thank you guys! I am so excited. I know how early it is - but I know I have never met someone I just clique with on so many levels. Obviously, lots of work ahead. Neither of us is going in to this without realizing the statistics and difficulties of blending families. But there’s also a “when you know you know” type of feeling we both have.
Congrats Juju! I really do hope it all works out and you two can create the life you both want! Just remember, feelings are fickle and can betray us at times, nor are feelings always going to be the same. Its the hard work around it and decisions made when the feelings aren't necessarily there that determine if it makes it in the long run. Even then, it requires both people to make those decisions. I'm sure you know most of this already as you are already realizing the difficulties ahead with the blended families. Its a good sign to be realistic about that, and should help you both navigate things together.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I do worry about the fickleness of feelings. I have always been someone that was more logical. I never went for partners based on chemistry. My ex husband was a logical choice - he had everything going for him on paper. But then under the surface there were all those crazy issues. I wonder if feelings and chemistry can also be instinct? Like I didn’t have good chemistry or feelings with ex husband. I had a lot of resentment and in hind site it’s probably because I sensed something. I just didn’t have a definition because I didn’t have experience with those patterns of addiction. So logic only works when you have facts and quantifiable data - but people lie or lead double lives so you can’t rely on it. Last bf - I didn’t have chemistry either.
With my fiancé - the feelings are there. Really deeply. I know myself and I know that i am committed once chemistry is gone. I do worry that my commitment has kept me in unhealthy dynamics in the past and I hope my walking out of last years relationship means I will do it again of things ever get unhealthy again. But that’s a fear. I do worry that fiancé might be willing to commit because of all the feelings and chemistry but then when that goes will he stay committed. He feels he is that type. But how does one ever know? Wait 3 years -7 years? I guess it’s a risk. I waited over 7 years with ex husband - and I still got deceived and financially screwed. So there’s no real assurance cause there doesn’t seem to be recipes for guaranteed success.
There are no guarantees for sure. You make the best decision possible with the information you have about someone now and what you know about their past. As the saying goes past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. No one can predict the future and what life will throw you. None of us probably would have thought we would end up here when we first got married, I sure didnt.
At the end of the day the people who made it 30 plus years both made the same choice and were willing to work through the difficult times.
Juju - I don't accept that it's a given that the "in love" feelings have to fade after a couple of years. I know they do for many people but they never did for me - or even really for my ex. Sure, he dumped me after 26 years and he had issues with faithfullness but really our relationship never suffered from lack of passion until he made his decision to leave.
If this guy is a good match for you - which he seems to be - and he doesn't have a history of falling "out of love" every coupe of years, I think things will be fine. Two grown adults who know how to treat their partners and have healthy boundaries should do great.
It may just be my experience that tends away from too soon now, I was all in with heavy, quick feelings with my ex and its scared me. She was my high school sweet heart (gagging just writing that now), and my first everything. I ended up proposing after 3 months of dating her.......... I'm sure there is a tendency for people to avoid what they've had in the past and swing the opposite way, especially if its hurt you in a substantial way. You end up not trusting yourself because of another persons decisions. So personally, anytime I see intense, quick emotions combined with major decision making, it always puts up major red flags for me. Not to say whats what you're doing at all, I'm sure there's a healthy balance where you're logical about certain things and have the emotion to bring you together. Both have a purpose after all. As others mention I think its always a risk and you will never know long term how things play out, but that's how life is and you cant avoid it all to avoid the potential for pain. Which will likely be my path when I end up jumping into dating, lol.
