So I am talking to 2 really nice guys right now and meeting up with 1 in the near future. After several days of texting, one of the guys commented on how nice my pics were and now I’m just hoping they are accurate. I love the compliments and flirting though and I know how little meaning it should have when you haven’t even met the person. I’m conscious of love bombing though. And I wonder if he’s a bit too into me before meeting. The other guy is someone that raised his kid on his own and I love that he’s a teacher and coach and seems to love kids and parenting.
All in all, I’m just surprised at how nice and friendly and forthcoming guys can be. I tend to be more reserved and distant. Probably because of ex husband.
I also know I can’t jump into anything exclusive in the beginning which is my tendency. My other tendency is to go for guys using logic instead of chemistry. And that logic has not worked out for me in the past. The texting is definitely adding chemistry though and my LL is words of affirmation. Which guy 1 is good at.
I’ll keep everyone updated.
Ginger that doesn’t surprise me. Some men write such creepy things! Too bad that guy didn’t show what he was about prior to meeting up with him.
Last edited by job; 06/11/1908:33 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
J - I read something once that essentially said a 10 on chemistry and a 0 on compatibility is going to be a bad marriage while a 6 or 7 on chemistry but a 10 on compatibility equals a happy marriage. If you can find a 10 on both how perfect would that be! I also think chemistry can grow over time the more you get to know someone as well.
Sounds like good things are happening. Just relax, enjoy, stay on your toes and trust your gut. I wish you success and happiness.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
The thing is, I never go for chemistry. I’m so logical. I have always gone for what I saw was safe.- but I was dead wrong each and every time. I would always tell people when I was lonely or depressed with ex husband, “he’s very loyal. I know he will never cheat. And he’s very responsible”. I remember my best friend asking me before we got married “are you sure you want to do this. I think your both together because there’s no reason to break up”
It took me 4 dates to kiss ex bf because I had to wait for the chemistry to grow. And it only came when I had poured my heart out to him about my divorce. That’s really bad too. He was arrogant and rude. But I wasn’t emotionally stable and that wasn’t fair to him either. I was with him cause I felt like he was a sure thing and wouldn’t cheat or leave.
My best friend told me she thinks I need to go for someone that I really really feel for. She said I have a personality that adapts to other people and that’s good because I do not make enemies like she does, but bad because When you can be compatible with many what prevents you from settling?
I have to say I am already feeling chemistry for one of the guys. I love his pictures and how he talks to me. (Really respectful and a good communicator) neither of us have talked about our past marriages or kids. And it’s light and fun. And he makes me feel good with the compliments. I can’t wait to meet him. And I know I’m setting myself up for disappointment or maybe he won’t like me in person. Or maybe he cheated on his ex wife. . But he keeps telling me how excited he is to meet me and I feel really good about this too. It’s a different feeling. And ridiculous to have. I know that.
Coffee date! It's not really a date, it's a "coffee meet". Low key way to find out if the person is a creep or totally not what you thought or if they are actually dateable.
(All that being said, I did once drive 11 hours for a first date with a guy I had been talking to on the internet for 3 months and it worked out ok - as in, we dated for almost a year until his old high school girlfriend found him, and we've remained friends ever since.)
But I've definitely "met" people online who sounded good but were definitely not for me once we met in person so keep that first meet low key, not a full-fledged date.
Maybe you need one of those dates that just have chemistry. Maybe it won’t be the man who becomes your husband, or who knows, maybe it will, but I think it’s an experience you should hVe. Leave your logic behind for once. Have some fun. You may find out you like it!
We will be doing a coffee date. And I’m calming down. I don’t know if this is the right guy but when I googled he might have lied about his age. Ok. I have to be really careful.
Yeah texting is overrated, use it to get a comfort level and that's it. Meet as soon as you can. You can also try some Internet searches on Facebook, LinkedIn, Google, etc. to get more information or to see more pictures.
And I know I’m setting myself up for disappointment or maybe he won’t like me in person. Or maybe he cheated on his ex wife.
Hi Juju... You should watch Brene Brown's TED talk on vulnerability. I have been thinking a lot myself lately about why I insert negative thoughts (like above) into potentially good/great situations. I catch myself now... and say stop it Pinn! Let it flow. Certainly be careful but let those negative thoughts go. Enjoy the date. No matter what it is an experience.
It was my mistake. I was looking up someone different. It doesn’t seem like he’s lying. And pinn, I love Brene Brown and I will look that one up. I think I am vulnerable. I have to say, the texting and talking has been so much fun. And logically, I know how stupid it is to build things up but I just have some pretty good vibes so far. He might be more enthusiastic about me and I’m kind of going off that. Or maybe it’s just flirting. Or bored parents that don’t get out much and are looking for excitement and happiness.
I have an acquaintance (walk away female) that’s dating and gets annoyed when the guys text her too much. I love getting the texts and only get upset when they decrease . I always thought men hated them.
But I will let every one know how it goes. The other guy is starting to remind me of ex bf. Very similar scenario. Mom left and he raised a willful girl on his own. And he did take a bit of yenta stance with me when I wasn’t expressing concern over my son. It wasn’t rude more of a “don’t worry he will be fine after he talks to others going through this” but I wasn’t even expressing worry. He’s also a teacher so I’m sure that’s part of it. Iit just reminded me of the ex.
Juju... you sound a lot like me. I have very little experience dating as well... have been long term relationship girl my entire life. I had this idea that I would date a bunch of people and not get too attached to anyone. So...I had dates with eight different guys...all of whom were really nice and I think pretty decent people. Six of them I did not want a second date with, one became a friend and the last one, the only one I had decided beforehand would NOT be a boyfriend but I’d meet “for fun” is the guy I’ve been seeing. I haven’t been on the dating websites since our third date so this fantasy I had of being a modern woman and dating multiple people went straight out the window. Honestly...it is just not who I am and I think it would be way too much work.
I know what you mean about it being fun and a good distraction. It was exactly what I needed to remind me that there are other men out there who would find me attractive and vice versa. It was a real eye opener. So...have fun, be safe and pay attention to that inner voice of yours. (((HUGS)))
It was a really nice date. Some chemistry. He is definitely a good guy. And it’s funny how the universe works. Ex bf was opposite of husband and this guy is so opposite of ex bf. He made me feel really good. He was very positive and easygoing and expressed himself really well. He was so complimentary I felt like I was a celebrity. But not in a player sort of way. So I’m definitely going to go out with him again. But it feels weird for me to talk to and date other guys at the same time. I know that’s what’s healthy but I’m the relationship girl as well. The only red flag is that I wonder if he building me up in his mind because he likes how I look? But he really made me feel very beautiful. It was a really good feeling
I’m so glad it went great! But remember , you aren’t actually dating these guys yet. You are getting to know them. And you’ll know when there is one you want to actually date, you’ll stick to one.
Glad it went well Juju!! I think if you are open and honest and attuned to your emotions, things will work themselves out over time. I agree with Ginger. You will just naturally stick to one and there’s nothing wrong with that. Dating can be quite time consuming so I’m with Pinn... it would be hard to do. I think you shouldn’t put pressure on yourself either way. If you really like this guy, there’s nothing wrong with only going out with him for the time being. There’s lots of time to meet others if it doesn’t work out.
So not having gone on a single date in 15 years, I am intrigued by this comment. Can you share specifically what he did or said that made you feel beautiful and comfortable? I am not trying to steal or just use tactics, I am genuinely interested in how you do this initially and not use stupid compliments. I know I am better than that, but just curious what this guy did to make you feel so good. I am going to be such a dumb noob when I start dating lol.
Just be careful. B told me about one of her dates where they guy "said all the right things". Bad sex on date #3 happened that she regretted. He lived in a beat up camper trailer. There was no date 4.
Most of the guys she went out with were just after a quick lay which only this one guy got.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I do like this guy and want to date him. We have been texting and talking and that feels good that he wants that time. He is making and willing to make time to meet (hard cause we both have kids and I really like that. We both agree kids come first but he expressed relationships and time spent are important to him.
