you nor constructive in terms of the relationship.
Easy for me to say, but it looks to me like the best thing to do would be to call an end to MC. I think it only works when both parties are committed to communicating in constructive ways and have already done some of the work of soothing their emotions, looking inside, taking responsibility and figuring out what changes they want to make to themselves. It sounds like you've been engaged in that process but she hasn't.
I agree. MC with a partner unwilling to work on the M may actually hurt you and your kids. You are going to do what you feel is right, but please tread carefully.
Originally Posted by LH19
There is absolutely nothing you can do right not to improve your marriage. All you can do right now is improve yourself and your relationship with your kids.
Well I’m willing to listen and I appreciate as much help as I can get!
Originally Posted by LH19
U,
Like many others here, your number one problem is you don't follow the advice on here. We told you not to attend MC and you didn't listen. We told you not to move out and it looks like that's what you are going to do.
There is absolutely nothing you can do right not to improve your marriage. All you can do right now is improve yourself and your relationship with your kids.
It's time to start taking advice from people who have seen these scenarios play out 100s of times.
I don't think people really understand how long this is going to take. Eventually you will get tired of being in limbo. Eventually you will heal and get your confidence back and will start to wonder why you wasted so much time and emotional energy pining away for someone that has no desire to be with you. I have really only seen two types of situations where they got resolved rather quickly.
1. Wife having an affair, husband catches her, tells her she needs to leave the house. She is scared out of her mind and wants to stay. They start to work on their MR.
2. Wife says she wants a D, husband says ok lets do it. Wife was just scared, really didn't mean it and changes her mind. They start to work on their MR.
I have not seen one scenario were Wife moves out, gets her own place, they tell the kids and 4 months later Wife just wakes up and says Daddy I am coming home!! Or where husband moves out and 4 months later Wife calls him up and says "please come home"!
In everyone of those scenarios Wife goes off the rails, starts dating, living the single life and very quickly forgets about her H and the marriage. She is going to experience OM and you will need to experience OW. If the both of you make it through that stage of dating others and realize that you both still love each other then that is when you will have a chance. The situation and both of your timetables has to align themselves almost perfectly. The catch is that you can't sit around and wait either. You have to move forward, live your life and let it organically happen as it is meant to be.
I don't think people really understand how long this is going to take. Eventually you will get tired of being in limbo. Eventually you will heal and get your confidence back and will start to wonder why you wasted so much time and emotional energy pining away for someone that has no desire to be with you. I have really only seen two types of situations where they got resolved rather quickly.
1. Wife having an affair, husband catches her, tells her she needs to leave the house. She is scared out of her mind and wants to stay. They start to work on their MR.
2. Wife says she wants a D, husband says ok lets do it. Wife was just scared, really didn't mean it and changes her mind. They start to work on their MR.
I have not seen one scenario were Wife moves out, gets her own place, they tell the kids and 4 months later Wife just wakes up and says Daddy I am coming home!! Or where husband moves out and 4 months later Wife calls him up and says "please come home"!
In everyone of those scenarios Wife goes off the rails, starts dating, living the single life and very quickly forgets about her H and the marriage. She is going to experience OM and you will need to experience OW. If the both of you make it through that stage of dating others and realize that you both still love each other then that is when you will have a chance. The situation and both of your timetables has to align themselves almost perfectly. The catch is that you can't sit around and wait either. You have to move forward, live your life and let it organically happen as it is meant to be.
TBSakaJ9 - All of these scenarios require the W to "wake up" and see value in the LBS at some point.
Add to my situation that my W considers me an "unsafe" parent. This changes the dynamic in several ways:
1. I view her as a legal threat. 2. She absolves herself of any responsibility to work on the MR. 3. I feel like the R with my W is toxic and I should consider exiting limbo myself.
It also means limbo is likely to last much much longer, I agree.
So I struggle day to day when we have these little flash point flareups about spending or whatever. I struggle with wondering how long I should "stand" for something that may well be an incredibly unhealthy situation for me.
In everyone of those scenarios Wife goes off the rails, starts dating, living the single life and very quickly forgets about her H and the marriage. She is going to experience OM and you will need to experience OW. If the both of you make it through that stage of dating others and realize that you both still love each other then that is when you will have a chance. The situation and both of your timetables has to align themselves almost perfectly. The catch is that you can't sit around and wait either. You have to move forward, live your life and let it organically happen as it is meant to be.
Ugh. The very thought of any kind of "dating" again is enough to make me want to become a monk.
I struggle with wondering how long I should "stand" for something that may well be an incredibly unhealthy situation for me.
I feel that your actions are only making the situation more unhealthy. It appears that you are taking steps that help you feel in control of the situation. I feel like you are cherry picking advice that suits your narrative and ignoring what does not fit your pre-decided actions. If you read the book MWD talks about setting concrete goals that are achievable. I don't think you have clarity on what you want in terms of goals. You are moving out but don't know what the goal of your S is going to be. To me it seems like you are in fight or flight mode and are trying to escape the current unhealthy situation by moving out.
