This is my first post here. In January, I heard the ILYBIANILWY from my wife. I have been distraught and feeling hopeless ever since. I cry almost every day, and I am having trouble thinking about anything other than saving my marriage. I have just bought The Divorce Remedy and I am 58 pages into it. I will read the whole thing over the next day or two.
My wife and I have been married for over 21 years, and we have three children (16), (14) and (6). I have given everything I have to this family and now a facing complete and utter ruin to everything that is important to me. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be facing a divorce. I despise divorce. I adore my wife and my three children.
I think that my wife is both a walkaway wife and experiencing a MLC. Over the last three years she has become obsessive about her relationship with our daughter (16). My wife has had a very bad relationship with her own mother (a narcissist) who always invalidated my wife's feelings. Now my wife is talking as if I am her mother.
Since we started marriage counseling in February, I keep thinking I am fixing our relationship, but then I am shocked to learn at our counseling sessions that she is in no better place. I am a good provider, good father and I always thought a pretty good husband. I know that my wife and I both hate conflict, so that has problem swept a lot of problems under the rugs.
So, I am hoping that you guys can help me to save my marriage. I am terrible with getting my own life. I work long hours and always felt guilty not spending time with the kids and my wife after work. Now I am feeling depressed and don't want to leave the house. I also like the love I get from my kids when I am at home so that is making my GAL even harder. So, I need help in being able to do this.
I also need help in detaching. This completely goes against my personality. I have never had someone stop loving me before. I get along with just about everyone, and I can't stand that my wife doesn't love me any more. I am crushed. And I just want to win her back so bad. I know this is everything not to do in DB.
So this is the beginning of my long journey on this board. Please pray for my wife to open her heart to me and to give me the wisdom, strength and patience that is necessary to save my marriage. I would love for your support and guidance as well.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Its a process. I was exactly where you were from June till September of 2018. Same scenario. ILYBINILWY, but mine was having an affair with a kid 10 years younger. This is about them, not you. Reflect on any of your short comings you may have had in the marriage. Fix those and do it for yourself, not her or winning her back. I tried that 5 years ago, and still ended up with her having an exit affair. Tried reconciling beginning of FEB 19, but it has to be a 2 person task. Take care of yourself as when it happened to me my job sufferred (almost fired due to performance), my health (lost 30 lbs since i could eat i was so sick to my stomach and couldnt sleep). It will get better regardless of what path your situation takes.
Start by following the 37 rules listed in this forum, they really will work. And if you do start loosing wieght, use that as motivation to begin an exercise program. When you feel better about yourself, others take notice and your confidence will pick back up.
I am confused if my situation is different from many others' here. My wife is very nice to me. We both avoid conflict (always have), and we still act like very good friends. So here is the situation.
- We still sleep in the MBR, but almost zero physical contact. No sex especially since marriage counselor took that off the table.
- Her MLC changes seem to be obsessive exercising, listening to the latest music, focused constantly on getting older, living vicariously through the life and dating relationship of my oldest daughter (16).
- She and I have been going out on dates. I have been probably doing overkill with dates to Musicals, but she is also planning dates like that. We have been going out for lunch or coffee about once a week during the work week. On weekends, about 75% of weekends we either have alone dates or events with groups of friends.
- When I leave the house or she leaves the house, she still says I love you.
- She talks to me all the time when we are in the house together which is every night after work.
My wife's behavior seems different than a lot of behavior on here. My worst fear is that she has moved on, but is trying to create a friendship so that we are good co-parenters after a divorce. Otherwise I fear that she is just a nice person and is trying to let me go softly.
If my wife is always nice, should I still be detaching? One of her biggest complaints in what went wrong with our marriage is that I didn't talk to her as soon as I came home from work. So now I have been cooking dinner with her, doing the dishes with her, etc. We get along great with very nice conversation. Should I keep doing this?
Sorry you are here. You will meet some wonderfully helpful people, and find the support you need to help you through this. You will receive very wise advice. Heed it. Take it from me, they are usually spot on, and you will one day find yourself moving forward.
Originally Posted by Sh74
Since we started marriage counseling in February, I keep thinking I am fixing our relationship, but then I am shocked to learn at our counseling sessions that she is in no better place. I am a good provider, good father and I always thought a pretty good husband. I know that my wife and I both hate conflict, so that has problem swept a lot of problems under the rugs.
What is your goal in marriage counseling? You say you are “shocked to learn that….. she is in no better place”. Does she want to be there? If she is still stuck, and doesn’t want to work on the marriage, no amount of visits to the counselor will probably help. H and I did MC for about 8 months. He couldn’t get out of ping-pong mode (should I work on the marriage, D, just move out). So, I finally told him I thought it was best he moved out to figure it out. That was 8 months ago. I have come a long way. I think he is still stuck. So, re-evaluate whether MC is right for you now.
Originally Posted by Sh74
So, I am hoping that you guys can help me to save my marriage. I am terrible with getting my own life. I work long hours and always felt guilty not spending time with the kids and my wife after work. Now I am feeling depressed and don't want to leave the house. I also like the love I get from my kids when I am at home so that is making my GAL even harder. So, I need help in being able to do this.