There is another guy I was talking to that I don’t want to ghost and I didn’t even go on the site to respond to messages from him, so I want to tell him I’m don’t want to pursue. It’s too many people for me and I can’t multindate. I prefer getting to know someone one at a time even though i know it’s not advised. I haven’t dated anyone and I worry I wil kick myself in the future if things go badly and say, why didn’t I give other guys a chance? This is the 2nd time I go for the first person I meet on lines. But i do selectively respond back to men.
pinn - I think maybe people have many sides to be opposite of? Lol
J. - he did go in for the kiss. A couple of times during the date. Basically told me in an enthusiastic, playful way “I just want to kiss you so badly” I never do that. But we had established connection with the texts and he genuninely seemed so into me that I felt like i wanted to.
Maika - He Made me feel good because he was really open about how excited he was to meet me. No games (unless he’s a really really really good player) he took control by telling me what he wanted (me to respond to his message us to meet up, us to talk) but asking me if I was ok with that. It was very sexy cause it showed that he was confident and in control but respectful. He frequently commented on how much he liked my looks but not in a sexual way. And he mixed it in with asking me a lot about myself so I didn’t feel like he just wanted to sleep with me. I feel like I know where I stand with him. He’s looking for a partner and I know he likes me. So that made me feel beautiful. , Im not going to just junp in and sleep with him. I want to take things slow and see how things go. Get to know him better. We don’t know each other enough to like each other only to like how we feel with each other. That’s what someone told me and it makes sense. It’s a good feeling though.
In my one foray into online dating... about a year ago, I was talking to someone and we had made plans to get together. She bailed but we kept chatting a bit so I tried again. Then she let me know she had met someone and it was going really well. She didn’t feel comfortable dating multiple guys at the same time. I actually greatly appreciated that she let me know and they are still together a year later.
I had a post all typed out earlier this past week but I just clicked X and deleted it figuring, what do I know? LOL. I'm still thinking that (what do I know) but also now wishing I would have posted as in it I pretty much called it - I said that I believed history would repeat itself and like in the past you'd grab onto the first guy you dated. Again, I'm just way different. What you are doing is not necessarily wrong. I just find it extremely interesting as I've got a few friends who have done the same. I just don't get it. I need someone who is beyond a match, outstanding, really catches my eye, is special, is "the one" not just the latest one or the one for this month or this year. I just don't see how you can find that the first time out - every time. Many of us try OLD for years and never find anyone but you do on the first time out - not once but twice. And you are not alone, as I said I have friends who have done the same. Yet I see OLD how some women are there for years. Then there are women like you who are on and off within a week. Others here have done the same. I don't get it - but just because i don't get it doesn't mean it's wrong or unhealthy or the like. I just don't want you to repeat what happened last time - yet it sure seems like you have a mode and a method and it's just what you do - you can't even stop yourself.
I guess the red flag I do see is it seems to be a lot about how he makes you feel. That for sure is different from me as I feel great about myself going in - I don't need someone else to make me feel that way. You seem to really, really like this guy - yet how can you even know him much if at all? And then all the other guys - poof / gone. I guess I'm even a touch frustrated as how can good guys even stand a chance if any guy who puts up a good first impression seals the deal just by being lucky enough to be the first guy the woman dates. That just happened to me with a friend of a mutual friend. She didn't want to date anyone, she claimed - then the first guy she dates she falls in love with. WTF? Some people can find a connection or a fit with just about anyone and then there are people like me who can only find a fit with a select few.
This post may be as much about me as it is about you JUJU and I really don't mean any disrespect or to make you feel bad. You are who you are. If you're good with that, I'm happy for you. You just seemed to clearly want to take a different path this time, to the West after always traveling to the East with guys in the past - yet within a mile down the road, you've turned the car around and are heading back East to your comfort zone and familiar territory. It's that which I'm trying to comment on as I would have bet serious cash that's what would happen - I should have just put my money where my mouth was and called it before it happened. We are who we are I guess and change is hard - I'm clearly at the head of that list. Regardless, I hope for the best for you.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I don’t feel bad at all. I notice what you said as well and my mom has been telling me not to get exclusive with any one. And that was my plan going in.
The only difference is that last time, I initiated and this time he initiated. I initiated because I created something in my mind based on his profile. Last time my first reaction when I met ex bf was “nope” but then I gave him a few dates and I liked him for having been through a crazy situation like me. I was still healing and ex bf had so many red flags that showed early and I kept saying - he’s a great dad. Not realizing how many great dads there are out there. My friends did not like him when they met him. My friends are very loud and brazen and tell it like it is themselves and they did he was way too negative and rude.
This time around, I liked the guy when I saw him and whenever we talk I am literally smiling during the whole conversation. We do seem to have a lot more similarities and i suspect we follow the same love language. I like the sound of his voice and I love the way he communicates with me. I love the way he talks about his kids and what their dynamic seems to be (he’s more laid back like me). He seems to be so positive. I do know that there is so much more to know and discover. I know that you have to date a while before you discover flaws. I know that we put masks on in the beginning. That we are revealing our true selves. That it takes a while. That you only get a limited time of infatuation. But if I date others, I can’t mentally connect with him. It’s too much. It’s like reading 5 books at once and I can’t get into it or read it with depth and appreciation.
I think I am pretty selective about who I message though. I read through every profile good, bad, and crazy.
First impressions do mean a lot in life. . There might be great guys out there but if they message me a generic “hi” or “hey there” or just a mass produced profile of themselves they are not going to get noticed in OLD. I don’t know why they pay for something and then put no effort in. Would you choose to interview someone that sent a personalized cover letter about your band And had an outstanding resume or just a guy that had a regular old resume? You would pick the guy that had the cover.
I might be making a bad mistake again. I know that too though.
I think you just need to be true to yourself Juju and make sure you keep your eyes wide open. It is completely possible to find someone you like on the first date. I liked all eight guys that I went out with but was only REALLY attracted to one which happened to be the seventh guy I met face to face. Am I banking on him to be a forever love? Not exactly. I honestly am not thinking that far ahead because I think that is what gets me into trouble. I’m just taking one day at a time and enjoying his company. The last time I did the OLD thing, I dated three different guys for six weeks at a time but only one at a time... like you, I can’t read five books at once and I don’t want to. It’s too much work. And...just as you don’t necessarily want to grab onto the first guy you meet, you also don’t want to eliminate him because he is the first guy you meet. My XH was the fourth guy I met and we lasted 14 years. There are no guarantees in life. We could all die tomorrow. Do what makes you happy today and worry about tomorrow....tomorrow. Pay attention to that inner voice...and have fun!!! We deserve it after all the SH*T we’ve been through. (((HUGS)))
I think you have been one of the luckier ones to quickly find someone that you want to go on a second date with. You are quite a catch, so im not surprised.
I think what you should do differently this time is to be careful of building someone up in your head. I think when you do, you might really have hope they will be that person, even when they show you that they aren’t. Just be aware of when someone shows you who they are, believe them. And if the reality isn’t someone you want to be with, move on.
For now enjoy the moment, don’t look to the future yet. Learn him and get to know him. And I sure do hope he turns out great, but if he doesn’t, just recognize it and move on.
Thank you. I am always cautious and careful and I tend to hold back emotionally. I know this sounds absolutely crazy, but this time it just feels completely different. We have been talking for hours on the phone already and we do have a lot of similar compatabilities and values and beliefs. And we both want the same thing. I just feel like I can be open with him because he is so open with me. It really doesn’t feel like someone love bombing or being a player (i dated one of those already so I know ) it’s just exciting. It doesn’t feel like I’m settling - I just really like him. With ex bf it felt like I was settling. I would always think, “yes he’s hypocritical and rude and arrogant but he’s also a good dad and will be loyal and a lot of guys out there are pretty bad so I could tolerate the rest ). With this guy, I just feel like I want to know more about him and I want to spend time with him and make him happy. I instinctively feel like he is the one - and that’s not like me ever. It feels good because he is equally as excited about me if not more. Logically, I do know that time tells all. But this is definitely good chemistry. I don’t even feel mad at ex husband. I just feel glad that I have This opportunity right now.
I'm feeling like I'm just about the only person who questions or challenges things here lately. I mean the reason this board was started was to help people with Rs - not just support anything and everything they want to do. But when I read things like:
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
There are no guarantees in life. We could all die tomorrow. Do what makes you happy today and worry about tomorrow....tomorrow. Pay attention to that inner voice...and have fun!!! We deserve it after all the SH*T we’ve been through. (((HUGS)))
Does that not sound like something a wayward or walk-away wife would say - or husband? It's my time, screw tomorrow, I want to do what makes me happy today regardless. I've suffered enough and now it's my time.
