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A Message from Michele
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kml #2848636 05/09/19 08:11 PM
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When I was 18 I was in a relationship with someone that was really jealous. He went through all my stuff. Was constantly checking up and accusing me of ridiculous stuff. Turns out he was cheating and had cheated in his past and continued to cheat with future girl friends.

I have never ever tolerated jealousy or a guy going through my stuff after that experience. Usually they donít trust you because they donít trust themselves. Has no right to read your texts or go through your phone. You should never feel like you have to change how you behave with people (like crazy ex bf) to make your current partner feel better. (When your behavior is innocent). That will slowly and gradually evolve into you feeling like you are walking on egg shells the whole time. Itís dysfunctional if not abusive.

I am really grateful that you were direct with me regarding my ex bf. I am so much happier not being with him. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulder. I would like to be equally direct with you. You donít seem happy. His behaviors would not make me happy. His behaviors are pretty dysfunctional. You have no history with him and I think you can help him medically as a professional or as a friend without having to be tied to him romantically. You are not dumping your long term boy friend when he got cancer. This is completely 100 percent different. And if he doesnít get that, itís on him not you. I think you need to put yourself first.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
kml #2848637 05/09/19 08:13 PM
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Would you ever ask someone to check their text messages? Thatís really not normal.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
kml #2848656 05/09/19 11:26 PM
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I agree, Juju. I also wouldn't dig all through someone's email account if they accidentally left it open on my laptop.

I don't suspect him of being the cheater type. I think he's insecure because his wife cheated on him and being sick/unemployed is kind of emasculating. But it's funny you mention that, because the one time my ex-husband went through my phone call records on MY phone, it was because HE was having an affair and it must have suddenly occurred to him that I could do the same! lolol all he found was a call from the auto mechanic about my car being ready.

CMM is barking up the wrong tree because I am SO not susceptible anymore to anyone telling me what I should do! I actually have kind of a bad attitude - it's sort of "If you don't like the way I do/handle that, just get the F out!". I've cut him a lot of slack because of his precarious position and his illness but my patience is definitely wearing thin. Don't worry about me, I won't stand for more than I'm willing to handle.

kml #2848701 05/10/19 01:45 PM
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Your recent posts have surprised me a bit. You are an intelligent, tough, fierce woman and it surprises me that you would put up with someone going through your personal stuff. If one of us was posting that our man was doing what CMM is doing, you would be the first one to jump in and say that we shouldn't stand for it. I think you are a kind, compassionate and caring person, but you certainly wouldn't advise other women to stand by a man just because he was sick. It is admirable, honestly, that you have stuck by him to lend him your medical knowledge and to be there to help him navigate the uncertainty of all he's dealing with. That is the stand-up thing to do and you have done it with grace, dignity and strength that makes it so easy to see why so many on this board respect and value your opinions. We don't know each other in real life, but I well imagine that you just absolutely are one of those people who have your stuff together.

I say all that to ask this: are you happy? Because, despite his sickness, if you are not happy, what is the real reason for sticking this out? I may be making incorrect assumptions, but it almost seems like you have shifted from girlfriend to caregiver. I don't remember the last time you posted about something kind or loving or anything that CMM had done. Most of your posts are about his extreme OCD or how he is intolerant of your children or his sickness. Maybe I'm a crowd of 1 here, but I just don't think you should feel obligated in any way to stay with him if you are unhappy, just because he is sick. He was dealt a sh!tty hand of cards, but that isn't your fault and honestly, it isn't his either.

Apparently some posts are getting all up in my feels today and striking some deeply personal cords and this one definitely is because my XH had some serious medical issues and almost died and I stood by his side because I loved him and wanted to help him through it all. Then, when the danger was passed, he dumped me for someone who had not had to dress his wounds, help him bathe, do EVERYTHING for him. He tossed me aside like I was no more than a nurse, though I had been the one who sat by his bed while he was unconscious in ICU. I slept on the cold hard floor in the cramped, cold waiting area and sat and held his hand and rubbed his hair during the 2 hour time slots I could get into his room, only to go sit back in the cold, dank waiting room for hours just to get a few hours at a time with him. It is a thankless and tireless task to deal with someone who is in the throes a serious medical issue, as you well know. Don't let that cloud your responsibilities to yourself and taking care of you. You are doing a noble thing standing up for CMM, but don't let it drag you down in the process.


Me 51, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
kml #2848738 05/10/19 05:03 PM
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Don't worry, I would never let him drag me down. I kvetch here about the things that bother me but most of our time together is actually quite good, and I'm trying to avoid the possibility of him being in a situation to die alone - a distinct possibility if I were to just walk. But if he can't get any better at some of the things he needs to work on, that may be the ultimate outcome. And if he continues to improve clinically (doubtful but possible) then he could be in a better position to be on his own.

kml #2848820 05/11/19 10:30 AM
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Hi K ... the one thing I'll add is that people generally end up in situations of their own making, in some form or another. Sure there are tough breaks in life, we all have those. But it's how we chose to handle them that shows character.

I've not had a warm feeling about CMM for a while. You know best.

xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
kml #2848915 05/12/19 03:48 PM
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Happy Mother's Day, to all the moms here. You are your kids' rocks.

kml #2848935 05/12/19 07:42 PM
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Thank you! Happy Motherís day to you as well.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
kml #2848943 05/12/19 08:20 PM
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back atcha baby cakes!


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
kml #2851851 06/05/19 07:05 PM
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Wow, guess I've been posting everywhere else but on my own thread!

My middle son graduated with his masters in social work. We had a celebratory lunch afterwards with my oldest son, my mom and CMM, and my ex and his wife. It went fine. His wife asked me about my music so I had the opportunity to mention how I played in Central Park last year with Jose Feliciano and Maria Muldaur etc. - nice opportunity to "one-up" my ex who thought HE was the musician in the family lol! But really, it was all quite civilized and even though seeing him still makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck a little bit everyone was quite polite which is great.

I've come to the enlightening but somewhat disturbing conclusion that CMM's OCD may not be simple OCD but actually OCPD - Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. The biggest difference is lack of insight - people with OCD are usually somewhat bothered by their compulsions, whereas OCPD are not - they just think their way is the right way and nothing is wrong with it. Harder to treat unfortunately because they don't perceive it as a problem. SSRI's are supposedly somewhat helpful even in OCPD but I doubt I could convince him that he needs to try them.

There was a fly in the kitchen the other day - one - and it was a major Hazmat issue in his mind. (We actually are bothered very little by bugs here in So Cal compared to most other parts of the country.)

Meanwhile his iron deficiency anemia remains mysteriously resistant to diagnosis or treatment. We cannot find a cause, even after I advocated for additional testing based on hematologist's common diagnoses for "unexplained" iron deficiency. And the iron infusions only bumped his levels up very temporarily. If we could fix this problem he would definitely have more energy. Otherwise his cancer treatment has him very stable at present. Considering I kind of expected him to be half-dead by this time when he first got his diagnosis (13 month median survival with standard chemo/radiation for his type and stage of cancer) he is doing very well and these new checkpoint inhibitor drugs are changing the game for lung cancers.

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