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A Message from Michele
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Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part II [Re: DejaVu6] #2851849
06/05/19 06:28 PM
06/05/19 06:28 PM
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neffer Offline
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Yep, DjV is a DB inspiration. Great!!!


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part II [Re: DejaVu6] #2851856
06/05/19 07:56 PM
06/05/19 07:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,170
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
AS... it is super annoying, isnít it? Itís like starting a conversation with someone on the street and then, without warning, turning your back and walking away on them without so much as a ďgotta goĒ... If you did that to someone in person, chances are you wouldnít be friends for very long.


EXACTLY! It's just so incredibly disrespectful. And that is the exact word I used to describe it to my GF!

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Jackís response was... ďitís just textingĒ. That would be fine if I was going to see him every day but we only see each on weekends at this point so texting is all we have and that requires way less effort than calling, as far as I am concerned. Iím sure if I called him, Iíd get his voicemail most of the time so it would be pointless.


YES! You and I are definitely of like minds on this. It takes all of 15 seconds to bang out a text message, it's not like we're asking them to put their lives on hold. And I've made the point to her that I don't want to have an endless text convo from dawn to dusk, all I'm asking is that now and then we have a real text conversation that goes, you know, back and forth without hours transpiring inbetween, lol!

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My H disappeared from our relationship five years ago so if I were to compare anyone to him, I would have to go back to who he was about six years ago and I can barely remember that person.


I've tried explaining that to people, despite being with my XW for over 20 years it all seems very distant and hazy now, almost like it's the memories of another person.

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Seriously... he really was King Douche of Douchebag Land.


Now where did that brilliant title come from grin

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I do not miss THAT guy at all. Iím sure the current gf is getting the good version of him. Once all the newness fades and life becomes routine, she will eventually meet the version I was living with. I hope I am wrong, but Iíve learned that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. My XH has not done any work on himself or taken any hard looks in the mirror from what I can tell... he will repeat his behaviours until he does... maybe not to the epic extent that he did in our MR but he will show up again.


Unfortunately most WAS's just end up going out there and repeating the same harmful pattern with another victim. So chances are you are right. Most LBS's learn and make themselves a better companion moving forward though, so there's that smile


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part II [Re: DejaVu6] #2851891
06/06/19 01:39 AM
06/06/19 01:39 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Awww... you guys are too kind. I hope I can be an inspiration to some people on here who are struggling to believe there might be life after BD. I was one of those people for sure. I look back on some of the days and nights I spent in such unbelievable psychological pain and just shake my head. What the heck was I doing? However...it is a process and it takes as long as it takes. Sometimes, your WASís behaviour can be so outlandish that they make it a bit easier to move forward than some on here who continually toss out breadcrumbs to keep their LBSs around as Plan Bs. As hard as it was to be so totally rejected by my XH, I am grateful that once he decided he wasnít coming home, he didnít waste a lot of time questioning his choices. Maybe he will at a much later date and maybe he wonít...it no longer matters to me. I am not the same person he was married to either. I deserve much better than what he gave me and Iím not going to accept less. I hope many of the LBSs who are struggling the way I was, can also come to this conclusion and start to view this situation as an opportunity. I have many, many blessings that have arisen from what I thought was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I was wrong.

So...three days have passed since I last saw Jack and so far so good. Not only has he been good about his response time but he has also initiated conversations. Last night he sent me a text after I was sleeping. I had a busy morning and thought he would probably be sleeping anyway so I didnít reply right away. Normally he would have waited for me to respond but this morning he texted me at 10 a.m. Probably thought I was mad at him or something...lol. Anyway...clearly I matter enough to him to make an effort so Iím happy. No epically long conversations, which is not what I was after anyway, but conversations with a clear beginning, middle and end. That was all I wanted. He is going to get a BIG kiss and a thank you when I see him on the weekend. smile

Gosh...what am I doing you guys? I am really falling for him. He is so not my ďtypeĒ or someone who matches up well with me in person but we sure do have fun when we are together and I am EXTREMELY attracted to him. He brings out a silly side of me that hasnít really been around since I became a mom. I had forgotten that side of me even existed - Iíve been so serious dealing with serious things for so long. Turns out I missed her a lot. And...he is still not Mr. Forthcoming when it comes to his past but every time I see him, he opens up a bit more. Funny coincidence...when I was 18, I had a job working in a group home for mentally handicapped adults. The home was in a very large stately home across from the local movie theatre. Apparently three years later, the home shut down and they sold the house - to Jackís parents. Turns out it is the home that he grew up in...lol. They have since sold it but not until he had moved out. How cool is that? Small world, eh?

Anyway...off to pool league. Gotta run. Much love and many (((HUGS))) to you fantastic people!!!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part II [Re: DejaVu6] #2851937
06/06/19 02:11 PM
06/06/19 02:11 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,189
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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I meant to write that he is not someone who matches up with me on paper... he matches really well with me in person...lol.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part II [Re: DejaVu6] #2852036
06/06/19 09:21 PM
06/06/19 09:21 PM
Joined: Aug 2018
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FlySolo Offline
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DV - your updates are so vibrant and full of life they always make me smile to myself on the train. That exchange between you and AS re poor texting habits of today's youths nearly made me laugh out loud. You sound like two old women (but in a good way).

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I look back on some of the days and nights I spent in such unbelievable psychological pain and just shake my head. What the heck was I doing? However...it is a process and it takes as long as it takes.