What happened to love is not a feeling it's a choice and a decision? It seems like even after learning all of this some of us are right back to love being all about feelings and how it makes us feel - back to thinking from the heart not at all from the head.
Most certainly we need to be happy in life but again is that not what someone says when they want to get away from their spouse and don't want to face any truths? Yes we could die tomorrow but most of us won't and then we are going to be saddled with the decisions we made to be happy in the moment for the day without thinking about the future. I think we need to have a balance of this. It's not all black and white but when i start seeing actions like those of WW and WAW it really gives me concern as to did we not learn anything through DB? DB certainly doesn't teach us these things - or does it? Did I miss that chapter?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I for one like challenge and questioning. Different perspectives are always helpful - especially from the opposite sex - when dating. And they also help you analyze yourself in your response.
I get what your saying. In fact, the idea that love is a choice and a decision is something I touted since BD. I didn’t go on a date with a guy because he told me “I want to be in love. Parents need to be happy in order for children to be happy. The love wasn’t there and neither was the commitment” (now he obviously cheated so that was the real reason)
With ex bf, I went with love being a choice and feeling. Had the check box for him. Thought completely from my head. And things were bad. I didn’t love him. Believe it or not, I was often like that with my ex husband. I sensed something was wrong. I was so angry at him and resentful of him. I knew something was up but I just didn’t know what cause I didn’t have the language or experience of recognizing addiction behaviors. Instead, I looked at the looked at the logic. I twisted logic. “He’s always been a deep sleeper. Wish he could get help for sleep apnea. His job is so demanding. Corporate America is unreasonable. His mother is stealing him away from us. He’s so smart he’s in high demand at work. He comes from great family role models (didn’t find out about what happened till later Cause his mom kept it a secret)”
I never went with instinct. I chose ex husband because he was all American, good looking guy that went to great schools, has a profession that’s in demand and requires specific skill set difficult to acquire and came from an intact family”. I thought he would be loyal, and a good father, and good provider. That made logical sense.
But, I’m starting to maybe learn that you need to feel. And I don’t mean feel for that hot but crazy chick that’s weqring a tight skirt and you know is wrong for you. I think maybe feel something from the soul? I don’t know.
I agree that you don’t do what you want to do for the sake of being happy when it comes to shirking your responsibilities or betraying someone. But none of us are doing that. My son will always come first. And when I’m with someone I don’t open myself up to this with someone else, so very different from wwywards.
I’m starting to think that with relationships - logic stuff isn’t that helpful because you don’t really know if the quantitative stuff they are laying out is even real. I think maybe relationships require relying more on instinct and feelings - which is scarier for some of us.
I don’t know. Just a thought and interesting discussion for me. I will say, I never felt like I am right now. And to me, people that have said things in the past like that were always perceived as flighty.
I agree with you, juju, that different perspectives can be a very good thing. They help us learn and grow because others have different experiences and can lend us valuable information that they have gained through what they have gone through.
I guess I'm struggling a bit with love being a choice. Love is absolutely an emotion. Now, maybe I agree more than I realize and I'm just letting semantics get in the way, but I think the emotion of love should be tempered with choices and decisions. For the most part who you love and how much you love is a choice, but the basis of love is an emotion, at least in my mind. I'm not trying to start a debate or anything and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but that is how I see it. Love can be fleeting, but I think fleeting love is usually more about lust. I may be misunderstanding what you and Don mean when you say love is a choice, but finding love is not like going to the supermarket to buy T-bone steak and coming out with ground beef. Sure, you have to use your brain and actually THINK about things when it comes to love, but you also have to feel them. You talked about choosing your XH based on things that made logical sense, but you don't talk about how you felt about him. Did you love him and those logical things were a bonus or did he logically seem like he'd be a good husband so love developed later? Does that even make sense? LOL This is why I'm struggling with love being a choice. I'm not saying you and Don or wrong or even that I necessarily disagree with you. I'm just trying to understand your point.
As far as OLD, I think you have to do what works for you. You have mentioned several times that you don't want to date several at once and I totally get that. I have never been one to date or talk to a lot of guys at once and the one time in my life I was getting attention from more than one person at a time, it was actually kind of overwhelming for me. Just proceed with caution and you'll be fine. Enjoy it, but keep your guard up.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
What you said Dawn. I was trying to convey that I lived “love is a choice” and I was wrong. At least with ex bf. With ex husband, I think I loved in the beginning and then settled and accepted things I didn’t like. I was super young and inexperienced.
With new guy, I am feeling super excited. We both came from relationships where we were the pursuers or nurturers. (I loved what KML wrote on Andrews thread) and it just feels so incredible to like someone that likes me back and that is equally or more excited. He has really good communication and relationship skills too based on his career and that makes me feel very safe too.
Time is going to be hard. We are on opposite schedules with kids. Time is really important to him. My ex keeps trying to get out of the time he’s supposed to have son too. He makes up excuses like his mom won’t be around and he has to work late on a Friday (bs). We never put in the decree that when that happens, he needs to pay for baby sitting and I have no choice. And it’s ok. I love my son and I know it can be worse. But ex husband is a really bad human being.
Ex sent me a pic to show son of his desk at work and it’s covered with pictures of my sons work that says “great dad” all over it. (Along with a mirror and a picture of his old bmw) It’s such bullshit. It’s just image control and he does the bare minimum so that he doesn’t look like a dead beat.
With new guy, I am feeling super excited. We both came from relationships where we were the pursuers or nurturers. (I loved what KML wrote on Andrews thread) and it just feels so incredible to like someone that likes me back and that is equally or more excited. He has really good communication and relationship skills too based on his career and that makes me feel very safe too.
Just be careful JujuB - intensity and passion can also disguise love-bombing. Something I still have some worries about although I've seen no signs of the related mirroring or much in the way of controlling behaviour.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Don... Anyone who has any familiarity with me and my sitch knows that when I say don’t worry about it, do what makes you happy, that I am talking about OLD and not saying we should do whatever we want at others’ expense or ignoring any huge red flags. That’s not what I said or what I meant.
RE: Love being a choice or not. I think in long term relationships, in order to stay “in love”, one does have to make choices... to do things that support and promote the feeling of love. At the start of relationships, when hormones and brain chemicals are at their peak, it takes little effort. As time goes on and you get accustomed to the person, you need to make choices that promote and sustain that feeling... i.e. taking the time to date your partner, show an interest in them, make an effort to make them feel special, etc... That is what I think of when I think about love being a choice. My STBXH’s choices guaranteed the destruction of our relationship. He chose to distance himself and to focus on negatives and feed his resentments. He could have dealt with his feelings so much differently but he didn’t. Our relationship was always going to end in divorce. He made sure of it.
Anyway...I wish you the best Juju. I hope this guy turns out to be everything you hope he is. Just be a bit cautious and don’t ignore any red flags if you start to see some. (((HUGS)))
Agreed Dejavu and yes Andrew I have thought about that too. I don’t get the love bombing player type from him. He recognized that he can be coming across like that too. Maybe more of a guy that’s really excited and not filtering his excitement. But there are things I can see we are on the same wave length as. And I just like his overall demeanor. Like, I just know we will be compatible long term. Coordinating time to meet each other’s needs is going to be a challenge though and it’s not because I don’t want to but because it’s physically not there.
Enjoy but just remember - this early time is the time to watch for who he really is. Don't ignore red flags. Do your "detective" work. Don't move too fast.
Hopefully he's just a great match but try to get input from friends and family who may see him in a clearer light.
I agree with what everyone has said. Intense connection and chemistry is great but that doesn't mean it will translate into long term success. Many things have to align for that to happen.
I read something in book once that essentially said that it is better if you don't have that intense connection immediately because if you do it can cloud your judgement which could cause you to make poor decisions (ignore red flags). That intense feeling is only one small facet of a R and once that ends there has to be something there to sustain you to the next level.
The flip side is that you do experience that feeling and it translates into a beautiful, fulfilling, life long relationship.
I guess in either scenario you just have to stay true to yourself, your beliefs, your values, and as everyone has said watch out for the red flags no matter what you are emotionally experiencing.