To be a good father, and frankly, husband, you NEED to GAL. It will make you a more content, happier person, provide the needed distractions, and ultimately make you a better father. That is your goal. Letting yourself go and sitting around the house depressed is not attractive to your wife, and will not help your kids through this. Some of your GAL activities could include your kids – hiking, perhaps? Start thinking outside the box.
So my friend. Start GAL, read the boards, heed the advice, and sometimes just come here and vent. It helps, and has been valuable gift for me.
I am sorry for the recent events that have taken your life on this unwanted path.
And I am glad you found this board. This is a safe place. The kind and compassionate people here have much hard earned wisdom and can really help.
Post often, ask questions, vent, seek guidance, update, whatever and how often you like - it really does help.
We all start off seeking a way to save our marriage. Eventually we learn we need to save ourselves - first and foremost. The marriage is a bonus, if it is saved.
Sh74, I know how harsh that sounds. I really do! I was once right where you are right now.
Most of what you will be advised will seem counterintuitive, will go against your very instincts. The fixer, the no conflict, and such - the manner in which you saw things and walked through life has served you well, until now. Please listen and heed the hard advice, it does work, and you won’t believe it for a while.
What you are experiencing is perfectly fine and normal. The rug has been pulled out from under you, without warning or wanting. Your W’s behaviour has changed and you are looking about wondering what the hell just happened.
My very first recollection of help and hope was that someone actually believed me.
Sh74, I believe and understand what you are going through. MLC is real. Very few people in the real world have even the vaguest notion of what MLC actually is. How horrible and destructive to so many lives. The guy buying a Ferrari and finding a young buxom girlfriend is Hollywood’s extremely poor portrayal of a deep physiological trauma that alters the very reality of the sufferer.
You have shared a very open and honest picture of where you are, and what you are feeling. Well done.
You are correct, you have a long road ahead of you. So, let’s get started.
Breathe.
Just breathe.
It will be ok. Honest.
I completely understand the scrambling around attempting to save and fix your marriage. Stop all that!
Just breathe.
Focus on you and your kids. Just you and your kids.
Don’t worry about W. Don’t worry about the marriage. I know easier said than done.
Remember - counterintuitive.
I will offer you what I can to calm your mind and your heart. To help you stand back up and move forward.
For today, breathe and focus.
I know your mind will be racing about, so let’s give it something to do, that is useful as well.
MLC is caused from deep long ago trauma from their childhood. Something happened from someone in a position of authority, that the child could not yet deal with, due to age, lack of coping skills, or such. They internalized this terrible event, blaming themselves, and hiding in within.
Later in life, around midlife, mortality, family, pressures of life, etc... start building. A trigger event happens which unlocks this past pain, and the unraveling of the person starts. The trigger is usually between 18-24 month prior to bomb drop. Do you remember anything from around that time? A death, a birth, a sickness?
Over this period from trigger to BD, the MLCer slowly changes, starts to resent their spouse. Incorrectly projecting onto their spouse as the source of their pain. It silently builds until it explodes as BD. She runs! Attempting to evade the pain and tortment. There is nothing anyone can do, this includes you, to help your W through her dark path. She has to walk her path, at her speed.
Bomb drop is when you found out. Your W has being dealing with, well actually not dealing with, things for a long time. She has kept it hidden from everyone, included herself.
We all require a certain amount of understanding to start to move forward. And besides you are thinking about this pretty much nonstop right now, so getting it out, will do two things at once.
Tell me about some more about your W’s behaviours. You mentioned she talks to you as if you are her mother. An MLCer will see you as their parent, or authority figure, and heavily rebel against you. Notice - heavily. Seriously, not a good time. Sorry man. Stay strong.
The basic concept for you is to give her space and time. To let her see you are not the source of her pain. Then, she might look inward and start to see the true problem.
Is she acting confused? Forgetful? Angry? How does she treat the kids?
Focus on you. These questions seem to be the opposite - right? Not really. You need to understand and see your W’s behaviour and decide / believe if she is MLC, WAW, or something else. It is for you. By the way, your response, what you do, how you get on with your life, is similar no matter what she “is”, so don’t fret too much.
Focus on you and your kids.
You have a gift of time, use it well. This is a slow moving process. A marathon not a sprint.
Breathe.
I look forward to speaking with you again.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I learn that my W is reading Love Warrior and the blog. This sent me into a terrible downward spiral. I am sitting in the bathroom crying with the shower on so no one can hear me.
When I read these forums about MLCs, my wife seems to be acting differently. She seems to be having a lot of the same issues (scared of getting old, exercise obsession, new wardrobe, listening to the newest music), but she is not neglecting the kids or being mean to me every day. Instead, she just has said a few things over the last 5 months (ILYBIANILWY, I don't like the institution of marriage, I might never be attracted to you again). Is this common?
This causes me to have a very difficult time detaching. Her and I are getting along really well day to day. We cook together, raise the kids together, do family time and watch TV together at night. This makes it very difficult for me to detach.I am exercising every night, but we still have a lot of contact when I get home at night.
