I will not pretend to have advice for you....no DB guru on my keyboard.....
However, from one who is also trudging through the muck celebrate the great time with your kids. Pour into them every synapse of love your heart can muster.
Perhaps you're like me going from one minute thinking, "Yeah, I'll manage this" to the next feeling like vomiting. Emo roller coasters are not nice.
You seem like a pretty "strong" person to me... sorting the chaos from clarity. Keep that up!
I'm sure you are better at this than me, but remember to do things - GAL. I was able to do that a bit today and it was wonderful concentrating on something other than the toxins in my head.
You have business travel ahead. So do some fun planning to do things for your kids so your return is sweet jubilee! Concentrating on the joy of them is a resource of happiness that should not be overlooked.
Just my thoughts and hopeful encouragement.
Awakened...
M-19, T-22 M-53, W 44 D15, S13 Separate BRs 02/2018 (during and after I had pneumonia) W (left separation - no A) - ? ~ 05/03-09/2019 BD 05/16/19
I don’t want to give too much detail or the word-for-word play-by-play (Google is my enemy).
Leaving for business trip, gave my kids a hug, wasn’t sure with W. Within 5 minutes of leaving the house, got an array of texts. How I have been super distant, how she can tell I just don’t want to be around her (she notices the GAL). Said she doesn’t understand but hopes we can talk soon. I caved a little (huge mistake, I know, please 2x4 me at will) and said that I also notice the distance, hope we can talk soon, and don’t think we are communicating well. Keep in mind I am pre-BD, not sure that changes anything as far as how to interact. I certainly feel 1000% more confident in myself than I did 4 weeks ago, as far as how to handle things on an emotional level.
It’s so weird... she seems so fueled by anger at everything I do, I know she is secretly at least investigating D as a realistic possibility, and yet... she’s angry at my distance too?! I know, it’s not supposed to make any sense.
All right guys I'm pushing the divorce through on my sich. Feels great I feel like a weight has been lifted., looking forward to the new life ahead of me. Uni... They don't care when they do it to us. But over time they slowly start to realize the losses. One taking time and focusing on yourself and giving them so much space, realizing that you are still attractive and you are lovable and that there are people out there that would gladly spend their time with you, you regain your self-worth and you stand on your principles and you become the prize when you become the prize and are willing to lose it all, to gain it all over them. You take back your masculine frame. I really don't know if I'm being overconfident especially being at the starting line of all this and not at the finish line, I know it's going to be hard as hell, getting through the logistics in the agreements of things, set for once I actually see a future that's going to be great. Which is something that I've never done before. Uni, I don't know if this is advisable so ask the Vets on here, but I would just maximize their losses, not be punitive about it, and live on your own terms in your own way. Don't settle for anything less than full reconciliation, no breadcrumbs. Many people here do not want to be all or nothing to their spouses but ironically being All or Nothing, according to what I read here draws them back in. If you ever do draw them back and I would seriously take a considerable amount of time to think about it. I'm going on a business trip as well for a week and I'm driving right now looking forward to it so much. It's going to be awesome guy time between the wineries in the breweries in the area. I intend on having a blast. When I get back I'm getting more paperwork from wife start the divorce process. Even though she is in total agreement with all this, I can almost tell that because it's now my decision to move forward she's starting to have the fear a little bit because the decision isn't hers it's mine. For the first time I actually got some humility out of her of her acknowledging her own mistakes, rather than focusing on mine. Let them lose you. You will be great and you will do great and you will attract other people that think you are great into your life again. The way that this works is when you are powerful and you are more powerful than them, you are either going to attract them back or you are going to attract someone else even better into your life. I really don't even have that much lined up at this time, I'm flying by the seat of my pants and loving every second of it.
I can only imagine the pain of the prolonged limbo you are in. I think if/when your bd happens you will get some closure but until then I know it s*cks wondering. The emotional roller coaster is brutal, one minute thinking “I can get through this no problem” to breaking down crying the next. Just know that as time goes on and you detach more, the highs and lows of the roller coaster decrease. It will get better!
I can only imagine the pain of the prolonged limbo you are in. I think if/when your bd happens you will get some closure but until then I know it s*cks wondering. The emotional roller coaster is brutal, one minute thinking “I can get through this no problem” to breaking down crying the next. Just know that as time goes on and you detach more, the highs and lows of the roller coaster decrease. It will get better!
You hit the nail on the head.
Here I am pre-BD preparing myself emotionally, DB’g, and getting this curveball from my W as if my distance is the problem. As if she maybe wants to connect (although placing blame squarely on me). It gives me some hope but I’m also so guarded right now. She takes no responsibility for things - like last time I asked to R talk 4 weeks back she said maybe in front of my IC (!) She hasn’t said ILY in months. She won’t go to bed at the same time. But if I GAL a little bit I am distant...
And now I’m away for a week which adds to the strain.
Honestly It’s going to take my W actually opening up to me and accepting she plays a role and that I’m not wearing a black hat here. Or she can give into her anger and the advice of her childless cat-owning divorcee friend. I feel like all I can do is express that I want things to work between us, that we need to be able to communicate for that to happen. If she resents me too much then I am powerless.
Unfortunately IMO this is just manipulation on her part to blame you for what’s happening. She will use everything she can to build her case on why you need to divorce.
You don’t have to express that your willing to work on it. Trust me she knows.
Unfortunately IMO this is just manipulation on her part to blame you for what’s happening. She will use everything she can to build her case on why you need to divorce.
You don’t have to express that your willing to work on it. Trust me she knows.
LH - I agree it is part of the blame game. But I'm not sure she knows I want to work on it. I think her narrative is that I am manipulative and lying, so expressing my interest in fixing things seems disingenuous to her.
If I am distant? It is punishment, withholding affection. I'm splitting her kids. I'm mean. If I try to get close? No reaction, she withdraws, no talking, we can only talk in front of my IC.
At this point I think I can distill the challenge of my sitch very simply:
W is considering leaving, blames me for her unhappiness, and needs enough fuel (anger) in order to exit the atmosphere (BD). Anything I do or don't do provides fuel. I am powerless to change her mindset. Until she gets out of the 100% blame mindset, there can be no improvement.
Right now I feel comfortable shining the light back down the path periodically, to let her know I want her to follow if she will join me. But I'm still walking forward. And I can live with the result (or I'm getting closer to accepting this at least). Three weeks ago, I couldn't walk the path myself.
I would just say something like “ it is clear by your actions that you want space so I am giving it you”.
Refresh my memory. Are you having sex?
No sex since October.
When we went to MC last fall, it was problematic that I was pressuring her for sex. We were active about once a month, I was hoping for once a week, W thought I wanted every day. My pressuring was mostly trying to get her to be honest with me about what she wanted, because I was confused by the dissonance between her words and actions.
So we agreed W would be the one to initiate sex. October was the last time.
I would just say something like “ it is clear by your actions that you want space so I am giving it you”.
Refresh my memory. Are you having sex?
No sex since October.
When we went to MC last fall, it was problematic that I was pressuring her for sex. We were active about once a month, I was hoping for once a week, W thought I wanted every day. My pressuring was mostly trying to get her to be honest with me about what she wanted, because I was confused by the dissonance between her words and actions.
So we agreed W would be the one to initiate sex. October was the last time.
I should also say...
No ILY (from her) since Feb No kissing since I can remember Just a daily hug most mornings
Affection got super-weird between us. Really frustrated that MC1 could not help us work through it a little bit, but maybe it's a sign of how broken our communication in general is.