I have never ever experienced that intense connection. It’s always been something that was based on judgement. This is a first for me. . Same for new guy. It could be that I am getting excited by his intensity for me. He has told me he’s head over heels. I know a part of that is gonna be because of physical looks which is superficial. . But the more things he says and talks about the more I can just totally relate to. Like we are completely on the same wave length - we both are active, eat healthy, like to talk and communicate, our love languages match, low key and peaceful and collaborative personalities. Analytical.
Of course there are gonna be unforeseen issues. Probably finding time. Kids. Etc. but I’m just gonna focus on enjoying it for the time being and going in optimistically
Oh god! Good point! When’s ok to even ask questions like that? Imagine investing and then finding that out way down the road. How did Dr. bring up testing to you? How did you feel about that?
Girl, slow down and take a breath! What’s the rush? You have already talked about your love languages? And now you’re thinking about when it’s appropriate to think about STD testing? Am I missing something? Didn’t you just meet this guy like a week or so ago? I’m all for you finding a great guy because you seem like an awesome woman, but you seem to be moving pretty fast. Please slow down, savor the experience, enjoy yourself, but keep your guard up and your eyes open.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I have never ever experienced that intense connection. It’s always been something that was based on judgement. This is a first for me. . Same for new guy. It could be that I am getting excited by his intensity for me. He has told me he’s head over heels. I know a part of that is gonna be because of physical looks which is superficial. . But the more things he says and talks about the more I can just totally relate to. Like we are completely on the same wave length - we both are active, eat healthy, like to talk and communicate, our love languages match, low key and peaceful and collaborative personalities. Analytical.
ah I hate to be all negative but have to say this post is concerning. Head over heels in a week?? I have never experienced this (to be honest, it's probably not possible for me because of my personality) but have seen this several times. It does not typically end well. This post reminds me of what I see from people on social media when the just meet someone and suddenly are 'in love'. 3-6 months down the line.... you don't see those posts anymore.
Let that analytical side of the brain take over for a bit. Love is a drug. Once that brain chemistry takes over, it's hard to regain control until it wears off. I hope this all works out for the best for you. Sure enjoy the ride now but be careful.
Oh.... and a question. How do you know this is the first time new guy has felt this way??
Yeah I agree - a guy telling me he's "head over heels" after only a week or two freaks me out because, of course, he doesn't actually KNOW me by that time, so it's just about the FANTASY of me.
It doesn't make it bad - necessarily - because we've all met partners that we were wildly attracted to from the beginning. But as adults with some experience, a little caution is called for. Just keep your eyes and ears open.
BTW - I talk a good talk but sometimes rules are made to be broken. I have slept with a man within hours of meeting him after a couple of months of talking online (he lived 11 hours away) and I don't regret it - we dated for a year and are still good friends. CMM (although maybe not a perfect example) WAS head over heels about me pretty quickly, and with reason - I'm a good match for him.
But when we're excited we don't always make good choices or see red flags, so enjoy but just keep your wits about you.
J - The Dr. did not make me get tested as I had a blood test about 1 month earlier due to a girl that made me get tested before I slept with her. I agree with what everyone else has said above. Just remember you are in control and it is perfectly ok to request that your partner get tested before you sleep with them. If they really care and value you they won't mind at all. I showed the Dr. my tests and told her I would get tested again if she wanted.
So just a quick update... things are going great with NG. We clique so well - mutual chemistry and anticipation. It is so much fun. He immediately went exclusive and told me no pressure for me to do the same - but I have no desire to date others right now. He’s very romantic and wants long term partnership. And he tells me how excited he is about me even though it’s so early. I feel the same. But am keeping things in perspective. I know that time is the only true revealer.
So different from ex bf and ex husband. Neither of them were as into getting to know who I am on a deeper level. Ex bf would just stop responding in a text in which I thought the conversation was still going. Ex bf was always negging me even in his compliments. Actually compared me to being like his favorite car but in the wrong color because of my hair coloring (he likes red heads) and then once he said the only thing he would change is my height (I’m 5’8) and I was thinking “my height???? He’s the short one. He should wish he was taller. “ the arrogance was unbelievable.
New bf is showing my pictures to his friends and family and makes me feel completely cherished. He’s really considerate and enthusiastic. I just can’t believe I wasted time on my ex husband who didn’t make time or effort for me or ex bf who was so critical and wasn’t even physically attractive himself. I think I was punishing myself with him. New guy is really attractive too and tall. (Those aren’t my priorities but it’s a nice part of it and really adds to the physical chemistry) And everything has been so comfortable and easy. I think we both just want to meet each other’s needs. I know how early it is too and I don’t want it to burn out .
Sounds lovely. Just don't get so swept off your feet that you forget to look for any red flags (remember sociopaths are good at telling us exactly what we want to hear). Just keep your wits about you and do your research - while enjoying what sounds like a nice guy!
I cant say I have seen any red flags but it’s still early. He likes me so much - almost like a fantasy crush and that can be scary cause I worry about when those feelings get interrupted by reality. I actually keep telling him about all my flaws!! But it certainly is fun getting to know him. We are both pretty analytical. He’s more of the extrovert and I’m used to a bit more independence and alone time - which is refreshing to me in some ways because of my past. I’m used to being the clinger with ex husband or the initiator with ex bf (he was either lazy or insecure or passive) so being with an extrovert that takes initiative feels like the perfect scenario. It’s a turn on. So far, I like him more then I have ever liked anyone.
Our only difficulty is logistics. We are on opposite schedules and meeting up requires a lot of effort which we are both putting in. But it will make sleepovers or trips away impossible and I’m not sure how to navigate that. It does keep the pace a bit slower which is probably better long term. But we are certainly not going to introduce kids, so how do we carve out time?
I read an article once that essentially said that early fireworks are great but you have to have something more than that to sustain long term and you have to be careful that you don't let those early fireworks blind you and cause you to overlook red flags.
That said having kids and their schedules is the best thing you can use to your advantage to slow things down. I would take it as blessing more than anything else early on. Carving out time can be challenging if your schedules are off sink but if you both are vested in working through it you can make time. I sometimes drop my girls off at a local gymnastics place for parents night out from 6 to 10 on Saturday nights. I obviously can't have a sleep over but it is still a chance to go out and connect.
Things have been going amazing. Like too good to be true - which definitely scares me because I am not the type to dive in and feel like this. Our personalities and past experiences just seem to clique so well and I really like him. I know time will tell all though but it’s hard to not feel that “high” or infatuation. I’m hoping it’s there to build a good foundation and not something that means dysfunction or heart ache.
It's okay to enjoy that infatuation so long as you are also keeping your wits about you and watching for the red flags. I hope he turns out to be everything he seems to be. You deserve a good guy.
Thanks KML. I really hope so. So far everything has been absolutely perfect. He’s calm, patient, intelligent, passionate, and believes in love and marriage. I just really like being around him and the feeling is mutual. I just have to give it time to really know who he is and vice versa. It’s really exciting but also scary. It’s so different to have passionate feelings at this stage of life because you are slowed down by children and day to day life Versus college when you just hang out with the person every second you get. We both would love time together and it’s just not there. I feel so lucky to have found him but I know that it’s early and anything can happen and reveal itself. On my end, I know myself and I know I’m a loyal and committed person and it seems like he appreciates and is looking for that. I’m a bit younger then him and he loves my look. So that feels good too. I do worry about guys loving me for who I am
What's that saying? Something like enjoying the present while preparing for the future? I think having the commitments we all have at our age is a good thing, in a way, because it's a natural means of slowing things down. Darlin' you've got the rest of your lives to enjoy discovering each other. It's so nice to read your updates !
Enjoy! xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Love life - everything’s been absolutely incredible. Amazing chemistry and compatibility . I am really really happy. And I don’t believe I have ever had these feelings before. I feel head over heels and I have never felt that. Not even for my ex husband. And it’s mutual so it just feels amazing. We both want the same things. We talk about future. Of course, I know how these things can go. I know time is the true revealer of all. I know how early it is and what can happen in 6 months, 8 months, a year. So I’m trying to just enjoy and keep my eyes open. It’s scary being vulnerable and trusting someone. It’s scary having feelings like this that I know people will say are not real. Or are red flags. Having kids is definitely pacing us.
Work life - I feel burnt out. I haven’t been super happy or enthusiastic about my job. I’m not feeling engaged or motivated. I haven’t had a real vacation in a while. When I take off it’s to work my other job or take care of my son.