There's a book I use to read to my kids called "We're going on a bear hunt". It was, strangely enough, about going on a bear hunt. Each page was a different challenge the family had to get through and each page ended with the words "You can't go over it, you can't go under it, you have to go through it". I think this process is like that. You have to go through it because if you try and take short cuts, you might still get to the other side, but a part of you will always carry the pain and the hurt and that feeling of not being good enough.

I hope you never bury that silly side of you again. I also hope that you know that you don't need a man to bring her out. She was always a part of you.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part II [Re: DejaVu6] #2852071
06/07/19 05:07 AM
06/07/19 05:07 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,189
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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(((FS))) So glad you are still hanging around. I love all these childrenís books with hidden life lessons that we only really get when we read them with our adult eyes...lol. I agree... I had to go through it. And I think it helped that my XH had really left me four years ago...by the time his physical body had left, I realized after awhile that not much was different day-to-day except I was no longer living in limbo.

Now that Iíve found my silly side again, you can bet that I will not be losing it again. That part of me is here to stay.

I am happy I am making you smile on your train ride. Iím smiling a lot these days. Especially today since it isThursday and Jack will be coming over tomorrow to spend the weekend with me. I used to like weekends but now I LOVE weekends...lol. Like I said... no longer living in limbo...feels great!! (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part II [Re: DejaVu6] #2852637
06/12/19 06:01 AM
06/12/19 06:01 AM
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Posts: 1,189
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Another update... they are all starting to feel the same...lol. Another weekend spent with Jack. We had another chat about texting and I thanked him for making the effort. I told him that I didnít need long drawn out conversations and that even if he just sent me an emoji, that would tell me that he does think of me even when Iím not in front of him. So...today at lunch...I got three emojis...lol. Totally made me laugh and also that he does listen to me. LOL...as Iím writing this, I just got three more emojis. Okay...maybe we will graduate to words at some point.

Not much happening with my XH. I donít think we are quite divorced yet as neither of us have received any paperwork saying we are even though his lawyer was filing at the beginning of May. Doesnít really matter as I know it will happen at some point soon. Weíre divorced in my mind anyway. He is gone and no longer part of my life in any real way. In my phone, his name shows up as ďkids dadĒ. Originally I changed it because his name triggered me. I donít think it would anymore but Iíve left it as kids dad as he is no one to me other than that. At least one third of my life with him was a complete lie. I donít know him anymore and, truth be told, I donít want to know him. As long as he continues to be a good dad, thatís all that matters to me.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part II [Re: DejaVu6] #2852666
06/12/19 12:08 PM
06/12/19 12:08 PM
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
So...today at lunch...I got three emojis...lol. Totally made me laugh and also that he does listen to me. LOL...as Iím writing this, I just got three more emojis. Okay...maybe we will graduate to words at some point.


Hahaha! I told my GF not to send me a text that is just an emoji, that irks me. Just comes off as lazy. So of course she still does, so I usually reply with a poop emoji hahaha! She hates that grin

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In my phone, his name shows up as ďkids dadĒ.


LOL! I had a friend who had her ex's ring tone set to "who let the dogs out" grin


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part II [Re: DejaVu6] #2852677
06/12/19 02:03 PM
06/12/19 02:03 PM
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Posts: 1,189
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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LOL!!!

AS...honestly, I donít think Jack has a whole lot to say most of the time. He really is a quiet guy and generally, if he texts me something, it is usually ďhiĒ and then he just answers my questions with few words and asks his own questions once in awhile. Lately, Iíve been trying to match him with shorter texts but it is hard because Iím not so quiet. I always have lots to say...lol.

Iím starting to get used to the weekend relationship. It does give you the opportunity to miss the other person. By the time five days go by, we are missing each other a fair amount. So when we see one another, we are both really happy. Stops you from taking the other person for granted, thatís for sure. I do look forward to the day when he lives closer (he ultimately would like to move to my town) but this is fine for now as I have lots of time to do my own thing. Youíve been doing this for four years? Does your gf have a plan to move closer at some point or do you? Or are you happy just to leave things as is for the foreseeable future?


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part II [Re: DejaVu6] #2852701
06/12/19 04:31 PM
06/12/19 04:31 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,170
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Lately, Iíve been trying to match him with shorter texts but it is hard because Iím not so quiet. I always have lots to say...lol.


Same here, are you an extrovert? Sounds like you are, I am too. It can be challenging interacting with introverts!

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Iím starting to get used to the weekend relationship. It does give you the opportunity to miss the other person. By the time five days go by, we are missing each other a fair amount. So when we see one another, we are both really happy.


I can relate!

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Youíve been doing this for four years? Does your gf have a plan to move closer at some point or do you? Or are you happy just to leave things as is for the foreseeable future?


Yes, 4-1/2 years now that I think about it. It's a long story but my GF lived much closer, then lived with me a while, then moved closer to her daughter and farther from me, then farther yet (now 35 miles away). We've talked about moving in together again but it's just been casual talk. So we just kind of continue on seeing each other about 2-3 times a month. Her dad has custody of her daughter so that's why she wants to be close to her, so she can see her more often. He's slowly let her have more time with her daughter. Plus she has a construction business with a partner and they work in the area where she lives. It's just very complicated and for now we're both just leaving things as-is. When her daughter gets a little older then she can choose to live with her mom and that would free her up to move closer. That's a couple years down the road. I really don't mind living alone, it's a big house and yard to take care of but I manage! Honestly after BD and everything I haven't been in a hurry to jump back into marriage, so this works for both of us for now although it would be nice to see each other more often.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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