I wrote a letter. XW didn't acknowledge it. It didn't help a bit. Since the letter, which was about a month after she told me she wanted a divorce and a couple of months before the divorce went final, I have DB'd like a madman.
I have the boys and the pup for the next 2 nights (she is still staying at our parents) and our little guy has a bday party next weekend in the back yard. She asks if everything including the house is going to be cleaned up and ready for the set up.
I was ready to blow my top with the way she said it but I was like I would like some help to get it ready bc I'm not sure where you would like some stuff to go and your "ready" might be different then my ready but still clean.
Then she wanted to borrow the truck to go pick up a vanity and toilet for the upstairs bathroom. I said I needed it to tow the boat to go out with our boys and I would also like to have a say in the style and look of both bathroom pieces.
I'm so ready to just say S!*!*w it i'm done but then I think of the boys and the impact it will have on their lives for ever. Told me back in February that papers were coming after all Fall hearing she didn't know what she wanted and then a month ago not to think it was fixable bc it was over and two weeks ago there would be no reconciling. All to which I just stayed chill
What else can I do? I feel like giving her her space and time is all I can do and be the best me and GAL'ing.
Told me back in February that papers were coming after all Fall hearing she didn't know what she wanted and then a month ago not to think it was fixable bc it was over and two weeks ago there would be no reconciling. All to which I just stayed chill
What else can I do? I feel like giving her her space and time is all I can do and be the best me and GAL'ing.
Thoughts? Encouragment? PLEASE!
That's all you can do... and work on letting go of the rope. Try to be at peace no matter what the outcome of your MR.
Unfortunately, the only person you can control is you. There is no way to make her do anything. She is going to do what she wants. Your job is to work on you. Not to get her back though. You do it so that no matter what she decides, you will be okay in the end. And if you do end up divorcing, you will be a better partner for the next person who comes along.
I so remember feeling the way you are feeling Jimmy. I was in agony over the unfairness of it and the suddenness of it and the fact that I basically got no say. I did not get married to get divorced. I most certainly did not have children with my H so I could be a 50% parent. At some point, though, I had to accept it and reimagine my life.
I worried incessantly about my kids not having the two-parent home the way I did growing up. Does it still bother me? You bet. They deserve better. The good news is that they have adjusted and are doing fairly well for the most part. They still have their two parents and they know that both of us love them. Do they wish we were together? I’m sure they do. But the bottom line is that they are okay and I think it is because they know that I am okay. I think the hardest part of me and their dad splitting up was seeing how sad I was. Seeing me happy has made a big difference.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. DB and GAL for YOU. I promise there are better days ahead if you do. (((HUGS)))
She asks if everything including the house is going to be cleaned up and ready for the set up.
I was ready to blow my top with the way she said it but I was like I would like some help to get it ready bc I'm not sure where you would like some stuff to go and your "ready" might be different then my ready but still clean.
Then she wanted to borrow the truck to go pick up a vanity and toilet for the upstairs bathroom. I said I needed it to tow the boat to go out with our boys and I would also like to have a say in the style and look of both bathroom pieces.
Be careful not to fall into "War of the Roses" mode. Sometimes couples that are having trouble can only see things through their own eyes, and they start to pick apart everything the other does as "wrong" and see conspiracy everywhere. Each of them thinks their spouse is to blame for everything when in fact they are both creating a lot of conflict and drama and it just feeds on itself. You've got to take the higher road, when she creates drama you remain neutral. You listen to her crazy spew and you validate. You are the rock that her storm rages against- solid, unmoving.
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What else can I do? I feel like giving her her space and time is all I can do and be the best me and GAL'ing.
Thoughts? Encouragment? PLEASE!
You are exactly right- give her space and time and be the best "you" that you can be. Think of this as a life lesson in PATIENCE!
I had the boys last night and the 6 to has been sick and was tossing and turning coughing and wheezing so I tried to get a hold of her to ask what she had done the prior nights to make him feel and sleep better.
A couple of texts and two call with 2 rings and then voicemail with good time in between. So I dial her moms cell and finally get through.
Then this exchange.
Her When you do what you did last night, call me and start yelling and questioning me, it tells me nothing has changed with you. I know you were scared, and I don't know why my phone never rang nor did that text come through until well after you yelled at me. But i'm not a punching bag for you. You don't get to abuse me like that. It's not warranted, or how you should treat any person. I only wish you could really hear and understand what I'm saying to you.
Me I hear what your saying to me and am sorry that I made you feel bad. I was scared and mad that you would not pick up because I was trying to make him feel better. I apologize for my tone and volume when I got to talk to you. Trust me I did not want to dial your mom. I never want you to feel like I'm abusing you and am sorry I did with my words last night.
I also felt ignored because of the time in between texts and then the no pick up and straight to voicemail and that was wrong of me to assume that.
Her This is the crux of all our problems and what ive been saying to you for over 12mo, yet nothing has changed. I believe it never will which is why we will not be together. For many years this is how you've treated me, using your words and harsh tone to beat me up, leaving me to feel insecure, like I don't matter, scared of you, and unhappy. I thought I could love you enough for both of us and make it work, but that's not a way to live. I shouldn't be scared of my husband. I should feel like an equal, spoken to respectfully, actually working through issues instead of empty "i'm sorry's" and requests for make up sex. I am a good person, a really good person, with high values, great morals, hopes and dreams, goals and a strong desire to be the best person I can be - successful in as many aspects of my life as possible. And I am working to instill those same things in Ridge and Lochlan. I will not allow you to take those traits from me.
Me I'm taking in all that you wrote and know you are an awesome woman and I have been working on myself. I never want you to feel insecure or scared. Our arguments to me were disagreements and then we moved on when we should gotten to the bottom of the issue and dealt with it better. I want you to feel like my equal and secure and safe and always support you in your goals. I may not have shown it but I'm always proud of what you do and have accomplished through an up hill struggle at work and admire your energy.
Her When I read what you wrote it shows me you still don't understand or believe what is happening. We will be getting divorced. We will not be together. I'm trying to be clear because I just dont think you get that
Sorry so long and if I'm shouldn't be copying and pasting tell me.
Did I blow it? Am I ××××ed? Like I said still no papers since the threat in Feb or attempts at separating finances.
Ignore it and as always keep DB and GAL. Or deliver the I'm sorry you think our relationship is hopeless and I believe divorce is not the solution to our problems and I respect you enough to let you go " line?
Thanks. Sorry. And I just went to my new therapist. She is so far awesome. Way different then the one the wife and I went to together which I think got us deeper in trouble.
You've got to take the higher road, when she creates drama you remain neutral. You listen to her crazy spew and you validate. You are the rock that her storm rages against- solid, unmoving.
Thank you for this. To be ‘a rock’ makes a lot more sense when you understand the nature of a rock. It does not react. It does not shift. It will not run or hide. It cannot.
What should I do if I think depression is causing our issues to be blown out of proportion?
Its full on stonewalling to talk about anything. Now she wants to meet to talk about how we should tell the boys and make appt. for counseling for them to deal with our split.
Now she wants the kids 5yo and going to be 7 to meet with a therepist to help them cope after we tell them we are splitting up. I don't know if I will be able to keep it together when I see their look on their faces.