Family - I also feel burnt out. My son is not really outgrowing these sensory seeking, hyperactive behaviors. It’s at the point where my brother with kids avoids him around his younger kids. And that made me feel really sick because my son loves them so much and would give the shirt off his back to them. I struggle to keep my patience and I’ve been losing it. I hate my ex because he does so little. When he does have him he makes sure to tell me what a good boy he is being for him. But his mom takes him for like half the day usually after he takes him to an arcade or someplace easy that distracts him. So he doesn’t see. I love my son. I love kids. But I’m tired and his behaviors aren’t the norm and sometimes I just don’t want to wake up cause I can’t handle it. He gets services at school. But when he’s home for a vacation, it’s so hard. I don’t like yelling and I find myself yelling and I don’t like it. I feel like I have sought help so many times and it’s at the point where nothing nearby helps. The only thing that helped was this program with intensive work outs and I just can’t do the long drive anymore for it anymore. By the time I put him to bed I’m exhausted.
Ex - he’s the same. I can’t stand how he treated me. I’m really glad to not be with him in a relationship. He was just selfish to the extreme. Most of the people that come here to divorce busters are dealing with personality disordered partners - liars, addicts, thieves, cheaters. The type of people that would be in jail if their marriage contract was viewed by a judge on similar terms that a business or work contract was. I’m not sure what newcomers is like anymore - but I think it should be more geared towards wards empowering people to say good riddance to dysfunction instead of supporting them to “win” back their lying, abusive exes.
Things have been great with bf. I know it’s early and I know that time tells all. The things I like so far are that he really makes huge amounts of effort and that he’s really invested in me and in our relationship.
I think that should be the first on every one”s must have list . If the person your dating does not demonstrate that early on, I think they are just not into you enough and it’s just never gonna be great. I love CL’s term “spackle ”. I was a spackler- just covering up all the crap from guys that were not worthy.
My ex husband was never that into me early on. Actually told me when we first met “I will call you in 3 days”. Current bf can’t wait to talk to me and see me. Last boyfriend was so passive when he should have been assertive and inappropriately aggressive. Having now experienced someone that is just so enthusiastic and appreciative - I will never tolerate what i did. But I’m really hoping that this is it for me.
Sound like you are doing well. So happy for you. I am now remarried - so I am past the infatuation/limerance stage. Yet, we are still on perpetual honeymoon; even with all the financial woes, annoyances from xW, humdrum of daily life. The key is that we both entered into the relationship with the desire to give. I want to give to my new W. She wants to give to me. Even when it is not easy to do so. That is the basis for a stronger relationship.
Congratulations RAI! That is great news. Haven’t seen any of your recent posts.
I am definitely in that early stage of infatuation and limerace. I have never really experienced that before with someone. I know to keep myself grounded and to stay aware of red flags. It’s just he really does have every thing i have ever wanted in someone - and then tells me how he feels so lucky. It’s great because the feelings are deep and mutual. And we love getting to know each other and spending time with each other. I’m think we are older and have each experienced what we don’t want. We have both come from some people with serious dysfunction too, so I think we just appreciate how easy things have been. We have similar parenting styles, and we both communicate well with each other. He is super rational and I feel safe that he’s not the type to twist things on me if something does come up. Like he doesn’t have that need to be right or to function solely on his own regardless of my thoughts He just wants to make things work and to be part of a partnership.
I do worry though. Like what if it is just limerace for him? What if he likes me because He likes how I look and likes the excitement of new love and is attracted because of the attention he gets from me who is Also in limerace and then after 3 years starts to feel that way about a new girl that gives him attention? Thats my fears coming through though and something i guess I feel vulnerable about.
Hey KML- it seems like there were 2 pst long term relationships he felt that way about and the girls ended up leaving him after a few years. . And he said he dated a bunch of girls he was never interested in and ended things when red flags arose.
I’m enjoying the limerace but haven’t experienced it before or maybe I don’t remember it’s so While it feels great, it also feels too good to be true. Like why is he putting me on a pedestal? Or perhaps, why did I date guys that were not doing that in the past?
Congratulations RAI! That is great news. Haven’t seen any of your recent posts.
Thanks. I have been off the grid due to so many other obligations. We are a large blended family.
Originally Posted by JujuB
I’m think we are older and have each experienced what we don’t want.
IMHO, this is key. It seems counterintuitive that someone who is D would be a relationship expert, but I think you need to go through a terribly dysfunctional relationship and D to recognize a loving and healthy relationship. My W came up with some great advice for our children: Love your spouse like they are your second spouse.
Originally Posted by JujuB
Like he doesn’t have that need to be right
I am a recovering "right-fighter". I was not extreme about it, but it probably contributed to xW's resentment. It sounds like you found a giving and unselfish person.
Originally Posted by JujuB
I do worry though. Like what if it is just limerace for him? What if he likes me because He likes how I look and likes the excitement of new love and is attracted because of the attention he gets from me who is Also in limerace and then after 3 years starts to feel that way about a new girl that gives him attention? Thats my fears coming through though and something i guess I feel vulnerable about.
It is OK to have those fears after what you have endured. You are vulnerable and trust does not happen instantaneously; it is earned over a long time. My W understands that and goes out of her way to be transparent because she respects my paranoia and PTSD from my previous M. I am certain that with time, those fears will fade away.
And if this turns out to be another illusion (heaven forbid) ...you are not the same JujuB. You have stood on your own two feet for some time now. You have so much more wisdom and knowledge. You also have us. I wish you so much luck in your relationship. (((Hugs)))
My friend and i were talking about my ex husband. She told me how how he never seemed to be into me. Or into anything. That he was just empty and boring. Nothing to him and was just going through the motions from early on. I wonder if it’s cause he was just never really that into me or if he’s incapable of being really into anyone. Like I can’t imagine him putting a love interest first or feeling deeply about anyone. Like I would honestly be shocked if he ever remarried or found someone he was head over heels with. I can’t picture it and I can’t picture a woman being ok with his in attention and lack of passion at this stage.
I still feel traumatized that I stayed with someone like that. Like, being in a loveless marriage is really traumatizing. My ex actually told me when he first left “nothing will change for you. It’s not like you had my affection” so he was completely aware. And thats hard on me that I put up with that. Especially now with dating and seeing what other guys are like with me.
It’s the complete opposite of what I’m experiencing now. BF makes every effort to spend time, and makes it known through actions and words how into me he is. We do talk commitment and futures. He seems genuine and is so excited to be around me - he tells me how lucky he feels and how I’m basically his fantasy girl and he can’t believe he is dating me....but I also know from life that the guys that fall hard and fast also fall out of love quickly and suddenly too.... but my ex didn’t fall hard and fast. It took my ex a year to say I love you. Back then, I thought “ex was normal and good for me because he took his time and it’s the real thing and he wanted to make sure and he’s stable and slow moving and that’s better”. But it wasn’t. He just wasn’t that into me. BF is really into me which is opposite of ex.
Anyway. Lots to think about. My ex also doesn’t spend a lot of time with his own son. And if you can’t love your son like that what does that say? Emotionally avoidant attachment style? With everyone? I wish we had classes on this stuff when we were younger. I wasted so much time.
Forward is the only way to go. It may have taken longer than expected, you may feel like you lost some years with your ex, but better late than never. You could still be in that situation. But instead you now have a guy who adores you. And I don’t care what anyone says. A guy should adore his woman. A woman should treat her man like a king. The problem is when it isn’t reciprocal.
My ex was actually very in to me. But cruel at the the same time. It was a real mind F situation. He wanted to spend time with me, was very physically affectionate. But the way he spoke to me and disregarded my feelings about pretty much everything was very gaslighting-like. And boy did it mess with my head. That’s probably why I wanted him back. He tricked me into thinking he really loved me. But he had absolutely zero respect for me.
All I can say is that having someone who backs up words with actions and vice verse is a keeper. The others don’t matter. I’m so glad you found hat you truly deserve. Always be cautious, but this really is the way it should be.
Thanks ginger. I’m being cautious in some ways but very different in others. Like, I feel like i just know. He says the same. Everything feels right. We have met each others kids a while back. . He hangs out with me and my family every chance he can. We want the same things. We talked about everything early on. We just clique. We both share what others describe as “neediness” . Like he actually told me I never have to worry about being clingy with him cause he is even more so and likes being around me all the time. Obviously we both work and have kids so it’s can never get excessive. (I know people say it’s unhealthy but my parents are old school and like that and his seem to be like that too). We both have very similar and traditional views of family. I can’t find one thing that I do not like about him. - I have never felt like that about someone.
Last guy, I settled for - based on the fact that I knew he was stable. I excused and tried to looks past things I didn’t like because of qualities I felt safe with. Same thing with my ex husband. -with both guys people told me “you guys have nothing in common”. And they were right. With bf now My best friend for the first time ever in our lives told me “you will never find someone better for you” and my mom told me “you guys just fit together so well”. With ex husband my best friend asked me “are you sure you want to marry him or are you just doing it cause there’s no real reason not to” and my mom told me “you are day and he is night”
My only fear is the “feels too good to be true. When is it all gonna fall apart”. Based not on him, but my experiences reading sites like this. And based on what I have experienced in the past.
I tend to be cynical and slow moving and rational. And for the first time, I’m not following the guidelines. I’m kind of just going with what works. And I’m really hoping it works out. But yeah - I know I will survivor of it doesn’t.
We both share what others describe as “neediness” . Like he actually told me I never have to worry about being clingy with him cause he is even more so and likes being around me all the time.
Doesn't sound to me so much like neediness as just you both speak the same love languages. If Quality Time is both of yours love languages, you'd both be really interested in spending time together. If Physical Touch is your love languages, you'd both really want to hold hands, rub shoulders, snuggle together on the couch etc.
Those things only appear needy when you are paired with someone who doesn't share those love languages. I'm a physical touch person and I'm pretty sure my ex husband was tired of me touching him so often. He on the other hand was a Quality Time dude and my multitasking and being off in my introvert head wasn't meeting his needs.
I've had some boyfriends since for whom physical touch was their love languages too and it's very nice not to feel you are bothering someone when you stroke their head or hold their hand.
I'm so glad you are happy and things continue to go well for you JuJu. It seems like the two of you are a good fit in many ways - although by your own admission they may not be the healthiest? Still, it seems good - at least so far. But when I see this:
Originally Posted by JujuB
I can’t find one thing that I do not like about him. - I have never felt like that about someone.
That throws up red flags for me. I mean how can this be - with anyone? It's just not possible for any two humans not to find ANYTHING, not one single thing that they do not like about someone else. Even the best of Rs there are always some things that drive the other person nuts. If that's not the case it tells me you are still super in the honeymoon or infatuation phase. Or you have the most expensive pair of rose colored glasses known to man.
If and when you get to the point that you finally do see his flaws - and I know he has to have them. You finally see or admit that the way he smacks his lips when he eats his food or talks three times louder on the telephone than he needs to or calls everyone "dude" or whatever it is (I of course just made these up) - but when you start to identify these things in him and he starts to see the things that you do that drive others crazy - and yet you still feel the same way, well then you may have something here.
The mistake so many people make is think that how you feel now is how you are going to feel in 3 years - or maybe just in 1 year. It just never is. The cute way he calls everyone dude becomes extremely enjoying and if he says is just one more time you may clock him upside the head. You by your own admission have a history of not seeing what other people see - yet pushing forward anyhow. At this point others have not seen the flags - or at least have not voiced them to you. And there well may not be any. The only way to tell is to keep doing what you are doing, keep your eyes open and see how both of you feel in a year or two. I hope you feel the same but sadly the honeymoon phase does not last for ever. It's not about finding someone that you have nothing you dislike about, but rather finding someone that even the things you dislike about him don't come close to outweighing the things you do. It's also not just you - he has to feel the same as well and as you say, at least sometimes those who fall in hard and fast fall out just as fast.
You seem to have half of it covered - you both seem to have that elusive chemistry. You just fit. That's probably the case. It just doesn't mean you are compatible for the long term. You very well may be - I don't want to suggest otherwise. I'm just suggesting if you can't find one thing you don't like, it's too early to tell yet.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Juju, I really can relate to what you say about “neediness”. I love to be with the one I am with. Spend time with them, do nice features, think of them, etc. I would probably spend a good portion of my time with someone who wants to do the same. Does that make me “needy”? No. My ex was a guy like I said who did always want to spend time with em. X NG would want to if we lived close. FF spent all his free time with me. Everyone made me feel like this was “wrong”. But I enjoyed it. I love to be with the one I love.
Then M came along. He was like that in the beginning. Expect given kids, etc, we were excited to spend our time together. But when it came to a point where I was made to feel crappy because I wanted to spend time with him, that’s where I knew something was wrong. Yeah, we all need our individual time, our time with our friends, kids etc. but wanting to be with the one you love is not wrong, needy, pathetic , or a red flag. Finding someone who is compatible with that is great. I know you can be happy on your own and you don’t rely on someone else for your happiness. But you do just love to spend time with the one you are with and that’s natural.
I could only hope for a love like yours. Someone who feels like the won the jackpot when they found me. And treasures me everyday. And vice versus. I think that’s actually very healthy.
Embrace it, enjoy it. Your R will evolve. It may not always be so hot and heavy, but you can still have that love where you just love to be together.
I’m almost 5 years out and in an amazing relationship and I really was blessed with a super supportive family that sided and supported me immediately post BD. God. Even his family was kind of like wtf. I was so lonely and unhappy in my marriage. Even before the marriage. I just didn’t know what partnership could be like cause I settled young. My ex was nice enough, and back then I figured he didn’t cheat. But we weren’t compatible. I honestly would be shocked if he ever remarried or settled in with a long term partner.
Whats growth for me is that I am so happy with my new partner that I don’t care about my ex. Being in an incredible relationship, made me see what I was missing all those years. When i was devastated, family members would tell me “you can’t see it now. But someone is gonna snatch you up and you are gonna realize how bad your ex is” and “why the hell do you want him back? What kind of guy does that?” And I would taut to them all the crap I was reading by some of the posters here and on MWDs book. But that wasn’t for me. It’s a money making business. Offering hope. Like psychics and weird holistic healing methods that cost a lot.
I think that a better message for newcomers is to Not fix your marriage with someone that’s destroying your life - in the name of god or family or the myth that all marriages have universal issues we can work through. Some people are just not capable of being partners. Better off alone. Cut your losses early. The person that deserves you is the person willing to work for you.
Anyway I am finally over him. I know that cause I would be happy if he met a good woman and got his life straightened out. I do get annoyed about being financially gypped - he pays me late and i have to stay on top of him and I am repulsed by that. Even more repulsed that he he tries getting less then his 20 percent of parenting time. But I have no jealousy or feelings for him. I do feel bad that my son got him for a dad though. And I am struggling with my son. Common in situations like this. But something I have to devote more research on and time.
Anyway- thanks for reading. Just wanted to update and get stuff out. It’s so much better when your life is filled with the right people. And I wish I recognized how to identify the right people earlier.
I am So Incredibly happy for you. I knew the time would come when you would wouldn’t be eaten by anger anymore in regards to your ex. When you have something so wonderful on your life, that’s where you want to put the energy.
Just a heads up that if your ex misses his days with the kids, it is best to keep notes on all that. After a certain amount of time, you can make a case for more custody which would require him to pay more. I know legal fees can be costly, but with twins who are 5, it may be worth it to go for more custody. A lawyer could tell you how many days he needs to be missing for you to have a case.
Wishing you continued happiness.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hawho - ex takes on the minimum and subtracts a few hours from it (80/20 split). If there were any changes to that agreement he wouldn’t have to pay more based on the laws. He pays the standard CS formula. If he got a raise and I didn’t and my costs went up - I could take him back to court for an adjustment. And I don’t know if the legal fees would be worth it because I don’t think he can pay. Like he asks me to wait before cashing the checks so they don’t bounce I live in a ridiculously expensive area so his child support wouldn’t even cover rent in an illegal basement apartment even if it was further away from the city. He’s not even paying me what he should be as is. He owes a lot.
The thing is, he thinks he’s doing a great job. He doesn’t know what real parenting is. He’s basically a baby sitter that pays me. And puts in a little bit of input and feels good about it. He has minimal responsibility and no real “adulting” as CL calls it. And it’s frustrating. I’m embarrassed that my son has a dad like that when I compare him to other dads. But ex and his mom don’t see that. They think he’s great.
