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GH31,

Thanks for taking time out to respond to my questions. I'm glad to see your W and you are still doing good. It's also, crazy how during that time frame some many things are fuzzy in their memory. I guess it explains how they are such a different person.

My wife and I have made some strides lately. We are still working hard to make our M work. I get deflated sometimes/somedays, but I work to keep and open mind and understand the bigger picture.

Joejoe01


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Still married,

Still together - for 21 years now,

The children are much bigger; they're 11, 10 and 3 years old now.

No idea how I survived or how our marriage survived in retrospect.


Me: 46
W: 46
T: 23
M: 20
DS12
DD11
DS5

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
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GH, thanks for the update. So you guys were in your early 30s when all this happened? And am I right to see that you guys R'd and started a family?

I love it, such a great success story. Would you agree that your marriage after R is so much stronger than it was before BD? I know I would say that about mine. But I have both experiences:

2005 BD: afterward did very little work, swept things under the rug, went back to the same dynamics after a little while. setting up:

2017 BD: dug in and did the work, made sure things were dealt with, refused to allow same dynamics to return, and feel that our MR is so much stronger today than it was pre 2017 BD.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Originally Posted by Steve85
GH, thanks for the update. So you guys were in your early 30s when all this happened? And am I right to see that you guys R'd and started a family?

Affirmative.

Originally Posted by Steve85
I love it, such a great success story.

I don't think of us as a success story, really. My 30s are my lost decade, it was about 8 years of absolute hell and I'll never get that time back.

We were completely broke and deeply in debt as a result of choices prior to and during this period.

But we worked around the clock and paid everything off.

Originally Posted by Steve85
Would you agree that your marriage after R is so much stronger than it was before BD?

Yes.

I've got Gottman's Seven Principles tatooed on my brain and live them every day. It's definitely stronger.

Originally Posted by Steve85
2017 BD: dug in and did the work, made sure things were dealt with, refused to allow same dynamics to return, and feel that our MR is so much stronger today than it was pre 2017 BD.

Yes. THIS.

There is no changing the trajectory of your marriage without doing the real work. On yourself.

In my case I went right back to the beginning, to my very first memories from when I was about 18 months old.


Me: 46
W: 46
T: 23
M: 20
DS12
DD11
DS5

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
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Originally Posted by GH31

Originally Posted by Steve85
I love it, such a great success story.

I don't think of us as a success story, really. My 30s are my lost decade, it was about 8 years of absolute hell and I'll never get that time back.

We were completely broke and deeply in debt as a result of choices prior to and during this period.

But we worked around the clock and paid everything off.



This is success! I think of a Bon Jovi song lyric: "I can promise you tomorrow....but I can't buy back yesterday." The lost decade is in the past. Rearview mirror. Keep your eyes forward! YOU ARE A SUCCESS STORY!

My lost years were even more than a decade. All of my 30s and most of my 40s! But I consider where we are today from where we were at the end of 2017 as a huge success.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Are threads made invisible these days if they're inactive for a certain period of time?

Nothing to update really.

Wife and I are still together. We are now 46, the children 12, 11 and 5.

Busy as you can imagine.

We have been together for 23 years, married for 20 years.

We both deserve medals.


Me: 46
W: 46
T: 23
M: 20
DS12
DD11
DS5

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
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GH31,

I wasn't around to follow your story when you first started posting, but love to see the update - glad you and your wife were able to reconcile and are making it through life together with your kids.

Always good to see a positive result on the boards.

Wishing you well!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by BL42
GH31,

I wasn't around to follow your story when you first started posting

Well, it was absolute, complete and utter Hell. It felt like a circular saw had been taken to my chest.

Originally Posted by BL42
glad you and your wife were able to reconcile and are making it through life together with your kids.
It hasn't always been easy, but nothing worthwhile usually is.

Originally Posted by BL42
Wishing you well!
Thank you, and wishing you the very same.

Not all marriages need to be saved. I am sure, in retrospect, that I would have ultimately prevailed, even if my wife and I had divorced. I am certain of that.

I've no idea really how we got through it.


Me: 46
W: 46
T: 23
M: 20
DS12
DD11
DS5

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,545
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Originally Posted by GH31
Not all marriages need to be saved. I am sure, in retrospect, that I would have ultimately prevailed, even if my wife and I had divorced. I am certain of that.

I've no idea really how we got through it.

Hey G....I remember you....

It's been a hot minute...

I'm elated that you and your Wife have worked toward a hopefully happy life together....

Hope all remains well down under !!!

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All is well with us thanks, Mach1.

The normal vicissitudes of life - ups and downs - but the ups and downs aren't as extreme as they once were.

The kids are healthy, doing well at school, and they're happy - so that's all that matters.

The wife and I spend time together, just the two of us, and we still have a sex life.

Things could be - indeed they have been - much worse.


Me: 46
W: 46
T: 23
M: 20
DS12
DD11
DS5

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
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