Don't assume, ask her. Tell her you've spoken to someone that has gone and that while the idea of the program is helping people rebuild broken relationships, the purpose of it is to build stronger communication. Because that is EXACTLY what it is. No matter what happens to your relationship, you will end up better communicators. And if she is not both feet out the door it may very well save your marriage. If she is both feet out the door then you will know after going, because in it you will share a LOT of thoughts and feelings. You'll know exactly where she stands.
About those letters, I'm sure you know it now but those were terribly damaging. Both in content and in the method of delivery (letter instead of face-to-face discussion). If you feel the need to write more letters then by all means do so, but DO NOT give them to her. Write them and burn them.
Yes it will matter. Because you can be a changed person regardless. Change yourself into someone she can be secure and safe with.
SoTorn -
I agree. So how do I demonstrate I am safe and secure?
I want to talk (which she said she wanted to do 11 days ago) primarily to demonstrate that I am safe and secure. That I can handle my emotions, that I am neither distant nor histrionic.
DB’ing can come across as aloof and distant, or like someone not caring. It is kind of dangerous. I like the self-improvement aspect but I feel sometimes like it is only adding to the iciness in my sitch.
Tonight W was on the phone for awhile with one of her D’ed friends. I’m sure the subject was discussed. I won’t jump to any conclusions. W did the hermit act after the talk - went to the MBR, never engaged with me rest of the night. Four weeks ago I would be falling apart. Tonight I am... well... I am nervous, but I’m smart enough not to read anything into it. I can write out all the scenarios and any of them are plausible.
I don’t even really want to have a serious R talk, my idea was a small talk just to get my W to open up some deeper feelings. I think our communication is so screwed up we absolutely need counseling. I think it would help a lot. But she has to want to go. I was hoping some talk at home would at least initiate an interest, or at least show her that I care.
IMO this shows a lot of worrying about what she is thinking or doing and not focusing on yourself. I understand you're concerned about the outcome, but if you keep worrying about this kind of stuff it is going to seep out into your actions and she is going to sense that.
I wouldn't have any relationship talks unless she initiates them. If it was 11 days ago and she hasnt brought it up again, then she most likely doesnt want to talk.
This isn't easy. In my view detachment is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. BC I love my W. Still. But it has to happen.
Focus on you and your kids. Let her work her stuff out, man.
Don't assume, ask her. Tell her you've spoken to someone that has gone and that while the idea of the program is helping people rebuild broken relationships, the purpose of it is to build stronger communication. Because that is EXACTLY what it is. No matter what happens to your relationship, you will end up better communicators. And if she is not both feet out the door it may very well save your marriage. If she is both feet out the door then you will know after going, because in it you will share a LOT of thoughts and feelings. You'll know exactly where she stands.
About those letters, I'm sure you know it now but those were terribly damaging. Both in content and in the method of delivery (letter instead of face-to-face discussion). If you feel the need to write more letters then by all means do so, but DO NOT give them to her. Write them and burn them.
Isn’t asking to go to retrouvaille a massive form of pursuit?
The letters were bad. I won’t be writing anymore don’t worry about that.
Isn’t asking to go to retrouvaille a massive form of pursuit?
The letters were bad. I won’t be writing anymore don’t worry about that.
First let me explain to others reading that normally we do not suggest Retro unless you're beginning piecing. I am only suggesting it to you because A) you and your W have communication issues that it would be a huge help with and B) you have not been BD'd which means she is not quite both feet out the door.
As far as it being pursuit, I already explained to you that you present it to her as a way of improving your communications. How would that be pursuit? Right now you don't know where you stand. Is she going to BD you? Isn't she? Does she still love you? Does she love you but is not in love with you? You can either continue on waiting for the other shoe to drop, or you can present Retro to her and get your answer sooner rather than later.
Had a talk with W last night. I know this goes against the forum advice here but things were not moving in a good direction anyways.
I asked to talk about how my W said I had been distant for several weeks. She diverted into talking about going to MC soon. I offered to contact some, she said okay. This morning I find she's contacting one who specializes in collaborative D. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. She said he specializes in "conflict resolution and family communication."
Other than her blow-up 2 weeks ago about "my distance," which threw me for a loop because I couldn't figure out why she was so bothered, I've just seen no signs that W is invested in our M. All of our positive interactions seem aligned with having a healthy co-parenting post-D R. All of her secrecy about future plans, texting her friends, doing her own GAL activities (no EA/PA, just doing tons of stuff with female friends)... No interest in me. No asking me how I'm doing. No ILY. For some reason she still wants to do the morning hug thing.
Honestly I don't know what to do at this point. Just keep living like I'm deaf, dumb, and blind to the fact she wants out? It's so obvious that it's driving me nuts.... she is not having second thoughts and taking her time, she's lining up her ducks in a row. I guess I can look at the bright side that she wants to collaborate and not make this totally divisive...
The reason we advise against relationship talks is because they NEVER go the way the LBS envisions it. Unfortunately everything is so predictable us vet tend to know the outcome before it happens. I think it is time for you to start getting your ducks in a row. Have you spoken to a lawyer? Do you want to try to keep the family home?
Start to really think about how you want to build the next chapter of your life.
I have had a couple free L consults. My understanding is there's no point retaining one until I need one.
I know that there will be negotiations about assets and custody. I have a rough idea what to expect. I know it will take over a year to close. I know I shouldn't leave the house. I know I'll need to be more involved with my kids' lives (hard with our current FT/SAH split). I know spousal support will be a complicated calculation. But I'm not worried about the finances, that stuff can correct itself over time. Finances will be extremely tight. I know I can fight for 50/50 custody. I know once BD hits I'll consider taking some parenting classes.
There's no way either of us can keep the home assuming a 50/50 asset split.
Other than that I'll have to GAL way more. I was hoping GAL would mean flex'ing work hours and spending more time with my W and kids, but instead it will morph into something different and that's okay too