Anyway, my relationship is great. But I need to get my act together and become more structured and organized. I’m frustrated with myself. I’m not living up to my potential. I think it’s an adhd thing. I just struggle unless I’m in a structured environment - but it has to be structured by someone else. And there’s so much I want to do. It’s just the doing and organizing of time. I can’t function unless under stress from procrastination. I can’t even keep track of what ex owes me cause I’m disorganized and he knows that and hopes I will forget. Ugh. I get so mad at myself.
I am doing good. Been a little over 5 years since the ILYBNILWY. Still dating the same girl I have been for 4 plus years, not sure where it's going to go. We have our differences and I see it more and more every day. Otherwise, just been plugging away.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Eye tie - ahh. Well if it’s something you want to talk about feel free to use my thread. I have always been a bit nervous about freely posting everything - in case someone recognizes me or notices the forum and then wants to look it up. I don’t agree with a lot of what is touted here in newcomers and on midlife crises and I think maybe this forum was really unhealthy for me when my ex first left me - but I kind of like the interactive diary it offers.
All in all - I’ve been really happy about my relationship but scared that after the honeymoon phase it could become like what happened with my ex. I’m scared of someone resenting me when the relationship loses the luster of the early stages. That was really traumatic for me with my ex husband. Is that what happens in marriage and relationships over time or was that just because my ex was an alcoholic and secretly doing something where he was secretly spending 1 grand a week? That’s the deep rooted fear for me. Even though I’m surrounded by a family of committed marriages.
Ex and I have no actual conflict since I don’t want to be bothered - except for the money he owes. I realize how happy I am not to be with him. He is so sneaky. Seems like such a great guy and is so good at deflecting and not being present but seeming great. My son wanted more time with him - so I told ex at the request of my sons that he was feeling bad. And asked him if he wanted To see him a few extra hours 1 day a week after work. He said no he can’t - but twisted it and kept texting me asking how long long I have known that son was upset about this - and how I need to bring this up earlier to him. And asking why he was feeling this way.... it’s cause son is seeing how much time my bf spends with his kids and wanted to know why his dad doesn’t do the same. But I didn’t say that and maybe I should have. I waited till son asked me to say something. And it didn’t even matter. They did go away on a vacation together though so hopefully son feels good about that.
Apparently ex is on to another girl cause last gf seems to have discovered he was not being honest with her. (Figures that out through the innocent musings of my son) My own relationship has been just amazing so far. It’s the first time I felt chemistry for someone. I feel like he meets my needs and love languages. I love how he is with children and my family. It’s just been really good so far. I can’t believe I finally know what it feels like to be in a good relationship with someone. I am struggling to balance a relationship with my own work ambitions and keeping my sons interests first though. That’s been tough.
So I’m going nuts here. I’m officially quarantined - in a way that’s good because I flatten the curve at work a bit, but my symptoms were so mild they could have been allergies. And it’s almost 10 days and no test results from ex (who Has pretty bad symptoms and good reason to believe he’s positive). The big problem is no testing. Even if I quarantine for 2 weeks - if I don’t know that I was actually positive , I go back to work and can just get it and expose it to vulnerable people. There’s no logic to any of this. By the time you even get the test results the quarantine is finished and then if I was in fact negative - I just lost 2 weeks of work and now I’m out of sick time? There’s no excuse for not having testing. I am so ashamed for our leadership. It’s such an embarrassment. But not only embarrassing- extremely dangerous. Especially when you hear about all that insider trading. I can’t believe you can deflect and blame and blatantly lie and still be supported. I know this isn’t a political forum - so I will tie it in to saying it’s exactly like listening to a walkaway, self serving narcissist. Something the majority of us have experienced.
I miss my boyfriend so much during all this. I feel like we have been together forever and we just connect so well. I can’t believe a year ago at this time I was breaking up with that other guy. God. So much can happen in a year. I remember how bad I felt breaking things off and I can’t believe I ever felt bad about that. I haven’t been writing that much because I really have nothing to complain about. Being with him, makes me so grateful that ex left - because now I know what a healthy relationship feels like. We have chemistry, we talk every day and throughout the day, we have similar love languages and communication skills, and we respect each other as parents. Plus we have insane chemistry. It has been so so so wonderful so far. If I had experienced someone like this, I never would have settled for someone like my ex husband (who I dated when I was young and had very little experience).
I’m struggling to keep my son entertained. Especially on the rainy days. I’m losing my temper easily and then I feel bad. He’s adhd and it’s just tough cause he can’t really occupy himself without doing destructive things. He talks on stop and makes noises just for the sake of making noise. I’m seriously gonna lose it. I love him more then anything but I’m gonna lose it.
Nurses who work for clinics that are currently closed - think plastic surgeons, gastroenterologists, even orthopedists, etc. People are not coming in for office visits and elective procedures or surgeries and not every medical office can run on virtual visits. (Even though mine largely can, I'm only seeing 1/3 of my normal patients and not quite making enough to keep my staff paid, much less pay myself - if that PPP loan doesn't come through and things don't pick up soon, I could have to lay off my medical assistants too.). In our city, Covid cases have been well controlled, so there's not that big an increased demand for acute care nurses - and it's probably all been offset by the lack of need for post-op care nurses, since many surgeries are elective and have been postponed..Many doctor's practices have been badly hurt by this too.
To add to all the the info KML provided, that I would echo, pretty much anything but true emergecies or covid cases are being indefinitely postponed. So hip transplants, knee replacment, etc unless they like have a new fracture and can’t stand or something. Even more serious things are put on hold. The New England Journal of Medicine released a great article about this over the weekend. It includes actual cases like a cardiac case that nearly died because at first they told him to wait. Luckily that got over-ridden but he decompensated on the table. The article talks about setbacks for cancer and a large variety of issues related to putting near all focus on covid while ignoring nearly everything else.
My state has tested about 50,000 people. About 4,500 have tested positive while 46,000 have tested negative. As of today 420 covid patients were hospitalized. The state population is about 5.5 million. There are 1,900 ISU beds and about 13,000 hospital beds throughout the stare. The thing is most are currently empty. On top of this they have built a temporary overflow hospital that, like Washington state did, will likely see zero patients and then be torn down - this while laid off hospital workers and empty beds sit idle. Just the money wasted on that could potentially have paid some unemployment for those laid off.
There is so much more to all of this than flattening the curve. The unintended consequences will be so far reaching and not fully understood until all of this is over. I could go on and on and perhaps I will on my own thread. Thing is my state is far from unique. 4,600 covid patients. 224 covid deaths. 379 flu deaths 2017=2018 season with barely a peep and no drastic action. 300,000 unemployment filings in the last 30 days. There is way way more to this than CNN and MSNBC are telling you.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Juju, some nurses in the out patient areas have been laid off. However, they have all had the opportunity for redeployment . Our maternity nurses are now med -surg nurses, our PACU nurses are now Non COVID ICU nurses. The money that there is to be made in our area now is insane. Very risky, but wow, I could be in a NYC field hospital right now for $100/hr. The nursing homes that knocked out half of their staff due to patients are hiring in the spot.
This is not a flu. And the fact it is not a flu has implications on the healthcare system that goes down the line that could be crippling and even more deadly if it is not controlled. There is nothing comparable between flu and COVID. It is truly wiping people out and the nature of the illness is affecting the healthcare system and its resources like I’ve never seen . And if we just let everyone go about there business in this past month, that number would surpass any flu deaths like you haven’t seen.
The Doc has laid off 1 of her MA's and 1 of her front office staff. She applied for the loan but was told there was no more funding left so she won't get it unless more money is released. Her patient count is down roughly 70 to 80 percent and now has maybe 2 to 4 telehealth consultations a day. She is also in the process of expanding her office and doubling her rent. Not good timing.
My best friend is a CRNA in Nashville. All elective surgeries have been postponed at his hospital and his hours have been cut down to 20 per week.
There is nothing comparable between flu and COVID. It is truly wiping people out and the nature of the illness is affecting the healthcare system and its resources like I’ve never seen . And if we just let everyone go about there business in this past month, that number would surpass any flu deaths like you haven’t seen.
