Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
unchien Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by IronWill
U - yep I agree, cancel MC. but you knew I was going to say that already.

Stay strong smile

Haha yes I did know you would say that.

IW - this isn't about busting a D or Recon. This has transitioned into "what's best for me and my kids".

Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
How is going to MC under these conditions doing what is best for you and your kids? (not trying to be snarky, honestly wondering) I think a lot of the push here against doing it is that is smells like an example of trying to "nice" her back, which never works. Do whatever you feel is best, just take the time to examine your motivations.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 750
Likes: 1
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 750
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by unchien
Originally Posted by IronWill
U - yep I agree, cancel MC. but you knew I was going to say that already.

Stay strong smile

Haha yes I did know you would say that.

IW - this isn't about busting a D or Recon. This has transitioned into "what's best for me and my kids".


U - i know I sound like a broken record here. you're going to do what you feel is best. Just know that BD is hard enough without a 3rd party in the peanut gallery providing commentary and helpful questions such as "and how does that make you feel?"

Forget DB or R for a minute.

Its gonna hurt you a lot.

That's why im suggesting to cancel.

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
unchien Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
OK unanimous feedback here. I love the push back and forcing me to challenge my thinking.

Let me summarize some of the reasons I have heard not to go, and why I’m still considering going:

1. BD in front of 3rd party, “ganging up”

Best case: I go, I get the BD. I say, “I don’t want this, I understand you want it, I won’t stand in your way.” I leave and fire the MC. No ganging up.

Worst case: I can see the scenario where this goes south. W may start MC acting as if she might want to work on the MR, we dive into hurt and issues, then things take a turn to BD. That would be worse. In this case, I plan to keep a level head and have her affirm her intentions in the M. I will not defend, explain, beg, plead, etc. No talk about the letters, the car, whatever, until she affirms her intentions. If she doesn’t, I will walk.

Also regarding ganging up... this MC works as a neutral party in mediation. As much as it irritates me to go to essentially a D guru, I would have to bet he is going to be as neutral as possible, probably more so than an actual MC who would work on M repair. He could not stay in business if both sides did not feel treated equally. My concern is not neutrality, it is just the false pretense of going in the first place. It’s not his fault, it’s my W’s.

2. I am fishing for R options

I assure you this is not the case. I do not foresee a future with this woman as my wife.

3. She has already told me unofficially

Disagree. Until she tells me we are still putting on the act of being M’d. Put another way, she could still claim “But I never said I wanted a D!!”

4. No effect on my kids either way
“Daddy turned down counseling” for one. Secondly, our family summer plans are completely up in the air b/c my W won’t come out and say it. I know this one shouldn’t depend on BD but if I get the BD I’m going to plan a week off with my kids, just like my W has been doing several times in the past few months on her own.

Listen I know BD will be tough. Let me tell you.. in April, before I found this forum, and I came back from business travel and my family was gone for a week... I was bawling my eyes out. I was a wreck. I wanted to write 1000 more letters. I thought divorce was a death sentence. I thought I had no hope. I lost 10 pounds - it doesn’t sound like much but I am skinny - I am at my high school weight and I am 40. It is unhealthy. I couldn’t function at work. I had no friends to rely on. Not being told ILY for months. No affection, no concern about my interest or well-being.

Of course I’m not prepared for BD but I’m more fortunate than most here in that I’ve had months to steel myself. How can you ever be fully ready?

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 199
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 199
U, I am so sorry you are going through this agony. I pray that God gives us both peace, strength and love.


M: 22, T: 27
Three Children
BD: 12/15/18
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
U, it sounds like you are prepared to get BD'd and you understand what you are probably walking into, so go ahead. If you get BD'd then at least it's all out in the open and you know what you're up against. I would suggest not agreeing to anything on the spot. If your W starts throwing out S or D terms then just say "I have a lot to process and am not prepared to discuss any decisions right now". Good luck, stay strong!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
unchien Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
Thanks Destroyd

AS - absolutely. Once I get the BD I say my little piece and I leave. I think I deserve some time and space after the months of limbo!

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
unchien Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
I sense myself slipping into some passive aggressive behavior lately and could use some advice how to snap out of it.

I am bitter and yes resentful and a bit angry. I’m okay having those feelings but need to disconnect them from my behavior and words.

Example: I have an appt this morning. W 2 months ago lied about an appt time and I think she saw a L. So today she asked what time is my appointment and I said, “I don’t know might be (the real time) or (the real time plus 45 minutes).” I said it out of frustration about her lies. It was both harmless and stupid.

She didn’t notice but I recognize it was just a passive aggressive attitude which I want to check. I don’t want this permeating any relationship I have no matter how strained. It seeps through and can really poison things.

The only thing that helps me is to look at my W with empathy. But I want to maintain my detachment so it is a tricky balance.

Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
Good on you for picking up and trying to check the passive aggressiveness. That is never helpful. Remember that you can't control her or necessarily the situation, but you can control your own responses. It's normal to be angry about the situation, you just need to find the right place-time to let that anger out, which is not anywhere near her. Don't deny the emotions, but don't let them control you either. They will pass.

That said, I think the fact that you can't speak openly about the fact that you know BD is coming and that she wants a D naturally pushes these things down and they are going to keep coming up until you can openly talk with her about the reality of the situation. I give you much credit for your patience. I pushed and had that talk with my EW right away and moved out the next day because I couldn't handle living in that limbo. You are much more in control of your emotions.

You are doing great!


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 352
Likes: 11
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 352
Likes: 11
Originally Posted by unchien
OK unanimous feedback here. I love the push back and forcing me to challenge my thinking.


Not unanimous because I was a lone dissenting voice here lol. I agree with the reasons everyone has mentioned here for canceling MC. But I having been reading your posts from the beginning and I just feel like you will be better off out of limbo even if the BD is painful. I see you hurting thinking of a 100 possibilities and I am hoping the MC sessions narrows it down to a few paths forward.. This will really help you with your DB.

I could be wrong but if I were in your position I would make the decision you are making. I recognize it could be the wrong decision since the vets have more experience but limbo is hard and in my sitch I felt getting out of limbo helped me keep moving forward for myself even if my MR went backward.

Originally Posted by unchien


Of course I’m not prepared for BD but I’m more fortunate than most here in that I’ve had months to steel myself. How can you ever be fully ready?


You have an advantage most of us did not. You had time to mentally prepare yourself. Will be praying it goes well for you

Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard