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Originally Posted by unchien

I have received a GIFT — being able to see the potential BD in my future. I have had the time to find DB and work on myself. I would have been an absolute train wreck if I was caught by surprise. Instead I at least know that I can fight my way through a BD if/when it happens. I’m not going to die. Everyone here on this forum has shown me that. I’ve got a ton of work to do.



If I were you I would try to DB and detach emotionally to the extent that the BD is nothing more than a confirmation of what you knew would happen in time. Do the work now and there will be no need to fight when the BD happens because there is no B in the BD since you already know.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Why do the complaints about distance need you to adjust course? You can’t 180 her every complaint. You’re not her puppet. You 180 things you need to change like being needy and clingy.

You don’t need to show her you care! She knows! If you have this talk that your searching out, I don’t care if you rehearse 100 times when it goes sideways, and it will you are going to have a meltdown. When she says I love you but I’m not in love with you and I know I’ll never find someone who loves me the way you love me you’re gonna go into panic mode. Mike Tyson has a saying “everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face”.

LH19 -

You can tell I am struggling to find that balance. At one extreme, needy and clingy. At the other, being distant. And I'm in denial - I'm still holding onto that rope.

I don't think she knows I care. I think she's lost in a fog of anger and resentment, projecting who knows what onto me. She's unhappy, she's soul-searching, I don't know. It [censored].

She has barely said anything of substance to me in almost 2 months. Her complaint about my distance was a change. Maybe it was just a ripple of anger, and I should expect more of the same. But it was something.

She also complained I was distant last fall when I stopped my clingy behavior. Maybe I can find a better balance. Maybe I can show her I am not that person that vacillates between clingy and distant. I don't know, I should probably throw logic out the window.

I know I need to distance myself to protect myself emotionally. I take all the advice here to heart, I know I'm being told this advice for good reason, and I should not throw caution to the wind.

My needs are not being met. Part of this DB process so far has been realizing that I have not been happy for awhile, but I've been going through the motions as well. My hope is just to get some traction so we can get into MC and at least give this a few months to try to work out. I think this is our only path to recon. If we go through S or D, given my W's personality as well as mine, I highly doubt recon would be on the table.

Originally Posted by LH19
When your w questions you about distancing your answer should be “ I need time and space to figure out what I want and need in this relationship”. Yes believe it or not your needs matter too.

Right - so why not take this opportunity to speak to her directly, if she is open to it?

Knowing full well that I might be facing Iron Mike, and immediately regret my poor decision...

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Originally Posted by IronWill
Originally Posted by unchien


Not looking to talk my way out of it. Trying to get my W to let go of some anger first by opening up. I plan to listen and validate, maybe share a little bit depending how it goes. Then maybe we go to MC where a 3rd party might help us.


Hey U - you might want to re-read what you wrote here ^^^^

Just a heads up - she may not even remember what you two talked about. My W said we were going to talk about selling the house the day after BD. That was 2 months ago - it got lost in the fog. Maybe not forever, maybe it will come back but in the meantime it bought me 2 months to work on myself more. If my goal is to outlast MLC then time is what I need.

I'm not you but everytime i brought something up that she perceived as pressure it made things worse.

My 180s are many, including stopping pressure, giving space so she can figure out her own self, and letting her be. That's what I'm doing bc nothing else worked

IW - you are so right. I may be reading too much into this, and she may forget it. She is definitely ghosting me the last few days, but I'm wise enough not to try to figure out what she is thinking.

I still think I could say something like, "You mentioned wanting to talk after I left on my trip. I would also like to talk. If not now, I'm here for you if and when you do want to talk."...

Ahhh... I cringe as I write that... but... she brought it up, why not remind her if only just once?

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Originally Posted by MLCxH
Originally Posted by unchien

One of my 180s has been to stop pursuing talks. But I’m also accused of distance.



If she is accusing you of distance, perhaps she is noticing your 180 and reacting to it. One of the things with the 180 that I read about somewhere is that the S will try to sabotage it if it starts having an effect. The example I read was that if you were getting in better shape and looking more attractive, they may cook you unhealthy meals. Maybe this just means your 180 is working? Something to think about

Ok I did a 180 on my clinginess by stopping the letters. I stopped the ILYs. And over texting. Going back to talk if she shows a willingness seems different from a return to my previous behavior.

My 180 involved some distance. Her reaction is extreme. There could be many reasons but I shouldn’t try to place myself in her head... sabotage, she’s undecided and upset that I’m forcing her hand, she’s worried about losing her Plan B... who knows?

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Expecting BD soon #3

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