I’m sure that is very true where you are. It’s simply not the case - or even close everywhere. And that’s the problem. Not every place is NYC or Jersey or Michigan or for a period Washington. That’s why half a dozen states never closed and are doing better than those who did close. It’s also why we were told as many as 1,500 would die by April 8 in my state even with social distancing and as of April 21 we are still 5 times below that number. I don’t doubt for one minute what you are experiencing is very real - it’s just not happening most places and never will. So while you have the chance for $100 an hour 22 million people have no paycheck. Imagine if you had no paycheck for a month or two Ginger. What would that feel like. We can’t forget about the 22 million who may lose their jobs because their employer doesn’t survive. Most hospitals and clinics and doctors offices will likely re-open. Some bars, restaurants, hair places, sign shops, dog groomers, printers may not. In fact my sister in law has worked for the same company for near 25 years. She was told on Monday she was being laid off and the company believes they will file bankruptcy before the end of the summer. Her once 100K job may be gone at age 52. She’s already taken pay cuts. It’s not only covid patients and their families suffering and impacted. And it did not have to be like this everywhere. NYC and others likeky had no choice. What is best for a specific disease may not be best for the other aspects of life. You can’t only focus on disease and ignore everything else. Coming off the best economy and lowest unemployment of my lifetime to 22 million already unemployed is a true travesty - on top of the disease of covid which we are not going to stop any more than we can stop a hurricane.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Don - the reason it's not worse elsewhere is precisely BECAUSE we took the measures we did. They're painful but successful prevention doesn't mean the threat wasn't real. And if we reopen too early without appropriate precautions - everybody wearing masks, 6 foot distancing in the workplace and at restaurants etc., adequate testing and contact tracing - we will enter another peak before you know it.
BTW - don't just rely on deaths - morbidity is pretty awful too - and don't assume this is over - we will be dealing with it for the next two years at least.
It's easy to say "oh, they shouldn't have postponed elective surgeries " but really - would YOU have wanted to go into the hospital for say a non-urgent hernia repair knowing it was the most dangerous place in your town for catching Covid? I sure wouldn't.
Yes, healthcare business has been hurt just like everyone else. But there would be a lot more economic pain if we hadn't done this. And there would have been a lot fewer deaths and less economic pain if w had done what South Korea did.
When this peak subsides about 1 in every 500 people in New York City will have died. ! in 500. That your area has been spared that so far is a testament to the effects of the measures that have been taken.
420 covid patients in the hospital in my state yesterday (April 20) today there are 358 - a 15% reduction in one day. The number has gone down for over a week now. Meanwhile the very same day 10,913 new people filed for unemployment in the state. (April 20) just think about that - 10 thousand newly unemployed people while less are sick. Oil for the first time in the history of the planet has gone negative. Life requires balance and risk/benefit analysis. You cannot just turn off the country or the world and expect to survive.
I’m not going to fill up jujus thread with something I really should put on my own - besides this is no different than politics or religion or abortion, people are not going to change their minds. At least pay attention to the daily changes. The predictions of millions of people dying and hospitals being over-run are just unfounded and were wrong. It didn’t happen - not even close. Continuing to act otherwise is crazy. I continue to have infinitely greater fear of the “cure” than I do the virus.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
It did happen here though. We didn’t shut down early enough. Especially considering our transportation system which makes us more vulnerable. The rest of the country was able to shut down earlier - which is why your not seeing what we are. But look at what happened in that meat industry. It just takes one positive carrier for things to really escalate.
I was watching protesters in other parts of the country - and initially annoyed, but then wondered why the spin wasn’t put on how financially desperate people are to defy these measures to protect them. And that desperation is due to poor govt response. What stimulus checks? I’m never received one and it’s certainly not enough. Unemployment enrollment is a mess. Everyday the website changes and all sorts of glitches and no info as to whether your approved. The fact that people live paycheck to paycheck here says something too. Other countries are handling this much better then we are. Also, the guidelines for what’s essential make no sense. Like a landscaper can come weekly and mow the lawn but they are not allowed to put seeds down. So people are mad at the craziness. I was not allowed to wear a mask when visiting really vulnerable patients during the time it was spreading then all of a sudden we were allowed. Initially I was as told to quarantine for 14 days after exposure the. 7 then as long as no fever for 3 days. It sends mixed messages. And people are confusing that with thinking there is no need for caution.
My surprise was that nurses couldn’t be relocated like they are here. But more that hospital systems are not able to continue paying staff when they are receiving lots of funds. School districts are able to do it and county/state/federal government can. I’m super concerned cause my hours have been dropped so much - I had to apply for uninsurance (which I haven’t heard from) but I know they will return and I will be in high demand for summer . But then how do I afford summer camp with the lost work? If I could choose a protest it would be for school to be open in summer - at least for 1 month - to help parents get back to work and so the kids aren’t super behind. I have been super stressed.
Anyway this hasn’t been easy for anyone. Each state is unique. NY is certainly very different from the rest of the country - I think only in that it’s harder to contain. Other states are not seeing what we did because it’s easier to contain and quarantine- but that doesn’t mean you guys didn’t need to do so. My sons friends dad just died from it. He’s not that much older then me. It really is Bad when not contained.
thank you guys! I am so excited. I know how early it is - but I know I have never met someone I just clique with on so many levels. Obviously, lots of work ahead. Neither of us is going in to this without realizing the statistics and difficulties of blending families. But there’s also a “when you know you know” type of feeling we both have.
Congrats Juju! I really do hope it all works out and you two can create the life you both want! Just remember, feelings are fickle and can betray us at times, nor are feelings always going to be the same. Its the hard work around it and decisions made when the feelings aren't necessarily there that determine if it makes it in the long run. Even then, it requires both people to make those decisions. I'm sure you know most of this already as you are already realizing the difficulties ahead with the blended families. Its a good sign to be realistic about that, and should help you both navigate things together.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I do worry about the fickleness of feelings. I have always been someone that was more logical. I never went for partners based on chemistry. My ex husband was a logical choice - he had everything going for him on paper. But then under the surface there were all those crazy issues. I wonder if feelings and chemistry can also be instinct? Like I didn’t have good chemistry or feelings with ex husband. I had a lot of resentment and in hind site it’s probably because I sensed something. I just didn’t have a definition because I didn’t have experience with those patterns of addiction. So logic only works when you have facts and quantifiable data - but people lie or lead double lives so you can’t rely on it. Last bf - I didn’t have chemistry either.
With my fiancé - the feelings are there. Really deeply. I know myself and I know that i am committed once chemistry is gone. I do worry that my commitment has kept me in unhealthy dynamics in the past and I hope my walking out of last years relationship means I will do it again of things ever get unhealthy again. But that’s a fear. I do worry that fiancé might be willing to commit because of all the feelings and chemistry but then when that goes will he stay committed. He feels he is that type. But how does one ever know? Wait 3 years -7 years? I guess it’s a risk. I waited over 7 years with ex husband - and I still got deceived and financially screwed. So there’s no real assurance cause there doesn’t seem to be recipes for guaranteed success.
There are no guarantees for sure. You make the best decision possible with the information you have about someone now and what you know about their past. As the saying goes past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. No one can predict the future and what life will throw you. None of us probably would have thought we would end up here when we first got married, I sure didnt.
At the end of the day the people who made it 30 plus years both made the same choice and were willing to work through the difficult times.
Juju - I don't accept that it's a given that the "in love" feelings have to fade after a couple of years. I know they do for many people but they never did for me - or even really for my ex. Sure, he dumped me after 26 years and he had issues with faithfullness but really our relationship never suffered from lack of passion until he made his decision to leave.
If this guy is a good match for you - which he seems to be - and he doesn't have a history of falling "out of love" every coupe of years, I think things will be fine. Two grown adults who know how to treat their partners and have healthy boundaries should do great.
It may just be my experience that tends away from too soon now, I was all in with heavy, quick feelings with my ex and its scared me. She was my high school sweet heart (gagging just writing that now), and my first everything. I ended up proposing after 3 months of dating her.......... I'm sure there is a tendency for people to avoid what they've had in the past and swing the opposite way, especially if its hurt you in a substantial way. You end up not trusting yourself because of another persons decisions. So personally, anytime I see intense, quick emotions combined with major decision making, it always puts up major red flags for me. Not to say whats what you're doing at all, I'm sure there's a healthy balance where you're logical about certain things and have the emotion to bring you together. Both have a purpose after all. As others mention I think its always a risk and you will never know long term how things play out, but that's how life is and you cant avoid it all to avoid the potential for pain. Which will likely be my path when I end up jumping into dating, lol.
